Reply to Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

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Reply to "Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Not telling means the relationship is based on lies, deceit, betrayal, unfaithfulness and disrespect. The hurt and damage is done, even if the spouse isn't told. I think everyone has the right to know what kind of marriage they are in and make choices for themselves if they wish to stay or not. They should have a right to protect their own health rather than unknowingly being exposed to STDs and they should know their spouse has brought other people into their marriage.

Whether or not someone wishes to stay once they know is completely up to them to decide. Not having that choice is unfair. Anyone who doesn't tell is too immature and/or narcissistic to be in a serious relationship.[/quote]

Agreed.  I'd want to know.  I'm not a child.  I didn't get married because I think marriage is necessary.  I got married because I wanted a monogamous relationship.  I WANTED to make that vow and I wanted my husband to make it to me.  If he betrays that, I want to know.  And then go from there.  But honestly, I don't think I could stay married.  From things I've observed, I do think that once a person cheats, even if they repent and sincerely intend not to do it again, I think there is a strong likelihood it will happen again.  Sure, some people only cheat *once*, but I suspect that is the exception.  I'd love to see studies, but unfortunately, I don't see how a reliable study could be conducted, because willingness to cheat also means a willingness to lie.

And that leads to the other problem.  Lying is a big deal to me.  While I probably could forgive my husband if he cheated, I could never trust him again.   And trust is important to me in a marriage.  I married later than most people, and that is because I was content to NEVER get married if I didn't meet someone I felt I could trust.

I don't care what other people decide.  Everyone has their own circumstances and priorities.  Some women are financially dependent on their husbands.  It makes it all more complicated, I'm sure.  Other people value different things in a marriage.  Fine, to each her own.

But the trust issue is central to me.  And again, while I could probably forgive, I wouldn't be able to trust.  [/quote]

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