Avoiding duty sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear that there is a big divide on how people view sex. There is a group that sees sex as something a couple does with one another because sex with each other is good. And there's a group that sees sex as a reward one spouse (usually the wife) controls and doles out to the other.

If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Simple as that. If not wanting to have sex is the norm for you most days of the week, then it's a problem, and you should take it upon yourself to look for ways to fix that problem. And if you don't take steps to fix a problem in the marriage that you are causing, don't be surprised when your marriage deteriorates and don't blame it on the other person.

Bullshit. There's no controlling and doling out. Each partner is in control of their own body. If they're not interested, whatever the reason, they are no under obligation to engage in sex. And the other person should be mature enough to respect that.

Also, I don't think it would be much fun to have sex with an uninterested partner. And it would feel too close to forcing myself on someone for me to be comfortable with the idea.

You're delusional if you don't think there is a cultural expectation that more than a few people buy into that sex is something the woman gives for good behavior and the man earns for good behavior.

That said, you're right that sex isn't fun with an uninterested partner. It's just a particularly sad form of masturbation. But, if one spouse is uninterested more often than not, it's a problem for the marriage. The interested spouse is usually motivated to look for solutions. All too often, the uninterested spouse doesn't recognize it as their problem too.

Actually, considering it as a form of masturbation is ignoring the fact that there's another human being involved. If you're going to compare it to a sexual act, let's be real and acknowledge what in fact it most closely resembles: rape. If you are having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you, that is rapey. Period. Regardless of whether or not you are married. Which is why the court system does acknowledge the existence of marital rape. If one party is not wanting to have sex, and you have sex with them anyway, at least acknowledge and own up to what you're doing.

Well, it's rape in the same way that going to a job you don't like is slavery. The key is uninterested versus unwilling.

I hope you're a troll. If you're for real, I pity your partner, regardless of your gender.

If you're a man, you're a disgusting chauvinistic rape apologist.
If you're a woman, you're the kind of hateful person that makes it so much harder for a woman to report rape, especially marital rape.

Shame on you in both cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I hope you're a troll. If you're for real, I pity your partner, regardless of your gender.

If you're a man, you're a disgusting chauvinistic rape apologist.
If you're a woman, you're the kind of hateful person that makes it so much harder for a woman to report rape, especially marital rape.

Shame on you in both cases.

The fact that you're disgusted by rape doesn't mean you get to call things rape when they aren't. I'm going to break it down for you.

"Honey, let's have sex." "Hurry up and pull my nightgown down when you're finished. If I'm asleep by then, do try not to wake me up." = Uninterested but willing. Not rape.

"Honey, let's have sex." "I don't want to. Stop touching me." = Unwilling. Rape, if he proceeds.

Clear now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oral or good manual.

He doesn't like the idea of toys.

He isn't amenable to instruction. He'll say he'll do it but it doesn't happen.

For a few years, I thought he'd get on with it and practiced sexual unselfishness.

Then it all kind of dwindled.

If I tell him, do this or no blow jobs, he'll shrug and say, "OK". He doesn't want sex that badly.

That really sucks- my wife is very similar. Of course when I've posted my frustration, women come out of the woodwork to chastise me for not trying hard enough and failing to meet her physical needs (which are almost non-existent).

I really hate the idea of "duty sex" but it falls into the spectrum (IMO) that if something is important to your spouse, there should be some kind of compromise. For one spouse to dictate the frequency of intimate contact- whether it is too frequent or too infrequent- is not fair to the other partner. Of course one partner has the right to refuse sex and the other partner should respect their decision. But if one partner is never in the mood, it destroys a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oral or good manual.

He doesn't like the idea of toys.

He isn't amenable to instruction. He'll say he'll do it but it doesn't happen.

For a few years, I thought he'd get on with it and practiced sexual unselfishness.

Then it all kind of dwindled.

If I tell him, do this or no blow jobs, he'll shrug and say, "OK". He doesn't want sex that badly.

That really sucks- my wife is very similar. Of course when I've posted my frustration, women come out of the woodwork to chastise me for not trying hard enough and failing to meet her physical needs (which are almost non-existent).

I really hate the idea of "duty sex" but it falls into the spectrum (IMO) that if something is important to your spouse, there should be some kind of compromise. For one spouse to dictate the frequency of intimate contact- whether it is too frequent or too infrequent- is not fair to the other partner. Of course one partner has the right to refuse sex and the other partner should respect their decision. But if one partner is never in the mood, it destroys a marriage.

This only holds if you really are trying to meet your wife's needs physically. Because here I am, never in the mood for the kind of sex my DH has to offer. I'd be SO in the mood for a different kind of sex. But alas, he isn't interested, not really, in giving it to me. So here I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

That really sucks- my wife is very similar. Of course when I've posted my frustration, women come out of the woodwork to chastise me for not trying hard enough and failing to meet her physical needs (which are almost non-existent).

I really hate the idea of "duty sex" but it falls into the spectrum (IMO) that if something is important to your spouse, there should be some kind of compromise. For one spouse to dictate the frequency of intimate contact- whether it is too frequent or too infrequent- is not fair to the other partner. Of course one partner has the right to refuse sex and the other partner should respect their decision. But if one partner is never in the mood, it destroys a marriage.

This only holds if you really are trying to meet your wife's needs physically. Because here I am, never in the mood for the kind of sex my DH has to offer. I'd be SO in the mood for a different kind of sex. But alas, he isn't interested, not really, in giving it to me. So here I am.

Not sure there is a metric for this, but is there an amount of trying that constitutes "really trying" or trying "hard enough" even if it doesn't get her off? I mean, if she needs to be lubricated with the tears of a unicorn harvested under a full moon on the 53rd Sunday of the year before she can get off, I'd think that's something she needs to work on. If all he'll ever do is whip it out and try to jam it in, then that's on him. Between those extremes, there's a spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I hope you're a troll. If you're for real, I pity your partner, regardless of your gender.

