DH doesn’t like sex - I am sad and lost

[Anonymous]

The thing about having low testosterone is you don’t recognize the issue, in the same way a person having command hallucinations doesn’t recognize that it’s not normal to have command hallucinations.
There are male anti-aging clinics and testosterone clinics everywhere now, consultations are cheap and the medication won’t break the bank either, if he’s squeamish about needles there are gels and creams that can be applied once or twice a day.

Almost every man I know who got himself on testosterone says that they don’t even recognize the person they were four months prior, there are definitely some deep behavioral grooves he will need to rewrite but there is help.

Of course I don’t know your husband or what he would respond to but you need to place a proverbial gun to his head to get him to a clinic, there will be a blood draw and a consultation about two weeks later at which they will recommend a course of treatment, there’s going to be some figuring out of the right dose but once it clicks and he has the best week of his life he’ll be sold and you may get the life you wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing about having low testosterone is you don’t recognize the issue, in the same way a person having command hallucinations doesn’t recognize that it’s not normal to have command hallucinations.
There are male anti-aging clinics and testosterone clinics everywhere now, consultations are cheap and the medication won’t break the bank either, if he’s squeamish about needles there are gels and creams that can be applied once or twice a day.

Almost every man I know who got himself on testosterone says that they don’t even recognize the person they were four months prior, there are definitely some deep behavioral grooves he will need to rewrite but there is help.

Of course I don’t know your husband or what he would respond to but you need to place a proverbial gun to his head to get him to a clinic, there will be a blood draw and a consultation about two weeks later at which they will recommend a course of treatment, there’s going to be some figuring out of the right dose but once it clicks and he has the best week of his life he’ll be sold and you may get the life you wanted.

I don't know anything about testosterone, its lower-order effects or the effects of deficiency so this is interesting...

I wonder if it would help my darling, underemployed man get a job or turn one of his small freelance gigs into something more. He has so many ideas. He "works' on his own little projects all the time, but doesn't seem to be able to commit to one and turn it into steady income. Before he was laid off two years ago, he was a hard worker. And he still works hard, just not productively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have sympathy for all the women here in sexless marriages.

Is it an ED issue for you? In other words, if they could longer have PIV and Viagra (doesn't work all the time and for everyone) fails to help, would you be okay on other forms of sex and intimacy.

The reason I ask this question is that I have noticed when I have sex with a woman and I don't ejaculate she feels as if either I didn't enjoy it or I am into her etc. I feel like for us men when it comes to sex women expect us to always be ready wrong erection, ejaculation etc...Or is it just a perception that's wrong?

Yes! I would love for there to be intimacy. It doesn’t have to be PIV. I mean we have no intimacy now. Other forms of touch especially sensual. Touch are very loving intimate and connected. That’s the piece that’s missing. Yeah do I wanna be railed, sure do! Would I be happy just knowing my husband desired me and we could be close that would also be really nice.

I’ve asked him to use toys with me and sensual massage and he says he will, but it never happens. Ive tried to introduce bsdm. With him choosing roles. Nothing. I’d love oral it would be amazing. I’ve had boyfriends that had ED and that’s all we did. It was beautiful and I felt so loved/wanted. It’s the connection that’s missing .

Before it got bad, yeah I associated lack of erection with lack of desire. I was used to being responded to with great enthusiasm in the past.

And I spent years giving blowjobs and no reciprocal handies to him, hoping it’s some way he would get over this no pun intended hump (slump). Nothing worked to keep things consistently going and never initiation from him. Eventually I just rolled over and stopped asking. He’s become asexual. I have not.

So yeah I’d be into anything that signaled his interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have sympathy for all the women here in sexless marriages.

Is it an ED issue for you? In other words, if they could longer have PIV and Viagra (doesn't work all the time and for everyone) fails to help, would you be okay on other forms of sex and intimacy.

The reason I ask this question is that I have noticed when I have sex with a woman and I don't ejaculate she feels as if either I didn't enjoy it or I am into her etc. I feel like for us men when it comes to sex women expect us to always be ready wrong erection, ejaculation etc...Or is it just a perception that's wrong?

