How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

[Anonymous]

This thread is fascinating. Infidelity strikes at the heart of our insecurities (am I good enough? attractive enough? sexual enough?). No matter how wealthy or gorgeous, it can happen to anyone. That is perhaps why posters are so inflamed with the subject. No, I cannot walk in anyone else's shoes but I can still remember how devastated my mother was when she accused my father of cheating, which he had not done on the basis of some circumstantial things that happened and how she put them together.

Look, if you are cheated on and decide to stay in your marriage, who is anyone else to judge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how long did it take for you to feel okay again if you or your spouse stepped out? Did you go to counseling? If you did, how long did you stay in counseling? Did you stay together or end up splitting? What words of wisdom would you like to tell someone who is going through this and wants to try to stay together? I'm interested in both parties view: the person who stepped out and the innocent spouse.

UH, NEVER.

Yes, we went to counseling and spent tens of thousands of dollars on that. We stayed in counseling for four years.

We are now divorced by the grace of God.

My words of wisdom are: Once a cheater, always a cheater. Unfortunately you failed. You married the wrong kind of person. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to hear, but it's the truth. I look around, and I know many of my friends are married to wonderful (though not perfect) honest, loving men. These friends chose the right person to marry. I did not. I married someone who just pretended to have these qualities.

If you want to stay together, you must know that you will never be able to trust him again. You will always wonder. You will always be scared. Also, you better have a lot of money tucked away from both individual counseling and marital counseling - and none of the good psychologists in this area take insurance.

Also google the statistics about marriage counseling.

I hope I don't sound bitter because I'm not. I'm yet to see a happily married couple who had to go to marital counseling. Though lots of people fake it! Sometimes if enough money is involved, and if you are a woman who never worked and can't support herself, I completely understand this. I just hope your kids will be okay growing up in a household without love and affection between their parents.

Sounds like you got some pretty bad counseling. DH and I are happier than we've ever been individually and together. It's not a lie we're telling ourselves. I'm sorry it didn't work for you. I'm sorry you married the wrong man. But not all struggling marriages are doomed to failure if both partners are committed to doing the hard work. It sounds like that wasn't true in your case.

No, I got very good counseling, but marital counseling does not work if one of the partners is not putting 100 percent into it, is not 100 percent remorseful, and has not changed their entire character.

You don't need to feel sorry for me. I am doing very well.

I believe that you married the wrong man too. Because it is nearly impossible for someone to change their character. I doubt your husband has truly done so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. Infidelity strikes at the heart of our insecurities (am I good enough? attractive enough? sexual enough?). No matter how wealthy or gorgeous, it can happen to anyone. That is perhaps why posters are so inflamed with the subject. No, I cannot walk in anyone else's shoes but I can still remember how devastated my mother was when she accused my father of cheating, which he had not done on the basis of some circumstantial things that happened and how she put them together.

Look, if you are cheated on and decide to stay in your marriage, who is anyone else to judge?

People definitely judge and talk behind your back. It's the most humiliating thing in the world.

Everyone feels sorry for you. But they also know that you are weak and a victim. They think: Thank God, not ME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some observations. Really tired of people talking about the "hard work" of counseling and getting down to the issues. Is it really that difficult to be open and honest with someone on a daily basis? Or you need a counselor to explain to you how to open up? I mean, haven't most of you been dating since HS and experiencing a range of emotions and situations with someone you are romantically involved with?

Also, any post on infidelity should make one understand that every situation is very different. I really hope that I never have an evening where in my situation one of us confesses to an affair because of the breach of trust. If I need an affair in marriage to eventually make us a closer couple, there are bigger problems that I would have been foolish to ignore. What if that evening does happen and I am the one cheated on? 50/50 we would stay together depending on the circumstances. But no f'ing way I would stick around if my spouse and I still had to interact with the other person, even on a limited basis.

Thanks for your observations - lady who never walked in my shoes. Really enlightening.

Agreed. Righteous posts from those with no credibility or experience are tiresome and pointless. Save your soap boxing for people seeking validation to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how long did it take for you to feel okay again if you or your spouse stepped out? Did you go to counseling? If you did, how long did you stay in counseling? Did you stay together or end up splitting? What words of wisdom would you like to tell someone who is going through this and wants to try to stay together? I'm interested in both parties view: the person who stepped out and the innocent spouse.

UH, NEVER.

Yes, we went to counseling and spent tens of thousands of dollars on that. We stayed in counseling for four years.

We are now divorced by the grace of God.

