How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

NP. Thank you for posting this. My husband and I are in counseling (individual and couples) to see if we can continue our marriage after discovery of infidelity that went on for many years. We also have a young child. It is good to hear a story that provides some hope that it may be possible.

Unfortunately, there aren't many stories out there. Not even our marriage counselor thought we'd make it. Now she's encouraged us to write a book. Our story was worse than most, given the length of the affair, the fact that I discovered it on my own (he didn't come clean until he had no choice), and the depth of the deception. When the wounds were fresh, I looked everywhere for success stories but found few. SurvivingInfidelity.com was helpful initially. Everyone thought I was crazy to stay. I lost friends who just couldn't understand my decision and the judgement of others was palpable. There were many factors working against us, but some critical ones in our favor: He never loved his affair partner, it was purely physical; he was remorseful and committed to going the distance to save our marriage; and he broke off all contact with her immediately. We'd known each other for decades and grew up together, for better or for worse. And when the dust settled, we discovered how much we meant to one another. People who tell you that staying is weak have no idea how much courage it takes to rebuild a broken marriage. In our case, it was worth it. I wish you the best.

NP here. You mentioned that you planned on leaving and that in therapy really figured out what you need in a partner and what you need for yourself. Do you think if your initial was to stay and work things out that you would have gotten as far? On some level do you think both people have to recommit to making that choice to be married and be afraid they will lose the other person if they don't get it togther? Almost like knowing what you know now, pretend there isn't the financial aspect and the kid aspect, would you truly still marry the other person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

This is amazing and honest.

I too could have written this, my DH cheated 3 years ago and what others say, about when it feels "normal" again is true, it never does. But my husband and I love each other and we love our children and with the right therapist, the open honesty of both partners, and the commitment and willingness to move forward, I too am far happier than I was. I think when people marry they expect a fairy tale, I know I did, and that's why so many marriages end in divorce or worse, just exist unhappily. This process forced us to take a look and do some analysis we never would have otherwise. Now, don't get me wrong, the first 3-6 months it was hellish, as you know - and the nature of this trauma you're living is even more difficult because it's not like you can talk to most people... No one starts "dinner sign-ups" for the woman who just walked in on her husband and one of her best friends at the family beach getaway (yup!) But feel so comfortable in my own skin, and in this marriage, three years later, and I can't imagine it being a different way. It's made us both better parents that's for sure and I'm truly, honestly glad we worked it out. I was unlucky to be cheated on but so lucky that I got to evolve and watch my partner evolve into a more self-aware, open, happy human being.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

NP. Thank you for posting this. My husband and I are in counseling (individual and couples) to see if we can continue our marriage after discovery of infidelity that went on for many years. We also have a young child. It is good to hear a story that provides some hope that it may be possible.

Unfortunately, there aren't many stories out there. Not even our marriage counselor thought we'd make it. Now she's encouraged us to write a book. Our story was worse than most, given the length of the affair, the fact that I discovered it on my own (he didn't come clean until he had no choice), and the depth of the deception. When the wounds were fresh, I looked everywhere for success stories but found few. SurvivingInfidelity.com was helpful initially. Everyone thought I was crazy to stay. I lost friends who just couldn't understand my decision and the judgement of others was palpable. There were many factors working against us, but some critical ones in our favor: He never loved his affair partner, it was purely physical; he was remorseful and committed to going the distance to save our marriage; and he broke off all contact with her immediately. We'd known each other for decades and grew up together, for better or for worse. And when the dust settled, we discovered how much we meant to one another. People who tell you that staying is weak have no idea how much courage it takes to rebuild a broken marriage. In our case, it was worth it. I wish you the best.

NP here. You mentioned that you planned on leaving and that in therapy really figured out what you need in a partner and what you need for yourself. Do you think if your initial was to stay and work things out that you would have gotten as far? On some level do you think both people have to recommit to making that choice to be married and be afraid they will lose the other person if they don't get it togther? Almost like knowing what you know now, pretend there isn't the financial aspect and the kid aspect, would you truly still marry the other person?

Not the pp here, I'm the "friend at the beach" lady but I'd like to stab at this and say, it's not a fair question. The man my husband is today is not the one that cheated. Does this make sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

NP. Thank you for posting this. My husband and I are in counseling (individual and couples) to see if we can continue our marriage after discovery of infidelity that went on for many years. We also have a young child. It is good to hear a story that provides some hope that it may be possible.

