Conflict around family size

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you are really not into your husband (maybe for good reason), but that might be the biggest problem. Sounds like a divorce, not another child, is what is best unless you are willing to try to let go of resentment and move forward with your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is ridiculous to agree on the number of kids you are going to have before you even have kids. Talk about it - sure. Discuss what you THINK you want.

You have no idea what kind of parent you or your spouse will be. You have no idea how your life circumstances might change - for the better or worse. You have no idea how you will feel about being a parent until you are one. You have no idea what kind of needs or extra time and resources your child will require. You have no idea how your financial situation might change.

So to make some hard and fast 'rule' as though it is some kind of contract before hand is ridiculous. It isn't moral failure or lack of integrity or character to decide after living the reality of child that you now feel differently. Maybe you thought you only wanted one, but now want 2 or 3. Maybe you thought you wanted six but realize that 2 is what is best for you. Maybe you thought you wanted 3 but you haven't been able to conceive easily and the one you have it.

Life changes. Holding grudges and resentment over this will ruin your marriage.

So so so well said.

[Anonymous]

If you really want another child, go find a sperm donor and do it. Don't expect your DH to stick around though. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is ridiculous to agree on the number of kids you are going to have before you even have kids. Talk about it - sure. Discuss what you THINK you want.

You have no idea what kind of parent you or your spouse will be. You have no idea how your life circumstances might change - for the better or worse. You have no idea how you will feel about being a parent until you are one. You have no idea what kind of needs or extra time and resources your child will require. You have no idea how your financial situation might change.

So to make some hard and fast 'rule' as though it is some kind of contract before hand is ridiculous. It isn't moral failure or lack of integrity or character to decide after living the reality of child that you now feel differently. Maybe you thought you only wanted one, but now want 2 or 3. Maybe you thought you wanted six but realize that 2 is what is best for you. Maybe you thought you wanted 3 but you haven't been able to conceive easily and the one you have it.

Life changes. Holding grudges and resentment over this will ruin your marriage.

You can make the very same argument about monogamy yet for some reason people are universally angry at cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "NO" always wins.

OP, since you are the one who is always bringing this up, you are the problem. stop.

Your one child should not have to grow up in a divorced home because you want what you want.

If it's OK for the husband to revoke his commitment to more than one child, it should be OK for the wife to revoke her commitment to marriage. I am not saying she SHOULD do this. I am saying it's not impossible, unreasonable or even unexpected to grow to hate the spouse who is forcing you into the image of the family they now decided they want - after promising you something entirely different. You're saying that the only reasonable way out is for the wife to shut up and get over it, and that's just not true. True, you can't force someone to have another child. Equally, you cannot force someone into continued love and respect of someone who betrayed a vision the wife thought they shared.

Good lord. You act like there is no one on earth whose perceptions differed from reality. I tis not an active betrayal like sleeping with someone else or having a double life. It's called change.

Many people, myself included, always thought they would have a big family Then they had one kid and the reality was far different. Yes, my husband wanted more than one child. But childbirth and pregnancy and the first year were horrible and I didn't want another one. My husband was understandably upset for awhile, but then he moved on because he valued what he ACTUALLY had more than some dream.

So the options for OP are 1. Browbeat her husband into having a kid he doesn't want and will regret
2. Browbeat her husband into having a kid he MAY not regret
3. Get out of her marriage because she can't get over her resentment
4. Or deal with it and move on.

I know what I would go with. And saying her husband is a manchild at 50 because he doesn't want to start over again as a parent? Wow. It seems like she has her own set of unrealistic perceptions she has to deal with.

Unless the OP's husband is a medical miracle, none of the hardships of pregnancy and childbirth will fall to his lot. What else do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is 50, the age of a typical new grandfather. This is a no brainer.

grandfather at age 50? maybe in west va

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is 50, the age of a typical new grandfather. This is a no brainer.

grandfather at age 50? maybe in west va

Nope. Pretty normal. What is abnormal is having babies when you are half a century old. Nothing like being an orphan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What you, and the OP miss is how this impacts the second child if conceived after relentless nagging by the mother. A child that the father never wanted. Sounds awesome. SOunds like you and the OP are very selfish. No thought whatsoever to the unborn child who might have a dad who never wanted him.

Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

Forced into barrenness?

Being denied siblings?

Grow into loneliness?

Forced mommy not to have any more children?

Uh, project much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

Forced into barrenness?

Being denied siblings?

Grow into loneliness?

Forced mommy not to have any more children?

Uh, project much?

I'm not the OP. I wrote what describes my situation. I am not sure why you think projecting is a bad thing when we all clearly have just our own experience to go on. It's impossible for it not to color our perception so I don't have a problem with projecting. Besides, some of it is describing, not projecting.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I knew we weren't alone with this topic! This discussion is very helpful to read.

For PPs who comment on DH's age - he was a first time father at 47. So he's not exactly "starting over" by considering a second child at 51.

