Talk to me about your gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're in our 60s and have been married for decades and now have grown kids and grandkids. We basically live in separate houses (our city house and our second home) and are basically just never alone together. But we get together as a family all the time and when we do we manage. We even sleep in the same bed. It's not a big deal.

The kids all know that we're living separate lives now and they've adjusted fine. It is what it is. We never fight, we're very civil to each other, our finances are completely shared and open and we have no issues with any of that. Neither one of us has any interest in "dating" -- even the thought of it is laughable -- so whatever. Why divorce? There's no need for such drama. Be adults.

But did you despise each other whilst married or was that ok? I can see staying until the kids were out of the house if there wasn't stonewalling and contempt around every corner.

No, we didn't "despise" each other then and we don't "despise" each other now. Obviously that would be a completely different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the question for me isn't do I stay with this person forever or leave, it's do I stay with this person for now and leave when the kids are out of the house. I feel like half my time with the kids is clouded by some resentment or issue with my spouse. Would that go away and allow me to enjoy their childhood more if he weren't around all the time?

Why is he around all the time? Doesn't he have a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless there is abuse, addiction or adultery-please try to make it work!

What if there is abuse and addiction? Some of you like to spout that phrase constantly as if none of us actually deal with those things and we are just being finicky.

The definition of "abuse" is subjective and has been defined down in recent decades. "He refused to buy the house I wanted... he nagged me for lying in bed on my phone all weekend... etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the above arrangements don’t work as men want to date young women and start draining family finances.

It’s about 50/50.

My x was with her new guy within 6 weeks of announcing "divorce", weeks before she even told our HS kids about her decision. Three years later, the thought of dating in my 60s makes me ill. I'd rather jump off a bridge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My gray divorce has worked out fine. We realized that spending another 25 years together wasn’t a life either of us wanted. Both of us see our young adult children a lot and there is no animosity. I did a lot of dating after the divorce and definitely explored my sexuality and now I’m in a nice relationship with a guy a few years younger than me and life is good.

For you. But that's all that matters /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you all tried couple's therapy? This doesn't seem to rise to the level of divorce from your description

Exactly. And it’s a bad idea financially- just when your kids need you. You may end up penniless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the above arrangements don’t work as men want to date young women and start draining family finances.

It’s about 50/50.

My x was with her new guy within 6 weeks of announcing "divorce", weeks before she even told our HS kids about her decision. Three years later, the thought of dating in my 60s makes me ill. I'd rather jump off a bridge.

Dude, you will have options if you want them. If you're not lonely and not horny, then fine. Stay alone. But you can find nice women in your 60s. Dating in your 50s and 60s is easier for men than women. There will be some disappointments but you probably will find out you are actually a catch.

[Anonymous]

I am civil with my ex wife and I enjoy family events with her, but I never miss her. I don't think she misses me either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage has been up and down for 12 years. A few months are ok, then we're back to terrible... then we really want to work on it, then a fundamental disagreement happens and it's stonewalling and contempt. It's never ending and exhausting.

At this point I'm trying to hold off divorce for the sake of the kids, at least until they're in late high school or college. That's about 6 more years. For context, the kids don't see the worst of us (arguments happen when they're not home) and DH and I always come together to support our family unit. That said, we're not affectionate to each other and the kids I'm sure can see that there is tension between us.

For those of you who waited until your kids were older or adults, are you glad you waited, for their sake, logistically, financially or otherwise? Or do you wish you would have done it sooner? Why? Has it impacted your kids? Similarly, if your parents had a gray divorce, how has that impacted you if at all?

My gray divorce was more than fine. My kids all went to my wife, I kept working and met a nice submissive teenager at the night club. We had a love child and eventually got married.

Meanwhile I get to play Disney dad with my first set of three kids, now adults. My wife doesn’t trust me with them so demands to go along and bring a body guard. Soon we are spending 3 weeks in Italy and Greece, ex is paying, so I just show up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage has been up and down for 12 years. A few months are ok, then we're back to terrible... then we really want to work on it, then a fundamental disagreement happens and it's stonewalling and contempt. It's never ending and exhausting.

At this point I'm trying to hold off divorce for the sake of the kids, at least until they're in late high school or college. That's about 6 more years. For context, the kids don't see the worst of us (arguments happen when they're not home) and DH and I always come together to support our family unit. That said, we're not affectionate to each other and the kids I'm sure can see that there is tension between us.

