Conflict around family size

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not opposed to divorce, but I think it is interesting how you can't stand you have your dream of another child shattered, but you are fine with shattering your child's dream (assuming most kids value this as long as the marriage is decent) of having both mother and father together. Why does your dream win?

OP here - Isn't the question - why does DH's dream win? And his position isn't exactly a compromise - he's getting "his way". Hence the real conflict. If it were so easy (I'm a selfish hag with psychological issues because I want to procreate with my husband again!), then there likely wouldn't be pages of mostly thoughtful comments on this thread.

You really don't get how a marriage is supposed to work, do you? It's not supposed to be a zero sum game. You are dooming yourself to repeat your parents mistakes by ending up divorced yourself. You are your own worst enemy.

OP here - my parents aren't divorced. They are celebrating 44 years together this year - a second marriage for both. I come from a large "blended family" - my parents decided to have two children together and each brought 2 children to the marriage. So my husband had a heads up about what I consider a large family to be. He should happy I *only* want two!

Again. Different poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But you still don't seem to get it!

Sure, she doesn't agree with you, therefore she "doesn't get it" and is in some way irrational. Nice that you appointed yourself an arbiter of rational thought.

She views everything as black or white - either she gets her way or he gets his. I do not view this as a healthy way to approach a marriage, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ I really don't understand this bitterness. Yes, your husband changed his stance, but maybe having the first was harder than he anticipated. Do you really want to have a kid with someone who does not want to be a parent? Do you think your life will be better as a divorced, single parent? Sometimes, you need to grateful for what you have and maximize that experience instead spending so much of your energy thinking of what could have been.

You don't understand it because perhaps your dreams haven't been abruptly shattered by someone who is supposed to make you happy, and promised you he wanted the same things. Yes, go ahead and betray your husband and then tell him to suck it up and be grateful to even be married. That's an awesome recipe. I am grateful for my healthy son but I am not grateful to my husband. If he told me before marriage he only wanted one and done, I would not have married him. He is flushing my last fertile years down the toilet and you are telling me I have to suck it up and be grateful he even exists. Forgive me if this doesn't appeal.

And yes, actually, if we had a second child together and got divorced, it wouldn't be so bad. I'd have my children. Husbands come and go. Kids are forever.

Your husband(s) will most definitely come and go, what with your attitude towards him (them.) And please don't kid yourself that children are forever. Kids can walk away from you just as fast as you walk away from men who don't bow to your will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the thoughtful responses and compassion.

Yes - we did discuss this before marriage. I was already pregnant when we got married (we intentionally conceived), and the issue came up while I was already pregnant. DH expressed concerns, and I told him that if he wanted me to agree to only 1 then I wasn't going to marry him. It was a tough situation because I was already pregnant. But he agreed to keep an open mind about it.

Very early in dating, I talked about how important having children was for me. And 5 years later (4 married), I still feel strongly about that. Children - not child. I have waivered at times because we have had several moves (one cross-country), and DH is starting a business, so I told myself (and others) - oh no, I don't want to another. It also seemed easier than having tough discussions with DH.

DH, btw, has said that he doesn't want me regret not having more kids. He has not been unequivocal in not having more. In fact, I think he wants more - but just doesn't want to take full responsibility for it.

And, yes, I know that leaving him won't guarantee a second child. But as one astute PP wrote - it would mean not being married to someone who's communication skills, maturity, and integrity I question.

I know the chapter's not over on this one. I am still hopeful that DH and I will be able to work this out. He is a lovely father to our one child, and our lives (and home) have room for at least one more.

Has your DH been communicating like an idiot for all four years you've badgered him or is this a recent development? He's told you NO, STOP BRINGING IT UP. Move on if you need to but don't endlessly put someone under the pressure gun for FOUR YEARS and then bitch when he starts to develop an attitude.

So many of the women on this board are so completely out of touch with their own contributions to how things roll in their lives it scares me. It also scares me how many of you have a low opinion of men ----> I get it there are creeps out there but a lot of you speak like you're doing your husbands a favor by your very existence. Honestly I wish less of you would reproduce.

And OP, your husband told you how he felt before you got married, you just figured you could bully him into compliance somewhere along the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What were your vows then? I promise to love you but only if you always do everything I want the way I want it?

So you're saying it's OK for the husband to back on his promise but not OK for the OP to go back on her vows?

Her husband didn't promise. he said he was on the fence and she basically threatened him.