How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

[Anonymous]

I cheated, for almost a year, soon after we married and before we had children or owned a house. It was cowardly and terrible - I did not think we were going to make it, I wanted out, and we had not changed anything about our single lives after marriage. All of those are excuses, but they provide some context. I felt horrible, and when my husband found out/I confessed (it was more of a confession/what is going on with you type thing), I expected things would be over. But they are not, and five years later we have children, and a home, and I think we are okay. I often think he regrets forgiving me, and I think it changed our relationship in all kinds of terrible ways I had not envisioned at the time. We have done therapy, and I can honestly say I would never, ever do it again. For me, it was a horrible self destructive thing like cutting or drugs. I caused everyone so much pain, and I have so much regret about it.

That said -- I don't think you get over it. I am still not over having done it. It changes a marriage. But I would not look on DCUM for advice or support - on this website, everyone tells every woman complaining about doing all the dishes to Divorce! and Why did you marry him? So, well, no. Therapy, meditation, take time for yourself, cherish yourself, grieve. It is like a mini death. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - this really is a very personal matter of perspective for everyone. The concept of "forgiveness" is a very fuzzy one for me, and I have come to the conclusion it isn't entirely necessary to move forward. But I can tell you, there's a certain strength and catharsis from accepting the fact that the people around you, the people you love, can be fallible and complicated, and that they can make mistakes. Once I worked through the pain and the hurt, I was able to take a deep breath and see myself for the first time - also fallible, imperfect and needing of forgiveness.

I can't tell you how much more accepting and loving and generally understanding and connected I am to other people having lived through this. I feel guilty almost, that I kept my personal situation quite private because others won't know how common this is, and how it truly can make your partnership stronger and happier.

It might sound trite and as PP said, there will always be those who label you as "weak" but this experience has actually ratified all of the reasons I wanted to marry this man in the first place - and why I WANT to stay married to him. If you can't find the answers to those questions, perhaps you should move on - but look hard first, and give him the chance to grow.

Best to you

+1

[Anonymous]

I got through it, but the nature of my husbands stepping out was a couple of drunk one night stands, not long term and no emotional connection. We ended up treating one another better. It took a long time (years) and he really wanted to make it better. I don't have regrets working it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't speak from my own experience but my BFF's husband cheated a few years ago. They worked it out. Then he cheated again about a year later, with someone different. They worked it out once again. Then recently she found racy text messages between him and yet another woman. She continues to work things out but doesn't trust him one bit. She's constantly holding it all over his head. I really don't know what the point is as they don't even have kids. Some guys just aren't faithful. Not sure if that's the case with your husband, OP.

Your friend has no self esteem.

I agree. She's delusional.

Yeah, I gave up a while ago trying to advise her to leave the marriage. I just support and listen to her now. She says she's going to just have to turn a blind eye, in her words, except she doesn't really turn the eye and instead berates him for a few hours and the next they're "fine" as if it never happened. Until it happens again of course. Sad life for a 29 year old but what are you going to do.

This is my mom to a T. My dad cheats all the time. She gets pissed at him and puts him in the dog house for about a month. After a bunch of begging and pleading she always takes him back. And likes to proclaim she is so in love with him and he's so great until he gets caught again. It's to the point that I tell her I don't want to hear about it or care. She knows who he is. Men like this never change.

and puts her at risk of an STD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, for almost a year, soon after we married and before we had children or owned a house. It was cowardly and terrible - I did not think we were going to make it, I wanted out, and we had not changed anything about our single lives after marriage. All of those are excuses, but they provide some context. I felt horrible, and when my husband found out/I confessed (it was more of a confession/what is going on with you type thing), I expected things would be over. But they are not, and five years later we have children, and a home, and I think we are okay. I often think he regrets forgiving me, and I think it changed our relationship in all kinds of terrible ways I had not envisioned at the time. We have done therapy, and I can honestly say I would never, ever do it again. For me, it was a horrible self destructive thing like cutting or drugs. I caused everyone so much pain, and I have so much regret about it.

That said -- I don't think you get over it. I am still not over having done it. It changes a marriage. But I would not look on DCUM for advice or support - on this website, everyone tells every woman complaining about doing all the dishes to Divorce! and Why did you marry him? So, well, no. Therapy, meditation, take time for yourself, cherish yourself, grieve. It is like a mini death. Take care of yourself.

I can believe this. He has deep rooted anger that is never going to go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, for almost a year, soon after we married and before we had children or owned a house. It was cowardly and terrible - I did not think we were going to make it, I wanted out, and we had not changed anything about our single lives after marriage. All of those are excuses, but they provide some context. I felt horrible, and when my husband found out/I confessed (it was more of a confession/what is going on with you type thing), I expected things would be over. But they are not, and five years later we have children, and a home, and I think we are okay. I often think he regrets forgiving me, and I think it changed our relationship in all kinds of terrible ways I had not envisioned at the time. We have done therapy, and I can honestly say I would never, ever do it again. For me, it was a horrible self destructive thing like cutting or drugs. I caused everyone so much pain, and I have so much regret about it.

