Conflict around family size

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not opposed to divorce, but I think it is interesting how you can't stand you have your dream of another child shattered, but you are fine with shattering your child's dream (assuming most kids value this as long as the marriage is decent) of having both mother and father together. Why does your dream win?

This OP. I am an only child with divorced parents. Yeah, when I was a kid, I really wanted a sibling, but I'm an adult now with my own family and circle of friends. And while I know siblings who are best friends, I know others who are always at each other's throats or simply see each other as acquaintances. If I had a choice now, I would much rather have grown up with and have parents who were happily married than a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not opposed to divorce, but I think it is interesting how you can't stand you have your dream of another child shattered, but you are fine with shattering your child's dream (assuming most kids value this as long as the marriage is decent) of having both mother and father together. Why does your dream win?

OP here - Isn't the question - why does DH's dream win? And his position isn't exactly a compromise - he's getting "his way". Hence the real conflict. If it were so easy (I'm a selfish hag with psychological issues because I want to procreate with my husband again!), then there likely wouldn't be pages of mostly thoughtful comments on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is 50, the age of a typical new grandfather. This is a no brainer.

+1 DH was 50 when we had our one and only. He is retiring at 56. I cannot imagine having 2 young kids, one a baby, at his (and my) age.

That's silly. If you can imagine an infant at 50, you can most certainly imagine two young children at 55. It's not exactly a leap.

He's retiring mostly for health reasons so yeah, I can imagine how much harder it'll be if we had two rather than just one. For one thing, he could not retire now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not opposed to divorce, but I think it is interesting how you can't stand you have your dream of another child shattered, but you are fine with shattering your child's dream (assuming most kids value this as long as the marriage is decent) of having both mother and father together. Why does your dream win?

OP here - Isn't the question - why does DH's dream win? And his position isn't exactly a compromise - he's getting "his way". Hence the real conflict. If it were so easy (I'm a selfish hag with psychological issues because I want to procreate with my husband again!), then there likely wouldn't be pages of mostly thoughtful comments on this thread.

Just get a divorce now and get pregnant or adopt if you want another child. My brother got divorced exactly for the same reason. There's no compromise on wanting children or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not opposed to divorce, but I think it is interesting how you can't stand you have your dream of another child shattered, but you are fine with shattering your child's dream (assuming most kids value this as long as the marriage is decent) of having both mother and father together. Why does your dream win?

OP here - Isn't the question - why does DH's dream win? And his position isn't exactly a compromise - he's getting "his way". Hence the real conflict. If it were so easy (I'm a selfish hag with psychological issues because I want to procreate with my husband again!), then there likely wouldn't be pages of mostly thoughtful comments on this thread.

Because there isn't a compromise to be had in this situation. And no one should be forced in to having a child. Just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What were your vows then? I promise to love you but only if you always do everything I want the way I want it?

So you're saying it's OK for the husband to back on his promise but not OK for the OP to go back on her vows?

More paranoid inferences. You truly do need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think part of the issue is expectations about marriage - mine, my husband's, and a lot of yours -PPs. I'm not guided by strict religious or cultural traditions, nor is my husband. If we were strictly Catholic, e.g., we'd have those "rules" to guide us. If we believed that marriage was about pro-creation, then we'd likely have gotten married much younger, and started a family far sooner.

What I've realized about myself, is that I married partially for companionship, but a large part of marrying for me was also about having a family - children - not just one.

That's why family size is so integral to my "relationship" to my husband. Now if my husband were somehow unable to reproduce a second time, I wouldn't divorce him for that. But his stance reflects a value different than mine of what our marriage is about.

NP here. Yes, OP, but while you're wallowing in the "I do it my way" routine please remember that you have ALREADY brought a child into the world with this man. That little human that you created (and you obviously think you are a blue ribbon mom at raising, because hey, you're up for doing it again) NEEDS A FATHER. It's not just about YOU and your baby eyes anymore.

Would you say the same thing if the husband cheated? Or stole? The child would still need a father, no, A FATHER, then, wouldn't he/she?

Conflating a person changing their mind about having additional children to cheating, or abuse, or murder, as has been done throughout this thread, demonstrates someone who is incapable or rational thought or logic anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not opposed to divorce, but I think it is interesting how you can't stand you have your dream of another child shattered, but you are fine with shattering your child's dream (assuming most kids value this as long as the marriage is decent) of having both mother and father together. Why does your dream win?

