Avoiding duty sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have to figure that out? I do?

Here's the issue. I need foreplay. Lots of it. I prefer to climax through oral sex, will settle for manual in a pinch. My DH won't engage in any of it, won't learn, won't follow my lead. Just stopped trying. How do you propose I resolve this, other than masturbating alone and feeling angry?

You stand up for yourself using the same "Sex is an important part of marriage" argument as I am now.
This is asserting your needs and is a healthy thing for relationship.
Pace the sex so you get your O at the start. Just keep interrupting the flow until he learns that play stops when he turns selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd like to hear your views on what you think your obligations are to make sex reasonably fun for your partner. Or do you feel that you are owed a receptacle for your regular releases?

Multiple Os for you. Any toy, any position. I'm a total freak without any boundary, an endurance athlete.
Satisfied? Now stop with the "disinterested" act and lets get busy.

You aren't my husband.

[Anonymous]

I think I only come to this part of the website in order to watch these trainwrecks. I cannot understand how you people manage to marry bad lovers (we you all virgins when you met your partner?). I cannot understand how many of you remain in these Sexless/roommate type arrangements. I think it is all good to be sexless if both of you are uninterested, but it doesn't appear that this is the case for most of you.

If your husbands are so bad in bed, why in God's name did you marry in the first place...or did you not try it before you bought it? If so, that's your fault.

Also for you men afraid to leave your sexless wives because of fear of paying too much to get out of thr marriage, maybe you should have thought about that before you married a 1950s housewife. Stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have to figure that out? I do?

Here's the issue. I need foreplay. Lots of it. I prefer to climax through oral sex, will settle for manual in a pinch. My DH won't engage in any of it, won't learn, won't follow my lead. Just stopped trying. How do you propose I resolve this, other than masturbating alone and feeling angry?

You stand up for yourself using the same "Sex is an important part of marriage" argument as I am now.
This is asserting your needs and is a healthy thing for relationship.
Pace the sex so you get your O at the start. Just keep interrupting the flow until he learns that play stops when he turns selfish.

I don't get my O's from blow jobs or intercourse. There is nothing to pace. Half-assed picking between my legs the way people pick at their noses doesn't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I only come to this part of the website in order to watch these trainwrecks. I cannot understand how you people manage to marry bad lovers (we you all virgins when you met your partner?). I cannot understand how many of you remain in these Sexless/roommate type arrangements. I think it is all good to be sexless if both of you are uninterested, but it doesn't appear that this is the case for most of you.

If your husbands are so bad in bed, why in God's name did you marry in the first place...or did you not try it before you bought it? If so, that's your fault.

Also for you men afraid to leave your sexless wives because of fear of paying too much to get out of thr marriage, maybe you should have thought about that before you married a 1950s housewife. Stupid.

They weren't bad initially but stopped trying once they felt they didn't have to anymore.

Men aren't the only ones who pay to get out of the marriage.

I'm afraid life is a bit more nuanced than the article you read in Cosmo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear that there is a big divide on how people view sex. There is a group that sees sex as something a couple does with one another because sex with each other is good. And there's a group that sees sex as a reward one spouse (usually the wife) controls and doles out to the other.

If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Simple as that. If not wanting to have sex is the norm for you most days of the week, then it's a problem, and you should take it upon yourself to look for ways to fix that problem. And if you don't take steps to fix a problem in the marriage that you are causing, don't be surprised when your marriage deteriorates and don't blame it on the other person.

Bullshit. There's no controlling and doling out. Each partner is in control of their own body. If they're not interested, whatever the reason, they are no under obligation to engage in sex. And the other person should be mature enough to respect that.

Also, I don't think it would be much fun to have sex with an uninterested partner. And it would feel too close to forcing myself on someone for me to be comfortable with the idea.

You're delusional if you don't think there is a cultural expectation that more than a few people buy into that sex is something the woman gives for good behavior and the man earns for good behavior.

That said, you're right that sex isn't fun with an uninterested partner. It's just a particularly sad form of masturbation. But, if one spouse is uninterested more often than not, it's a problem for the marriage. The interested spouse is usually motivated to look for solutions. All too often, the uninterested spouse doesn't recognize it as their problem too.

Actually, considering it as a form of masturbation is ignoring the fact that there's another human being involved. If you're going to compare it to a sexual act, let's be real and acknowledge what in fact it most closely resembles: rape. If you are having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you, that is rapey. Period. Regardless of whether or not you are married. Which is why the court system does acknowledge the existence of marital rape. If one party is not wanting to have sex, and you have sex with them anyway, at least acknowledge and own up to what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have to figure that out? I do?

Here's the issue. I need foreplay. Lots of it. I prefer to climax through oral sex, will settle for manual in a pinch. My DH won't engage in any of it, won't learn, won't follow my lead. Just stopped trying. How do you propose I resolve this, other than masturbating alone and feeling angry?

