Talk to me about your gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

So basically it was pretty darn bad, but still not bad enough for him move out before the end of high school. Consider this, OP-- that's how important staying through high school was to this family.

[Anonymous]

My divorce wasn't quite gray. I think I was about 45 when it was all finalized, but my ex was 52. I didn't date until my kiddo left for college, and I have since remarried. My ex dated immediately after we were separated but has not remarried or lived with anyone. It's been fascinating seeing how my child has dealt with my new relationship. It helps that DH is fun and generous and treats me and my entire family really well. But my child is visibly relieved that I now have someone around to "keep an eye on me," as he puts it. LOL! I hadn't realized how much he'd been worried about me being all alone in the big house he grew up in. I hadn't realized what a burden he was going to have (real or perceived) by being the only person who would be expected to help me as I get older. My ex moved to the Midwest after COVID and that's created a ton of unnecessary stress and problems for our child to deal with. Now he has to fly to two different cities over the holidays and summer as a college student. He has to coordinate this himself. And since his dad is a weirdo, he can't ever have both of us at the same gathering.

I'd definitely wait until they're finished with high school before doing anything major. And that includes dating. Kids just don't need to share the emotional space with you during their teen years. That should be the time when their first dates and first loves are the focus within the family. They're going to spend their entire adult lives having to deal with two divorced parents instead of one parental unit. At least give them a childhood without that BS if it's at all possible.

[Anonymous]

It's so true, PP. I worry all the time that my dad will slip and fall and nobody will see, and he will freeze and die. Even people who hate each other's guts will call 911. And that's really a valuable thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents get way less time with me, and with my kids. This doesn't seem to bother them, but I think it's sad.

My parents consider the divorce in the past and refuse to see how it affects me now. It's in the present for me, and while they can make polite conversation a few times a year, it's still hard. There is no Amicable Divorce Retirement Home where you get two units for the price of one. There is no airline where you get trips to two locations for the price of one because the divorce is "over" in the eyes of your parents. Financially it was very harmful to both of them, and now that they're older and running out of money, it affects them even if they're not willing to admit it.

Eyes wide open, OP.

Why did they divorce?

I'm the same PP with two posts, but you asked twice so I'll respond twice.

My parents are just incompatible in a lot of ways. They would each read you a list of complaints about the other, but ultimately it boils down to personality. I'm not even sure I know the whole story tbh. Yes there was cheating but I view that as a symptom as well as a precipitating cause. They say a list of the other person's faults as a justification, but the bottom line is that doesn't make the other consequences go away, and it doesn't make their new marriages happy.

I think you need to understand the down sides of divorce, which are quite serious. You may end up just as unhappily married to someone new, but with less money and a stepfamily, potentially some real problem stepkids. Your teens/young adults may really dislike having a stepfamily to the point where they refuse to live with you at all, or refuse to live with their other parent and you have them 100%-- and despite on-paper custody agreements in the real world there is little you can do about it. Really think through stuff like that because once you divorce there's really no undoing this.

So no mental disorders or unreliability or bad habits or prone to arguing instead of problem solving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents get way less time with me, and with my kids. This doesn't seem to bother them, but I think it's sad.

My parents consider the divorce in the past and refuse to see how it affects me now. It's in the present for me, and while they can make polite conversation a few times a year, it's still hard. There is no Amicable Divorce Retirement Home where you get two units for the price of one. There is no airline where you get trips to two locations for the price of one because the divorce is "over" in the eyes of your parents. Financially it was very harmful to both of them, and now that they're older and running out of money, it affects them even if they're not willing to admit it.

Eyes wide open, OP.

Why did they divorce?

I'm the same PP with two posts, but you asked twice so I'll respond twice.

My parents are just incompatible in a lot of ways. They would each read you a list of complaints about the other, but ultimately it boils down to personality. I'm not even sure I know the whole story tbh. Yes there was cheating but I view that as a symptom as well as a precipitating cause. They say a list of the other person's faults as a justification, but the bottom line is that doesn't make the other consequences go away, and it doesn't make their new marriages happy.

I think you need to understand the down sides of divorce, which are quite serious. You may end up just as unhappily married to someone new, but with less money and a stepfamily, potentially some real problem stepkids. Your teens/young adults may really dislike having a stepfamily to the point where they refuse to live with you at all, or refuse to live with their other parent and you have them 100%-- and despite on-paper custody agreements in the real world there is little you can do about it. Really think through stuff like that because once you divorce there's really no undoing this.

