Talk to me about your gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

"It can be different when it comes to finances. After decades of marriage, always with completely open and joint finances, you have a long and verifiable track record to assess whether a spouse is going to be "bad with finances" in this kind of situation. Right? And if you're confident that they're not going to be, and there's no acrimony or drama -- and, again, no desire to "date" -- a better way to "protect assets" very well may be to stay married. Divorce isn't free and there are tax advantages to being married."

I would not agree to that if I was financially the one with the lower income unless we signed a post-nup. I'd want to do a formal accounting of what "we" jointly own and agree to splitting that 50/50 or whatever makes sense if anything were to happen that would cause us to split up. If he gets someone pregnant, you should have your half of the money locked down so that it is not touchable by the new woman and her child. If right before he is about to fully vest for retirement, he decides to divorce so he can drive around the country in an RV, you need to be able to still get what you would have received if he'd waited. And while you're protecting yourself, do the same for your kids' inheritance in case he runs off with someone new or if you die before he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in our 60s and have been married for decades and now have grown kids and grandkids. We basically live in separate houses (our city house and our second home) and are basically just never alone together. But we get together as a family all the time and when we do we manage. We even sleep in the same bed. It's not a big deal.

The kids all know that we're living separate lives now and they've adjusted fine. It is what it is. We never fight, we're very civil to each other, our finances are completely shared and open and we have no issues with any of that. Neither one of us has any interest in "dating" -- even the thought of it is laughable -- so whatever. Why divorce? There's no need for such drama. Be adults.

Sounds like my parents. They have separate rooms in both houses and live separate lives, but they come together for the holidays. They're kind of tense when they are together, and only recently have I realized that all the tension is coming from my mom. I think the resentment has reached a boiling point, and now it's just total contempt on her part. I do not think that when my dad gets sick first, she will take care of him. She'll leave him in the other house and let us kids deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

[Anonymous]

My friend divorced his ex-wife when they were late 50s/early 60s. She'd been a stay at home wife (she never had kids and she never worked after they married). She got an amazing divorce settlement. Nevertheless, she had a fit and wanted to go after him for even more money when she realized how much high quality stand-alone health insurance costs on the open market. I'm sure she's counting the days till she's eligible for Medicare. Don't underestimate the financial benefit of remaining on your spouse's employer health insurance if you don't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

Nice idea, but a man who thinks he might want to remarry, especially someone out of his league, is probably not going to agree to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

Nice idea, but a man who thinks he might want to remarry, especially someone out of his league, is probably not going to agree to this.

Right, that's why it's important to lock it down if you can. Sometimes they think they won't remarry but then they do. Or they think they'll have enough money even with the trust, so they don't mind doing the trust. But if it's not in a trust, it's vulnerable to the new wife's discretion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

Nice idea, but a man who thinks he might want to remarry, especially someone out of his league, is probably not going to agree to this.

Right, that's why it's important to lock it down if you can. Sometimes they think they won't remarry but then they do. Or they think they'll have enough money even with the trust, so they don't mind doing the trust. But if it's not in a trust, it's vulnerable to the new wife's discretion.

Definitely worth a try!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

Nice idea, but a man who thinks he might want to remarry, especially someone out of his league, is probably not going to agree to this.

Right, that's why it's important to lock it down if you can. Sometimes they think they won't remarry but then they do. Or they think they'll have enough money even with the trust, so they don't mind doing the trust. But if it's not in a trust, it's vulnerable to the new wife's discretion.

Definitely worth a try!

My mom did this for me. She was very smart to lock it in while he was feeling guilty about the divorce and wanting to seem like a good dad and appease us kids. Of course, she put some assets into the trust too.

It had the side benefit of protecting the trust assets from her new old-guy husband's Medicaid spend-down, so that was awesome too. It's super fun when your parents get divorced and your mom marries someone who is old and broke. Love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

Nice idea, but a man who thinks he might want to remarry, especially someone out of his league, is probably not going to agree to this.

Right, that's why it's important to lock it down if you can. Sometimes they think they won't remarry but then they do. Or they think they'll have enough money even with the trust, so they don't mind doing the trust. But if it's not in a trust, it's vulnerable to the new wife's discretion.

Definitely worth a try!

My mom did this for me. She was very smart to lock it in while he was feeling guilty about the divorce and wanting to seem like a good dad and appease us kids. Of course, she put some assets into the trust too.

It had the side benefit of protecting the trust assets from her new old-guy husband's Medicaid spend-down, so that was awesome too. It's super fun when your parents get divorced and your mom marries someone who is old and broke. Love it.

What is to love with old and broke?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be sure you take care of your kids by placing assets in a trust for them. If he remarries he'll give most of his assets to the new wife, and she doesn't have to give them to your kids. Of course she'll let him tell himself she will. But really, this is the price of the marriage and he's going to rationalize paying it.

