Avoiding duty sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^We're also dealing with a moral issue here, of having sex with someone who flat out does not want to sleep with you, which, yes, is rape.

If your only concern with that is a legal one than I dont know what to tell you. You might just be a horrible selfish individual.

I might be all that thing, but also right. You just can't declare something a rape where one partner participates willingly but without interest. It isn't fun, it isn't uplifting in any sense, but millions of women have done it while running shopping lists or thinking of England.

"Millions of women have done it" is not an excuse for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^We're also dealing with a moral issue here, of having sex with someone who flat out does not want to sleep with you, which, yes, is rape.

If your only concern with that is a legal one than I dont know what to tell you. You might just be a horrible selfish individual.

I might be all that thing, but also right. You just can't declare something a rape where one partner participates willingly but without interest. It isn't fun, it isn't uplifting in any sense, but millions of women have done it while running shopping lists or thinking of England.

"Millions of women have done it" is not an excuse for it.

It isn't. But it is also not a crime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^We're also dealing with a moral issue here, of having sex with someone who flat out does not want to sleep with you, which, yes, is rape.

If your only concern with that is a legal one than I dont know what to tell you. You might just be a horrible selfish individual.

I might be all that thing, but also right. You just can't declare something a rape where one partner participates willingly but without interest. It isn't fun, it isn't uplifting in any sense, but millions of women have done it while running shopping lists or thinking of England.

"Millions of women have done it" is not an excuse for it.

It isn't. But it is also not a crime.

Sometimes it is. And it is always wrong to have sex with someone who doesnt want to have sex with you.

[Anonymous]

We're just kind of glossing over the issue of uninterested versus unwilling. Two very different things. Having sex with the former is undesirable and should be avoided. Having sex with the latter is illegal and flat out shouldn't be done. Much like employing a disinterested worker versus employing an unwilling worker. The former is a bad employment relationship. The latter is involuntary servitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get my O's from blow jobs or intercourse. There is nothing to pace. Half-assed picking between my legs the way people pick at their noses doesn't do it.

So how do you get your Os? Whatever that is, instruct him he needs to do that first. Blowjobs and intercourse follow that, at your pace. Half assed picking will take him a loooong time to bring you to O, so keep him waiting a looong time for the stuff he wants until he gets more efficient at the stuff you want. Do you have toys? I bet he could learn how to operate a Magic Wand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're just kind of glossing over the issue of uninterested versus unwilling. Two very different things. Having sex with the former is undesirable and should be avoided. Having sex with the latter is illegal and flat out shouldn't be done. Much like employing a disinterested worker versus employing an unwilling worker. The former is a bad employment relationship. The latter is involuntary servitude.

It's really incomparable to en employee/employer relationship because that presumes one party is in a position of authority to the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get my O's from blow jobs or intercourse. There is nothing to pace. Half-assed picking between my legs the way people pick at their noses doesn't do it.

So how do you get your Os? Whatever that is, instruct him he needs to do that first. Blowjobs and intercourse follow that, at your pace. Half assed picking will take him a loooong time to bring you to O, so keep him waiting a looong time for the stuff he wants until he gets more efficient at the stuff you want. Do you have toys? I bet he could learn how to operate a Magic Wand.

x2 would like to know.

[Anonymous]

This makes me sad. I give my husband a back rub when he is having lower back pain even though I don't always feel like it. He rubs my feet when I have aches before snow from a stress fracture even when he is tired.

We do things for each other because we love each other. Being in a loving relationship does not require perfect reciprocity. You can be "not in the mood" but still want to do something for your partner because you love them and want them to be happy. It goes both ways.

Don't you love these men and/or women in your life? Why is it duty sex if you are with someone you love and who loves you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad. I give my husband a back rub when he is having lower back pain even though I don't always feel like it. He rubs my feet when I have aches before snow from a stress fracture even when he is tired.

We do things for each other because we love each other. Being in a loving relationship does not require perfect reciprocity. You can be "not in the mood" but still want to do something for your partner because you love them and want them to be happy. It goes both ways.

Don't you love these men and/or women in your life? Why is it duty sex if you are with someone you love and who loves you?

Because they are in miserable marriages and you are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad. I give my husband a back rub when he is having lower back pain even though I don't always feel like it. He rubs my feet when I have aches before snow from a stress fracture even when he is tired.

We do things for each other because we love each other. Being in a loving relationship does not require perfect reciprocity. You can be "not in the mood" but still want to do something for your partner because you love them and want them to be happy. It goes both ways.

Don't you love these men and/or women in your life? Why is it duty sex if you are with someone you love and who loves you?