Unfortunately, there aren't many stories out there. Not even our marriage counselor thought we'd make it. Now she's encouraged us to write a book. Our story was worse than most, given the length of the affair, the fact that I discovered it on my own (he didn't come clean until he had no choice), and the depth of the deception. When the wounds were fresh, I looked everywhere for success stories but found few. SurvivingInfidelity.com was helpful initially. Everyone thought I was crazy to stay. I lost friends who just couldn't understand my decision and the judgement of others was palpable. There were many factors working against us, but some critical ones in our favor: He never loved his affair partner, it was purely physical; he was remorseful and committed to going the distance to save our marriage; and he broke off all contact with her immediately. We'd known each other for decades and grew up together, for better or for worse. And when the dust settled, we discovered how much we meant to one another. People who tell you that staying is weak have no idea how much courage it takes to rebuild a broken marriage. In our case, it was worth it. I wish you the best.

NP here. You mentioned that you planned on leaving and that in therapy really figured out what you need in a partner and what you need for yourself. Do you think if your initial was to stay and work things out that you would have gotten as far? On some level do you think both people have to recommit to making that choice to be married and be afraid they will lose the other person if they don't get it togther? Almost like knowing what you know now, pretend there isn't the financial aspect and the kid aspect, would you truly still marry the other person?

Good question. If we hadn't had a child together, I wouldn't have tried to save the marriage. It was too broken. I went to therapy initially to learn how to co-parent without destroying our child. My anger and hurt was so violent, I was afraid of infecting our child with that venom and alienating her from her father. DD wanted to save our marriage and family from the beginning. We got a lot of therapy and in time, I learned what I needed. I also learned more about my husband, whom I'd known for decades. Equally important, my husband learned things about himself he'd never faced before. DH never pressured me to make a decision. I knew where he stood on the issue. The focus was on my own healing at first, and the answers I needed from him. The rebuilding came later. So no, I would not have stayed were it not for our daughter. But I am so grateful that I did. I have never been so happy, despite this pain, and we are happy as a family.

I cannot stress this enough for those in the thick of things: Take time to make a decision. If you are hurting, you are not in control of your emotions right now. Staying is hard. Leaving is hard. Heal yourself first, and then decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

NP. Thank you for posting this. My husband and I are in counseling (individual and couples) to see if we can continue our marriage after discovery of infidelity that went on for many years. We also have a young child. It is good to hear a story that provides some hope that it may

Unfortunately, there aren't many stories out there. Not even our marriage counselor thought we'd make it. Now she's encouraged us to write a book. Our story was worse than most, given the length of the affair, the fact that I discovered it on my own (he didn't come clean until he had no choice), and the depth of the deception. When the wounds were fresh, I looked everywhere for success stories but found few. SurvivingInfidelity.com was helpful initially. Everyone thought I was crazy to stay. I lost friends who just couldn't understand my decision and the judgement of others was palpable. There were many factors working against us, but some critical ones in our favor: He never loved his affair partner, it was purely physical; he was remorseful and committed to going the distance to save our marriage; and he broke off all contact with her immediately. We'd known each other for decades and grew up together, for better or for worse. And when the dust settled, we discovered how much we meant to one another. People who tell you that staying is weak have no idea how much courage it takes to rebuild a broken marriage. In our case, it was worth it. I wish you the best.

NP here. You mentioned that you planned on leaving and that in therapy really figured out what you need in a partner and what you need for yourself. Do you think if your initial was to stay and work things out that you would have gotten as far? On some level do you think both people have to recommit to making that choice to be married and be afraid they will lose the other person if they don't get it togther? Almost like knowing what you know now, pretend there isn't the financial aspect and the kid aspect, would you truly still marry the other person?

Good question. If we hadn't had a child together, I wouldn't have tried to save the marriage. It was too broken. I went to therapy initially to learn how to co-parent without destroying our child. My anger and hurt was so violent, I was afraid of infecting our child with that venom and alienating her from her father. DD wanted to save our marriage and family from the beginning. We got a lot of therapy and in time, I learned what I needed. I also learned more about my husband, whom I'd known for decades. Equally important, my husband learned things about himself he'd never faced before. DH never pressured me to make a decision. I knew where he stood on the issue. The focus was on my own healing at first, and the answers I needed from him. The rebuilding came later. So no, I would not have stayed were it not for our daughter. But I am so grateful that I did. I have never been so happy, despite this pain, and we are happy as a family.

