Conflict around family size

[Anonymous]

I know that this is a common issue with couples - deciding on what size of family is the "right size." My husband and I have been stuck on this for 4 years - while I was pregnant with our one and only.

Four years later - I'm almost 40. And I still want another. He not only doesn't, but is a complete d*ck about the way that he is communicating it. Which makes me question our marriage (do I really want to stay with him? If not - then why have another baby?!) But now I'm wondering if I'm also using the baby discussion as a litmus test of our marriage. Like - if our marriage were healthy and we were truly partners, then of course we would have another kid. Instead, I'm married to a 50 yo manchild.

I'm realizing that if this issue is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back (one way or another), then I probably should leave the relationship without subjecting another child to the situation (assuming that having another one would also lead to divorce).


Have you split up around the issue of family size, even if there were other children involved?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I spent a year in couples counseling when our kids were about 5 and 2.5 over the issue of whether to have a third. I didn't, he did. It was never going to end the marriage, but it was a big source of grief for both of us. I really really really felt that I just COULDN'T have another kid and still be a good mom to the two I had and have even a tiny corner of space for myself. DH comes from a large family and really really really felt that something would be missing if we didn't have another.

The couples counseling was super helpful, and we did not have another child, and DH does not hate me for it but I let him be sad about it for as long as he needed. Kids are now 13.5 and 11 and we have moved on.

Short answer: conflict over family size, on its own, does not have to end a marriage. Not being able to constructively engage with each other over serious disagreements often does end a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like there's a bigger issue beyond family size

[Anonymous]

he needs to be honest about his real reason. your body changing? him losing "me" time?
guys think of kids as great, but also a big big burden on life. they tend to be more realistic.

if you conceed that if you have another you are willing to take on the sleepless nights alone, extra cleaning etc. then maybe he will go for it.

many will say equal partners etc. not really, if you want another and he doesn't but you are willing to pick up the slack maybe you can agree
step 1 is to figure out his main objection. then you need to work on bargaining that.

if the marriage is otherwise weak though, don't further break it, learn to be happy with what you have.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mome, and just ended a relationship, in part due to the other party wanting more children. I can't do it all again. The waking up in the middle of the night, etc. I want to enjoy my spouse, be naked in own house, not have to shush during intimacy, etc. that won't happy for many more years, my little one is around for several more. But to add more years to that? No rthank you!

[Anonymous]

I gave advice on this topic to a friend who isarried to a great guy, age 41, with one child, now 6. I reminded her that if she divorced she'd be 42 trying to meet a new guy and convince him she wanted marriage and a baby stat. She agreed that was less attractive than being happy with her current family. She and her DH just left for a second honeymoon.

[Anonymous]

Your DH is 50, the age of a typical new grandfather. This is a no brainer.

[Anonymous]

I've come to terms with my DH not wanting another - we have one, and I am 41. It took time. DH was not a jerk about it, I understand his reasons, and we love each other very much. And even so, I had to grieve and be sad about it for a good long time. What I had to come to terms with was that his reasons really were good - he is convinced he couldn't be the father and husband he wanted to be if we had another. He had to come to terms with causing me pain. It has gotten easier as time has passed and it is less and less palatable to change our life so drastically, in any case. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry, OP. Sorry you don't have your second baby, and sorry your husband is a complete d*ck about it. That just sucks.

I'll say this. It's REALLY hard to get pregnant at 40. But it's possible. It's also REALLY hard to be out in the dating world as a single mom with a four year old. I had basically given up on the idea of having a baby when I was 38 because I still hadn't met the right guy and I didn't want to be a single mom by choice. Somehow, the stars aligned and I met a good guy, but we didn't marry for 3 years, and I got pregnant pretty miraculously on our honeymoon and we now have a baby. Every day, I marvel at all the amazingly lucky pieces that fell into place. But I was single with no kids. I think if you really want a second child, you'd need to divorce your husband and immediately start trying to conceive on your own, maybe with donor sperm, since the chances you'd meet and marry a guy in time to conceive are pretty small.

So, I think leaving your marriage just to have another baby is not a good bet unless you're okay to go on that adventure alone.

However, leaving your marriage because you're married to a dickish manchild might be worth considering, or at least seeking counseling about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that this is a common issue with couples - deciding on what size of family is the "right size." My husband and I have been stuck on this for 4 years - while I was pregnant with our one and only.

Four years later - I'm almost 40. And I still want another. He not only doesn't, but is a complete d*ck about the way that he is communicating it. Which makes me question our marriage (do I really want to stay with him? If not - then why have another baby?!) But now I'm wondering if I'm also using the baby discussion as a litmus test of our marriage. Like - if our marriage were healthy and we were truly partners, then of course we would have another kid. Instead, I'm married to a 50 yo manchild.

I'm realizing that if this issue is going to be the straw that breaks the camel's back (one way or another), then I probably should leave the relationship without subjecting another child to the situation (assuming that having another one would also lead to divorce).


Have you split up around the issue of family size, even if there were other children involved?

This is not a healthy way to look at it. Lots of people in healthy marriages agree on zero children or one child. Having multiple kids is not an indicator of a healthy marriage. DH and I disagree on the number of kids we should have, but it doen't add stress to your marriage. I agree with other posters that there may be other issues at play, but don't assume that you will end up with an additional kid if you leave this marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP- you realize that 40, divorced, and one child isn't a recipe for finding dates, let alone having another child, right?

[Anonymous]

He is too old to have a newborn.

[Anonymous]

A 50 year old grandpa. Most people would assume the newborn is his grandchild. He probably doesnt have the energy. Besides, why do you want one so badly? Just because you want one does not mean you can concieve and have a healthy child. The odds are against you.

Fix your marriage before thinking about expanding it.

[Anonymous]

My mom is 53 and a grandmother so I can understand your DH's reasoning. However, regardless of that, I wouldn't want to have one child. You want one and he should at least consider it. I would feel the same way if I were you.

[Anonymous]

*You want one more. Sorry, typing too fast.