Conflict around family size

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ I really don't understand this bitterness. Yes, your husband changed his stance, but maybe having the first was harder than he anticipated. Do you really want to have a kid with someone who does not want to be a parent? Do you think your life will be better as a divorced, single parent? Sometimes, you need to grateful for what you have and maximize that experience instead spending so much of your energy thinking of what could have been.

You don't understand it because perhaps your dreams haven't been abruptly shattered by someone who is supposed to make you happy, and promised you he wanted the same things. Yes, go ahead and betray your husband and then tell him to suck it up and be grateful to even be married. That's an awesome recipe. I am grateful for my healthy son but I am not grateful to my husband. If he told me before marriage he only wanted one and done, I would not have married him. He is flushing my last fertile years down the toilet and you are telling me I have to suck it up and be grateful he even exists. Forgive me if this doesn't appeal.

And yes, actually, if we had a second child together and got divorced, it wouldn't be so bad. I'd have my children. Husbands come and go. Kids are forever.

+100
Ditch birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people that are posting that he is too old are disregarding the fact that he was 46 or 47 when DC1 was born. He clearly doesn't have a problem being an older dad, so it seems like he should have other reasons for not wanting to consider it. I would understand not wanting to start down the road in your late 40s, but once you're gone, age wouldn't stop you from considering one more if you're able. The DH may have 50 other reasons, but I don't think age is very valid in this case.

Who are you to judge whether his reason is "valid?" He doesn't want another child. This is about bringing another human being into the world and is one of those situations where a "no" trumps. There is no compromise and there is no dismissing or judging someone for their reasons for not wanting one. He doesn't need to provide a whole host of reasons.

Why does 'no' trump?

[Anonymous]

Family size in my opinion is a personal choice, but overall I think all children should have a sibling. I was raised as an only child and it was very lonely. I never had anyone to play w/after school and during summer vacations/trips and always relied on my parents to entertain me. I envied other kids my age who had built in playmates.

So I see your side. And at 40, time is of the essence.

I would feel EXACTLY the way you do if I was in your shoes, however if your husband is adamantly opposed to having another child, there really is nothing you can do about it. You can persist and persist, and hope he changes his mind, but like I stated...Time is of the essence. It doesn't seem to me like he is going to change his mind.

I know this is water under the bridge, but was this all discussed prior to marriage?

Anyway, if you stay married to him, it is inevitable that you will always resent him for you not being able to have another child. Always. You will carry bitterness around in your heart and this may ultimately destroy your family dynamic.

If you leave him, the chance that you will find another partner, fall in love, get engaged and marry, then have another child within a short time frame are pretty slim as well.

Ideally, you could get divorced and eventually get re-married then you and your partner could either get infertility assistance to conceive a baby or consider adoption.


This is a tough situation OP.

You will need to think this one through very carefully.

Regardless, I wish you the best in any future endeavors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ I really don't understand this bitterness. Yes, your husband changed his stance, but maybe having the first was harder than he anticipated. Do you really want to have a kid with someone who does not want to be a parent? Do you think your life will be better as a divorced, single parent? Sometimes, you need to grateful for what you have and maximize that experience instead spending so much of your energy thinking of what could have been.

You don't understand it because perhaps your dreams haven't been abruptly shattered by someone who is supposed to make you happy, and promised you he wanted the same things. Yes, go ahead and betray your husband and then tell him to suck it up and be grateful to even be married. That's an awesome recipe. I am grateful for my healthy son but I am not grateful to my husband. If he told me before marriage he only wanted one and done, I would not have married him. He is flushing my last fertile years down the toilet and you are telling me I have to suck it up and be grateful he even exists. Forgive me if this doesn't appeal.

And yes, actually, if we had a second child together and got divorced, it wouldn't be so bad. I'd have my children. Husbands come and go. Kids are forever.

+100
Ditch birth control.

Wow. Just...wow.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the thoughtful responses and compassion.

Yes - we did discuss this before marriage. I was already pregnant when we got married (we intentionally conceived), and the issue came up while I was already pregnant. DH expressed concerns, and I told him that if he wanted me to agree to only 1 then I wasn't going to marry him. It was a tough situation because I was already pregnant. But he agreed to keep an open mind about it.

Very early in dating, I talked about how important having children was for me. And 5 years later (4 married), I still feel strongly about that. Children - not child. I have waivered at times because we have had several moves (one cross-country), and DH is starting a business, so I told myself (and others) - oh no, I don't want to another. It also seemed easier than having tough discussions with DH.

DH, btw, has said that he doesn't want me regret not having more kids. He has not been unequivocal in not having more. In fact, I think he wants more - but just doesn't want to take full responsibility for it.

And, yes, I know that leaving him won't guarantee a second child. But as one astute PP wrote - it would mean not being married to someone who's communication skills, maturity, and integrity I question.

