Talk to me about your gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

Okay... You say that now. But still you're dumping care for your ex on your kids. I guess they could estrange but that's putting your children to a very hard choice.

The more awful you tell us your ex is, the harder it's going to be for your kids to deal with him in your stead. That's what you're choosing for them.

I think the most important thing in gray divorce is to be clear-eyed, see things for what they are (especially finances) and own that it impacts others in many ways. Denying it will make your kids lose respect for you.

Oh well, that’s what having a dud as a father gets you.

Dumped on or you set strong boundaries and let him dump on himself.

-NP

Right, I just magically have a dud of a father and my mom's choices played no role in that happening...

Are you saying your mom made your dad, an upstanding man, a jerk? What a powerful woman!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

Okay... You say that now. But still you're dumping care for your ex on your kids. I guess they could estrange but that's putting your children to a very hard choice.

The more awful you tell us your ex is, the harder it's going to be for your kids to deal with him in your stead. That's what you're choosing for them.

I think the most important thing in gray divorce is to be clear-eyed, see things for what they are (especially finances) and own that it impacts others in many ways. Denying it will make your kids lose respect for you.

Oh well, that’s what having a dud as a father gets you.

Dumped on or you set strong boundaries and let him dump on himself.

-NP

Right, I just magically have a dud of a father and my mom's choices played no role in that happening...

Are you saying your mom made your dad, an upstanding man, a jerk? What a powerful woman!

No, he was always a jerk. She chose him, had me with him, and now is dumping him on me. She can get a new husband but estranged or not estranged, jerk or non-jerk, he's my only dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

So basically it was pretty darn bad, but still not bad enough for him move out before the end of high school. Consider this, OP-- that's how important staying through high school was to this family.

lol you read into this that it was “pretty darn bad”? Where exactly did u get that part?

We had a great life and relationship. The biggest issue was that he was intense. We still do all family things together.

Because he cheated on you and the kids found out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

So basically it was pretty darn bad, but still not bad enough for him move out before the end of high school. Consider this, OP-- that's how important staying through high school was to this family.

lol you read into this that it was “pretty darn bad”? Where exactly did u get that part?

We had a great life and relationship. The biggest issue was that he was intense. We still do all family things together.

Because he cheated on you and the kids found out!

So?

The kids realized hey your spouse can cheat on you and if you don’t wrap that identity all over you, make the best of a situation and continue to be a good person it all works out in the end.

They also realized a terrible mistake does not define you and you can do hard work to get better, be grateful for what you have, mourn what you f’d up, own it and your family can still love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

So basically it was pretty darn bad, but still not bad enough for him move out before the end of high school. Consider this, OP-- that's how important staying through high school was to this family.

lol you read into this that it was “pretty darn bad”? Where exactly did u get that part?

We had a great life and relationship. The biggest issue was that he was intense. We still do all family things together.

Because he cheated on you and the kids found out!

So?

The kids realized hey your spouse can cheat on you and if you don’t wrap that identity all over you, make the best of a situation and continue to be a good person it all works out in the end.

They also realized a terrible mistake does not define you and you can do hard work to get better, be grateful for what you have, mourn what you f’d up, own it and your family can still love you.

Sounds bad to me. And I have no idea what you mean by "intense" but that sounds bad also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

So basically it was pretty darn bad, but still not bad enough for him move out before the end of high school. Consider this, OP-- that's how important staying through high school was to this family.

lol you read into this that it was “pretty darn bad”? Where exactly did u get that part?

We had a great life and relationship. The biggest issue was that he was intense. We still do all family things together.

Because he cheated on you and the kids found out!

So?

The kids realized hey your spouse can cheat on you and if you don’t wrap that identity all over you, make the best of a situation and continue to be a good person it all works out in the end.

They also realized a terrible mistake does not define you and you can do hard work to get better, be grateful for what you have, mourn what you f’d up, own it and your family can still love you.

If it's all fine and dandy, why divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

So basically it was pretty darn bad, but still not bad enough for him move out before the end of high school. Consider this, OP-- that's how important staying through high school was to this family.

lol you read into this that it was “pretty darn bad”? Where exactly did u get that part?

We had a great life and relationship. The biggest issue was that he was intense. We still do all family things together.

Because he cheated on you and the kids found out!

So?

The kids realized hey your spouse can cheat on you and if you don’t wrap that identity all over you, make the best of a situation and continue to be a good person it all works out in the end.

