Conflict around family size

[Anonymous]

I think the people that are posting that he is too old are disregarding the fact that he was 46 or 47 when DC1 was born. He clearly doesn't have a problem being an older dad, so it seems like he should have other reasons for not wanting to consider it. I would understand not wanting to start down the road in your late 40s, but once you're gone, age wouldn't stop you from considering one more if you're able. The DH may have 50 other reasons, but I don't think age is very valid in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the people that are posting that he is too old are disregarding the fact that he was 46 or 47 when DC1 was born. He clearly doesn't have a problem being an older dad, so it seems like he should have other reasons for not wanting to consider it. I would understand not wanting to start down the road in your late 40s, but once you're gone, age wouldn't stop you from considering one more if you're able. The DH may have 50 other reasons, but I don't think age is very valid in this case.

Who are you to judge whether his reason is "valid?" He doesn't want another child. This is about bringing another human being into the world and is one of those situations where a "no" trumps. There is no compromise and there is no dismissing or judging someone for their reasons for not wanting one. He doesn't need to provide a whole host of reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I gave advice on this topic to a friend who isarried to a great guy, age 41, with one child, now 6. I reminded her that if she divorced she'd be 42 trying to meet a new guy and convince him she wanted marriage and a baby stat. She agreed that was less attractive than being happy with her current family. She and her DH just left for a second honeymoon.

The choices aren't always between a) stay with a great husband and only have one child , and b) be a single mom trying to meet someone stat. Sometimes the choices are between a) married to an asshole with one child vs. b) be a single mom no longer married to an asshole, with one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people that are posting that he is too old are disregarding the fact that he was 46 or 47 when DC1 was born. He clearly doesn't have a problem being an older dad, so it seems like he should have other reasons for not wanting to consider it. I would understand not wanting to start down the road in your late 40s, but once you're gone, age wouldn't stop you from considering one more if you're able. The DH may have 50 other reasons, but I don't think age is very valid in this case.

Who are you to judge whether his reason is "valid?" He doesn't want another child. This is about bringing another human being into the world and is one of those situations where a "no" trumps. There is no compromise and there is no dismissing or judging someone for their reasons for not wanting one. He doesn't need to provide a whole host of reasons.

She is his wife, and his decision to have or not to have another child is a major factor in shaping the rest of their life. Of course she has every right to judge him, and ask for every single reason he has about it. It's not right to make a decision that affects both people unilaterally, impose it on another person, and then be a dick about it. I mean, people do it every day, but let's not pretend it is without consequences to the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Great excuse to never have sex again. Sorry Dear, not tonight. You don't want to get me pregnant, do you?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is just tired of having the same conversation repeatedly for 4 years when he has already told you he is one and done.

If it was a woman saying she had clearly told her husband she only wanted one child and then he had repeatedly harassed her about it for 4 years trying to get her to change her mind...people would be calling him controlling, abusive and an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great excuse to never have sex again. Sorry Dear, not tonight. You don't want to get me pregnant, do you?

Yes, it's immature but I would pull this! Hahahahaha. No sex until he changes his mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great excuse to never have sex again. Sorry Dear, not tonight. You don't want to get me pregnant, do you?

Yes, it's immature but I would pull this! Hahahahaha. No sex until he changes his mind.

Idiot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people that are posting that he is too old are disregarding the fact that he was 46 or 47 when DC1 was born. He clearly doesn't have a problem being an older dad, so it seems like he should have other reasons for not wanting to consider it. I would understand not wanting to start down the road in your late 40s, but once you're gone, age wouldn't stop you from considering one more if you're able. The DH may have 50 other reasons, but I don't think age is very valid in this case.

Who are you to judge whether his reason is "valid?" He doesn't want another child. This is about bringing another human being into the world and is one of those situations where a "no" trumps. There is no compromise and there is no dismissing or judging someone for their reasons for not wanting one. He doesn't need to provide a whole host of reasons.

She is his wife, and his decision to have or not to have another child is a major factor in shaping the rest of their life. Of course she has every right to judge him, and ask for every single reason he has about it. It's not right to make a decision that affects both people unilaterally, impose it on another person, and then be a dick about it. I mean, people do it every day, but let's not pretend it is without consequences to the relationship.

Actually in the case where it's about whether or not to have another child, this is the one time that a no-vote trumps. There really aren't any other decisions in a family where this is the case. But with having another child, if one person doesn't want one, then it doesn't happen. I'm not saying it's easy or that the spouse who does want a child is obligated to stay or that there won't be any consequences. It's just not the same as a decision such as where to live or whether one parent will stay home or work outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people that are posting that he is too old are disregarding the fact that he was 46 or 47 when DC1 was born. He clearly doesn't have a problem being an older dad, so it seems like he should have other reasons for not wanting to consider it. I would understand not wanting to start down the road in your late 40s, but once you're gone, age wouldn't stop you from considering one more if you're able. The DH may have 50 other reasons, but I don't think age is very valid in this case.

Who are you to judge whether his reason is "valid?" He doesn't want another child. This is about bringing another human being into the world and is one of those situations where a "no" trumps. There is no compromise and there is no dismissing or judging someone for their reasons for not wanting one. He doesn't need to provide a whole host of reasons.

