Reply to How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

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[quote=Anonymous]My DH cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend 15 years ago before we were married.  I didn't find out about for a couple of years.  He was extremely remorseful and he is a good person.  Obviously, I went on to marry him so I forgave him and love him.

But - it is not the same.  The fact that I found out after the fact made me feel kind of cheated again, this time from being able to react in real time.  I am certain we would have broken up if I had found out at the time he did it, but in the intervening years, he was really great and by the time I found out, he felt completely awful.  So it was like I was mad at a memory, if that makes sense. Mad at the person he no longer was.  Something changed forever in me and my view if him.  I am not the same idealistic person and am much more pessimistic than I was because I truly believed he was the one guy who would never cheat and it really damaged my ability to trust my own judgment.  I also took him off a pedestal and just have less intense feelings for him overall probably as a defense mechanism. That still hasnt changed.

It took maybe a couple of years to wonder where he was if he didn't respond to my calls quickly.  I'm over that and I'm not suspicious of him.

I do wonder if it would have been better if I had known at the time it had happened and we had broken up.  I feel like it would have been better and we probably would have reunited anyway, but after I was able to sort things out in real time.[/quote]

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