How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got through it, but the nature of my husbands stepping out was a couple of drunk one night stands, not long term and no emotional connection. We ended up treating one another better. It took a long time (years) and he really wanted to make it better. I don't have regrets working it out.

+
A one time deal, as painful as it may be, would be much better than a a drawn out affair.
In the same vein, stranger sex is probably easier to deal with than say online cheating with someone he/she knows even if there is no physical contact.

+1 I feel bad for the PP who said her husband cheated over several years. To lie over that length of time.. Think about what else he could have lied about that is substantial. Think about what he could be lying about right now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been five years since I discovered some texts on DW's phone. To make a long story short, DW had been away for a girl's weekend (which apparently involved getting together with some old guy friends who lived in that city) and when she returned I could tell something was a little off. I snooped and discovered DW and affair partner were texting weekly (sometimes multiple times per day) and planning their next meet up. Difficult because affair partner lived in a different city, but these two put forth quite an effort to plan it.

Rather than confront, I asked if everything was ok and let DW know I felt something was off. I even tried out the old "I know this sounds crazy but are you having an affair"? All I got in return was repeated denials while the communications continued and the day of DW's next visit with affair partner rapidly approached.

The whole thing turned my world upside down. After ten years of marriage it felt like everything about us was invalidated. I walked around stunned for months and there were times where I felt like I had been punched in the gut. The fact that DW could have cut it off after I asked her if anything was wrong told me everything I needed to know about her commitment to our relationship. That's probably what hurt the most -I couldn't rationalize it as a one-time mistake on her part.

I decided not to say anything more and to let DW go through with visit to affair partner (albeit with a private investigator hired to get photos) on the basis that our marriage was over and I at least wanted the leverage that photos would provide. But then I decided that splitting up was not going to be the best thing for our family (three young kids). And I just couldn't get over how super creepy hiring a PI seemed. So I confronted DW a few days before her visit with affair partner.

Fast forward five years and we've stayed together and I suppose moved past it, but I certainly haven't forgiven her nor has she accepted any responsibility. So we continue to stay together for the kids and manage to do it without fighting or creating a negative atmosphere. It actually works well for us. The key for me has been accepting the fact that I don't have the marriage I thought I had and just focusing on the joys that my kids bring me. I did look at my own actions to determine what I had done to bring this situation about. While we certainly had our share of the usual stresses, none of them really seemed to rise to the level where I could see how DW would choose to have an affair.

Finally, I decided that if my wife wasn't committed to being faithful, then I didn't have to be either. But I suppose that's a post for another thread. And for anyone contemplating it, I can tell you that having an affair of your own after being cheated on does absolutely nothing to dull the pain.

Honestly as a child of divorced parents, it would be better to separate and not let your kids think this type of relationship is healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:how long did it take for you to feel okay again if you or your spouse stepped out? Did you go to counseling? If you did, how long did you stay in counseling? Did you stay together or end up splitting? What words of wisdom would you like to tell someone who is going through this and wants to try to stay together? I'm interested in both parties view: the person who stepped out and the innocent spouse.

It took a year before things felt relatively normal. Counseling didn't really help but I felt like I had to do it in case we did split up. DH cheated with co-worker. Said it was a one-time thing and I believe it based on how strange he was acting --it basically came to light immediately after.

[Anonymous]

A very long time. Years. It still bubbles up.

[Anonymous]

You never get over it. Just leave. No use being miserable and having that in the back of your mind for the rest of your marriage.

Life is too short for dealing with people who cheat. Spend that time with someone who truly respects you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A very long time. Years. It still bubbles up.

Thanks for the reply. When you say it bubbles up, how do you mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A very long time. Years. It still bubbles up.

Thanks for the reply. When you say it bubbles up, how do you mean?

I assume you mean that it comes up from time to time?

[Anonymous]

We both cheated and it came out at the same time. Had no kids, professional couple and you would never expect either of us to be the cheating kind, whatever that is.

There were a lot of issues going on, including a death in his family, career frustration on my part, and he was traveling each month. What kept us together were a few things. We have always loved each other and always will. And we are somewhat religious and felt that we had made a commitment that should be honored. No friends of ours or family members ever found out.