Nice idea, but a man who thinks he might want to remarry, especially someone out of his league, is probably not going to agree to this.

Right, that's why it's important to lock it down if you can. Sometimes they think they won't remarry but then they do. Or they think they'll have enough money even with the trust, so they don't mind doing the trust. But if it's not in a trust, it's vulnerable to the new wife's discretion.

Definitely worth a try!

My mom did this for me. She was very smart to lock it in while he was feeling guilty about the divorce and wanting to seem like a good dad and appease us kids. Of course, she put some assets into the trust too.

It had the side benefit of protecting the trust assets from her new old-guy husband's Medicaid spend-down, so that was awesome too. It's super fun when your parents get divorced and your mom marries someone who is old and broke. Love it.

What is to love with old and broke?

Well, he's really nice to her, which isnt nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're in our 60s and have been married for decades and now have grown kids and grandkids. We basically live in separate houses (our city house and our second home) and are basically just never alone together. But we get together as a family all the time and when we do we manage. We even sleep in the same bed. It's not a big deal.

The kids all know that we're living separate lives now and they've adjusted fine. It is what it is. We never fight, we're very civil to each other, our finances are completely shared and open and we have no issues with any of that. Neither one of us has any interest in "dating" -- even the thought of it is laughable -- so whatever. Why divorce? There's no need for such drama. Be adults.

Sounds like my parents. They have separate rooms in both houses and live separate lives, but they come together for the holidays. They're kind of tense when they are together, and only recently have I realized that all the tension is coming from my mom. I think the resentment has reached a boiling point, and now it's just total contempt on her part. I do not think that when my dad gets sick first, she will take care of him. She'll leave him in the other house and let us kids deal with it.

So cool that your dad cooks and upholds family traditions and holidays for you all. Stuff like that matters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the above arrangements don’t work as men want to date young women and start draining family finances.

That married/ live apart arrangement was suggested by a PhD psychologist who we saw for our NT/AS relationship.

My spouse with aspergers and bipolar II is so difficult to live with for all of us, that if he explode, at increasing frequently if his work was falling apart too.
Eventually he moved out and stops by for meals and whatever he managed to read from his emails about children activities. He’s much calmer. He simply could not handle living with kids, a spouse, and keeping a house or room decent. And would explode at any suggestion of a life change so baby stepping to moving out worked well.

Why would you have kids with someone like that? Seriously.

Aspies living alone or with another functional adult get more than enough downtime to keep on masking and faking it when in public.

Aspies living with a spouse and kids hit a wall, and do not handle the increased responsibilities of independents and adulting well, and spiral down with anger outbursts, stonewalling and opting out. Only use their low fixed amount of focus with work and external people. No capacity for their family’s needs. Only their own.

Most girls don’t know that about high functioning autistics, but find out once married or kid 1 comes along. Very unfortunate. And genetic so one or more kids will have it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It has impacted me a lot. It's very hard to care for two unwell seniors in separate locations. My mom's new husband is too old to be helpful, so it falls to me. My dad is single now. Their new partners came and went but were never that great, sometimes really problematic. Leaving an unhappy marriage doesn't mean you get a happy new marriage! You get the *possibility* of that, and the reality that dating in your 60s and 70s means tons of baggage and slim pickings.

I’d rather be alone than in a bad marriage. Married for 28, miserable for the last 10, happily single. He’s got a live in GF half his age. Better her than me. High five!

[Anonymous]

Strange. My boyfriend told me that I don't have enough gray in my hair and he's more than 10 years older than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the above arrangements don’t work as men want to date young women and start draining family finances.

That married/ live apart arrangement was suggested by a PhD psychologist who we saw for our NT/AS relationship.

My spouse with aspergers and bipolar II is so difficult to live with for all of us, that if he explode, at increasing frequently if his work was falling apart too.
Eventually he moved out and stops by for meals and whatever he managed to read from his emails about children activities. He’s much calmer. He simply could not handle living with kids, a spouse, and keeping a house or room decent. And would explode at any suggestion of a life change so baby stepping to moving out worked well.

Why would you have kids with someone like that? Seriously.

Aspies living alone or with another functional adult get more than enough downtime to keep on masking and faking it when in public.

Aspies living with a spouse and kids hit a wall, and do not handle the increased responsibilities of independents and adulting well, and spiral down with anger outbursts, stonewalling and opting out. Only use their low fixed amount of focus with work and external people. No capacity for their family’s needs. Only their own.

Most girls don’t know that about high functioning autistics, but find out once married or kid 1 comes along. Very unfortunate. And genetic so one or more kids will have it too.

True