They also realized a terrible mistake does not define you and you can do hard work to get better, be grateful for what you have, mourn what you f’d up, own it and your family can still love you.

If it's all fine and dandy, why divorce?

Because he cheated.

I get most people (esp OW) need to believe there is a horror show in the marriage to have cheating.

Also some need to believe after divorce life is terrible (probably to justify staying).

Neither is true. Cheating /addiction/abuse are all non negotiable for me so I moved onward and upward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

So basically it was pretty darn bad, but still not bad enough for him move out before the end of high school. Consider this, OP-- that's how important staying through high school was to this family.

lol you read into this that it was “pretty darn bad”? Where exactly did u get that part?

We had a great life and relationship. The biggest issue was that he was intense. We still do all family things together.

Because he cheated on you and the kids found out!

So?

The kids realized hey your spouse can cheat on you and if you don’t wrap that identity all over you, make the best of a situation and continue to be a good person it all works out in the end.

They also realized a terrible mistake does not define you and you can do hard work to get better, be grateful for what you have, mourn what you f’d up, own it and your family can still love you.

If it's all fine and dandy, why divorce?

Because he cheated.

I get most people (esp OW) need to believe there is a horror show in the marriage to have cheating.

Also some need to believe after divorce life is terrible (probably to justify staying).

Neither is true. Cheating /addiction/abuse are all non negotiable for me so I moved onward and upward.

So why did you live with him for 4 years?

The trouble is, it's hard to predict how life after divorce will be. Just like your marriage took an unexpected path, right? The truth is divorce is a roll of the dice, and also what might feel like a good outcome for the divorcing people isn't necessarily a good outcome for others who are affected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

So basically it was pretty darn bad, but still not bad enough for him move out before the end of high school. Consider this, OP-- that's how important staying through high school was to this family.

lol you read into this that it was “pretty darn bad”? Where exactly did u get that part?

We had a great life and relationship. The biggest issue was that he was intense. We still do all family things together.

Because he cheated on you and the kids found out!

So?

The kids realized hey your spouse can cheat on you and if you don’t wrap that identity all over you, make the best of a situation and continue to be a good person it all works out in the end.

They also realized a terrible mistake does not define you and you can do hard work to get better, be grateful for what you have, mourn what you f’d up, own it and your family can still love you.

If it's all fine and dandy, why divorce?

Because he cheated.

I get most people (esp OW) need to believe there is a horror show in the marriage to have cheating.

Also some need to believe after divorce life is terrible (probably to justify staying).

Neither is true. Cheating /addiction/abuse are all non negotiable for me so I moved onward and upward.

So why did you live with him for 4 years?

The trouble is, it's hard to predict how life after divorce will be. Just like your marriage took an unexpected path, right? The truth is divorce is a roll of the dice, and also what might feel like a good outcome for the divorcing people isn't necessarily a good outcome for others who are affected.

Why not.

Because we both wanted to live with our kids. This was our way of doing that.

Life is unpredictable no matter the choices or path. Marriage, kids, divorce all is unpredictable… don’t let your identity to these things control your happiness.

All outcomes are “good” outcomes or “terrible” if you choose that .. I have friends who are widows , who have lost children, have cancer, lost jobs, disabled, etc.

We have all found happiness.

If you’re still wallowing in some situation in your life, get therapy and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

Okay... You say that now. But still you're dumping care for your ex on your kids. I guess they could estrange but that's putting your children to a very hard choice.

The more awful you tell us your ex is, the harder it's going to be for your kids to deal with him in your stead. That's what you're choosing for them.

I think the most important thing in gray divorce is to be clear-eyed, see things for what they are (especially finances) and own that it impacts others in many ways. Denying it will make your kids lose respect for you.

Oh well, that’s what having a dud as a father gets you.

Dumped on or you set strong boundaries and let him dump on himself.

-NP

Right, I just magically have a dud of a father and my mom's choices played no role in that happening...

Are you saying your mom made your dad, an upstanding man, a jerk? What a powerful woman!

No, he was always a jerk. She chose him, had me with him, and now is dumping him on me. She can get a new husband but estranged or not estranged, jerk or non-jerk, he's my only dad.

I’ll tell you a secret. You don’t have to put up with jerks. Even your own father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

Okay... You say that now. But still you're dumping care for your ex on your kids. I guess they could estrange but that's putting your children to a very hard choice.

The more awful you tell us your ex is, the harder it's going to be for your kids to deal with him in your stead. That's what you're choosing for them.

