Avoiding duty sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. "Simply uninterested" doesn't suffice. Part of being in a LTR is willingness to share sex when partner is interested. If you really hate the idea, what's so hard about giving a good BJ (or suitable equivalent if you're male, but somehow I doubt it . . .). Often Duty Sex turns into something at least mildly enjoyable, at least for me.

-Married almost 50 years

Uh, no. "I don't want to have sex" is enough reason not to have sex.

x2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Even if I am not thinking about sex, the fact that my DH gets frisky and starts to kiss me, arouses me almost instantly. I am assuming that you are getting bad sex, and that is what you are calling 'duty sex'.

Because no one says 'no' to good sex. The pleasure is its own reward.

My advice would be to have a drink, and SHOW your DH what you want. Get frisky, change your routine, ask him to put porn on, kiss and fondle him.

Why would I tell any married couple to avoid sex? That is a recipe for disaster.

DH has to be willing to listen. What if you told him a hundred times "I don't want to be kissed like this. This doesn't feel good" or "I love oral, can you give me some?", and he still turns a deaf ear?

I used to believe DH when he said he will try. But he never had. And now I just don't have any sexual response to him touching me. It's like my body shuts down. The sad thing is that I've started to think of sex and orgasms as something I do to myself. I haven't cheated and don't know if I would. But damn it would be nice to climax with something other than my own finger.

Totally agree. Some seem to think that people are obligated to have sex with someone who is really bad at it, and unable to comprehend that one person can in fact be really bad at sex.
In my opinion anyone who believes this is in fact bad at sex themselves and thus are angry that their partner might reject them on the basis of being bad in bed.

The fact is, if you are bad at sex and your partner doesnt want to have sex with you, it's up to you to work hard and improve on that. If you wont or can't, accept that your partner may not be interested in sex with you and in fact has no obligation to have sex with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife like massages. I make certain that every time she asks for a massage, I give her one. It doesn't matter if my muscles or sore or my hands hurt. She's asking me to show affection and I do my best for her. I like sex and sometimes she blows me or (Yeah!) she uses her hands. I know that it is isn't always that interested but she generally makes an effort. That few minutes goes a long way toward keeping our marriage happy.

Hah. I wish my husband understood this concept. He thinks I am a cold fish and hate sex. I have never been able to get him to understand that I need stuff like this before just jumping into intercourse. And sometimes I just want the massage like he just wants the BJ. And by "never been able to make him understand" I mean actually directly telling him hasn't worked. Half hearted attempts for 2 minutes Accompanied by pissy moans and sighs because he doesn't want to do = not worth it = duty sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife like massages. I make certain that every time she asks for a massage, I give her one. It doesn't matter if my muscles or sore or my hands hurt. She's asking me to show affection and I do my best for her. I like sex and sometimes she blows me or (Yeah!) she uses her hands. I know that it is isn't always that interested but she generally makes an effort. That few minutes goes a long way toward keeping our marriage happy.

Hah. I wish my husband understood this concept. He thinks I am a cold fish and hate sex. I have never been able to get him to understand that I need stuff like this before just jumping into intercourse. And sometimes I just want the massage like he just wants the BJ. And by "never been able to make him understand" I mean actually directly telling him hasn't worked. Half hearted attempts for 2 minutes Accompanied by pissy moans and sighs because he doesn't want to do = not worth it = duty sex.

Sorry for you PP. It's amazing how dense and self centered some people can be. It's simple reciprocation... but some people would rather put in no effort and then moan about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. "Simply uninterested" doesn't suffice. Part of being in a LTR is willingness to share sex when partner is interested. If you really hate the idea, what's so hard about giving a good BJ (or suitable equivalent if you're male, but somehow I doubt it . . .). Often Duty Sex turns into something at least mildly enjoyable, at least for me.

-Married almost 50 years

Uh, no. "I don't want to have sex" is enough reason not to have sex.

100% agreed. Please do NOT do anything with me that YOU are simply uninterested in.

But... if you "don't want to have sex" often enough, then I don't want to be monogamous.
It is reason enough to cheat.

And cheating is reason enough to get divorced.

Exactly! Re-read the post at the top. Divorce is a likely price for being simply uninterested. Make no mistake if this is your choice, it has consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's clear that there is a big divide on how people view sex. There is a group that sees sex as something a couple does with one another because sex with each other is good. And there's a group that sees sex as a reward one spouse (usually the wife) controls and doles out to the other.

If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Simple as that. If not wanting to have sex is the norm for you most days of the week, then it's a problem, and you should take it upon yourself to look for ways to fix that problem. And if you don't take steps to fix a problem in the marriage that you are causing, don't be surprised when your marriage deteriorates and don't blame it on the other person.

Bullshit. There's no controlling and doling out. Each partner is in control of their own body. If they're not interested, whatever the reason, they are no under obligation to engage in sex. And the other person should be mature enough to respect that.