My words of wisdom are: Once a cheater, always a cheater. Unfortunately you failed. You married the wrong kind of person. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to hear, but it's the truth. I look around, and I know many of my friends are married to wonderful (though not perfect) honest, loving men. These friends chose the right person to marry. I did not. I married someone who just pretended to have these qualities.

If you want to stay together, you must know that you will never be able to trust him again. You will always wonder. You will always be scared. Also, you better have a lot of money tucked away from both individual counseling and marital counseling - and none of the good psychologists in this area take insurance.

Also google the statistics about marriage counseling.

I hope I don't sound bitter because I'm not. I'm yet to see a happily married couple who had to go to marital counseling. Though lots of people fake it! Sometimes if enough money is involved, and if you are a woman who never worked and can't support herself, I completely understand this. I just hope your kids will be okay growing up in a household without love and affection between their parents.

Sounds like you got some pretty bad counseling. DH and I are happier than we've ever been individually and together. It's not a lie we're telling ourselves. I'm sorry it didn't work for you. I'm sorry you married the wrong man. But not all struggling marriages are doomed to failure if both partners are committed to doing the hard work. It sounds like that wasn't true in your case.

No, I got very good counseling, but marital counseling does not work if one of the partners is not putting 100 percent into it, is not 100 percent remorseful, and has not changed their entire character.

You don't need to feel sorry for me. I am doing very well.

I believe that you married the wrong man too. Because it is nearly impossible for someone to change their character. I doubt your husband has truly done so.

NP here, you do sound very bitter. Which is not the hallmark of person who is doing very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been trying to decide what makes my marriage's recovery different from the PPs who state "just leave, it's not worth it" or the people that while they "happily left" still sound so very bitter than I feel (and trust me people I could be bitter) and I think a big part of it is how we deal with this "bubbling."

I'll start by saying that DH is highly remorseful, and really worked on his SH--. I know not everyone is given that, and if he hadn't been remorseful I'm not sure how I'd feel. I think it really matters to acknowledge that it doesn't ever go away, and have a plan of how to work through it when it does bubble - but I don't hold it over his head like an anvil waiting to drop either. That's not to say it doesn't come up (particularly after a couple glasses of wine and we're discussing his mother but when it comes up it's more - I don't know...humorous? Maybe that's just my personality though. Never been a grudge holder. But it also comes up in our discussions about how to best parent our kids - and I swear to you I'm so much more interested in raising happy, honest humans than I am successful doctors or lawyers than I was before this all happened. Undeniably we are both going to be better parents because of this.

But back to the bubbling: I might need reassurance on occasion and he might need to give it. He might need to apologize one more time, but more often than not, he apologizes one more time, without me forcing it. I have to apologize too, for things I could have done better and still need to do better to this day. We're quite an apologetic, but happy family. We've all gotten pretty damn good at apologizing!

Also, I see her - mmmmm - 3-4 times a week! That's right! For those of you that say you "could never tolerate that" you're right, at first I couldn't - I would have rather walked through fire than make nice with her in the situation were in, but, slowly it became incredibly cathartic - first to ignore her - and then, to just not care. You guys, one day I stopped giving a shit. That was a fabulous day, it truly was. And now, she's not insignificant to me, she's no more significant than anyone else and that is a wonderful feeling.

That's what I feel when I look back on this whole thing - it forced me out of this fairy tale idea I had about the way the world worked and made me see people for the first time, Not just D! but everyone, and I like it a lot better over here - where people are flawed but they can get better, and so can I.

Pp, you are an awesome individual. You recognize that life is a bunch of shades of grey, that people are human, that we can knock each other down and pull each other back up. Your life has become incredibly honest and you have allowed yourself to feel things deeply. So many people do not let themselves go there...it is too scary. You are a really lucky person to really wake up to life. My best to you, from one DW to another.

I agree. She's impressive.

Agree! I so enjoy spending time with people with this kind of world view

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how long did it take for you to feel okay again if you or your spouse stepped out? Did you go to counseling? If you did, how long did you stay in counseling? Did you stay together or end up splitting? What words of wisdom would you like to tell someone who is going through this and wants to try to stay together? I'm interested in both parties view: the person who stepped out and the innocent spouse.

UH, NEVER.

Yes, we went to counseling and spent tens of thousands of dollars on that. We stayed in counseling for four years.

We are now divorced by the grace of God.