If you're a man, you're a disgusting chauvinistic rape apologist.
If you're a woman, you're the kind of hateful person that makes it so much harder for a woman to report rape, especially marital rape.

Shame on you in both cases.

The fact that you're disgusted by rape doesn't mean you get to call things rape when they aren't. I'm going to break it down for you.

"Honey, let's have sex." "Hurry up and pull my nightgown down when you're finished. If I'm asleep by then, do try not to wake me up." = Uninterested but willing. Not rape.

"Honey, let's have sex." "I don't want to. Stop touching me." = Unwilling. Rape, if he proceeds.

Clear now?

Yup. And recognizing the distinction doesn't make you a chauvinistic rape apologist -- particularly if you have no real desire to be in either situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This only holds if you really are trying to meet your wife's needs physically. Because here I am, never in the mood for the kind of sex my DH has to offer. I'd be SO in the mood for a different kind of sex. But alas, he isn't interested, not really, in giving it to me. So here I am.

I won't derail this thread with details (and this is the non-explicit) but yes, I've tried plenty of things inside and outside of the bedroom. Things she's said are important (i.e. cuddling, non sexual contact) with very little long-term improvement. A bit like you described- some short term change but nothing long term. So just as your husband should give oral to you (or whatever you desire) on occasion even if he's not in the mood, it'd be nice for my wife to give a bj on occasion even if she isn't in the mood. What's really frustrating is she can only manage less than 5 minutes of a half-hearted handy before her wrist hurts. <sigh>

Of course each of our spouses have the right to say no but wouldn't you agree that years of rejection leads to resentment and anger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear that there is a big divide on how people view sex. There is a group that sees sex as something a couple does with one another because sex with each other is good. And there's a group that sees sex as a reward one spouse (usually the wife) controls and doles out to the other.

If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Simple as that. If not wanting to have sex is the norm for you most days of the week, then it's a problem, and you should take it upon yourself to look for ways to fix that problem. And if you don't take steps to fix a problem in the marriage that you are causing, don't be surprised when your marriage deteriorates and don't blame it on the other person.

Bullshit. There's no controlling and doling out. Each partner is in control of their own body. If they're not interested, whatever the reason, they are no under obligation to engage in sex. And the other person should be mature enough to respect that.

Also, I don't think it would be much fun to have sex with an uninterested partner. And it would feel too close to forcing myself on someone for me to be comfortable with the idea.

You're delusional if you don't think there is a cultural expectation that more than a few people buy into that sex is something the woman gives for good behavior and the man earns for good behavior.

That said, you're right that sex isn't fun with an uninterested partner. It's just a particularly sad form of masturbation. But, if one spouse is uninterested more often than not, it's a problem for the marriage. The interested spouse is usually motivated to look for solutions. All too often, the uninterested spouse doesn't recognize it as their problem too.

Actually, considering it as a form of masturbation is ignoring the fact that there's another human being involved. If you're going to compare it to a sexual act, let's be real and acknowledge what in fact it most closely resembles: rape. If you are having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you, that is rapey. Period. Regardless of whether or not you are married. Which is why the court system does acknowledge the existence of marital rape. If one party is not wanting to have sex, and you have sex with them anyway, at least acknowledge and own up to what you're doing.

Well, it's rape in the same way that going to a job you don't like is slavery. The key is uninterested versus unwilling.

I hope you're a troll. If you're for real, I pity your partner, regardless of your gender.

If you're a man, you're a disgusting chauvinistic rape apologist.
If you're a woman, you're the kind of hateful person that makes it so much harder for a woman to report rape, especially marital rape.

Shame on you in both cases.

Totally agree. Sincerely hope this is a troll trying to get people riled up... But given the number of rape apologists out there I bet they believe every word they're saying, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This only holds if you really are trying to meet your wife's needs physically. Because here I am, never in the mood for the kind of sex my DH has to offer. I'd be SO in the mood for a different kind of sex. But alas, he isn't interested, not really, in giving it to me. So here I am.

I won't derail this thread with details (and this is the non-explicit) but yes, I've tried plenty of things inside and outside of the bedroom. Things she's said are important (i.e. cuddling, non sexual contact) with very little long-term improvement. A bit like you described- some short term change but nothing long term. So just as your husband should give oral to you (or whatever you desire) on occasion even if he's not in the mood, it'd be nice for my wife to give a bj on occasion even if she isn't in the mood. What's really frustrating is she can only manage less than 5 minutes of a half-hearted handy before her wrist hurts. <sigh>

Of course each of our spouses have the right to say no but wouldn't you agree that years of rejection leads to resentment and anger?

Yes. Absolutely. I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I hope you're a troll. If you're for real, I pity your partner, regardless of your gender.

If you're a man, you're a disgusting chauvinistic rape apologist.
If you're a woman, you're the kind of hateful person that makes it so much harder for a woman to report rape, especially marital rape.

Shame on you in both cases.

Totally agree. Sincerely hope this is a troll trying to get people riled up... But given the number of rape apologists out there I bet they believe every word they're saying, sadly.

Just to be clear, you believe that there is no difference between uninterested sex and unwilling sex? You believe they are both rape and anyone who observes a distinction between the two is either a rape apologist or a troll whose wife is to be pitied? Obviously I disagree with that notion, but I want to be sure I understand your position correctly.

[Anonymous]

^lol. Here's a spoiler alert for you: no you don't understand the pps point correctly and in fact have created a completely transparent strawman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^lol. Here's a spoiler alert for you: no you don't understand the pps point correctly and in fact have created a completely transparent strawman.

Then explain it.