Talk to me about your gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's worth it to you, go for it. But count the cost financially and in how it impacts your kids. Hope you like dating people with plenty of baggage.

Why everyone thinks people divorce in order to date? That was the last item on my list of reasons. I divorced to get my life back!

Because people say that, but they end up dating.

And because your ex will date and maybe remarry and your kids will feel the consequences, so you will feel the consequences as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents had a gray divorce. They had a horrible marriage, and my only question was why it didn’t happen earlier. It didn’t impact me much since they were very civil with each other, and I never had to navigate alternate holiday celebrations and stuff like that. Plus, they still relied on each other for dealing with medical issues, so I wasn’t doing much more than I would otherwise.

I'm the opposite. My parents had a horrible divorce and I ended up having to handle both of their lives, including all medical issues and support, separately. Neither of them either ever remarried, thankfully, although my dad had a long-term girlfriend before he died, but she never had kids so in that regard it was easy for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

It's hilarious that you think it's just 2-3 years.

People don't have to be in misery. They can-- get this-- repair their marriages! It happens and it's much, much better for everyone. Gray divorce is not the solution people like to think it is, and should only be undertaken with a very realistic understanding of the long term, and a pro financial planner.

I agree with this but only because we live in a society that has no sense of community at all. We’d all be better off not pairing for life if we had aunts, cousins, friends in our daily lives giving us support and fulfillment. I know the only reason I’m still here is because kids and money. Might be the same for my spouse. Imagine the freedom of not being saddled with anyone or anything at 50. Sounds amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's worth it to you, go for it. But count the cost financially and in how it impacts your kids. Hope you like dating people with plenty of baggage.

Why everyone thinks people divorce in order to date? That was the last item on my list of reasons. I divorced to get my life back!

Because people say that, but they end up dating.

And because your ex will date and maybe remarry and your kids will feel the consequences, so you will feel the consequences as well.

Why don't these adult kids focus on their life and career and don't think about lost inheritance? It's not earned by them, anyway. It's not the reason not to divorce for their parents and stay miserable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are really making the case for gray divorce being awesome. How about taking some responsibility that you chose an awful person to have children with, and now your children are experiencing the consequences? Because estranging *is* a consequence.

Except we haven’t chosen awful people to be fathers. They’re just not really great at being husbands..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's worth it to you, go for it. But count the cost financially and in how it impacts your kids. Hope you like dating people with plenty of baggage.

Why everyone thinks people divorce in order to date? That was the last item on my list of reasons. I divorced to get my life back!

Because people say that, but they end up dating.

And because your ex will date and maybe remarry and your kids will feel the consequences, so you will feel the consequences as well.

Adult children see their dads a hand full of times a year. Big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's worth it to you, go for it. But count the cost financially and in how it impacts your kids. Hope you like dating people with plenty of baggage.

Why everyone thinks people divorce in order to date? That was the last item on my list of reasons. I divorced to get my life back!

Because people say that, but they end up dating.

And because your ex will date and maybe remarry and your kids will feel the consequences, so you will feel the consequences as well.

Why don't these adult kids focus on their life and career and don't think about lost inheritance? It's not earned by them, anyway. It's not the reason not to divorce for their parents and stay miserable

The inheritance isn’t necessarily going to the new wife often. We have everything going to our kids through wills and beneficiaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

It's hilarious that you think it's just 2-3 years.

People don't have to be in misery. They can-- get this-- repair their marriages! It happens and it's much, much better for everyone. Gray divorce is not the solution people like to think it is, and should only be undertaken with a very realistic understanding of the long term, and a pro financial planner.

Women don’t get the benefit of a spouse, caring for them in their old age cause most of the times that spouse is dead and many of the times the spouse will leave when they get sick or they’re just incapable.

So for man, it might be an issue but for women it’s not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's worth it to you, go for it. But count the cost financially and in how it impacts your kids. Hope you like dating people with plenty of baggage.