I cannot stress this enough for those in the thick of things: Take time to make a decision. If you are hurting, you are not in control of your emotions right now. Staying is hard. Leaving is hard. Heal yourself first, and then decide.

You should write a book pp, this is excellent advice.

-signed "been there"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is filling an emotional void my ass. Men cheat because they like down and dirty sex with women that will do it because well, they're nasty.

Like the office skank named door knob.

Many women stay because it's too hard to go it alone.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair that lasted for several years. I was devastated but agreed to counseling for the sake of our young child. I planned on leaving but ended up staying. I realized in therapy that our marriage was broken long before the infidelity. It's been two years of intensive therapy (individual and couples) and three years since discovery and there were times I didn't think we'd make it. The betrayal was too overwhelming and the wounds too deep. In my experience, the pain never truly heals, but gradually that makes way for new emotions. DH was remorseful and committed to repairing the damage he'd done. Therapy required him to look at his life and decisions critically for the first time, and he's become a different person than he was before. I've also owned my part in our mutual struggle to communicate our needs and honor each other's needs too. I've had time to think about what I want and need in a partner, and what I need for myself. We both know that staying together is a choice we make every day and we take nothing for granted. As a result, we've become a different couple. I'm happier than I've ever been and we are much closer as a family. You can survive this if both parties are committed and willing to go the distance. Remember when soliciting advice that you will get lots of opinions, but no one knows how they will react when pushed to this extreme. No one. And only you knows what is in your heart. Good luck to you.

NP. Thank you for posting this. My husband and I are in counseling (individual and couples) to see if we can continue our marriage after discovery of infidelity that went on for many years. We also have a young child. It is good to hear a story that provides some hope that it may be possible.

Unfortunately, there aren't many stories out there. Not even our marriage counselor thought we'd make it. Now she's encouraged us to write a book. Our story was worse than most, given the length of the affair, the fact that I discovered it on my own (he didn't come clean until he had no choice), and the depth of the deception. When the wounds were fresh, I looked everywhere for success stories but found few. SurvivingInfidelity.com was helpful initially. Everyone thought I was crazy to stay. I lost friends who just couldn't understand my decision and the judgement of others was palpable. There were many factors working against us, but some critical ones in our favor: He never loved his affair partner, it was purely physical; he was remorseful and committed to going the distance to save our marriage; and he broke off all contact with her immediately. We'd known each other for decades and grew up together, for better or for worse. And when the dust settled, we discovered how much we meant to one another. People who tell you that staying is weak have no idea how much courage it takes to rebuild a broken marriage. In our case, it was worth it. I wish you the best.

Very touching and I agree with you.
I hate generalizations that people who have affairs are evil. I am sure some or perhaps many are.
But I am pretty sure that many good people end up in an affair to fill a void in their hearts and are as surprised at the affair as anyone else. They never think anyone would get hut until the affair becomes known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is filling an emotional void my ass. Men cheat because they like down and dirty sex with women that will do it because well, they're nasty.

Like the office skank named door knob.

Many women stay because it's too hard to go it alone.

Actually, no, men cheat to get validation . Mostly they get to that point once they feel resentful. Cowards cheat to get their needs met outside their relationship because they don't have the courage to leave.

Its like talking about someone behind their back rather that to them directly. Its a tactic of cowards.

[Anonymous]

Once that beautiful and lovely sacred bond has been severed OP, unfortunately it cannot be sealed back up.

It can be tied back together, perhaps stapled, glued, whatever, but those are just "quick fixes" per say. Band Aids.

The bond is broken for good and it will never ever go back to what it was before. So if you want to stay in the relationship, you will have to fully accept that you are going to live the rest of your life dealing with way less than what you deserve and much less than what you originally bargained for.

Some people can accept this, others cannot.

I for one cannot accept it, my view is that I only have one shot at life and this is it. Do or die.

I want this life to matter...to count.

I believe life is to be celebrated and not simply endured.

So I could never accept less than what I believe I am worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once that beautiful and lovely sacred bond has been severed OP, unfortunately it cannot be sealed back up.

It can be tied back together, perhaps stapled, glued, whatever, but those are just "quick fixes" per say. Band Aids.