That said -- I don't think you get over it. I am still not over having done it. It changes a marriage. But I would not look on DCUM for advice or support - on this website, everyone tells every woman complaining about doing all the dishes to Divorce! and Why did you marry him? So, well, no. Therapy, meditation, take time for yourself, cherish yourself, grieve. It is like a mini death. Take care of yourself.

I can believe this. He has deep rooted anger that is never going to go away.

I've been there. I am curious how these cheated on men deal with the other man especially if they are someone they occasionally see around.

[Anonymous]

My sister cheated with someone who worked for her husband in a government position (he couldn't be fired - but his office got moved to a very old part of the building, in the basement where it was leaky and damp and no heat.....). Don't bonk the boss' wife......my sister divorced her husband, married her affair partner, and they've been married 23 years now. But it was an awful divorce and her kids from first marriage lived with her former husband and have so much anger, they don't talk with her. The affair partner was also a family friend. It was ugly.

[Anonymous]

"We're 7 years out. I agree dcum is not a good place to ask this question. Most marriages survive infidelity, while dcum insists most don't. "

I don't want to deal with "surviving" a dumbass thing that my spouse did that shit on our marriage vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister cheated with someone who worked for her husband in a government position (he couldn't be fired - but his office got moved to a very old part of the building, in the basement where it was leaky and damp and no heat.....). Don't bonk the boss' wife......my sister divorced her husband, married her affair partner, and they've been married 23 years now. But it was an awful divorce and her kids from first marriage lived with her former husband and have so much anger, they don't talk with her. The affair partner was also a family friend. It was ugly.

Your sister is a mess and her now husband is a moron for thinking the same thing couldn't happen to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"We're 7 years out. I agree dcum is not a good place to ask this question. Most marriages survive infidelity, while dcum insists most don't. "

I don't want to deal with "surviving" a dumbass thing that my spouse did that shit on our marriage vows.

Well it isn't so easy if you have kids, been married ten or twenty years and otherwise have a live fully integrated with each other and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheated, for almost a year, soon after we married and before we had children or owned a house. It was cowardly and terrible - I did not think we were going to make it, I wanted out, and we had not changed anything about our single lives after marriage. All of those are excuses, but they provide some context. I felt horrible, and when my husband found out/I confessed (it was more of a confession/what is going on with you type thing), I expected things would be over. But they are not, and five years later we have children, and a home, and I think we are okay. I often think he regrets forgiving me, and I think it changed our relationship in all kinds of terrible ways I had not envisioned at the time. We have done therapy, and I can honestly say I would never, ever do it again. For me, it was a horrible self destructive thing like cutting or drugs. I caused everyone so much pain, and I have so much regret about it.

That said -- I don't think you get over it. I am still not over having done it. It changes a marriage. But I would not look on DCUM for advice or support - on this website, everyone tells every woman complaining about doing all the dishes to Divorce! and Why did you marry him? So, well, no. Therapy, meditation, take time for yourself, cherish yourself, grieve. It is like a mini death. Take care of yourself.

I can believe this. He has deep rooted anger that is never going to go away.

I've been there. I am curious how these cheated on men deal with the other man especially if they are someone they occasionally see around.

That is why marriages fail more often when men are the ones cheated on. None of my friends, nor me, would ever put up with this - don't care if I would have to live in my mother's basement while paying alimony and child support for multiple kids and having just enough money to take future dates to a McDonalds. It just tears into your identity as a man, seeing some guy who was with your wife during your marriage and deciding to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

My DH cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend 15 years ago before we were married. I didn't find out about for a couple of years. He was extremely remorseful and he is a good person. Obviously, I went on to marry him so I forgave him and love him.

But - it is not the same. The fact that I found out after the fact made me feel kind of cheated again, this time from being able to react in real time. I am certain we would have broken up if I had found out at the time he did it, but in the intervening years, he was really great and by the time I found out, he felt completely awful. So it was like I was mad at a memory, if that makes sense. Mad at the person he no longer was. Something changed forever in me and my view if him. I am not the same idealistic person and am much more pessimistic than I was because I truly believed he was the one guy who would never cheat and it really damaged my ability to trust my own judgment. I also took him off a pedestal and just have less intense feelings for him overall probably as a defense mechanism. That still hasnt changed.

It took maybe a couple of years to wonder where he was if he didn't respond to my calls quickly. I'm over that and I'm not suspicious of him.

I do wonder if it would have been better if I had known at the time it had happened and we had broken up. I feel like it would have been better and we probably would have reunited anyway, but after I was able to sort things out in real time.