After couples therapy, we were able to say, look it happened, it will never go away, but we want to build a life together. We now have a child and our very good at communicating and compromising on differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A very long time. Years. It still bubbles up.

Yes, bubbles up means the feelings generated from that time just appear, flashes back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A very long time. Years. It still bubbles up.

Thanks for the reply. When you say it bubbles up, how do you mean?

I assume you mean that it comes up from time to time?

14:16 poster here to clarify about asking the poster who replied that it 'bubbles up from time to time' for more details.

I am going through this and I wonder if DH will always hold it over my head even after we have supposedly gotten past it. He has a right to be angry but I wonder our marriage can be saved.

So I am wondering how it bubbles up and how it might be different for a DH than a DW? Reading these forums is actually really helpful and I appreciate the insight

[Anonymous]

It bubbles up because there are triggers. As much as a person can want to move forward, there will be the tiniest things sometimes that call up something related to the circumstances and negative feelings about the affair. And even if the relationship is now positive, and everyone is trying, those crushing emotions can swamp the cheated-on person at the oddest moments when something triggers them. And if you're the cheater, you have to be prepared to understand that and work through it with your partner. It's not about anyone holding over your head. It's like grief. You can be fine, but then you see some object that reminds you of the loss, and BAM the grief hits again. When that's coupled with the loss of trust, it takes a long time to get through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It bubbles up because there are triggers. As much as a person can want to move forward, there will be the tiniest things sometimes that call up something related to the circumstances and negative feelings about the affair. And even if the relationship is now positive, and everyone is trying, those crushing emotions can swamp the cheated-on person at the oddest moments when something triggers them. And if you're the cheater, you have to be prepared to understand that and work through it with your partner. It's not about anyone holding over your head. It's like grief. You can be fine, but then you see some object that reminds you of the loss, and BAM the grief hits again. When that's coupled with the loss of trust, it takes a long time to get through.

Ditto. There's pain over the betrayal and anger that the pain was caused by the cheating spouse's actions. The gift that keeps on giving.

[Anonymous]

I've been trying to decide what makes my marriage's recovery different from the PPs who state "just leave, it's not worth it" or the people that while they "happily left" still sound so very bitter than I feel (and trust me people I could be bitter) and I think a big part of it is how we deal with this "bubbling."

I'll start by saying that DH is highly remorseful, and really worked on his SH--. I know not everyone is given that, and if he hadn't been remorseful I'm not sure how I'd feel. I think it really matters to acknowledge that it doesn't ever go away, and have a plan of how to work through it when it does bubble - but I don't hold it over his head like an anvil waiting to drop either. That's not to say it doesn't come up (particularly after a couple glasses of wine and we're discussing his mother but when it comes up it's more - I don't know...humorous? Maybe that's just my personality though. Never been a grudge holder. But it also comes up in our discussions about how to best parent our kids - and I swear to you I'm so much more interested in raising happy, honest humans than I am successful doctors or lawyers than I was before this all happened. Undeniably we are both going to be better parents because of this.

But back to the bubbling: I might need reassurance on occasion and he might need to give it. He might need to apologize one more time, but more often than not, he apologizes one more time, without me forcing it. I have to apologize too, for things I could have done better and still need to do better to this day. We're quite an apologetic, but happy family. We've all gotten pretty damn good at apologizing!

Also, I see her - mmmmm - 3-4 times a week! That's right! For those of you that say you "could never tolerate that" you're right, at first I couldn't - I would have rather walked through fire than make nice with her in the situation were in, but, slowly it became incredibly cathartic - first to ignore her - and then, to just not care. You guys, one day I stopped giving a shit. That was a fabulous day, it truly was. And now, she's not insignificant to me, she's no more significant than anyone else and that is a wonderful feeling.

That's what I feel when I look back on this whole thing - it forced me out of this fairy tale idea I had about the way the world worked and made me see people for the first time, Not just D! but everyone, and I like it a lot better over here - where people are flawed but they can get better, and so can I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been trying to decide what makes my marriage's recovery different from the PPs who state "just leave, it's not worth it" or the people that while they "happily left" still sound so very bitter than I feel (and trust me people I could be bitter) and I think a big part of it is how we deal with this "bubbling."