Why everyone thinks people divorce in order to date? That was the last item on my list of reasons. I divorced to get my life back!

Because people say that, but they end up dating.

And because your ex will date and maybe remarry and your kids will feel the consequences, so you will feel the consequences as well.

Why don't these adult kids focus on their life and career and don't think about lost inheritance? It's not earned by them, anyway. It's not the reason not to divorce for their parents and stay miserable

What makes you think there is any inheritance available? My father doesn't have much money-- he would have had more if he hadn't divorced my mom and also his wife after my mom. But what he does have is an annoying whiny current wife who is also broke, and her adult son who lives with them, failure to launch style, and makes the house reek of pot. I hate this. When I was in high school, I refused to live with my father because of creepy stepchild, and my mom had me 100% of the time. Which she was not happy about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above poster wasn't me.

If it helps, I'm not even remotely interested in getting remarried, so I don't care about the availability of good men in my 50s.

And yes, I can see how kids and grandkids having to go to two different homes would be not ideal, but the decision I'm grappling with is not whether to stay or go, it's whether to do it now or later. There is no universe where I'd want to be with this person for the rest of my life.

If you guys can manage being good roommates without a lot of drama stay until kids are grown and out of the house.
If not move on sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above poster wasn't me.

If it helps, I'm not even remotely interested in getting remarried, so I don't care about the availability of good men in my 50s.

And yes, I can see how kids and grandkids having to go to two different homes would be not ideal, but the decision I'm grappling with is not whether to stay or go, it's whether to do it now or later. There is no universe where I'd want to be with this person for the rest of my life.

Is there infidelity involved?

If you guys can manage being good roommates without a lot of drama stay until kids are grown and out of the house.
If not move on sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The above poster wasn't me.

If it helps, I'm not even remotely interested in getting remarried, so I don't care about the availability of good men in my 50s.

And yes, I can see how kids and grandkids having to go to two different homes would be not ideal, but the decision I'm grappling with is not whether to stay or go, it's whether to do it now or later. There is no universe where I'd want to be with this person for the rest of my life.

If you guys can manage being good roommates without a lot of drama stay until kids are grown and out of the house.
If not move on sooner.

Op: is there infidelity involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

It's hilarious that you think it's just 2-3 years.

People don't have to be in misery. They can-- get this-- repair their marriages! It happens and it's much, much better for everyone. Gray divorce is not the solution people like to think it is, and should only be undertaken with a very realistic understanding of the long term, and a pro financial planner.

1. I am a woman and eldercare for mothers still fall on children (husbands die first)
2. People divorce when marriages can't be repaired. It's sad that you think your mother had to deal with her jerk husband./your dad for the rest of her life trying to "repair" an abuser, just so you won't need to arrange care for 2 households.

Just call Medicaid and spend down their individual assets to zero.

Exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage has been up and down for 12 years. A few months are ok, then we're back to terrible... then we really want to work on it, then a fundamental disagreement happens and it's stonewalling and contempt. It's never ending and exhausting.

At this point I'm trying to hold off divorce for the sake of the kids, at least until they're in late high school or college. That's about 6 more years. For context, the kids don't see the worst of us (arguments happen when they're not home) and DH and I always come together to support our family unit. That said, we're not affectionate to each other and the kids I'm sure can see that there is tension between us.

For those of you who waited until your kids were older or adults, are you glad you waited, for their sake, logistically, financially or otherwise? Or do you wish you would have done it sooner? Why? Has it impacted your kids? Similarly, if your parents had a gray divorce, how has that impacted you if at all?

If there is no infidelity, abuse or addiction involved, I feel staying will benefit the kids, otherwise, resentment will only keep on increasing and you will explode one day. I stayed to get my kids through the first year of college and high school, and it was tough for me but not for kids. I managed to remain cordial (infidelity was involved), all the while leading a parallel life.

[Anonymous]

Op here: I don’t think so, but it’s possible. Honestly I couldn’t care less except for the risk of an std.