[Anonymous]

I was the one who had an A, and we are over five years out from d-day (I confessed). We had no kids or assets on d-day, but had been together for over 10 years. We both made the choice to try to reconcile. I worked my ass off on me and my issues. My H worked on issues he had. And we both worked on our relationship.

Our marriage is not the same as it was. I caused him horrible pain, and I wish that I could take that back. But I cannot. Yet together we have moved forward and created a much healthier marriage.

In terms of going back to "normal," I don't think that ever happens. The old relationship is dead. If one chooses to create a new relationship, it can be done. It's not easy though, and not for everyone. For many it is a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

It's been five years since I discovered some texts on DW's phone. To make a long story short, DW had been away for a girl's weekend (which apparently involved getting together with some old guy friends who lived in that city) and when she returned I could tell something was a little off. I snooped and discovered DW and affair partner were texting weekly (sometimes multiple times per day) and planning their next meet up. Difficult because affair partner lived in a different city, but these two put forth quite an effort to plan it.

Rather than confront, I asked if everything was ok and let DW know I felt something was off. I even tried out the old "I know this sounds crazy but are you having an affair"? All I got in return was repeated denials while the communications continued and the day of DW's next visit with affair partner rapidly approached.

The whole thing turned my world upside down. After ten years of marriage it felt like everything about us was invalidated. I walked around stunned for months and there were times where I felt like I had been punched in the gut. The fact that DW could have cut it off after I asked her if anything was wrong told me everything I needed to know about her commitment to our relationship. That's probably what hurt the most -I couldn't rationalize it as a one-time mistake on her part.

I decided not to say anything more and to let DW go through with visit to affair partner (albeit with a private investigator hired to get photos) on the basis that our marriage was over and I at least wanted the leverage that photos would provide. But then I decided that splitting up was not going to be the best thing for our family (three young kids). And I just couldn't get over how super creepy hiring a PI seemed. So I confronted DW a few days before her visit with affair partner.

Fast forward five years and we've stayed together and I suppose moved past it, but I certainly haven't forgiven her nor has she accepted any responsibility. So we continue to stay together for the kids and manage to do it without fighting or creating a negative atmosphere. It actually works well for us. The key for me has been accepting the fact that I don't have the marriage I thought I had and just focusing on the joys that my kids bring me. I did look at my own actions to determine what I had done to bring this situation about. While we certainly had our share of the usual stresses, none of them really seemed to rise to the level where I could see how DW would choose to have an affair.

Finally, I decided that if my wife wasn't committed to being faithful, then I didn't have to be either. But I suppose that's a post for another thread. And for anyone contemplating it, I can tell you that having an affair of your own after being cheated on does absolutely nothing to dull the pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been five years since I discovered some texts on DW's phone. To make a long story short, DW had been away for a girl's weekend (which apparently involved getting together with some old guy friends who lived in that city) and when she returned I could tell something was a little off. I snooped and discovered DW and affair partner were texting weekly (sometimes multiple times per day) and planning their next meet up. Difficult because affair partner lived in a different city, but these two put forth quite an effort to plan it.

Rather than confront, I asked if everything was ok and let DW know I felt something was off. I even tried out the old "I know this sounds crazy but are you having an affair"? All I got in return was repeated denials while the communications continued and the day of DW's next visit with affair partner rapidly approached.

The whole thing turned my world upside down. After ten years of marriage it felt like everything about us was invalidated. I walked around stunned for months and there were times where I felt like I had been punched in the gut. The fact that DW could have cut it off after I asked her if anything was wrong told me everything I needed to know about her commitment to our relationship. That's probably what hurt the most -I couldn't rationalize it as a one-time mistake on her part.

I decided not to say anything more and to let DW go through with visit to affair partner (albeit with a private investigator hired to get photos) on the basis that our marriage was over and I at least wanted the leverage that photos would provide. But then I decided that splitting up was not going to be the best thing for our family (three young kids). And I just couldn't get over how super creepy hiring a PI seemed. So I confronted DW a few days before her visit with affair partner.

Fast forward five years and we've stayed together and I suppose moved past it, but I certainly haven't forgiven her nor has she accepted any responsibility. So we continue to stay together for the kids and manage to do it without fighting or creating a negative atmosphere. It actually works well for us. The key for me has been accepting the fact that I don't have the marriage I thought I had and just focusing on the joys that my kids bring me. I did look at my own actions to determine what I had done to bring this situation about. While we certainly had our share of the usual stresses, none of them really seemed to rise to the level where I could see how DW would choose to have an affair.

Finally, I decided that if my wife wasn't committed to being faithful, then I didn't have to be either. But I suppose that's a post for another thread. And for anyone contemplating it, I can tell you that having an affair of your own after being cheated on does absolutely nothing to dull the pain.

Very poignant. So real. Thank you for this post.