Talk to me about your gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

We're in our 60s and have been married for decades and now have grown kids and grandkids. We basically live in separate houses (our city house and our second home) and are basically just never alone together. But we get together as a family all the time and when we do we manage. We even sleep in the same bed. It's not a big deal.

The kids all know that we're living separate lives now and they've adjusted fine. It is what it is. We never fight, we're very civil to each other, our finances are completely shared and open and we have no issues with any of that. Neither one of us has any interest in "dating" -- even the thought of it is laughable -- so whatever. Why divorce? There's no need for such drama. Be adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in our 60s and have been married for decades and now have grown kids and grandkids. We basically live in separate houses (our city house and our second home) and are basically just never alone together. But we get together as a family all the time and when we do we manage. We even sleep in the same bed. It's not a big deal.

The kids all know that we're living separate lives now and they've adjusted fine. It is what it is. We never fight, we're very civil to each other, our finances are completely shared and open and we have no issues with any of that. Neither one of us has any interest in "dating" -- even the thought of it is laughable -- so whatever. Why divorce? There's no need for such drama. Be adults.

This is good arrangement if you trust each other on the financial issues.

[Anonymous]

Usually the above arrangements don’t work as men want to date young women and start draining family finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless there is abuse, addiction or adultery-please try to make it work!

What if there is abuse and addiction? Some of you like to spout that phrase constantly as if none of us actually deal with those things and we are just being finicky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

It's hilarious that you think it's just 2-3 years.

People don't have to be in misery. They can-- get this-- repair their marriages! It happens and it's much, much better for everyone. Gray divorce is not the solution people like to think it is, and should only be undertaken with a very realistic understanding of the long term, and a pro financial planner.

Women don’t get the benefit of a spouse, caring for them in their old age cause most of the times that spouse is dead and many of the times the spouse will leave when they get sick or they’re just incapable.

So for man, it might be an issue but for women it’s not.

Ot would be wiser for women who become single in their late 30-40s to adopt children. If there is financial at ability for that. It’s better to raise a child and have at least some influence how the child turns out. Children are also great travel companions.

Than living with an old grumpy man who will never be your true life partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in our 60s and have been married for decades and now have grown kids and grandkids. We basically live in separate houses (our city house and our second home) and are basically just never alone together. But we get together as a family all the time and when we do we manage. We even sleep in the same bed. It's not a big deal.

The kids all know that we're living separate lives now and they've adjusted fine. It is what it is. We never fight, we're very civil to each other, our finances are completely shared and open and we have no issues with any of that. Neither one of us has any interest in "dating" -- even the thought of it is laughable -- so whatever. Why divorce? There's no need for such drama. Be adults.

Often one is not an adult. They want to date and are bad with finances.

You literally could be divorced, protect your assets and live this exact same life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

It's hilarious that you think it's just 2-3 years.

People don't have to be in misery. They can-- get this-- repair their marriages! It happens and it's much, much better for everyone. Gray divorce is not the solution people like to think it is, and should only be undertaken with a very realistic understanding of the long term, and a pro financial planner.

Women don’t get the benefit of a spouse, caring for them in their old age cause most of the times that spouse is dead and many of the times the spouse will leave when they get sick or they’re just incapable.

So for man, it might be an issue but for women it’s not.

Ot would be wiser for women who become single in their late 30-40s to adopt children. If there is financial at ability for that. It’s better to raise a child and have at least some influence how the child turns out. Children are also great travel companions.

Than living with an old grumpy man who will never be your true life partner

Adoption is wrought with too many complications. Just buy some sperm and have a baby.

But many find a great guy and have kids and the great guy breaks under the pressure of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually the above arrangements don’t work as men want to date young women and start draining family finances.

It’s about 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually the above arrangements don’t work as men want to date young women and start draining family finances.

That married/ live apart arrangement was suggested by a PhD psychologist who we saw for our NT/AS relationship.

My spouse with aspergers and bipolar II is so difficult to live with for all of us, that if he explode, at increasing frequently if his work was falling apart too.
Eventually he moved out and stops by for meals and whatever he managed to read from his emails about children activities. He’s much calmer. He simply could not handle living with kids, a spouse, and keeping a house or room decent. And would explode at any suggestion of a life change so baby stepping to moving out worked well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the above arrangements don’t work as men want to date young women and start draining family finances.

That married/ live apart arrangement was suggested by a PhD psychologist who we saw for our NT/AS relationship.

My spouse with aspergers and bipolar II is so difficult to live with for all of us, that if he explode, at increasing frequently if his work was falling apart too.
Eventually he moved out and stops by for meals and whatever he managed to read from his emails about children activities. He’s much calmer. He simply could not handle living with kids, a spouse, and keeping a house or room decent. And would explode at any suggestion of a life change so baby stepping to moving out worked well.

