How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't speak from my own experience but my BFF's husband cheated a few years ago. They worked it out. Then he cheated again about a year later, with someone different. They worked it out once again. Then recently she found racy text messages between him and yet another woman. She continues to work things out but doesn't trust him one bit. She's constantly holding it all over his head. I really don't know what the point is as they don't even have kids. Some guys just aren't faithful. Not sure if that's the case with your husband, OP.

Your friend has no self esteem.

I agree. She's delusional.

[Anonymous]

DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, only you "know" what is in your heart.

[Anonymous]

Cheating is filling an emotional void my ass. Men cheat because they like down and dirty sex with women that will do it because well, they're nasty.

Like the office skank named door knob.

Many women stay because it's too hard to go it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't speak from my own experience but my BFF's husband cheated a few years ago. They worked it out. Then he cheated again about a year later, with someone different. They worked it out once again. Then recently she found racy text messages between him and yet another woman. She continues to work things out but doesn't trust him one bit. She's constantly holding it all over his head. I really don't know what the point is as they don't even have kids. Some guys just aren't faithful. Not sure if that's the case with your husband, OP.

Your friend has no self esteem.

I agree. She's delusional.

Yeah, I gave up a while ago trying to advise her to leave the marriage. I just support and listen to her now. She says she's going to just have to turn a blind eye, in her words, except she doesn't really turn the eye and instead berates him for a few hours and the next they're "fine" as if it never happened. Until it happens again of course. Sad life for a 29 year old but what are you going to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

NP. Thank you for posting this. My husband and I are in counseling (individual and couples) to see if we can continue our marriage after discovery of infidelity that went on for many years. We also have a young child. It is good to hear a story that provides some hope that it may be possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

NP. Thank you for posting this. My husband and I are in counseling (individual and couples) to see if we can continue our marriage after discovery of infidelity that went on for many years. We also have a young child. It is good to hear a story that provides some hope that it may be possible.

Unfortunately, there aren't many stories out there. Not even our marriage counselor thought we'd make it. Now she's encouraged us to write a book. Our story was worse than most, given the length of the affair, the fact that I discovered it on my own (he didn't come clean until he had no choice), and the depth of the deception. When the wounds were fresh, I looked everywhere for success stories but found few. SurvivingInfidelity.com was helpful initially. Everyone thought I was crazy to stay. I lost friends who just couldn't understand my decision and the judgement of others was palpable. There were many factors working against us, but some critical ones in our favor: He never loved his affair partner, it was purely physical; he was remorseful and committed to going the distance to save our marriage; and he broke off all contact with her immediately. We'd known each other for decades and grew up together, for better or for worse. And when the dust settled, we discovered how much we meant to one another. People who tell you that staying is weak have no idea how much courage it takes to rebuild a broken marriage. In our case, it was worth it. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

God forgives, I don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

NP. Thank you for posting this. My husband and I are in counseling (individual and couples) to see if we can continue our marriage after discovery of infidelity that went on for many years. We also have a young child. It is good to hear a story that provides some hope that it may be possible.

Unfortunately, there aren't many stories out there. Not even our marriage counselor thought we'd make it. Now she's encouraged us to write a book. Our story was worse than most, given the length of the affair, the fact that I discovered it on my own (he didn't come clean until he had no choice), and the depth of the deception. When the wounds were fresh, I looked everywhere for success stories but found few. SurvivingInfidelity.com was helpful initially. Everyone thought I was crazy to stay. I lost friends who just couldn't understand my decision and the judgement of others was palpable. There were many factors working against us, but some critical ones in our favor: He never loved his affair partner, it was purely physical; he was remorseful and committed to going the distance to save our marriage; and he broke off all contact with her immediately. We'd known each other for decades and grew up together, for better or for worse. And when the dust settled, we discovered how much we meant to one another. People who tell you that staying is weak have no idea how much courage it takes to rebuild a broken marriage. In our case, it was worth it. I wish you the best.

This is a key detail. An affair where a partner is remorseful, breaks it off immediately and shows long term commitment to self-examination and change has a hope. But, if the cheating partner is not deeply remorseful (and not just about getting caught) and refuses to fully break off the affair relationship, then the relationship is unlikely to be repaired.

[Anonymous]

Year 1 was horrible and I thought divorce was the only option so we separated but did marriage therapy to figure out how we could be co parents. We did individual therapy as well.

Year two was better. I felt a lot stronger and my husband worked his ass off to be the man he wanted to be. He also opened up to his parents about it and having them open up to us about their very similar situation decades before was incredibly helpful. We continued with therapy and I decided I was willing to give our marriage a shot.

Year 3 was much easier - we had a lot of work to do but again, I'm a much stronger person now and I trust myself more. I think that is what people who judge others who work on the marriage after betrayal don't realize: trusting yourself and knowing your own strength is so much more important than whether you can trust your spouse in many ways.

As more time passes you heal, but you have to do the hard work of healing whether you stay together or not. I don't think every marriage can or should continue after infidelity but some can. My advice is that you don't have to decide right away. And find a more supportive forum - DCUM is not that forum and I hardly ever post my experience with infidelity here. There are many great blogs etc and surviving infidelity is a good resource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

This is amazing and honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is filling an emotional void my ass. Men cheat because they like down and dirty sex with women that will do it because well, they're nasty.

Like the office skank named door knob.

Many women stay because it's too hard to go it alone.

See. Here's part of the problem. You'd rather believe that men are pathetic than take a close look at your relationship.

Besides, women cheat as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

I could have written this, except for us it's now been 22 years since I found out DH was having an affair. For me, the pain did heal after a few years, and we have gone on to have a different, but happy marriage. I actually think our marriage is much better for the work we did in counseling. But DH really wanted it to work, and was extremely remorseful. He never blamed me, though I certainly was not a perfect wife (and still am not). I don't have any regrets about staying, and he's never done anything to suggest he does either.

But. I think it's important to note that DHs infidelity happened before we had children. That means we had space and time to deal with our individual issues and couple issues, without an audience. Although the imperative to stay together may be stronger when one has kids, I actually suspect it's far, far more difficult to actually put a marriage back together when you have kids. You have so much less time for yourself and for each other.

[Anonymous]

We're 7 years out. I agree dcum is not a good place to ask this question. Most marriages survive infidelity, while dcum insists most don't.

It did take years and lots of hard work. Recently I've found myself thinking about it. Our marriage is not perfect. But it works.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this post. Those of us who are in midst of it wonder when the pain will be over. We want a light at the end of the tunnel. You are not alone. Thank you.