Conflict around family size

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - it's more accurate to say that DH is the one who hoped I would change my mind. I was clear before marriage that I wanted at least two children. He was a maybe. I made it clear to him that I would not marry him if he only wanted one. I would have rather co-parented separately than committed myself to him and a small family.

My husband didn't seem enthusiastic about another child either...I told him I absolutely wanted another. I was in my 20's. We now have four and he loves them to pieces. He actually wanted more kids after the second one was born. Kid # 3 was born 19 months later. GO FOR IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - it's more accurate to say that DH is the one who hoped I would change my mind. I was clear before marriage that I wanted at least two children. He was a maybe. I made it clear to him that I would not marry him if he only wanted one. I would have rather co-parented separately than committed myself to him and a small family.

So you guys intentionally got pregnant and then you tell him that you didn't want to marry him unless he gave you more than one child. Why didn't you discuss that with him before you got pregnant. It was a pretty crappy thing to do to get pregnant and then tell him the only way you would marry him is if he gave you more than one baby. He would have looked like a complete ass if he chose not to marry you after you were already pregnant. It sounds like up until now it's been your way or the highway and when he is actually putting his foot down and saying he doesn't want something you are threatening to divorce him?!?!? What about the kid you already have? My parents divorced because my dad was a drunk. If my mom ever told me she broke up the family because he wouldn't give her another kid I think I'd be pretty upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - it's more accurate to say that DH is the one who hoped I would change my mind. I was clear before marriage that I wanted at least two children. He was a maybe. I made it clear to him that I would not marry him if he only wanted one. I would have rather co-parented separately than committed myself to him and a small family.

Why do you want two children?

Because the all the crazy can't fit in one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - it's more accurate to say that DH is the one who hoped I would change my mind. I was clear before marriage that I wanted at least two children. He was a maybe. I made it clear to him that I would not marry him if he only wanted one. I would have rather co-parented separately than committed myself to him and a small family.

My husband didn't seem enthusiastic about another child either...I told him I absolutely wanted another. I was in my 20's. We now have four and he loves them to pieces. He actually wanted more kids after the second one was born. Kid # 3 was born 19 months later. GO FOR IT.

Yeah, bring a child into the world who is not wanted by the husband. Sound thinking.

[Anonymous]

Yes - looking back, we should have had a far more explicit conversation about number of children before deciding to conceive. But neither us of expected that I would get pregnant so easily (because of age) - but I did the first month. But given how clear I was about how having children very early in dating, it didn't occur to me that I needed to specify. Like, clear on the first date clear.

And the decision to have one was almost comically easy. It wasn't as if I had to "negotiate" that one. In fact, I knew that I didn't want to be in that position in a relationship - convincing someone who didn't want to have kids to have them.

AND - he balked at more even before we had ONE, but while I was pregnant! And it was an easy pregnancy.

So - yes - I was conflicted about getting married. But about bigger issues as well. Going back to my original post - it was how he dealt with the topic of number of children as much as the wishy washy message.

[Anonymous]

How did he deal with the topic exactly? You never say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ I really don't understand this bitterness. Yes, your husband changed his stance, but maybe having the first was harder than he anticipated. Do you really want to have a kid with someone who does not want to be a parent? Do you think your life will be better as a divorced, single parent? Sometimes, you need to grateful for what you have and maximize that experience instead spending so much of your energy thinking of what could have been.

You don't understand it because perhaps your dreams haven't been abruptly shattered by someone who is supposed to make you happy, and promised you he wanted the same things. Yes, go ahead and betray your husband and then tell him to suck it up and be grateful to even be married. That's an awesome recipe. I am grateful for my healthy son but I am not grateful to my husband. If he told me before marriage he only wanted one and done, I would not have married him. He is flushing my last fertile years down the toilet and you are telling me I have to suck it up and be grateful he even exists. Forgive me if this doesn't appeal.

And yes, actually, if we had a second child together and got divorced, it wouldn't be so bad. I'd have my children. Husbands come and go. Kids are forever.

So "accidentally" get pregnant. Is that an option?

[Anonymous]

I hope the husband gets custody of the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ I really don't understand this bitterness. Yes, your husband changed his stance, but maybe having the first was harder than he anticipated. Do you really want to have a kid with someone who does not want to be a parent? Do you think your life will be better as a divorced, single parent? Sometimes, you need to grateful for what you have and maximize that experience instead spending so much of your energy thinking of what could have been.

You don't understand it because perhaps your dreams haven't been abruptly shattered by someone who is supposed to make you happy, and promised you he wanted the same things. Yes, go ahead and betray your husband and then tell him to suck it up and be grateful to even be married. That's an awesome recipe. I am grateful for my healthy son but I am not grateful to my husband. If he told me before marriage he only wanted one and done, I would not have married him. He is flushing my last fertile years down the toilet and you are telling me I have to suck it up and be grateful he even exists. Forgive me if this doesn't appeal.

And yes, actually, if we had a second child together and got divorced, it wouldn't be so bad. I'd have my children. Husbands come and go. Kids are forever.

So "accidentally" get pregnant. Is that an option?

Sadly, no. Need fertility assistance - male factor. So you see, consent is necessary..

[Anonymous]

We had conflict over family size: he wanted 2, I wanted 3, as it turned out, we couldn't conceive, so we have zero. Sometimes your family turns out to look a lot different than when you imagined long ago. It doesn't mean there's not pain or sadness at letting go of a dream that will never come into fruition, but it does take time to get settled with reality. You can't force him to have another kid, so you have to ask yourself if this is the thing that's going to Break apart your family, or if you need to look at your vision of family differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people that are posting that he is too old are disregarding the fact that he was 46 or 47 when DC1 was born. He clearly doesn't have a problem being an older dad, so it seems like he should have other reasons for not wanting to consider it. I would understand not wanting to start down the road in your late 40s, but once you're gone, age wouldn't stop you from considering one more if you're able. The DH may have 50 other reasons, but I don't think age is very valid in this case.