So no mental disorders or unreliability or bad habits or prone to arguing instead of problem solving?

Well, I dunno, I mean everyone has those traits somewhat... I will say they wanted different lifestyles in middle adulthood but neither lifestyle would be bad or wrong if the couple could agree. Like homebody vs traveler, having pets vs not, that kinda thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

Okay... You say that now. But still you're dumping care for your ex on your kids. I guess they could estrange but that's putting your children to a very hard choice.

The more awful you tell us your ex is, the harder it's going to be for your kids to deal with him in your stead. That's what you're choosing for them.

I think the most important thing in gray divorce is to be clear-eyed, see things for what they are (especially finances) and own that it impacts others in many ways. Denying it will make your kids lose respect for you.

Oh well, that’s what having a dud as a father gets you.

Dumped on or you set strong boundaries and let him dump on himself.

-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I refused to live with my mom, so did 100% with my dad, and he was out of town a lot for work. So I had way too much fun doing things you wouldn't want your kids doing. My mom had a hard time coping with this loss of control over me, but there was nothing she could do about most of it. Think it through, OP. It's a good reason to wait until high school is done.

So cool how you supposedly chose custody time with the absentee/ do whatever you want non parent parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

So basically it was pretty darn bad, but still not bad enough for him move out before the end of high school. Consider this, OP-- that's how important staying through high school was to this family.

Maybe he liked the free food and childcare, plus continued to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father diede when I was a teenager. I was very happy that my mother found a new partner a few years later. The fact that a new partner came into the picture never had a negative impact on me or my family. I find it ridiculous when grown adults here on the forum complain that their divorced parents no longer provided their adult children with an ideal family life.

+1

It is pathetic seeing grown adults complain about their parents' divorces. My father is getting married soon for the 5th time at 64, and my mother has been married to her third husband for 21 years. My siblings and I have never complained about that—half-siblings, step-siblings, stepmoms or dads, etc. We’ve always rolled with the punches. It’s just part of life. We get along, and we’re happy as long as they’re happy. It’s frustrating when people still cling to the idea that parents' marriages should be 'one and done.' Sometimes, happiness comes in different forms, and we’ve accepted that, and prefer our parents experience happiness, not give up their happiness and will to live due to a past marriage or kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan to have expensive long-term health insurance and am saving for that now so my kids won't be burdened with those issues in old age. A nurse will come to my home as needed. There could still be things that come up but I'm hoping it won't be the same as what you're going through.

Okay... You say that now. But still you're dumping care for your ex on your kids. I guess they could estrange but that's putting your children to a very hard choice.

The more awful you tell us your ex is, the harder it's going to be for your kids to deal with him in your stead. That's what you're choosing for them.

I think the most important thing in gray divorce is to be clear-eyed, see things for what they are (especially finances) and own that it impacts others in many ways. Denying it will make your kids lose respect for you.

Oh well, that’s what having a dud as a father gets you.

Dumped on or you set strong boundaries and let him dump on himself.

-NP

Right, I just magically have a dud of a father and my mom's choices played no role in that happening...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father diede when I was a teenager. I was very happy that my mother found a new partner a few years later. The fact that a new partner came into the picture never had a negative impact on me or my family. I find it ridiculous when grown adults here on the forum complain that their divorced parents no longer provided their adult children with an ideal family life.

+1

It is pathetic seeing grown adults complain about their parents' divorces. My father is getting married soon for the 5th time at 64, and my mother has been married to her third husband for 21 years. My siblings and I have never complained about that—half-siblings, step-siblings, stepmoms or dads, etc. We’ve always rolled with the punches. It’s just part of life. We get along, and we’re happy as long as they’re happy. It’s frustrating when people still cling to the idea that parents' marriages should be 'one and done.' Sometimes, happiness comes in different forms, and we’ve accepted that, and prefer our parents experience happiness, not give up their happiness and will to live due to a past marriage or kids.

Oh come on. If your parents are happy in all their marriages, great. If they aren't financially wrecked by their divorces, yay. But not everyone is so lucky
And not everyone has the same tolerance for.people making dumb choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I refused to live with my mom, so did 100% with my dad, and he was out of town a lot for work. So I had way too much fun doing things you wouldn't want your kids doing. My mom had a hard time coping with this loss of control over me, but there was nothing she could do about most of it. Think it through, OP. It's a good reason to wait until high school is done.

So cool how you supposedly chose custody time with the absentee/ do whatever you want non parent parent.