And the PP who commented that it's odd to agree on family size before having kids - I mostly agree with your sentiment, and that's why I thought it was ridiculous for DH to rule it out before we even had a first one.

[Anonymous]

We had mild conflict over family size but it was the difference between having 2 kids versus 3. I think stopping at 1 would have been a lot harder but even then I could reluctantly see how our lifestyle as a couple is dramatically different with 2 versus 1 child.

My question to the OP is what is his reason for wanting to stop at 1 child? Also, is this one of those things where he is so adamant he would be willing to get a vasectomy or he says no more kids but if you divorce and he starts dating a mid-thirties woman he ends up with another either on purpose or accident? My DH says he doesn't want another BUT it isn't a situation where he is getting a vasectomy plus backup forms of birth control. So his is a strong preference, and I'm not trying to talk him out of it, but is not an absolute.

I'm wondering if on both sides you could use a 3rd party to help navigate the situation, you aren't happy he changed the rules on you and his apparent lack of concern for your feelings and he may be feeling pressured and as though you aren't concerned with his feelings.

You also have to decide if your vision of a family is worth giving up the family you have now. What if the concerns DH has are valid (whatever they are) how do you deal with it if you go ahead with another? I always think, and what if we have twins, or what if we have another kid with ADHD or even more intensive special needs, do we have the commitment to each other and family to handle it or would it break us and break apart the idyllic life of DC1&DC2? As other people have mentioned, if you do leave, it has to be because the marriage fundamentally doesn't work and DH has no interest in repairing it because at the end of the day leaving at this age 40 with a four year old won't get you another child unless you are planning to go to the sperm bank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What you, and the OP miss is how this impacts the second child if conceived after relentless nagging by the mother. A child that the father never wanted. Sounds awesome. SOunds like you and the OP are very selfish. No thought whatsoever to the unborn child who might have a dad who never wanted him.

Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

This is truly offensive to all people who can have only one child or choose only one child. It's offensive to the children, too. It is offensive to call the childless "barren."
Is there anyone you managed to not offend with your ridiculous hyperbole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "NO" always wins.

OP, since you are the one who is always bringing this up, you are the problem. stop.

Your one child should not have to grow up in a divorced home because you want what you want.

If it's OK for the husband to revoke his commitment to more than one child, it should be OK for the wife to revoke her commitment to marriage. I am not saying she SHOULD do this. I am saying it's not impossible, unreasonable or even unexpected to grow to hate the spouse who is forcing you into the image of the family they now decided they want - after promising you something entirely different. You're saying that the only reasonable way out is for the wife to shut up and get over it, and that's just not true. True, you can't force someone to have another child. Equally, you cannot force someone into continued love and respect of someone who betrayed a vision the wife thought they shared.

Good lord. You act like there is no one on earth whose perceptions differed from reality. I tis not an active betrayal like sleeping with someone else or having a double life. It's called change.

Many people, myself included, always thought they would have a big family Then they had one kid and the reality was far different. Yes, my husband wanted more than one child. But childbirth and pregnancy and the first year were horrible and I didn't want another one. My husband was understandably upset for awhile, but then he moved on because he valued what he ACTUALLY had more than some dream.

So the options for OP are 1. Browbeat her husband into having a kid he doesn't want and will regret
2. Browbeat her husband into having a kid he MAY not regret
3. Get out of her marriage because she can't get over her resentment
4. Or deal with it and move on.

I know what I would go with. And saying her husband is a manchild at 50 because he doesn't want to start over again as a parent? Wow. It seems like she has her own set of unrealistic perceptions she has to deal with.

Unless the OP's husband is a medical miracle, none of the hardships of pregnancy and childbirth will fall to his lot. What else do you have?

Really? You're boiling my entire post down to a few words in the middle? That is world class cherry picking there.

I was explaining why I, ME, did not want to have another child. The OP's husband's mileage is obviously going to vary.

But nice way to sidestep the rest of my point, which is that sometimes, for various reasons, people change their minds when perception becomes reality. You're an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What you, and the OP miss is how this impacts the second child if conceived after relentless nagging by the mother. A child that the father never wanted. Sounds awesome. SOunds like you and the OP are very selfish. No thought whatsoever to the unborn child who might have a dad who never wanted him.

Why is it you think that the husband's resentment at having another child is Oh So the Most Important Thing in the Universe, but the wife's resentment at being forced into barrenness is just like a pimple - easily dismissed and unseemly to complain about? You want to talk about effect on the child? What about the effect on the first child, who is being denied siblings and forced to grow into loneliness? I can just see the conversation ten years from now:

"Mommy, how come everyone has brothers and sisters and I don't?"

"Because daddy thought that would be too much responsibility so he forced mommy not to have any more children."

This is truly offensive to all people who can have only one child or choose only one child. It's offensive to the children, too. It is offensive to call the childless "barren."
Is there anyone you managed to not offend with your ridiculous hyperbole?

I agree. One of the most ridiculous things I have read here. Are some women really this crazy?