My words of wisdom are: Once a cheater, always a cheater. Unfortunately you failed. You married the wrong kind of person. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to hear, but it's the truth. I look around, and I know many of my friends are married to wonderful (though not perfect) honest, loving men. These friends chose the right person to marry. I did not. I married someone who just pretended to have these qualities.

If you want to stay together, you must know that you will never be able to trust him again. You will always wonder. You will always be scared. Also, you better have a lot of money tucked away from both individual counseling and marital counseling - and none of the good psychologists in this area take insurance.

Also google the statistics about marriage counseling.

I hope I don't sound bitter because I'm not. I'm yet to see a happily married couple who had to go to marital counseling. Though lots of people fake it! Sometimes if enough money is involved, and if you are a woman who never worked and can't support herself, I completely understand this. I just hope your kids will be okay growing up in a household without love and affection between their parents.

Sounds like you got some pretty bad counseling. DH and I are happier than we've ever been individually and together. It's not a lie we're telling ourselves. I'm sorry it didn't work for you. I'm sorry you married the wrong man. But not all struggling marriages are doomed to failure if both partners are committed to doing the hard work. It sounds like that wasn't true in your case.

No, I got very good counseling, but marital counseling does not work if one of the partners is not putting 100 percent into it, is not 100 percent remorseful, and has not changed their entire character.

You don't need to feel sorry for me. I am doing very well.

I believe that you married the wrong man too. Because it is nearly impossible for someone to change their character. I doubt your husband has truly done so.

NP here, you do sound very bitter. Which is not the hallmark of person who is doing very well.

+1 Given PP's inability to see someone else's point of view outside of her own limited experience, I'm not surprised counseling or the marriage didn't work. It's not up to the counselor to do the heavy lifting, anyway. Both partners need to be committed to change and open to redemption. It sounds like neither were in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. Infidelity strikes at the heart of our insecurities (am I good enough? attractive enough? sexual enough?). No matter how wealthy or gorgeous, it can happen to anyone. That is perhaps why posters are so inflamed with the subject. No, I cannot walk in anyone else's shoes but I can still remember how devastated my mother was when she accused my father of cheating, which he had not done on the basis of some circumstantial things that happened and how she put them together.

Look, if you are cheated on and decide to stay in your marriage, who is anyone else to judge?

For me it's not so much about insecurity as it is about respect of one another and our promises to each other when we married. It is, quite literally, breaking our marriage vows to commit such an act. I have too much time left in this world to stick around for someone that would treat me that way. Move on to the next one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. Infidelity strikes at the heart of our insecurities (am I good enough? attractive enough? sexual enough?). No matter how wealthy or gorgeous, it can happen to anyone. That is perhaps why posters are so inflamed with the subject. No, I cannot walk in anyone else's shoes but I can still remember how devastated my mother was when she accused my father of cheating, which he had not done on the basis of some circumstantial things that happened and how she put them together.

Look, if you are cheated on and decide to stay in your marriage, who is anyone else to judge?

For me it's not so much about insecurity as it is about respect of one another and our promises to each other when we married. It is, quite literally, breaking our marriage vows to commit such an act. I have too much time left in this world to stick around for someone that would treat me that way. Move on to the next one.

Well if your view is move on to the next one your odds aren't that great anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. Infidelity strikes at the heart of our insecurities (am I good enough? attractive enough? sexual enough?). No matter how wealthy or gorgeous, it can happen to anyone. That is perhaps why posters are so inflamed with the subject. No, I cannot walk in anyone else's shoes but I can still remember how devastated my mother was when she accused my father of cheating, which he had not done on the basis of some circumstantial things that happened and how she put them together.

Look, if you are cheated on and decide to stay in your marriage, who is anyone else to judge?

For me it's not so much about insecurity as it is about respect of one another and our promises to each other when we married. It is, quite literally, breaking our marriage vows to commit such an act. I have too much time left in this world to stick around for someone that would treat me that way. Move on to the next one.

Well if your view is move on to the next one your odds aren't that great anyway.

Like I said, I do not have time to stick around for those that are going to disrespect my relationship and marriage. I bet if someone was emotionally abused your response would not be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. Infidelity strikes at the heart of our insecurities (am I good enough? attractive enough? sexual enough?). No matter how wealthy or gorgeous, it can happen to anyone. That is perhaps why posters are so inflamed with the subject. No, I cannot walk in anyone else's shoes but I can still remember how devastated my mother was when she accused my father of cheating, which he had not done on the basis of some circumstantial things that happened and how she put them together.

Look, if you are cheated on and decide to stay in your marriage, who is anyone else to judge?