Is he sexually active with other women ? Bipolar men are very intense in that sense.. And any woman he dates would want eventually more than just dating . Own house, own baby, merge assets etc. So it works only for very old people who have no interest in dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're in our 60s and have been married for decades and now have grown kids and grandkids. We basically live in separate houses (our city house and our second home) and are basically just never alone together. But we get together as a family all the time and when we do we manage. We even sleep in the same bed. It's not a big deal.

The kids all know that we're living separate lives now and they've adjusted fine. It is what it is. We never fight, we're very civil to each other, our finances are completely shared and open and we have no issues with any of that. Neither one of us has any interest in "dating" -- even the thought of it is laughable -- so whatever. Why divorce? There's no need for such drama. Be adults.

Often one is not an adult. They want to date and are bad with finances.

You literally could be divorced, protect your assets and live this exact same life.

"Often" is the operative word, isn't it?

It's one thing to not know you're in the dark when it comes to something like, say, infidelity. A spouse in a long marriage can lull you into thinking there's no cheating when there actually is. You can never really know for sure.

It can be different when it comes to finances. After decades of marriage, always with completely open and joint finances, you have a long and verifiable track record to assess whether a spouse is going to be "bad with finances" in this kind of situation. Right? And if you're confident that they're not going to be, and there's no acrimony or drama -- and, again, no desire to "date" -- a better way to "protect assets" very well may be to stay married. Divorce isn't free and there are tax advantages to being married.

There's this assumption on DCUM that there's always good guy and a bad guy. But sometimes things just fizzle over time, couples grow apart, and people change. The change doesn't have to include a lost in trust or respect.

In short, yes, it's possible for a couple who have been married forever to grow apart but decide to stay married and both continue to behave like adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

It's hilarious that you think it's just 2-3 years.

People don't have to be in misery. They can-- get this-- repair their marriages! It happens and it's much, much better for everyone. Gray divorce is not the solution people like to think it is, and should only be undertaken with a very realistic understanding of the long term, and a pro financial planner.

Women don’t get the benefit of a spouse, caring for them in their old age cause most of the times that spouse is dead and many of the times the spouse will leave when they get sick or they’re just incapable.

So for man, it might be an issue but for women it’s not.

Ot would be wiser for women who become single in their late 30-40s to adopt children. If there is financial at ability for that. It’s better to raise a child and have at least some influence how the child turns out. Children are also great travel companions.

Than living with an old grumpy man who will never be your true life partner

This.

The split household seems like a good idea for people that don’t care about sex or don’t desire an actual relationship with someone else. But what if you do care about those things yet find yourself with someone who and his younger days was an amazing, great partner, but evolved to become this disconnected and grumpy old man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually the above arrangements don’t work as men want to date young women and start draining family finances.

That married/ live apart arrangement was suggested by a PhD psychologist who we saw for our NT/AS relationship.

My spouse with aspergers and bipolar II is so difficult to live with for all of us, that if he explode, at increasing frequently if his work was falling apart too.
Eventually he moved out and stops by for meals and whatever he managed to read from his emails about children activities. He’s much calmer. He simply could not handle living with kids, a spouse, and keeping a house or room decent. And would explode at any suggestion of a life change so baby stepping to moving out worked well.

Is he sexually active with other women ? Bipolar men are very intense in that sense.. And any woman he dates would want eventually more than just dating . Own house, own baby, merge assets etc. So it works only for very old people who have no interest in dating

No.
Still a work addict but goes on spurts of masking and socializing.
Kids have mentioned seeing him “light up like a normal person”, when a non family member is around, and how very odd that feels. Since he’s usually ignoring us all and silent even through dinners. Or asks others the same three questions or lectures us about work or a conference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in our 60s and have been married for decades and now have grown kids and grandkids. We basically live in separate houses (our city house and our second home) and are basically just never alone together. But we get together as a family all the time and when we do we manage. We even sleep in the same bed. It's not a big deal.

The kids all know that we're living separate lives now and they've adjusted fine. It is what it is. We never fight, we're very civil to each other, our finances are completely shared and open and we have no issues with any of that. Neither one of us has any interest in "dating" -- even the thought of it is laughable -- so whatever. Why divorce? There's no need for such drama. Be adults.

But did you despise each other whilst married or was that ok? I can see staying until the kids were out of the house if there wasn't stonewalling and contempt around every corner.

[Anonymous]

I think the question for me isn't do I stay with this person forever or leave, it's do I stay with this person for now and leave when the kids are out of the house. I feel like half my time with the kids is clouded by some resentment or issue with my spouse. Would that go away and allow me to enjoy their childhood more if he weren't around all the time?