You stand up for yourself using the same "Sex is an important part of marriage" argument as I am now.
This is asserting your needs and is a healthy thing for relationship.
Pace the sex so you get your O at the start. Just keep interrupting the flow until he learns that play stops when he turns selfish.

I don't get my O's from blow jobs or intercourse. There is nothing to pace. Half-assed picking between my legs the way people pick at their noses doesn't do it.

What in the fuck? Someone is touching your vag as if they're picking their nose? That sounds totally painful, and is probably the reason you havent orgasmed since the vast, vast majority of women orgasm from clitoral stimulation and not penetration. Sounds to me like you need to learn your own body first and then train your hubs what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear that there is a big divide on how people view sex. There is a group that sees sex as something a couple does with one another because sex with each other is good. And there's a group that sees sex as a reward one spouse (usually the wife) controls and doles out to the other.

If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Simple as that. If not wanting to have sex is the norm for you most days of the week, then it's a problem, and you should take it upon yourself to look for ways to fix that problem. And if you don't take steps to fix a problem in the marriage that you are causing, don't be surprised when your marriage deteriorates and don't blame it on the other person.

Bullshit. There's no controlling and doling out. Each partner is in control of their own body. If they're not interested, whatever the reason, they are no under obligation to engage in sex. And the other person should be mature enough to respect that.

Also, I don't think it would be much fun to have sex with an uninterested partner. And it would feel too close to forcing myself on someone for me to be comfortable with the idea.

You're delusional if you don't think there is a cultural expectation that more than a few people buy into that sex is something the woman gives for good behavior and the man earns for good behavior.

That said, you're right that sex isn't fun with an uninterested partner. It's just a particularly sad form of masturbation. But, if one spouse is uninterested more often than not, it's a problem for the marriage. The interested spouse is usually motivated to look for solutions. All too often, the uninterested spouse doesn't recognize it as their problem too.

Actually, considering it as a form of masturbation is ignoring the fact that there's another human being involved. If you're going to compare it to a sexual act, let's be real and acknowledge what in fact it most closely resembles: rape. If you are having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you, that is rapey. Period. Regardless of whether or not you are married. Which is why the court system does acknowledge the existence of marital rape. If one party is not wanting to have sex, and you have sex with them anyway, at least acknowledge and own up to what you're doing.

Well, it's rape in the same way that going to a job you don't like is slavery. The key is uninterested versus unwilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I only come to this part of the website in order to watch these trainwrecks. I cannot understand how you people manage to marry bad lovers (we you all virgins when you met your partner?). I cannot understand how many of you remain in these Sexless/roommate type arrangements. I think it is all good to be sexless if both of you are uninterested, but it doesn't appear that this is the case for most of you.

If your husbands are so bad in bed, why in God's name did you marry in the first place...or did you not try it before you bought it? If so, that's your fault.

Also for you men afraid to leave your sexless wives because of fear of paying too much to get out of thr marriage, maybe you should have thought about that before you married a 1950s housewife. Stupid.

They weren't bad initially but stopped trying once they felt they didn't have to anymore.

Men aren't the only ones who pay to get out of the marriage.

I'm afraid life is a bit more nuanced than the article you read in Cosmo.

Naw. Just not everyone here got themselves into these terrible marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I have to figure that out? I do?

Here's the issue. I need foreplay. Lots of it. I prefer to climax through oral sex, will settle for manual in a pinch. My DH won't engage in any of it, won't learn, won't follow my lead. Just stopped trying. How do you propose I resolve this, other than masturbating alone and feeling angry?

You stand up for yourself using the same "Sex is an important part of marriage" argument as I am now.
This is asserting your needs and is a healthy thing for relationship.
Pace the sex so you get your O at the start. Just keep interrupting the flow until he learns that play stops when he turns selfish.

I don't get my O's from blow jobs or intercourse. There is nothing to pace. Half-assed picking between my legs the way people pick at their noses doesn't do it.

What in the fuck? Someone is touching your vag as if they're picking their nose? That sounds totally painful, and is probably the reason you havent orgasmed since the vast, vast majority of women orgasm from clitoral stimulation and not penetration. Sounds to me like you need to learn your own body first and then train your hubs what to do.

Sounds to me like your reading comprehension skills aren't there. I know very well how and why I orgasm. Your position assumes that husbands are trainable, and that when told, "do X", they will actually do it. Have you ever suspected not men are like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I only come to this part of the website in order to watch these trainwrecks. I cannot understand how you people manage to marry bad lovers (we you all virgins when you met your partner?). I cannot understand how many of you remain in these Sexless/roommate type arrangements. I think it is all good to be sexless if both of you are uninterested, but it doesn't appear that this is the case for most of you.

If your husbands are so bad in bed, why in God's name did you marry in the first place...or did you not try it before you bought it? If so, that's your fault.

Also for you men afraid to leave your sexless wives because of fear of paying too much to get out of thr marriage, maybe you should have thought about that before you married a 1950s housewife. Stupid.

