Talk to me about your gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

OP here. The above poster wasn't me.

If it helps, I'm not even remotely interested in getting remarried, so I don't care about the availability of good men in my 50s.

And yes, I can see how kids and grandkids having to go to two different homes would be not ideal, but the decision I'm grappling with is not whether to stay or go, it's whether to do it now or later. There is no universe where I'd want to be with this person for the rest of my life.

[Anonymous]

(Adult kids and my grandkids) that is...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above poster wasn't me.

If it helps, I'm not even remotely interested in getting remarried, so I don't care about the availability of good men in my 50s.

And yes, I can see how kids and grandkids having to go to two different homes would be not ideal, but the decision I'm grappling with is not whether to stay or go, it's whether to do it now or later. There is no universe where I'd want to be with this person for the rest of my life.

I would wait out high school and make sure your finances are in the best possible shape.

You say you won't remarry, but what if your ex does? There will be fallout and it will affect the kids and you. And it's not really about remarriage, it's about you having a partner, even a casual one, and how that affects the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above poster wasn't me.

If it helps, I'm not even remotely interested in getting remarried, so I don't care about the availability of good men in my 50s.

And yes, I can see how kids and grandkids having to go to two different homes would be not ideal, but the decision I'm grappling with is not whether to stay or go, it's whether to do it now or later. There is no universe where I'd want to be with this person for the rest of my life.

It's not just about less holiday time.or annoying logistics though. When divorced parents are old and seriously unwell, they need real help. Time-consuming, in-person stuff. Hospital stuff. And because I have to do this over two locations, I can't do anywhere near as much for my parents as I could if they were married. Yet, I'm the point person for each of them-- unlike a married couple who can at least somewhat rely on each other. And on top of that, two homes to maintain and senior-ify. Now, if you have tons of money to hire help, great. But what if you don't?

[Anonymous]

My father diede when I was a teenager. I was very happy that my mother found a new partner a few years later. The fact that a new partner came into the picture never had a negative impact on me or my family. I find it ridiculous when grown adults here on the forum complain that their divorced parents no longer provided their adult children with an ideal family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father diede when I was a teenager. I was very happy that my mother found a new partner a few years later. The fact that a new partner came into the picture never had a negative impact on me or my family. I find it ridiculous when grown adults here on the forum complain that their divorced parents no longer provided their adult children with an ideal family life.

Because you didn't have joint custody and two sets of stepfamily and extra elderly adults to deal with.
Sorry for your loss, but obviously it's very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage has been up and down for 12 years. A few months are ok, then we're back to terrible... then we really want to work on it, then a fundamental disagreement happens and it's stonewalling and contempt. It's never ending and exhausting.

At this point I'm trying to hold off divorce for the sake of the kids, at least until they're in late high school or college. That's about 6 more years. For context, the kids don't see the worst of us (arguments happen when they're not home) and DH and I always come together to support our family unit. That said, we're not affectionate to each other and the kids I'm sure can see that there is tension between us.

For those of you who waited until your kids were older or adults, are you glad you waited, for their sake, logistically, financially or otherwise? Or do you wish you would have done it sooner? Why? Has it impacted your kids? Similarly, if your parents had a gray divorce, how has that impacted you if at all?

Separated in late 2018 after 16 years. Divorce finalized in early 2020. Two girls, 16 and 14 at the time.

Marriage had been bad for a long time. Many reasons for this I won't get into, but suffice it to say I had considered divorce when the kids were younger but didn't believe the courts would be fair on custody and didn't want to be a Wednesday and every-other-weekend father. We moved, in part because of the financial stress of her repeatedly running up credit cards even while avoiding getting a job, in part because I think we thought it might save the marriage. It didn't.

The circumstances leading to acting on separation and divorce were rather traumatizing. They involved her infidelity including a great deal of limerance (even so far as buying herself a "promise" ring to wear for the other man, which she proceeded to wear in front of me and the kids on Christmas). My oldest, who has some mental health problems, spiraled and it hurt our relationship because she would demand answers from me about what happened and I wouldn't talk to her about it because there was no way to do so without appearing to disparage her mother. High school was rocky -- in and out of partial hospitalization programs. But, we survived and both kids got into good Virginia universities and eventually thrived.

For me, I did feel a period of liberation in which I was happy to discover I was still desirable after seven years of no sex; I had resigned myself to that before the divorce, because keeping an intact family was my priority. I did date, but only when my kids were on their mothers' custody time. Although that got harder because over time, they were with me 90% of the time even though custody was 50/50 on paper. I finally met someone special during my youngest's daughter's senior year in high school. We recently got married (DD is in college now).

