Talk to me about your gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

My marriage has been up and down for 12 years. A few months are ok, then we're back to terrible... then we really want to work on it, then a fundamental disagreement happens and it's stonewalling and contempt. It's never ending and exhausting.

At this point I'm trying to hold off divorce for the sake of the kids, at least until they're in late high school or college. That's about 6 more years. For context, the kids don't see the worst of us (arguments happen when they're not home) and DH and I always come together to support our family unit. That said, we're not affectionate to each other and the kids I'm sure can see that there is tension between us.

For those of you who waited until your kids were older or adults, are you glad you waited, for their sake, logistically, financially or otherwise? Or do you wish you would have done it sooner? Why? Has it impacted your kids? Similarly, if your parents had a gray divorce, how has that impacted you if at all?

[Anonymous]

I kept on thinking and my therapist kept on telling me there is never a right time after she had spent over a year encouraging me to keep trying. It gets harder when kids are in transition -keep that in mind. Financially, you will be growing the nest longer you stay.

[Anonymous]

Have you all tried couple's therapy? This doesn't seem to rise to the level of divorce from your description

[Anonymous]

My parents had a gray divorce. They had a horrible marriage, and my only question was why it didn’t happen earlier. It didn’t impact me much since they were very civil with each other, and I never had to navigate alternate holiday celebrations and stuff like that. Plus, they still relied on each other for dealing with medical issues, so I wasn’t doing much more than I would otherwise.

[Anonymous]

My parents waited until we were both out of high school. That meant they no longer had to consider school district and school proximity in deciding where to live, and the cost of college was a known amount which made it easier to plan. I appreciate them not making us change schools and never making us live with new partners and other kids. That's a real gift, and well worth the awkwardness of a bad marriage.

Because guess what-- it's all awkward and tense. The big move-out day and the half-empty house are sad and awkward. Seeing your parent glum and lonely is also hard. Seeing them date can be hard and awkward. Stepparents and step siblings is awkward AF, it can be really horrible. As the kid, I'd definitely prefer the bad marriage. People may call me selfish for this, but I don't think it's wrong to acknowledge how hard the dating life can be for older adults, and how badly stepfamily life can go despite best intentions. For everyone not just the kids.

The best divorce is a carefully planned divorce. To do this properly takes time, especially if you are selling a home. You can start getting your ducks in a row if you like.

[Anonymous]

It has impacted me a lot. It's very hard to care for two unwell seniors in separate locations. My mom's new husband is too old to be helpful, so it falls to me. My dad is single now. Their new partners came and went but were never that great, sometimes really problematic. Leaving an unhappy marriage doesn't mean you get a happy new marriage! You get the *possibility* of that, and the reality that dating in your 60s and 70s means tons of baggage and slim pickings.

[Anonymous]

My parents get way less time with me, and with my kids. This doesn't seem to bother them, but I think it's sad.

My parents consider the divorce in the past and refuse to see how it affects me now. It's in the present for me, and while they can make polite conversation a few times a year, it's still hard. There is no Amicable Divorce Retirement Home where you get two units for the price of one. There is no airline where you get trips to two locations for the price of one because the divorce is "over" in the eyes of your parents. Financially it was very harmful to both of them, and now that they're older and running out of money, it affects them even if they're not willing to admit it.

Eyes wide open, OP.

[Anonymous]

Unless there is abuse, addiction or adultery-please try to make it work!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It has impacted me a lot. It's very hard to care for two unwell seniors in separate locations. My mom's new husband is too old to be helpful, so it falls to me. My dad is single now. Their new partners came and went but were never that great, sometimes really problematic. Leaving an unhappy marriage doesn't mean you get a happy new marriage! You get the *possibility* of that, and the reality that dating in your 60s and 70s means tons of baggage and slim pickings.

Why did they divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents get way less time with me, and with my kids. This doesn't seem to bother them, but I think it's sad.