For those of you who waited until your kids were older or adults, are you glad you waited, for their sake, logistically, financially or otherwise? Or do you wish you would have done it sooner? Why? Has it impacted your kids? Similarly, if your parents had a gray divorce, how has that impacted you if at all?

My gray divorce was more than fine. My kids all went to my wife, I kept working and met a nice submissive teenager at the night club. We had a love child and eventually got married.

Meanwhile I get to play Disney dad with my first set of three kids, now adults. My wife doesn’t trust me with them so demands to go along and bring a body guard. Soon we are spending 3 weeks in Italy and Greece, ex is paying, so I just show up!

Funny funny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the question for me isn't do I stay with this person forever or leave, it's do I stay with this person for now and leave when the kids are out of the house. I feel like half my time with the kids is clouded by some resentment or issue with my spouse. Would that go away and allow me to enjoy their childhood more if he weren't around all the time?

Why is he around all the time? Doesn't he have a job?

Do you understand how adulting works?

Everybody goes to work/school, then everybody comes home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in our 60s and have been married for decades and now have grown kids and grandkids. We basically live in separate houses (our city house and our second home) and are basically just never alone together. But we get together as a family all the time and when we do we manage. We even sleep in the same bed. It's not a big deal.

The kids all know that we're living separate lives now and they've adjusted fine. It is what it is. We never fight, we're very civil to each other, our finances are completely shared and open and we have no issues with any of that. Neither one of us has any interest in "dating" -- even the thought of it is laughable -- so whatever. Why divorce? There's no need for such drama. Be adults.

I'm happily married so I have no skin in this game but surely you can see that many, many divorces aren't a simple separation like yours where no one dislikes the other and no one wants to move on? I don't know any divorce that didn't involve cheating, so statistically I think your situation is really rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the above arrangements don’t work as men want to date young women and start draining family finances.

That married/ live apart arrangement was suggested by a PhD psychologist who we saw for our NT/AS relationship.

My spouse with aspergers and bipolar II is so difficult to live with for all of us, that if he explode, at increasing frequently if his work was falling apart too.
Eventually he moved out and stops by for meals and whatever he managed to read from his emails about children activities. He’s much calmer. He simply could not handle living with kids, a spouse, and keeping a house or room decent. And would explode at any suggestion of a life change so baby stepping to moving out worked well.

Why would you have kids with someone like that? Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're in our 60s and have been married for decades and now have grown kids and grandkids. We basically live in separate houses (our city house and our second home) and are basically just never alone together. But we get together as a family all the time and when we do we manage. We even sleep in the same bed. It's not a big deal.

The kids all know that we're living separate lives now and they've adjusted fine. It is what it is. We never fight, we're very civil to each other, our finances are completely shared and open and we have no issues with any of that. Neither one of us has any interest in "dating" -- even the thought of it is laughable -- so whatever. Why divorce? There's no need for such drama. Be adults.

Often one is not an adult. They want to date and are bad with finances.

You literally could be divorced, protect your assets and live this exact same life.

"Often" is the operative word, isn't it?

It's one thing to not know you're in the dark when it comes to something like, say, infidelity. A spouse in a long marriage can lull you into thinking there's no cheating when there actually is. You can never really know for sure.

It can be different when it comes to finances. After decades of marriage, always with completely open and joint finances, you have a long and verifiable track record to assess whether a spouse is going to be "bad with finances" in this kind of situation. Right? And if you're confident that they're not going to be, and there's no acrimony or drama -- and, again, no desire to "date" -- a better way to "protect assets" very well may be to stay married. Divorce isn't free and there are tax advantages to being married.

There's this assumption on DCUM that there's always good guy and a bad guy. But sometimes things just fizzle over time, couples grow apart, and people change. The change doesn't have to include a lost in trust or respect.

In short, yes, it's possible for a couple who have been married forever to grow apart but decide to stay married and both continue to behave like adults.

Sure, it's possible. But you do realize most people are getting divorced because someone wants it (generally because there was infidelity)? I think you are the exception, not the rule, so honestly your story is pretty unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. There wasn't infidelity, so far as I know, but he cheated with his first wife so who knows. Despite what some claim are the only legitimate reasons to divorce, there are reasons a relationship falls apart other than abuse or cheating.