Well no,.he was and is a good parent. They just disagreed about what was age-appropriate and didn't know of my shenanigans because I kept it a secret. The point for OP is, she needs to consider this loss of control and loss of custody time. Because it's very very hard to force a teen onto a custody schedule they hate.

[Anonymous]

I waited until youngest started college. This was better for the kids. But I was profoundly lonely and depressed for years. Overall I'm glad I waited, but divorced life has been much better for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H cheated and the kids found out so …

1. There was no “arguing” before but he was intense,

2. He moved to a guest room

3. He did tons of therapy.

4. He lived in the guest room until the youngest went to college which was 4 years.

5. Day to day nothing really changed since we were both there and there was no arguing.

6. When the youngest went to college he mixed out. I bought him out.

7. We are amicable so we do holidays together and went together for college visits.

8. We had done couples therapy but he was not willing to not be intense so I did individual therapy to deal with it. I did a year of therapy post d-day but I was a bit relieved to have a “valid” reason.

I’m 58 now happily living alone and not dating and my life is happy, full and peaceful.

So basically it was pretty darn bad, but still not bad enough for him move out before the end of high school. Consider this, OP-- that's how important staying through high school was to this family.

lol you read into this that it was “pretty darn bad”? Where exactly did u get that part?

We had a great life and relationship. The biggest issue was that he was intense. We still do all family things together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage has been up and down for 12 years. A few months are ok, then we're back to terrible... then we really want to work on it, then a fundamental disagreement happens and it's stonewalling and contempt. It's never ending and exhausting.

At this point I'm trying to hold off divorce for the sake of the kids, at least until they're in late high school or college. That's about 6 more years. For context, the kids don't see the worst of us (arguments happen when they're not home) and DH and I always come together to support our family unit. That said, we're not affectionate to each other and the kids I'm sure can see that there is tension between us.

For those of you who waited until your kids were older or adults, are you glad you waited, for their sake, logistically, financially or otherwise? Or do you wish you would have done it sooner? Why? Has it impacted your kids? Similarly, if your parents had a gray divorce, how has that impacted you if at all?

Separated in late 2018 after 16 years. Divorce finalized in early 2020. Two girls, 16 and 14 at the time.

Marriage had been bad for a long time. Many reasons for this I won't get into, but suffice it to say I had considered divorce when the kids were younger but didn't believe the courts would be fair on custody and didn't want to be a Wednesday and every-other-weekend father. We moved, in part because of the financial stress of her repeatedly running up credit cards even while avoiding getting a job, in part because I think we thought it might save the marriage. It didn't.

The circumstances leading to acting on separation and divorce were rather traumatizing. They involved her infidelity including a great deal of limerance (even so far as buying herself a "promise" ring to wear for the other man, which she proceeded to wear in front of me and the kids on Christmas). My oldest, who has some mental health problems, spiraled and it hurt our relationship because she would demand answers from me about what happened and I wouldn't talk to her about it because there was no way to do so without appearing to disparage her mother. High school was rocky -- in and out of partial hospitalization programs. But, we survived and both kids got into good Virginia universities and eventually thrived.

For me, I did feel a period of liberation in which I was happy to discover I was still desirable after seven years of no sex; I had resigned myself to that before the divorce, because keeping an intact family was my priority. I did date, but only when my kids were on their mothers' custody time. Although that got harder because over time, they were with me 90% of the time even though custody was 50/50 on paper. I finally met someone special during my youngest's daughter's senior year in high school. We recently got married (DD is in college now).

Financially, it was devastating -- money on lawyers and a private investigator to prove the affair, etc. Although I settled rather than put the kids through court testimony, etc., so asset split (i.e., she got half of mine but didn't really have anything to offer because she reneged on promises to return to work). I'm finally starting to recover.

Bottom line: It was harrowing for several years in terms of emotion, relationships with teenage children and challenges with their mental health and finances. Things are stable now and life is better. But it was rough sailing to get here.

I don't really know how my ex is. I'm civil to her but I also don't really care what she does, other than the fact that she is the mother of my children.

You must be gay.

You sound like a festering, rancid twat.

Straight men don’t post your drivel. I know you don’t like women so it’s no surprise the insult you used. On top of that, you provided more so that I was correct. No straight man uses the words festering or twat.
Just own it. It’s accepted now.

Oh, my sweet summer child. I'm as straight as they come. And I came in or on many, many chicks, especially after my divorce.

But you cling to your delusion, mkay? It's weird how you think accusing me of being gay is either clever or devastating.