My parents consider the divorce in the past and refuse to see how it affects me now. It's in the present for me, and while they can make polite conversation a few times a year, it's still hard. There is no Amicable Divorce Retirement Home where you get two units for the price of one. There is no airline where you get trips to two locations for the price of one because the divorce is "over" in the eyes of your parents. Financially it was very harmful to both of them, and now that they're older and running out of money, it affects them even if they're not willing to admit it.

Eyes wide open, OP.

Why did they divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has impacted me a lot. It's very hard to care for two unwell seniors in separate locations. My mom's new husband is too old to be helpful, so it falls to me. My dad is single now. Their new partners came and went but were never that great, sometimes really problematic. Leaving an unhappy marriage doesn't mean you get a happy new marriage! You get the *possibility* of that, and the reality that dating in your 60s and 70s means tons of baggage and slim pickings.

Why did they divorce?

My mom cheated and left. My dad was a jerk, that's why all of his wives have left him. But does it matter? The logistics are hard no matter the reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has impacted me a lot. It's very hard to care for two unwell seniors in separate locations. My mom's new husband is too old to be helpful, so it falls to me. My dad is single now. Their new partners came and went but were never that great, sometimes really problematic. Leaving an unhappy marriage doesn't mean you get a happy new marriage! You get the *possibility* of that, and the reality that dating in your 60s and 70s means tons of baggage and slim pickings.

Why did they divorce?

My mom cheated and left. My dad was a jerk, that's why all of his wives have left him. But does it matter? The logistics are hard no matter the reasons.

sorry-sounds pretty bad! hard to stay with any of these issues though-think of yourself in their shoes..

[Anonymous]

It takes two to wait and one to not wait.

I had very specific reasons for staying in my marriage and assume my exDH was intelligent enough to share that reasoning. He did not, and he left. You can make a plan for the distant future but if you’re having that thought, you really need a plan for right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has impacted me a lot. It's very hard to care for two unwell seniors in separate locations. My mom's new husband is too old to be helpful, so it falls to me. My dad is single now. Their new partners came and went but were never that great, sometimes really problematic. Leaving an unhappy marriage doesn't mean you get a happy new marriage! You get the *possibility* of that, and the reality that dating in your 60s and 70s means tons of baggage and slim pickings.

Why did they divorce?

My mom cheated and left. My dad was a jerk, that's why all of his wives have left him. But does it matter? The logistics are hard no matter the reasons.

sorry-sounds pretty bad! hard to stay with any of these issues though-think of yourself in their shoes..

Well yes. But you asked how it affects the children, so this is how it affects me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents get way less time with me, and with my kids. This doesn't seem to bother them, but I think it's sad.

My parents consider the divorce in the past and refuse to see how it affects me now. It's in the present for me, and while they can make polite conversation a few times a year, it's still hard. There is no Amicable Divorce Retirement Home where you get two units for the price of one. There is no airline where you get trips to two locations for the price of one because the divorce is "over" in the eyes of your parents. Financially it was very harmful to both of them, and now that they're older and running out of money, it affects them even if they're not willing to admit it.

Eyes wide open, OP.

Why did they divorce?

I'm the same PP with two posts, but you asked twice so I'll respond twice.

My parents are just incompatible in a lot of ways. They would each read you a list of complaints about the other, but ultimately it boils down to personality. I'm not even sure I know the whole story tbh. Yes there was cheating but I view that as a symptom as well as a precipitating cause. They say a list of the other person's faults as a justification, but the bottom line is that doesn't make the other consequences go away, and it doesn't make their new marriages happy.

I think you need to understand the down sides of divorce, which are quite serious. You may end up just as unhappily married to someone new, but with less money and a stepfamily, potentially some real problem stepkids. Your teens/young adults may really dislike having a stepfamily to the point where they refuse to live with you at all, or refuse to live with their other parent and you have them 100%-- and despite on-paper custody agreements in the real world there is little you can do about it. Really think through stuff like that because once you divorce there's really no undoing this.