Financially, it was devastating -- money on lawyers and a private investigator to prove the affair, etc. Although I settled rather than put the kids through court testimony, etc., so asset split (i.e., she got half of mine but didn't really have anything to offer because she reneged on promises to return to work). I'm finally starting to recover.

Bottom line: It was harrowing for several years in terms of emotion, relationships with teenage children and challenges with their mental health and finances. Things are stable now and life is better. But it was rough sailing to get here.

I don't really know how my ex is. I'm civil to her but I also don't really care what she does, other than the fact that she is the mother of my children.

[Anonymous]

I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

That's a common rationale but really, you'd be a sitting duck for fraud and theft. There is no way around it. And you have no way of knowing how burdensome your ex will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

Okay... You say that now. But still you're dumping care for your ex on your kids. I guess they could estrange but that's putting your children to a very hard choice.

The more awful you tell us your ex is, the harder it's going to be for your kids to deal with him in your stead. That's what you're choosing for them.

I think the most important thing in gray divorce is to be clear-eyed, see things for what they are (especially finances) and own that it impacts others in many ways. Denying it will make your kids lose respect for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above poster wasn't me.

If it helps, I'm not even remotely interested in getting remarried, so I don't care about the availability of good men in my 50s.

And yes, I can see how kids and grandkids having to go to two different homes would be not ideal, but the decision I'm grappling with is not whether to stay or go, it's whether to do it now or later. There is no universe where I'd want to be with this person for the rest of my life.

IMO it would be easier to adjust to being solo rather than later, and i also do think it is never easy on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Well, I refused to live with my mom, so did 100% with my dad, and he was out of town a lot for work. So I had way too much fun doing things you wouldn't want your kids doing. My mom had a hard time coping with this loss of control over me, but there was nothing she could do about most of it. Think it through, OP. It's a good reason to wait until high school is done.

[Anonymous]

My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage has been up and down for 12 years. A few months are ok, then we're back to terrible... then we really want to work on it, then a fundamental disagreement happens and it's stonewalling and contempt. It's never ending and exhausting.

At this point I'm trying to hold off divorce for the sake of the kids, at least until they're in late high school or college. That's about 6 more years. For context, the kids don't see the worst of us (arguments happen when they're not home) and DH and I always come together to support our family unit. That said, we're not affectionate to each other and the kids I'm sure can see that there is tension between us.

For those of you who waited until your kids were older or adults, are you glad you waited, for their sake, logistically, financially or otherwise? Or do you wish you would have done it sooner? Why? Has it impacted your kids? Similarly, if your parents had a gray divorce, how has that impacted you if at all?

Separated in late 2018 after 16 years. Divorce finalized in early 2020. Two girls, 16 and 14 at the time.

Marriage had been bad for a long time. Many reasons for this I won't get into, but suffice it to say I had considered divorce when the kids were younger but didn't believe the courts would be fair on custody and didn't want to be a Wednesday and every-other-weekend father. We moved, in part because of the financial stress of her repeatedly running up credit cards even while avoiding getting a job, in part because I think we thought it might save the marriage. It didn't.

The circumstances leading to acting on separation and divorce were rather traumatizing. They involved her infidelity including a great deal of limerance (even so far as buying herself a "promise" ring to wear for the other man, which she proceeded to wear in front of me and the kids on Christmas). My oldest, who has some mental health problems, spiraled and it hurt our relationship because she would demand answers from me about what happened and I wouldn't talk to her about it because there was no way to do so without appearing to disparage her mother. High school was rocky -- in and out of partial hospitalization programs. But, we survived and both kids got into good Virginia universities and eventually thrived.

For me, I did feel a period of liberation in which I was happy to discover I was still desirable after seven years of no sex; I had resigned myself to that before the divorce, because keeping an intact family was my priority. I did date, but only when my kids were on their mothers' custody time. Although that got harder because over time, they were with me 90% of the time even though custody was 50/50 on paper. I finally met someone special during my youngest's daughter's senior year in high school. We recently got married (DD is in college now).

Financially, it was devastating -- money on lawyers and a private investigator to prove the affair, etc. Although I settled rather than put the kids through court testimony, etc., so asset split (i.e., she got half of mine but didn't really have anything to offer because she reneged on promises to return to work). I'm finally starting to recover.

Bottom line: It was harrowing for several years in terms of emotion, relationships with teenage children and challenges with their mental health and finances. Things are stable now and life is better. But it was rough sailing to get here.

I don't really know how my ex is. I'm civil to her but I also don't really care what she does, other than the fact that she is the mother of my children.

You must be gay.

You sound like a festering, rancid twat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are probably dozens of not more of this same banal question asked on here. Look up threads already beaten this to death.

Beaten To Death