She is his wife, and his decision to have or not to have another child is a major factor in shaping the rest of their life. Of course she has every right to judge him, and ask for every single reason he has about it. It's not right to make a decision that affects both people unilaterally, impose it on another person, and then be a dick about it. I mean, people do it every day, but let's not pretend it is without consequences to the relationship.

Actually in the case where it's about whether or not to have another child, this is the one time that a no-vote trumps. There really aren't any other decisions in a family where this is the case. But with having another child, if one person doesn't want one, then it doesn't happen. I'm not saying it's easy or that the spouse who does want a child is obligated to stay or that there won't be any consequences. It's just not the same as a decision such as where to live or whether one parent will stay home or work outside the home.

Original PP here. His no vote may well end up trumping, but wouldn't he make it easier on his wife to at least tell her why in a rational way? It sounds like it isn't just about the fact that he is saying no but how he is saying no. If it isn't age, give the real reasons. If it is the age, cop to the fact that you found DC1 too tiring and can't do it again. Shutting down gives OP the pain of both not having a chance at the family she wants and feeling like she isn't even afforded the respect of an explanation - a bad double whammy, one that definitely could end the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people that are posting that he is too old are disregarding the fact that he was 46 or 47 when DC1 was born. He clearly doesn't have a problem being an older dad, so it seems like he should have other reasons for not wanting to consider it. I would understand not wanting to start down the road in your late 40s, but once you're gone, age wouldn't stop you from considering one more if you're able. The DH may have 50 other reasons, but I don't think age is very valid in this case.

Who are you to judge whether his reason is "valid?" He doesn't want another child. This is about bringing another human being into the world and is one of those situations where a "no" trumps. There is no compromise and there is no dismissing or judging someone for their reasons for not wanting one. He doesn't need to provide a whole host of reasons.

She is his wife, and his decision to have or not to have another child is a major factor in shaping the rest of their life. Of course she has every right to judge him, and ask for every single reason he has about it. It's not right to make a decision that affects both people unilaterally, impose it on another person, and then be a dick about it. I mean, people do it every day, but let's not pretend it is without consequences to the relationship.

Actually in the case where it's about whether or not to have another child, this is the one time that a no-vote trumps. There really aren't any other decisions in a family where this is the case. But with having another child, if one person doesn't want one, then it doesn't happen. I'm not saying it's easy or that the spouse who does want a child is obligated to stay or that there won't be any consequences. It's just not the same as a decision such as where to live or whether one parent will stay home or work outside the home.

Original PP here. His no vote may well end up trumping, but wouldn't he make it easier on his wife to at least tell her why in a rational way? It sounds like it isn't just about the fact that he is saying no but how he is saying no. If it isn't age, give the real reasons. If it is the age, cop to the fact that you found DC1 too tiring and can't do it again. Shutting down gives OP the pain of both not having a chance at the family she wants and feeling like she isn't even afforded the respect of an explanation - a bad double whammy, one that definitely could end the marriage.

Yes. I'm going through this right now. DH and I always, always planned more than one, and then he abruptly turned around by saying "it's too much responsibility." I am in so much pain. He dismisses all attempts I make to discuss this rationally. We have a 4-year old and it absolutely kills me that he may be an only child. And the sadder thing yet is that I can see growing to hate DH over this, in a lasting way. I can't look at him. I feel no love for him whatsoever. He isn't even acknowledging that his turnaround is bringing me this excruciating pain. I don't know if this will end the marriage. I do know that right now, I do not feel the same commitment or loyalty to him any more. He betrayed me.

[Anonymous]

^^^ I really don't understand this bitterness. Yes, your husband changed his stance, but maybe having the first was harder than he anticipated. Do you really want to have a kid with someone who does not want to be a parent? Do you think your life will be better as a divorced, single parent? Sometimes, you need to grateful for what you have and maximize that experience instead spending so much of your energy thinking of what could have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ I really don't understand this bitterness. Yes, your husband changed his stance, but maybe having the first was harder than he anticipated. Do you really want to have a kid with someone who does not want to be a parent? Do you think your life will be better as a divorced, single parent? Sometimes, you need to grateful for what you have and maximize that experience instead spending so much of your energy thinking of what could have been.

You don't understand it because perhaps your dreams haven't been abruptly shattered by someone who is supposed to make you happy, and promised you he wanted the same things. Yes, go ahead and betray your husband and then tell him to suck it up and be grateful to even be married. That's an awesome recipe. I am grateful for my healthy son but I am not grateful to my husband. If he told me before marriage he only wanted one and done, I would not have married him. He is flushing my last fertile years down the toilet and you are telling me I have to suck it up and be grateful he even exists. Forgive me if this doesn't appeal.

And yes, actually, if we had a second child together and got divorced, it wouldn't be so bad. I'd have my children. Husbands come and go. Kids are forever.

[Anonymous]

Pp, your advice is way off base... of course, she can feel betrayed and be sad or angry. What all of these posters who can't take a chance on another child are missing is HOPE. A child may require work but come on, seriously people man the hell up and have another one..unless there is an extremely serious reason any well functioning family can have another chums and thrive.

[Anonymous]

*child not chums