Who are you to judge whether his reason is "valid?" He doesn't want another child. This is about bringing another human being into the world and is one of those situations where a "no" trumps. There is no compromise and there is no dismissing or judging someone for their reasons for not wanting one. He doesn't need to provide a whole host of reasons.

She is his wife, and his decision to have or not to have another child is a major factor in shaping the rest of their life. Of course she has every right to judge him, and ask for every single reason he has about it. It's not right to make a decision that affects both people unilaterally, impose it on another person, and then be a dick about it. I mean, people do it every day, but let's not pretend it is without consequences to the relationship.

What you, and the OP miss is how this impacts the second child if conceived after relentless nagging by the mother. A child that the father never wanted. Sounds awesome. SOunds like you and the OP are very selfish. No thought whatsoever to the unborn child who might have a dad who never wanted him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - it's more accurate to say that DH is the one who hoped I would change my mind. I was clear before marriage that I wanted at least two children. He was a maybe. I made it clear to him that I would not marry him if he only wanted one. I would have rather co-parented separately than committed myself to him and a small family.

My husband didn't seem enthusiastic about another child either...I told him I absolutely wanted another. I was in my 20's. We now have four and he loves them to pieces. He actually wanted more kids after the second one was born. Kid # 3 was born 19 months later. GO FOR IT.

Yeah, bring a child into the world who is not wanted by the husband. Sound thinking.

Selfish thinking. People like this should be sterilized. Or at least blessed with infertility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "NO" always wins.

OP, since you are the one who is always bringing this up, you are the problem. stop.

Your one child should not have to grow up in a divorced home because you want what you want.

If it's OK for the husband to revoke his commitment to more than one child, it should be OK for the wife to revoke her commitment to marriage. I am not saying she SHOULD do this. I am saying it's not impossible, unreasonable or even unexpected to grow to hate the spouse who is forcing you into the image of the family they now decided they want - after promising you something entirely different. You're saying that the only reasonable way out is for the wife to shut up and get over it, and that's just not true. True, you can't force someone to have another child. Equally, you cannot force someone into continued love and respect of someone who betrayed a vision the wife thought they shared.

Good lord. You act like there is no one on earth whose perceptions differed from reality. I tis not an active betrayal like sleeping with someone else or having a double life. It's called change.

Many people, myself included, always thought they would have a big family Then they had one kid and the reality was far different. Yes, my husband wanted more than one child. But childbirth and pregnancy and the first year were horrible and I didn't want another one. My husband was understandably upset for awhile, but then he moved on because he valued what he ACTUALLY had more than some dream.

So the options for OP are 1. Browbeat her husband into having a kid he doesn't want and will regret
2. Browbeat her husband into having a kid he MAY not regret
3. Get out of her marriage because she can't get over her resentment
4. Or deal with it and move on.

I know what I would go with. And saying her husband is a manchild at 50 because he doesn't want to start over again as a parent? Wow. It seems like she has her own set of unrealistic perceptions she has to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - it's more accurate to say that DH is the one who hoped I would change my mind. I was clear before marriage that I wanted at least two children. He was a maybe. I made it clear to him that I would not marry him if he only wanted one. I would have rather co-parented separately than committed myself to him and a small family.

So you guys intentionally got pregnant and then you tell him that you didn't want to marry him unless he gave you more than one child. Why didn't you discuss that with him before you got pregnant. It was a pretty crappy thing to do to get pregnant and then tell him the only way you would marry him is if he gave you more than one baby. He would have looked like a complete ass if he chose not to marry you after you were already pregnant. It sounds like up until now it's been your way or the highway and when he is actually putting his foot down and saying he doesn't want something you are threatening to divorce him?!?!? What about the kid you already have? My parents divorced because my dad was a drunk. If my mom ever told me she broke up the family because he wouldn't give her another kid I think I'd be pretty upset.

I generally don't like posts that are like, "what the hell were you thinking?" but this is pretty spot on. By the time you had the discussion, you had already intentionally conceived a child, and he didn't really have the option to say no. You were already carrying your kid. Intentionally getting pregnant and then saying, "BTW I will not marry you - and you will not have daily access to your child -- unless you agree to have more kids" doesn't put him in a meaningful position to agree that he does want more kids. If I were him, I would have done the exact same thing - married you, hoped I changed my mind, and then just dealt with the fallout if I didn't. At least he's now had a chance to be part of his kid's everyday life.

[Anonymous]

I think it is ridiculous to agree on the number of kids you are going to have before you even have kids. Talk about it - sure. Discuss what you THINK you want.

You have no idea what kind of parent you or your spouse will be. You have no idea how your life circumstances might change - for the better or worse. You have no idea how you will feel about being a parent until you are one. You have no idea what kind of needs or extra time and resources your child will require. You have no idea how your financial situation might change.

So to make some hard and fast 'rule' as though it is some kind of contract before hand is ridiculous. It isn't moral failure or lack of integrity or character to decide after living the reality of child that you now feel differently. Maybe you thought you only wanted one, but now want 2 or 3. Maybe you thought you wanted six but realize that 2 is what is best for you. Maybe you thought you wanted 3 but you haven't been able to conceive easily and the one you have it.

Life changes. Holding grudges and resentment over this will ruin your marriage.