I'll start by saying that DH is highly remorseful, and really worked on his SH--. I know not everyone is given that, and if he hadn't been remorseful I'm not sure how I'd feel. I think it really matters to acknowledge that it doesn't ever go away, and have a plan of how to work through it when it does bubble - but I don't hold it over his head like an anvil waiting to drop either. That's not to say it doesn't come up (particularly after a couple glasses of wine and we're discussing his mother but when it comes up it's more - I don't know...humorous? Maybe that's just my personality though. Never been a grudge holder. But it also comes up in our discussions about how to best parent our kids - and I swear to you I'm so much more interested in raising happy, honest humans than I am successful doctors or lawyers than I was before this all happened. Undeniably we are both going to be better parents because of this.

But back to the bubbling: I might need reassurance on occasion and he might need to give it. He might need to apologize one more time, but more often than not, he apologizes one more time, without me forcing it. I have to apologize too, for things I could have done better and still need to do better to this day. We're quite an apologetic, but happy family. We've all gotten pretty damn good at apologizing!

Also, I see her - mmmmm - 3-4 times a week! That's right! For those of you that say you "could never tolerate that" you're right, at first I couldn't - I would have rather walked through fire than make nice with her in the situation were in, but, slowly it became incredibly cathartic - first to ignore her - and then, to just not care. You guys, one day I stopped giving a shit. That was a fabulous day, it truly was. And now, she's not insignificant to me, she's no more significant than anyone else and that is a wonderful feeling.

That's what I feel when I look back on this whole thing - it forced me out of this fairy tale idea I had about the way the world worked and made me see people for the first time, Not just D! but everyone, and I like it a lot better over here - where people are flawed but they can get better, and so can I.

Pp, you are an awesome individual. You recognize that life is a bunch of shades of grey, that people are human, that we can knock each other down and pull each other back up. Your life has become incredibly honest and you have allowed yourself to feel things deeply. So many people do not let themselves go there...it is too scary. You are a really lucky person to really wake up to life. My best to you, from one DW to another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been trying to decide what makes my marriage's recovery different from the PPs who state "just leave, it's not worth it" or the people that while they "happily left" still sound so very bitter than I feel (and trust me people I could be bitter) and I think a big part of it is how we deal with this "bubbling."

I'll start by saying that DH is highly remorseful, and really worked on his SH--. I know not everyone is given that, and if he hadn't been remorseful I'm not sure how I'd feel. I think it really matters to acknowledge that it doesn't ever go away, and have a plan of how to work through it when it does bubble - but I don't hold it over his head like an anvil waiting to drop either. That's not to say it doesn't come up (particularly after a couple glasses of wine and we're discussing his mother but when it comes up it's more - I don't know...humorous? Maybe that's just my personality though. Never been a grudge holder. But it also comes up in our discussions about how to best parent our kids - and I swear to you I'm so much more interested in raising happy, honest humans than I am successful doctors or lawyers than I was before this all happened. Undeniably we are both going to be better parents because of this.

But back to the bubbling: I might need reassurance on occasion and he might need to give it. He might need to apologize one more time, but more often than not, he apologizes one more time, without me forcing it. I have to apologize too, for things I could have done better and still need to do better to this day. We're quite an apologetic, but happy family. We've all gotten pretty damn good at apologizing!

Also, I see her - mmmmm - 3-4 times a week! That's right! For those of you that say you "could never tolerate that" you're right, at first I couldn't - I would have rather walked through fire than make nice with her in the situation were in, but, slowly it became incredibly cathartic - first to ignore her - and then, to just not care. You guys, one day I stopped giving a shit. That was a fabulous day, it truly was. And now, she's not insignificant to me, she's no more significant than anyone else and that is a wonderful feeling.

That's what I feel when I look back on this whole thing - it forced me out of this fairy tale idea I had about the way the world worked and made me see people for the first time, Not just D! but everyone, and I like it a lot better over here - where people are flawed but they can get better, and so can I.

Pp, you are an awesome individual. You recognize that life is a bunch of shades of grey, that people are human, that we can knock each other down and pull each other back up. Your life has become incredibly honest and you have allowed yourself to feel things deeply. So many people do not let themselves go there...it is too scary. You are a really lucky person to really wake up to life. My best to you, from one DW to another.

I agree. She's impressive.