How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. Infidelity strikes at the heart of our insecurities (am I good enough? attractive enough? sexual enough?). No matter how wealthy or gorgeous, it can happen to anyone. That is perhaps why posters are so inflamed with the subject. No, I cannot walk in anyone else's shoes but I can still remember how devastated my mother was when she accused my father of cheating, which he had not done on the basis of some circumstantial things that happened and how she put them together.

Look, if you are cheated on and decide to stay in your marriage, who is anyone else to judge?

For me it's not so much about insecurity as it is about respect of one another and our promises to each other when we married. It is, quite literally, breaking our marriage vows to commit such an act. I have too much time left in this world to stick around for someone that would treat me that way. Move on to the next one.

Well if your view is move on to the next one your odds aren't that great anyway.

Like I said, I do not have time to stick around for those that are going to disrespect my relationship and marriage. I bet if someone was emotionally abused your response would not be the same.

All these words: "abusive" "forgiveness" "respect" -- they're subjective to a point. As a PP said, perhaps your husband was faking it from the word "go" and respect/love was never there, or you had unrealistic expectations about things, or perhaps he did. Monogamy is a fairly new experiment for humanity and it can be rewarding for some, and some people aren't meant for it. Then there is the added pressure of societal expectations and individual perspectives brought to each scenario. So, YOU say, that YOU think it's about respect, then that's what it is for YOU. But how dare you shame me for deciding what it is for ME. I'm going to bet you're one of those that sits in the pew on Sunday singing hallelujah to "judge not lest ye be judged" -never fails that puttinog that into practice if a hell of a lot harder than one realizes.

Your analysis is quite interesting. First of all, I said the words, assuming you.are talking about this chain of messages,"infedility for me" all of my responses were in my point of view. What it.means for me. It is interesting you bring up the topic of shaming as your first post was about shaming those that did not have your views by dismissing it as "insecurity". If I was a shrink and not an engineer that doesn't know anything about soft science, I would say you are projecting in your above comment. By all means continue to have your opinion as I certainly will mine.


Nevertheless you are completely wrong about my situation- I have never been cheated on my husband I've been with for 10 years. I am also a humanist.

"humanist"?, - that explains it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I've been trying to decide what makes my marriage's recovery different from the PPs who state "just leave, it's not worth it" or the people that while they "happily left" still sound so very bitter than I feel (and trust me people I could be bitter) and I think a big part of it is how we deal with this "bubbling."

I'll start by saying that DH is highly remorseful, and really worked on his SH--. I know not everyone is given that, and if he hadn't been remorseful I'm not sure how I'd feel. I think it really matters to acknowledge that it doesn't ever go away, and have a plan of how to work through it when it does bubble - but I don't hold it over his head like an anvil waiting to drop either. That's not to say it doesn't come up (particularly after a couple glasses of wine and we're discussing his mother but when it comes up it's more - I don't know...humorous? Maybe that's just my personality though. Never been a grudge holder. But it also comes up in our discussions about how to best parent our kids - and I swear to you I'm so much more interested in raising happy, honest humans than I am successful doctors or lawyers than I was before this all happened. Undeniably we are both going to be better parents because of this.

But back to the bubbling: I might need reassurance on occasion and he might need to give it. He might need to apologize one more time, but more often than not, he apologizes one more time, without me forcing it. I have to apologize too, for things I could have done better and still need to do better to this day. We're quite an apologetic, but happy family. We've all gotten pretty damn good at apologizing!

Also, I see her - mmmmm - 3-4 times a week! That's right! For those of you that say you "could never tolerate that" you're right, at first I couldn't - I would have rather walked through fire than make nice with her in the situation were in, but, slowly it became incredibly cathartic - first to ignore her - and then, to just not care. You guys, one day I stopped giving a shit. That was a fabulous day, it truly was. And now, she's not insignificant to me, she's no more significant than anyone else and that is a wonderful feeling.

That's what I feel when I look back on this whole thing - it forced me out of this fairy tale idea I had about the way the world worked and made me see people for the first time, Not just D! but everyone, and I like it a lot better over here - where people are flawed but they can get better, and so can I.

Pp, you are an awesome individual. You recognize that life is a bunch of shades of grey, that people are human, that we can knock each other down and pull each other back up. Your life has become incredibly honest and you have allowed yourself to feel things deeply. So many people do not let themselves go there...it is too scary. You are a really lucky person to really wake up to life. My best to you, from one DW to another.

I agree. She's impressive.

Agree! I so enjoy spending time with people with this kind of world view

Wow. she's someone I hope that I know IRL. her husband is lucky and I think he knows it. What a refreshingly healthy perspective.