Because they are in miserable marriages and you are not.

x2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad. I give my husband a back rub when he is having lower back pain even though I don't always feel like it. He rubs my feet when I have aches before snow from a stress fracture even when he is tired.

We do things for each other because we love each other. Being in a loving relationship does not require perfect reciprocity. You can be "not in the mood" but still want to do something for your partner because you love them and want them to be happy. It goes both ways.

Don't you love these men and/or women in your life? Why is it duty sex if you are with someone you love and who loves you?

Because they are in miserable marriages and you are not.

And because we're so weird about sex, a lot of the argument going on here boils down to some folks refusing to acknowledge that nearly complete lack of reciprocity causes a miserable marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad. I give my husband a back rub when he is having lower back pain even though I don't always feel like it. He rubs my feet when I have aches before snow from a stress fracture even when he is tired.

We do things for each other because we love each other. Being in a loving relationship does not require perfect reciprocity. You can be "not in the mood" but still want to do something for your partner because you love them and want them to be happy. It goes both ways.

Don't you love these men and/or women in your life? Why is it duty sex if you are with someone you love and who loves you?

Because they are in miserable marriages and you are not.

And because we're so weird about sex, a lot of the argument going on here boils down to some folks refusing to acknowledge that nearly complete lack of reciprocity causes a miserable marriage.

It's astounding. Just glad it's not my marriage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get my O's from blow jobs or intercourse. There is nothing to pace. Half-assed picking between my legs the way people pick at their noses doesn't do it.

So how do you get your Os? Whatever that is, instruct him he needs to do that first. Blowjobs and intercourse follow that, at your pace. Half assed picking will take him a loooong time to bring you to O, so keep him waiting a looong time for the stuff he wants until he gets more efficient at the stuff you want. Do you have toys? I bet he could learn how to operate a Magic Wand.

Oral or good manual.

He doesn't like the idea of toys.

He isn't amenable to instruction. He'll say he'll do it but it doesn't happen.

For a few years, I thought he'd get on with it and practiced sexual unselfishness.

Then it all kind of dwindled.

If I tell him, do this or no blow jobs, he'll shrug and say, "OK". He doesn't want sex that badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me sad. I give my husband a back rub when he is having lower back pain even though I don't always feel like it. He rubs my feet when I have aches before snow from a stress fracture even when he is tired.

We do things for each other because we love each other. Being in a loving relationship does not require perfect reciprocity. You can be "not in the mood" but still want to do something for your partner because you love them and want them to be happy. It goes both ways.

Don't you love these men and/or women in your life? Why is it duty sex if you are with someone you love and who loves you?

Because the arrangement you're talking about implies that even though your DH doesn't do it for you ALL the time, he does it for your at least some of the time. It's not about his pleasure 100% of the time. It doesn't require perfect reciprocity, true, but it requires SOME reciprocity. I used to be an enthusiastic giver of blow jobs until the lack of reciprocity killed the enthusiasm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear that there is a big divide on how people view sex. There is a group that sees sex as something a couple does with one another because sex with each other is good. And there's a group that sees sex as a reward one spouse (usually the wife) controls and doles out to the other.

If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Simple as that. If not wanting to have sex is the norm for you most days of the week, then it's a problem, and you should take it upon yourself to look for ways to fix that problem. And if you don't take steps to fix a problem in the marriage that you are causing, don't be surprised when your marriage deteriorates and don't blame it on the other person.

Bullshit. There's no controlling and doling out. Each partner is in control of their own body. If they're not interested, whatever the reason, they are no under obligation to engage in sex. And the other person should be mature enough to respect that.

Also, I don't think it would be much fun to have sex with an uninterested partner. And it would feel too close to forcing myself on someone for me to be comfortable with the idea.

You're delusional if you don't think there is a cultural expectation that more than a few people buy into that sex is something the woman gives for good behavior and the man earns for good behavior.

That said, you're right that sex isn't fun with an uninterested partner. It's just a particularly sad form of masturbation. But, if one spouse is uninterested more often than not, it's a problem for the marriage. The interested spouse is usually motivated to look for solutions. All too often, the uninterested spouse doesn't recognize it as their problem too.

Actually, considering it as a form of masturbation is ignoring the fact that there's another human being involved. If you're going to compare it to a sexual act, let's be real and acknowledge what in fact it most closely resembles: rape. If you are having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you, that is rapey. Period. Regardless of whether or not you are married. Which is why the court system does acknowledge the existence of marital rape. If one party is not wanting to have sex, and you have sex with them anyway, at least acknowledge and own up to what you're doing.

Amen!