They weren't bad initially but stopped trying once they felt they didn't have to anymore.

Men aren't the only ones who pay to get out of the marriage.

I'm afraid life is a bit more nuanced than the article you read in Cosmo.

Naw. Just not everyone here got themselves into these terrible marriages.

Never said that - what exactly are you arguing with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear that there is a big divide on how people view sex. There is a group that sees sex as something a couple does with one another because sex with each other is good. And there's a group that sees sex as a reward one spouse (usually the wife) controls and doles out to the other.

If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Simple as that. If not wanting to have sex is the norm for you most days of the week, then it's a problem, and you should take it upon yourself to look for ways to fix that problem. And if you don't take steps to fix a problem in the marriage that you are causing, don't be surprised when your marriage deteriorates and don't blame it on the other person.

Bullshit. There's no controlling and doling out. Each partner is in control of their own body. If they're not interested, whatever the reason, they are no under obligation to engage in sex. And the other person should be mature enough to respect that.

Also, I don't think it would be much fun to have sex with an uninterested partner. And it would feel too close to forcing myself on someone for me to be comfortable with the idea.

You're delusional if you don't think there is a cultural expectation that more than a few people buy into that sex is something the woman gives for good behavior and the man earns for good behavior.

That said, you're right that sex isn't fun with an uninterested partner. It's just a particularly sad form of masturbation. But, if one spouse is uninterested more often than not, it's a problem for the marriage. The interested spouse is usually motivated to look for solutions. All too often, the uninterested spouse doesn't recognize it as their problem too.

Actually, considering it as a form of masturbation is ignoring the fact that there's another human being involved. If you're going to compare it to a sexual act, let's be real and acknowledge what in fact it most closely resembles: rape. If you are having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you, that is rapey. Period. Regardless of whether or not you are married. Which is why the court system does acknowledge the existence of marital rape. If one party is not wanting to have sex, and you have sex with them anyway, at least acknowledge and own up to what you're doing.

Well, it's rape in the same way that going to a job you don't like is slavery. The key is uninterested versus unwilling.

Actually, it's not the same. Try taking your 9-5 employer to court for slavery and see how fast you get thrown out. But marital rape is very much recognized and enforced as being a crime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear that there is a big divide on how people view sex. There is a group that sees sex as something a couple does with one another because sex with each other is good. And there's a group that sees sex as a reward one spouse (usually the wife) controls and doles out to the other.

If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Simple as that. If not wanting to have sex is the norm for you most days of the week, then it's a problem, and you should take it upon yourself to look for ways to fix that problem. And if you don't take steps to fix a problem in the marriage that you are causing, don't be surprised when your marriage deteriorates and don't blame it on the other person.

Bullshit. There's no controlling and doling out. Each partner is in control of their own body. If they're not interested, whatever the reason, they are no under obligation to engage in sex. And the other person should be mature enough to respect that.

Also, I don't think it would be much fun to have sex with an uninterested partner. And it would feel too close to forcing myself on someone for me to be comfortable with the idea.

You're delusional if you don't think there is a cultural expectation that more than a few people buy into that sex is something the woman gives for good behavior and the man earns for good behavior.

That said, you're right that sex isn't fun with an uninterested partner. It's just a particularly sad form of masturbation. But, if one spouse is uninterested more often than not, it's a problem for the marriage. The interested spouse is usually motivated to look for solutions. All too often, the uninterested spouse doesn't recognize it as their problem too.

Actually, considering it as a form of masturbation is ignoring the fact that there's another human being involved. If you're going to compare it to a sexual act, let's be real and acknowledge what in fact it most closely resembles: rape. If you are having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you, that is rapey. Period. Regardless of whether or not you are married. Which is why the court system does acknowledge the existence of marital rape. If one party is not wanting to have sex, and you have sex with them anyway, at least acknowledge and own up to what you're doing.

Well, it's rape in the same way that going to a job you don't like is slavery. The key is uninterested versus unwilling.

Actually, it's not the same. Try taking your 9-5 employer to court for slavery and see how fast you get thrown out. But marital rape is very much recognized and enforced as being a crime.

Only if the woman actively resists. Participating in an act willingly but without interest doesn't qualify.

[Anonymous]

^We're also dealing with a moral issue here, of having sex with someone who flat out does not want to sleep with you, which, yes, is rape.

If your only concern with that is a legal one than I dont know what to tell you. You might just be a horrible selfish individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^We're also dealing with a moral issue here, of having sex with someone who flat out does not want to sleep with you, which, yes, is rape.

If your only concern with that is a legal one than I dont know what to tell you. You might just be a horrible selfish individual.

I might be all that thing, but also right. You just can't declare something a rape where one partner participates willingly but without interest. It isn't fun, it isn't uplifting in any sense, but millions of women have done it while running shopping lists or thinking of England.