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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would want to know.  He would be dead to me if he cheated.  I could never forgive him.  He feels the same.  So, in our situation knowing would = leaving.  I think the reason we have been happily married so long is that we discussed this in pre-marital counseling.  We both looked each other in the eye and said how we would feel if the other cheated.  We were brutally honest.   We went into our marriage knowing it would be the absolute end if we cheated.  So to answer your question, If my husband cheated on me, it would be better not to let me know, because I would leave him immediately.    [/quote]

I'm 15:18 and these kind of posts always really bother me.  I'm sorry to sound judge-y, but this is a very black and white naive point of view to me.  Six months ago, I could have written your post.  My husband and I also looked each other in the eye and said to each other that we would leave immediately if we were cheated on.  I remember saying this no fewer than three times in our relationship directly to him.  "I will leave you immediately if you cheat on me."  I guess I thought that provided me security; that if he was ever in a situation where he would consider cheating, that he would immediately remember and snap back out of his cheating fog and say "no, no - she said she would leave me, I can't do this."  Obviously, it may very well work for you and you may never cheat on eachother.  I didn't think we would either.  And I knew for absolute certain that I would leave, no questions asked.

So six years into marriage, combined finances, two houses and two mortgages, two preschoolers, a life and identity built as a couple, and some (to me) very run-of-the-mill two young kids two parents working full-time issues, he accidentally (and I say that meaning that he did not intend or seek out a cheating scenario) cheated.  Even though he had said he would leave me immediately if I had cheated and even though I had told him that I would leave him immediately.  It happened.  And he told me and he begged me to stay.  And like I said, he has truly truly been wonderful - made a great turn around and been committed to the marriage and to our family.  So I promised him I would try for a year, and that's what I'm doing now.  And like I said, I still don't know whether I will be staying.  But I think it would have been very naive and stupid of me to just walk out in this scenario and subject myself and my children to the devestation of divorce.

You absolutely never know how you will act until it happens to you.  And you cannot judge anyone else's decisions based on what little you know about their situation.  Please remember that in this discussion.[/quote]

NP here.  The PP you quote isn't judging other people's situations.  She is not saying that everyone should leave a spouse who has cheated.  She just says that she would.

And I think that it's fine for people to have bright lines in the marriage about what they will or won't tolerate.  Some people change their minds, but others don't.  It sounds like you are the one being judgy and/or defensive.

I don't think women are "naive or stupid" if they decide immediately that they want a divorce.  Divorce doesn't have to be devastating to children.   Some women (and men) know that they will not be able to trust the person again and that's a deal breaker.  Who are you to judge them?[/quote]

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