Also, I don't think it would be much fun to have sex with an uninterested partner. And it would feel too close to forcing myself on someone for me to be comfortable with the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. "Simply uninterested" doesn't suffice. Part of being in a LTR is willingness to share sex when partner is interested. If you really hate the idea, what's so hard about giving a good BJ (or suitable equivalent if you're male, but somehow I doubt it . . .). Often Duty Sex turns into something at least mildly enjoyable, at least for me.

-Married almost 50 years

Uh, no. "I don't want to have sex" is enough reason not to have sex.

100% agreed. Please do NOT do anything with me that YOU are simply uninterested in.

But... if you "don't want to have sex" often enough, then I don't want to be monogamous.
It is reason enough to cheat.

And cheating is reason enough to get divorced.

Exactly! Re-read the post at the top. Divorce is a likely price for being simply uninterested. Make no mistake if this is your choice, it has consequences.

Why would I want to stay married to a man who puts me in front of the choice "Let me force myself on you when you clearly don't want sex, or accept that I cheat"?

You sound like a real prince. Not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. "Simply uninterested" doesn't suffice. Part of being in a LTR is willingness to share sex when partner is interested. If you really hate the idea, what's so hard about giving a good BJ (or suitable equivalent if you're male, but somehow I doubt it . . .). Often Duty Sex turns into something at least mildly enjoyable, at least for me.

-Married almost 50 years

Uh, no. "I don't want to have sex" is enough reason not to have sex.

100% agreed. Please do NOT do anything with me that YOU are simply uninterested in.

But... if you "don't want to have sex" often enough, then I don't want to be monogamous.
It is reason enough to cheat.

And cheating is reason enough to get divorced.

Exactly! Re-read the post at the top. Divorce is a likely price for being simply uninterested. Make no mistake if this is your choice, it has consequences.

Why would I want to stay married to a man who puts me in front of the choice "Let me force myself on you when you clearly don't want sex, or accept that I cheat"?

You sound like a real prince. Not.

Why would he want to stay married to you if you don't feel sex is a natural part of a marriage? I won't even bother saying what you sound like. The point isn't for someone to force themselves on their spouses, but rather for the spouse to find a way to become interested. Sex is a healthy, natural part of a marriage. It's a reasonable expectation. If you're unwilling to meet the basic needs of your partner, why shouldn't they be able to find someone else who will? And before you start talking about how cheating is breaking your vows, as far as I'm concerned so is withholding sex. Not to mention some major bait and switch if you weren't always this frigid.

If you don't want to have sex with your spouse, you need to figure out what the issue is and resolve it.

I probably don't sound like I'm a real prince either. I'm the dw, dealing with a DH who went through a phase where he was uninterested in sex. Our marriage suffered for it and he realizes now how much better things are when our physical (sexual) needs are met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. "Simply uninterested" doesn't suffice. Part of being in a LTR is willingness to share sex when partner is interested. If you really hate the idea, what's so hard about giving a good BJ (or suitable equivalent if you're male, but somehow I doubt it . . .). Often Duty Sex turns into something at least mildly enjoyable, at least for me.

-Married almost 50 years

Uh, no. "I don't want to have sex" is enough reason not to have sex.

100% agreed. Please do NOT do anything with me that YOU are simply uninterested in.

But... if you "don't want to have sex" often enough, then I don't want to be monogamous.
It is reason enough to cheat.

And cheating is reason enough to get divorced.

Exactly! Re-read the post at the top. Divorce is a likely price for being simply uninterested. Make no mistake if this is your choice, it has consequences.

Why would I want to stay married to a man who puts me in front of the choice "Let me force myself on you when you clearly don't want sex, or accept that I cheat"?

You sound like a real prince. Not.

Why would he want to stay married to you if you don't feel sex is a natural part of a marriage? I won't even bother saying what you sound like. The point isn't for someone to force themselves on their spouses, but rather for the spouse to find a way to become interested. Sex is a healthy, natural part of a marriage. It's a reasonable expectation. If you're unwilling to meet the basic needs of your partner, why shouldn't they be able to find someone else who will? And before you start talking about how cheating is breaking your vows, as far as I'm concerned so is withholding sex. Not to mention some major bait and switch if you weren't always this frigid.

If you don't want to have sex with your spouse, you need to figure out what the issue is and resolve it.

I probably don't sound like I'm a real prince either. I'm the dw, dealing with a DH who went through a phase where he was uninterested in sex. Our marriage suffered for it and he realizes now how much better things are when our physical (sexual) needs are met.

Your gender is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear that there is a big divide on how people view sex. There is a group that sees sex as something a couple does with one another because sex with each other is good. And there's a group that sees sex as a reward one spouse (usually the wife) controls and doles out to the other.