I know the chapter's not over on this one. I am still hopeful that DH and I will be able to work this out. He is a lovely father to our one child, and our lives (and home) have room for at least one more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people that are posting that he is too old are disregarding the fact that he was 46 or 47 when DC1 was born. He clearly doesn't have a problem being an older dad, so it seems like he should have other reasons for not wanting to consider it. I would understand not wanting to start down the road in your late 40s, but once you're gone, age wouldn't stop you from considering one more if you're able. The DH may have 50 other reasons, but I don't think age is very valid in this case.

Who are you to judge whether his reason is "valid?" He doesn't want another child. This is about bringing another human being into the world and is one of those situations where a "no" trumps. There is no compromise and there is no dismissing or judging someone for their reasons for not wanting one. He doesn't need to provide a whole host of reasons.

Why does 'no' trump?

You seriously have to ask this question??? This is about whether to bring a child into the relationship. No child should have to endure a resentful parent. There is way too much work, energy and love required to raise a child. Having a child is the biggest commitment a couple can make. If one isn't on board, then it shouldn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the thoughtful responses and compassion.

Yes - we did discuss this before marriage. I was already pregnant when we got married (we intentionally conceived), and the issue came up while I was already pregnant. DH expressed concerns, and I told him that if he wanted me to agree to only 1 then I wasn't going to marry him. It was a tough situation because I was already pregnant. But he agreed to keep an open mind about it.

Very early in dating, I talked about how important having children was for me. And 5 years later (4 married), I still feel strongly about that. Children - not child. I have waivered at times because we have had several moves (one cross-country), and DH is starting a business, so I told myself (and others) - oh no, I don't want to another. It also seemed easier than having tough discussions with DH.

DH, btw, has said that he doesn't want me regret not having more kids. He has not been unequivocal in not having more. In fact, I think he wants more - but just doesn't want to take full responsibility for it.

And, yes, I know that leaving him won't guarantee a second child. But as one astute PP wrote - it would mean not being married to someone who's communication skills, maturity, and integrity I question.

I know the chapter's not over on this one. I am still hopeful that DH and I will be able to work this out. He is a lovely father to our one child, and our lives (and home) have room for at least one more.

OP, it sounds like you two would benefit from speaking with a counselor. A neutral third party could help you both talk about this in a productive way. My guess is that it is so emotional and that you both may be stuck in patterns of communicating that prevent you from moving forward.

[Anonymous]

The "NO" always wins.

OP, since you are the one who is always bringing this up, you are the problem. stop.

Your one child should not have to grow up in a divorced home because you want what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "NO" always wins.

OP, since you are the one who is always bringing this up, you are the problem. stop.

Your one child should not have to grow up in a divorced home because you want what you want.

If it's OK for the husband to revoke his commitment to more than one child, it should be OK for the wife to revoke her commitment to marriage. I am not saying she SHOULD do this. I am saying it's not impossible, unreasonable or even unexpected to grow to hate the spouse who is forcing you into the image of the family they now decided they want - after promising you something entirely different. You're saying that the only reasonable way out is for the wife to shut up and get over it, and that's just not true. True, you can't force someone to have another child. Equally, you cannot force someone into continued love and respect of someone who betrayed a vision the wife thought they shared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "NO" always wins.

OP, since you are the one who is always bringing this up, you are the problem. stop.

Your one child should not have to grow up in a divorced home because you want what you want.

The prize for that win may not look like anything the husband thinks.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want a second child so badly? Why doesn't he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "NO" always wins.

OP, since you are the one who is always bringing this up, you are the problem. stop.

Your one child should not have to grow up in a divorced home because you want what you want.

If it's OK for the husband to revoke his commitment to more than one child, it should be OK for the wife to revoke her commitment to marriage. I am not saying she SHOULD do this. I am saying it's not impossible, unreasonable or even unexpected to grow to hate the spouse who is forcing you into the image of the family they now decided they want - after promising you something entirely different. You're saying that the only reasonable way out is for the wife to shut up and get over it, and that's just not true. True, you can't force someone to have another child. Equally, you cannot force someone into continued love and respect of someone who betrayed a vision the wife thought they shared.

Go back and read OP's post at 6:37. All her husband agreed to was to "keep an open mind." My guess is that OP crossed her fingers knowing he didn't want more than one kid and figured she'd change his mind.

[Anonymous]

OP here - it's more accurate to say that DH is the one who hoped I would change my mind. I was clear before marriage that I wanted at least two children. He was a maybe. I made it clear to him that I would not marry him if he only wanted one. I would have rather co-parented separately than committed myself to him and a small family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - it's more accurate to say that DH is the one who hoped I would change my mind. I was clear before marriage that I wanted at least two children. He was a maybe. I made it clear to him that I would not marry him if he only wanted one. I would have rather co-parented separately than committed myself to him and a small family.

Why do you want two children?

[Anonymous]

No we haven't had any conflict around family size. I wanted no children and he wanted at least one. I agreed to only one (or multiples from one pregnancy). We have one who is awesome and feel our family size is perfect for us.