Talk to me about your gray divorce?

[Anonymous]

My gray divorce has worked out fine. We realized that spending another 25 years together wasn’t a life either of us wanted. Both of us see our young adult children a lot and there is no animosity. I did a lot of dating after the divorce and definitely explored my sexuality and now I’m in a nice relationship with a guy a few years younger than me and life is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My gray divorce has worked out fine. We realized that spending another 25 years together wasn’t a life either of us wanted. Both of us see our young adult children a lot and there is no animosity. I did a lot of dating after the divorce and definitely explored my sexuality and now I’m in a nice relationship with a guy a few years younger than me and life is good.

OP here. Haven't posted anything since my last post that I identified myself BTW.

When did you do the gray divorce? Were your kids out of the house or still in school?

[Anonymous]

It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

I'm wealthy my kids will get several million inheritance each. I'm sure they'll remember to hire a nurse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

It's hilarious that you think it's just 2-3 years.

People don't have to be in misery. They can-- get this-- repair their marriages! It happens and it's much, much better for everyone. Gray divorce is not the solution people like to think it is, and should only be undertaken with a very realistic understanding of the long term, and a pro financial planner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are really making the case for gray divorce being awesome. How about taking some responsibility that you chose an awful person to have children with, and now your children are experiencing the consequences? Because estranging *is* a consequence.

You are either an extremely anxious “everything is my fault” person, or you are full of it. Each parent has an individual responsibility to their children. If one is not pulling their weight, the way to deal with it is cut your losses, not to become a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My divorce wasn't quite gray. I think I was about 45 when it was all finalized, but my ex was 52. I didn't date until my kiddo left for college, and I have since remarried. My ex dated immediately after we were separated but has not remarried or lived with anyone. It's been fascinating seeing how my child has dealt with my new relationship. It helps that DH is fun and generous and treats me and my entire family really well. But my child is visibly relieved that I now have someone around to "keep an eye on me," as he puts it. LOL! I hadn't realized how much he'd been worried about me being all alone in the big house he grew up in. I hadn't realized what a burden he was going to have (real or perceived) by being the only person who would be expected to help me as I get older. My ex moved to the Midwest after COVID and that's created a ton of unnecessary stress and problems for our child to deal with. Now he has to fly to two different cities over the holidays and summer as a college student. He has to coordinate this himself. And since his dad is a weirdo, he can't ever have both of us at the same gathering.

I'd definitely wait until they're finished with high school before doing anything major. And that includes dating. Kids just don't need to share the emotional space with you during their teen years. That should be the time when their first dates and first loves are the focus within the family. They're going to spend their entire adult lives having to deal with two divorced parents instead of one parental unit. At least give them a childhood without that BS if it's at all possible.

Unless your new husband is younger you will be still the ward of your child for end of life care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

It's hilarious that you think it's just 2-3 years.

People don't have to be in misery. They can-- get this-- repair their marriages! It happens and it's much, much better for everyone. Gray divorce is not the solution people like to think it is, and should only be undertaken with a very realistic understanding of the long term, and a pro financial planner.

1. I am a woman and eldercare for mothers still fall on children (husbands die first)
2. People divorce when marriages can't be repaired. It's sad that you think your mother had to deal with her jerk husband./your dad for the rest of her life trying to "repair" an abuser, just so you won't need to arrange care for 2 households.

Just call Medicaid and spend down their individual assets to zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

It's hilarious that you think it's just 2-3 years.

People don't have to be in misery. They can-- get this-- repair their marriages! It happens and it's much, much better for everyone. Gray divorce is not the solution people like to think it is, and should only be undertaken with a very realistic understanding of the long term, and a pro financial planner.

I divorced because I started having serious health issues living with now my now exH. Chronic sadness, arguments, resentment leads to depression and other deceases. My exH mother died at 47 from cancer because they had a terrible marriage and always argued with his father.

Depression is deadly. I'm sure nobody divorces unless it's safer for them to simply stay alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's funny how people think saying they're fine *now* is a complete answer. For my parents, the hard part came in old age when the financial damage of divorce meant they ran out of money sooner and their health meant they needed more help from me.

Everyone says "I'll hire a nurse". Well no you won't, because you can't afford it, and at a certain point you might be so far gone that you don't even understand the concept of a nurse or recognize one when they visit.

Funny you think people need at nurse in their 50s. Most women are active and sane until age 80. No point to waste 20-30 years of retirement with person you hate or resent.

I’m so so happy single ! I travel a lot, my mother is 75 and still skies. Just went to a trip around the world.

My exH cheated and we divorced when I was 45. I’m now 48 and feel it’s such a relief ! He was a burden we had little in common and I’m glad he won’t be my dependent in his senior years. He’s older

You're missing the point. OP didn't ask "How is your gray divorce in your 50s and it doesn't matter how it is after that". Grav divorce means you may be divorced for the entire rest of your life. Focusing on the near term and ignoring the rest of your decades is foolish and screws over your kids.

Nobody would agree to misery for 20-30 years just so their kids could be free of elderly care for 2-3 years. There are Medicaid facilities if you feel like your parents betrayed you by divorcing

It's hilarious that you think it's just 2-3 years.

People don't have to be in misery. They can-- get this-- repair their marriages! It happens and it's much, much better for everyone. Gray divorce is not the solution people like to think it is, and should only be undertaken with a very realistic understanding of the long term, and a pro financial planner.

It takes two people to repair a marriage.

Even from this thread alone it seems that the adult children readily admit that at least one of their parents is a jerk, and their main problem is that they now have to deal with a jerk. If learning to communicate (or whatever else you suggest to repair the relationship) is such a powerful cure, you do it and all your troubles will go away.

[Anonymous]

If it's worth it to you, go for it. But count the cost financially and in how it impacts your kids. Hope you like dating people with plenty of baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's worth it to you, go for it. But count the cost financially and in how it impacts your kids. Hope you like dating people with plenty of baggage.

Why everyone thinks people divorce in order to date? That was the last item on my list of reasons. I divorced to get my life back!