The bond is broken for good and it will never ever go back to what it was before. So if you want to stay in the relationship, you will have to fully accept that you are going to live the rest of your life dealing with way less than what you deserve and much less than what you originally bargained for.

Some people can accept this, others cannot.

I for one cannot accept it, my view is that I only have one shot at life and this is it. Do or die.

I want this life to matter...to count.

I believe life is to be celebrated and not simply endured.

So I could never accept less than what I believe I am worth.

Feel good about yourself, now? OP, you need advice from people who have been through this. Not people who imagine what they would do or feel. This is a strong sentiment, but completely hypothetical and useless. You will find lots of people who share PP's opinion here. Seek advice from those with skin in the game.

[Anonymous]

My marriage did not survive the affair because I could not accept the lies and betrayal of trust. Once that trust is broken, I question every motive, every action. I could not trust him to be a full partner in my family business. There was too much to lose and too much at stake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once that beautiful and lovely sacred bond has been severed OP, unfortunately it cannot be sealed back up.

It can be tied back together, perhaps stapled, glued, whatever, but those are just "quick fixes" per say. Band Aids.

The bond is broken for good and it will never ever go back to what it was before. So if you want to stay in the relationship, you will have to fully accept that you are going to live the rest of your life dealing with way less than what you deserve and much less than what you originally bargained for.

Some people can accept this, others cannot.

I for one cannot accept it, my view is that I only have one shot at life and this is it. Do or die.

I want this life to matter...to count.

I believe life is to be celebrated and not simply endured.

So I could never accept less than what I believe I am worth.

Feel good about yourself, now? OP, you need advice from people who have been through this. Not people who imagine what they would do or feel. This is a strong sentiment, but completely hypothetical and useless. You will find lots of people who share PP's opinion here. Seek advice from those with skin in the game.

Not the PP to whom you refer, but a victim of a cheater, so I had "skin in the game". Must say I agree with the statement above about broken bond never fixed, restored or able to go back to what was before. . When confronted with cheating by my spouse, I decided I wanted to be in a relationship where the other person treated me with the dignity and respect I deserved. I also wanted to be sure to model that for my own daughter, lest she grow up thinking that she was not entitled to such respect.

[Anonymous]

OP - this really is a very personal matter of perspective for everyone. The concept of "forgiveness" is a very fuzzy one for me, and I have come to the conclusion it isn't entirely necessary to move forward. But I can tell you, there's a certain strength and catharsis from accepting the fact that the people around you, the people you love, can be fallible and complicated, and that they can make mistakes. Once I worked through the pain and the hurt, I was able to take a deep breath and see myself for the first time - also fallible, imperfect and needing of forgiveness.

I can't tell you how much more accepting and loving and generally understanding and connected I am to other people having lived through this. I feel guilty almost, that I kept my personal situation quite private because others won't know how common this is, and how it truly can make your partnership stronger and happier.

It might sound trite and as PP said, there will always be those who label you as "weak" but this experience has actually ratified all of the reasons I wanted to marry this man in the first place - and why I WANT to stay married to him. If you can't find the answers to those questions, perhaps you should move on - but look hard first, and give him the chance to grow.

Best to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't speak from my own experience but my BFF's husband cheated a few years ago. They worked it out. Then he cheated again about a year later, with someone different. They worked it out once again. Then recently she found racy text messages between him and yet another woman. She continues to work things out but doesn't trust him one bit. She's constantly holding it all over his head. I really don't know what the point is as they don't even have kids. Some guys just aren't faithful. Not sure if that's the case with your husband, OP.

Your friend has no self esteem.

I agree. She's delusional.

Yeah, I gave up a while ago trying to advise her to leave the marriage. I just support and listen to her now. She says she's going to just have to turn a blind eye, in her words, except she doesn't really turn the eye and instead berates him for a few hours and the next they're "fine" as if it never happened. Until it happens again of course. Sad life for a 29 year old but what are you going to do.

This is my mom to a T. My dad cheats all the time. She gets pissed at him and puts him in the dog house for about a month. After a bunch of begging and pleading she always takes him back. And likes to proclaim she is so in love with him and he's so great until he gets caught again. It's to the point that I tell her I don't want to hear about it or care. She knows who he is. Men like this never change.

[Anonymous]

It's been three years. I do not feel "normal." I feel strung out and emotional. I'm trying to make it work. It doesn't look good.