I think the most important thing in gray divorce is to be clear-eyed, see things for what they are (especially finances) and own that it impacts others in many ways. Denying it will make your kids lose respect for you.

Oh well, that’s what having a dud as a father gets you.

Dumped on or you set strong boundaries and let him dump on himself.

-NP

Right, I just magically have a dud of a father and my mom's choices played no role in that happening...

Are you saying your mom made your dad, an upstanding man, a jerk? What a powerful woman!

No, he was always a jerk. She chose him, had me with him, and now is dumping him on me. She can get a new husband but estranged or not estranged, jerk or non-jerk, he's my only dad.

I’ll tell you a secret. You don’t have to put up with jerks. Even your own father.

I resent that the problem, which I never chose, is being dumped on me by the person who did choose it. Putting up with a jerk or being estranged from my own father is a terrible choice to have to make. It's not as easy as you make it sound. Especially because he's really nice to my kids for some reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

Okay... You say that now. But still you're dumping care for your ex on your kids. I guess they could estrange but that's putting your children to a very hard choice.

The more awful you tell us your ex is, the harder it's going to be for your kids to deal with him in your stead. That's what you're choosing for them.

I think the most important thing in gray divorce is to be clear-eyed, see things for what they are (especially finances) and own that it impacts others in many ways. Denying it will make your kids lose respect for you.

Oh well, that’s what having a dud as a father gets you.

Dumped on or you set strong boundaries and let him dump on himself.

-NP

Right, I just magically have a dud of a father and my mom's choices played no role in that happening...

Are you saying your mom made your dad, an upstanding man, a jerk? What a powerful woman!

No, he was always a jerk. She chose him, had me with him, and now is dumping him on me. She can get a new husband but estranged or not estranged, jerk or non-jerk, he's my only dad.

Lots of people have healthy boundaries with their Dud Dad or Dud Mom. Usually the dud estranges himself so you aren’t getting dumped on or the drama or the neediness BS. But if they don’t, you can. Just. say. no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

Okay... You say that now. But still you're dumping care for your ex on your kids. I guess they could estrange but that's putting your children to a very hard choice.

The more awful you tell us your ex is, the harder it's going to be for your kids to deal with him in your stead. That's what you're choosing for them.

I think the most important thing in gray divorce is to be clear-eyed, see things for what they are (especially finances) and own that it impacts others in many ways. Denying it will make your kids lose respect for you.

Oh well, that’s what having a dud as a father gets you.

Dumped on or you set strong boundaries and let him dump on himself.

-NP

Right, I just magically have a dud of a father and my mom's choices played no role in that happening...

Are you saying your mom made your dad, an upstanding man, a jerk? What a powerful woman!

No, he was always a jerk. She chose him, had me with him, and now is dumping him on me. She can get a new husband but estranged or not estranged, jerk or non-jerk, he's my only dad.

I’ll tell you a secret. You don’t have to put up with jerks. Even your own father.

I resent that the problem, which I never chose, is being dumped on me by the person who did choose it. Putting up with a jerk or being estranged from my own father is a terrible choice to have to make. It's not as easy as you make it sound. Especially because he's really nice to my kids for some reason.

Happens all the time with mentally disordered or addict or criminal parents. You set boundaries like limiting time, no calls, no bail outs, no money or loans, etc.
Of course a narc is nice and manipulative of your kids. Duh. They’re pawns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

Okay... You say that now. But still you're dumping care for your ex on your kids. I guess they could estrange but that's putting your children to a very hard choice.

The more awful you tell us your ex is, the harder it's going to be for your kids to deal with him in your stead. That's what you're choosing for them.

I think the most important thing in gray divorce is to be clear-eyed, see things for what they are (especially finances) and own that it impacts others in many ways. Denying it will make your kids lose respect for you.

Oh well, that’s what having a dud as a father gets you.

Dumped on or you set strong boundaries and let him dump on himself.

-NP

Right, I just magically have a dud of a father and my mom's choices played no role in that happening...

Are you saying your mom made your dad, an upstanding man, a jerk? What a powerful woman!

No, he was always a jerk. She chose him, had me with him, and now is dumping him on me. She can get a new husband but estranged or not estranged, jerk or non-jerk, he's my only dad.

I’ll tell you a secret. You don’t have to put up with jerks. Even your own father.

+1000

[Anonymous]

You guys are really making the case for gray divorce being awesome. How about taking some responsibility that you chose an awful person to have children with, and now your children are experiencing the consequences? Because estranging *is* a consequence.