For me it's not so much about insecurity as it is about respect of one another and our promises to each other when we married. It is, quite literally, breaking our marriage vows to commit such an act. I have too much time left in this world to stick around for someone that would treat me that way. Move on to the next one.

Well if your view is move on to the next one your odds aren't that great anyway.

Like I said, I do not have time to stick around for those that are going to disrespect my relationship and marriage. I bet if someone was emotionally abused your response would not be the same.

All these words: "abusive" "forgiveness" "respect" -- they're subjective to a point. As a PP said, perhaps your husband was faking it from the word "go" and respect/love was never there, or you had unrealistic expectations about things, or perhaps he did. Monogamy is a fairly new experiment for humanity and it can be rewarding for some, and some people aren't meant for it. Then there is the added pressure of societal expectations and individual perspectives brought to each scenario. So, YOU say, that YOU think it's about respect, then that's what it is for YOU. But how dare you shame me for deciding what it is for ME. I'm going to bet you're one of those that sits in the pew on Sunday singing hallelujah to "judge not lest ye be judged" -never fails that putting that into practice if a hell of a lot harder than one realizes.

[Anonymous]

You live with it, but it never completely goes away. For long periods of time, you can forget, until one day something reminds you. You're watching TV and an actress who looks like the OW comes on. bAM, you need reassurance again. Try to figure out ahead of time what the response will be so it doesn't lead into an argument, but leads to what you really want, to be told you're loved, you're comforted, soothed and reassured. It takes a long time with a very supportive spouse. If your spouse can't or won't commit to be super super super supportive, save yourself the work and just split now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You live with it, but it never completely goes away. For long periods of time, you can forget, until one day something reminds you. You're watching TV and an actress who looks like the OW comes on. bAM, you need reassurance again. Try to figure out ahead of time what the response will be so it doesn't lead into an argument, but leads to what you really want, to be told you're loved, you're comforted, soothed and reassured. It takes a long time with a very supportive spouse. If your spouse can't or won't commit to be super super super supportive, save yourself the work and just split now.

God, your best-case-scenario is so depressing.

Why do you need reassurance? You're so insecure and co-dependent that you need the cheater to tell you that you're okay? Ugh.

Women did not fight for equal rights for decades for this shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is fascinating. Infidelity strikes at the heart of our insecurities (am I good enough? attractive enough? sexual enough?). No matter how wealthy or gorgeous, it can happen to anyone. That is perhaps why posters are so inflamed with the subject. No, I cannot walk in anyone else's shoes but I can still remember how devastated my mother was when she accused my father of cheating, which he had not done on the basis of some circumstantial things that happened and how she put them together.

Look, if you are cheated on and decide to stay in your marriage, who is anyone else to judge?

For me it's not so much about insecurity as it is about respect of one another and our promises to each other when we married. It is, quite literally, breaking our marriage vows to commit such an act. I have too much time left in this world to stick around for someone that would treat me that way. Move on to the next one.

Well if your view is move on to the next one your odds aren't that great anyway.

Like I said, I do not have time to stick around for those that are going to disrespect my relationship and marriage. I bet if someone was emotionally abused your response would not be the same.

All these words: "abusive" "forgiveness" "respect" -- they're subjective to a point. As a PP said, perhaps your husband was faking it from the word "go" and respect/love was never there, or you had unrealistic expectations about things, or perhaps he did. Monogamy is a fairly new experiment for humanity and it can be rewarding for some, and some people aren't meant for it. Then there is the added pressure of societal expectations and individual perspectives brought to each scenario. So, YOU say, that YOU think it's about respect, then that's what it is for YOU. But how dare you shame me for deciding what it is for ME. I'm going to bet you're one of those that sits in the pew on Sunday singing hallelujah to "judge not lest ye be judged" -never fails that puttinog that into practice if a hell of a lot harder than one realizes.

Your analysis is quite interesting. First of all, I said the words, assuming you.are talking about this chain of messages,"infedility for me" all of my responses were in my point of view. What it.means for me. It is interesting you bring up the topic of shaming as your first post was about shaming those that did not have your views by dismissing it as "insecurity". If I was a shrink and not an engineer that doesn't know anything about soft science, I would say you are projecting in your above comment. By all means continue to have your opinion as I certainly will mine.


Nevertheless you are completely wrong about my situation- I have never been cheated on my husband I've been with for 10 years. I am also a humanist.

[Anonymous]

it's always at the back of your mind.