If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Simple as that. If not wanting to have sex is the norm for you most days of the week, then it's a problem, and you should take it upon yourself to look for ways to fix that problem. And if you don't take steps to fix a problem in the marriage that you are causing, don't be surprised when your marriage deteriorates and don't blame it on the other person.

Bullshit. There's no controlling and doling out. Each partner is in control of their own body. If they're not interested, whatever the reason, they are no under obligation to engage in sex. And the other person should be mature enough to respect that.

Also, I don't think it would be much fun to have sex with an uninterested partner. And it would feel too close to forcing myself on someone for me to be comfortable with the idea.

You're delusional if you don't think there is a cultural expectation that more than a few people buy into that sex is something the woman gives for good behavior and the man earns for good behavior.

That said, you're right that sex isn't fun with an uninterested partner. It's just a particularly sad form of masturbation. But, if one spouse is uninterested more often than not, it's a problem for the marriage. The interested spouse is usually motivated to look for solutions. All too often, the uninterested spouse doesn't recognize it as their problem too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly! Re-read the post at the top. Divorce is a likely price for being simply uninterested. Make no mistake if this is your choice, it has consequences.

Why would I want to stay married to a man who puts me in front of the choice "Let me force myself on you when you clearly don't want sex, or accept that I cheat"?

You sound like a real prince. Not.

I promise not to force myself upon you. That's no fun for either of us. I can get laid much easier than that. I would just prefer it with you, since we are married, share a house, have kids together, take vacations, love each other, and all that stuff. But you don't get to decide which parts of marriage to selectively participate in. How about I stop wanting to hear about your day? Sex is a part of marriage. With you, or without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly! Re-read the post at the top. Divorce is a likely price for being simply uninterested. Make no mistake if this is your choice, it has consequences.

Why would I want to stay married to a man who puts me in front of the choice "Let me force myself on you when you clearly don't want sex, or accept that I cheat"?

You sound like a real prince. Not.

I promise not to force myself upon you. That's no fun for either of us. I can get laid much easier than that. I would just prefer it with you, since we are married, share a house, have kids together, take vacations, love each other, and all that stuff. But you don't get to decide which parts of marriage to selectively participate in. How about I stop wanting to hear about your day? Sex is a part of marriage. With you, or without you.

I'd like to hear your views on what you think your obligations are to make sex reasonably fun for your partner. Or do you feel that you are owed a receptacle for your regular releases?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why would he want to stay married to you if you don't feel sex is a natural part of a marriage? I won't even bother saying what you sound like. The point isn't for someone to force themselves on their spouses, but rather for the spouse to find a way to become interested. Sex is a healthy, natural part of a marriage. It's a reasonable expectation. If you're unwilling to meet the basic needs of your partner, why shouldn't they be able to find someone else who will? And before you start talking about how cheating is breaking your vows, as far as I'm concerned so is withholding sex. Not to mention some major bait and switch if you weren't always this frigid.

If you don't want to have sex with your spouse, you need to figure out what the issue is and resolve it.

I probably don't sound like I'm a real prince either. I'm the dw, dealing with a DH who went through a phase where he was uninterested in sex. Our marriage suffered for it and he realizes now how much better things are when our physical (sexual) needs are met.

I have to figure that out? I do?

Here's the issue. I need foreplay. Lots of it. I prefer to climax through oral sex, will settle for manual in a pinch. My DH won't engage in any of it, won't learn, won't follow my lead. Just stopped trying. How do you propose I resolve this, other than masturbating alone and feeling angry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends. "Simply uninterested" doesn't suffice. Part of being in a LTR is willingness to share sex when partner is interested. If you really hate the idea, what's so hard about giving a good BJ (or suitable equivalent if you're male, but somehow I doubt it . . .). Often Duty Sex turns into something at least mildly enjoyable, at least for me.

-Married almost 50 years

Uh, no. "I don't want to have sex" is enough reason not to have sex.

100% agreed. Please do NOT do anything with me that YOU are simply uninterested in.

But... if you "don't want to have sex" often enough, then I don't want to be monogamous.
It is reason enough to cheat.

And cheating is reason enough to get divorced.

Exactly! Re-read the post at the top. Divorce is a likely price for being simply uninterested. Make no mistake if this is your choice, it has consequences.

Me being uninterested is a consequence of years of bad, selfish sex in which my role was to be a receptacle or a provider of blow jobs with no reciprocation.

Yeah, I'm uninterested. Go ahead, cheat. It'd be a relief by now. Let someone else have bad sex so I don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to hear your views on what you think your obligations are to make sex reasonably fun for your partner. Or do you feel that you are owed a receptacle for your regular releases?

Multiple Os for you. Any toy, any position. I'm a total freak without any boundary, an endurance athlete.
Satisfied? Now stop with the "disinterested" act and lets get busy.