OP here - Isn't the question - why does DH's dream win? And his position isn't exactly a compromise - he's getting "his way". Hence the real conflict. If it were so easy (I'm a selfish hag with psychological issues because I want to procreate with my husband again!), then there likely wouldn't be pages of mostly thoughtful comments on this thread.

You really don't get how a marriage is supposed to work, do you? It's not supposed to be a zero sum game. You are dooming yourself to repeat your parents mistakes by ending up divorced yourself. You are your own worst enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not opposed to divorce, but I think it is interesting how you can't stand you have your dream of another child shattered, but you are fine with shattering your child's dream (assuming most kids value this as long as the marriage is decent) of having both mother and father together. Why does your dream win?

OP here - Isn't the question - why does DH's dream win? And his position isn't exactly a compromise - he's getting "his way". Hence the real conflict. If it were so easy (I'm a selfish hag with psychological issues because I want to procreate with my husband again!), then there likely wouldn't be pages of mostly thoughtful comments on this thread.

You really don't get how a marriage is supposed to work, do you? It's not supposed to be a zero sum game. You are dooming yourself to repeat your parents mistakes by ending up divorced yourself. You are your own worst enemy.

OP here - my parents aren't divorced. They are celebrating 44 years together this year - a second marriage for both. I come from a large "blended family" - my parents decided to have two children together and each brought 2 children to the marriage. So my husband had a heads up about what I consider a large family to be. He should happy I *only* want two!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not opposed to divorce, but I think it is interesting how you can't stand you have your dream of another child shattered, but you are fine with shattering your child's dream (assuming most kids value this as long as the marriage is decent) of having both mother and father together. Why does your dream win?

OP here - Isn't the question - why does DH's dream win? And his position isn't exactly a compromise - he's getting "his way". Hence the real conflict. If it were so easy (I'm a selfish hag with psychological issues because I want to procreate with my husband again!), then there likely wouldn't be pages of mostly thoughtful comments on this thread.

You really don't get how a marriage is supposed to work, do you? It's not supposed to be a zero sum game. You are dooming yourself to repeat your parents mistakes by ending up divorced yourself. You are your own worst enemy.

OP here - my parents aren't divorced. They are celebrating 44 years together this year - a second marriage for both. I come from a large "blended family" - my parents decided to have two children together and each brought 2 children to the marriage. So my husband had a heads up about what I consider a large family to be. He should happy I *only* want two!

Misunderstood 10:52....thought that was a typo.

[Anonymous]

^^20:52. Damned phone

[Anonymous]

But you still don't seem to get it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you still don't seem to get it!

Sure, she doesn't agree with you, therefore she "doesn't get it" and is in some way irrational. Nice that you appointed yourself an arbiter of rational thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I think part of the issue is expectations about marriage - mine, my husband's, and a lot of yours -PPs. I'm not guided by strict religious or cultural traditions, nor is my husband. If we were strictly Catholic, e.g., we'd have those "rules" to guide us. If we believed that marriage was about pro-creation, then we'd likely have gotten married much younger, and started a family far sooner.

What I've realized about myself, is that I married partially for companionship, but a large part of marrying for me was also about having a family - children - not just one.

That's why family size is so integral to my "relationship" to my husband. Now if my husband were somehow unable to reproduce a second time, I wouldn't divorce him for that. But his stance reflects a value different than mine of what our marriage is about.

NP here. Yes, OP, but while you're wallowing in the "I do it my way" routine please remember that you have ALREADY brought a child into the world with this man. That little human that you created (and you obviously think you are a blue ribbon mom at raising, because hey, you're up for doing it again) NEEDS A FATHER. It's not just about YOU and your baby eyes anymore.

Would you say the same thing if the husband cheated? Or stole? The child would still need a father, no, A FATHER, then, wouldn't he/she?

Conflating a person changing their mind about having additional children to cheating, or abuse, or murder, as has been done throughout this thread, demonstrates someone who is incapable or rational thought or logic anymore.

There are TWO women here who are having the same issue - the OP and another poster. Some posters are continually getting their responses mixed up. The OP has not posted a whole lot and she said that when she does post she identifies herself as the OP.
Why don't people use pen names here? It's all getting mixed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What were your vows then? I promise to love you but only if you always do everything I want the way I want it?

So you're saying it's OK for the husband to back on his promise but not OK for the OP to go back on her vows?

More paranoid inferences. You truly do need help.

There are TWO women here who are having the same issue - the OP and another poster. Some posters are continually getting their responses mixed up. The OP has not posted a whole lot and she said that when she does post she identifies herself as the OP.
Why don't people use pen names here? It's all getting mixed up.