I definitely associate erection with arousal. If my partner can't get it up, it very much feels like he's not into me. He says otherwise, but his heart rate doesn't go up, his eyes don't go glassy... all that physiological stuff that signals sexual interest is absent. And that's a big turnoff.

I posted above about being in a mostly sexless marriage with my best friend, who I would not leave over sex. He's always willing to focus on me, but it's clear he isn't aroused. And that's most of what gets ME going. So if he's not into it, I'm not into it. And yes, I have tried many times to forge ahead and hope he catches up. He rarely does. And after, it's like he just had a good meal or something. No woozy pillow talk, no sweaty snuggling, just "that was great babe, good night!" Ugh, I don't even like thinking about how I feel after one-sided sex.

Look up "mindfulness". I think he is "absent" during sex. He needs to learn to be present. "Mindfulness" teaches you to be present. It's very hard though. It requires dedication and patience.

It helped me regained my sexual mojo back. In the past when I had sex as soon as I came I got and just didn't want to even touch my partner I was just done. Sometimes during sex I would have partial erections sometimes no erection. Sex was like a chore to please my partner. I saw therapist no help. I saw a urologist no help. Viagra Cialis didn't help. I was at loss until I saw a post on Reddit about "mindfulness".

NP. I have tried to express this to my partner. He’s so disassociated from himself he doesn’t even understand that he is.

Genuinely happy you found the connection.

[Anonymous]

I had my T tested, as I noticed libido dropping the last few years. Early 50s. It was indeed down, but doctor said that was normal. It's called middle age. He didn't recommend I take any medication for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here: this answer sums up my relationship at the moment. And to the poster who asked ED is not an issue, he can get an E just not interested, it feels like it is too much of an effort. And when sex happened it would just be turn to the side and good night.
And yes, inevitably this sexual frustration spills over to other parts of our marriage, so as you can imagine, it is a mess and it feels like a chaotic whirlwind at times.

Anonymous wrote:I have sympathy for all the women here in sexless marriages.

Is it an ED issue for you? In other words, if they could longer have PIV and Viagra (doesn't work all the time and for everyone) fails to help, would you be okay on other forms of sex and intimacy.

The reason I ask this question is that I have noticed when I have sex with a woman and I don't ejaculate she feels as if either I didn't enjoy it or I am into her etc. I feel like for us men when it comes to sex women expect us to always be ready wrong erection, ejaculation etc...Or is it just a perception that's wrong?

Yes! I would love for there to be intimacy. It doesn’t have to be PIV. I mean we have no intimacy now. Other forms of touch especially sensual. Touch are very loving intimate and connected. That’s the piece that’s missing. Yeah do I wanna be railed, sure do! Would I be happy just knowing my husband desired me and we could be close that would also be really nice.

I’ve asked him to use toys with me and sensual massage and he says he will, but it never happens. Ive tried to introduce bsdm. With him choosing roles. Nothing. I’d love oral it would be amazing. I’ve had boyfriends that had ED and that’s all we did. It was beautiful and I felt so loved/wanted. It’s the connection that’s missing .

Before it got bad, yeah I associated lack of erection with lack of desire. I was used to being responded to with great enthusiasm in the past.

And I spent years giving blowjobs and no reciprocal handies to him, hoping it’s some way he would get over this no pun intended hump (slump). Nothing worked to keep things consistently going and never initiation from him. Eventually I just rolled over and stopped asking. He’s become asexual. I have not.

So yeah I’d be into anything that signaled his interest.

[Anonymous]

Need more info. Tell us more about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have sympathy for all the women here in sexless marriages.

Is it an ED issue for you? In other words, if they could longer have PIV and Viagra (doesn't work all the time and for everyone) fails to help, would you be okay on other forms of sex and intimacy.

The reason I ask this question is that I have noticed when I have sex with a woman and I don't ejaculate she feels as if either I didn't enjoy it or I am into her etc. I feel like for us men when it comes to sex women expect us to always be ready wrong erection, ejaculation etc...Or is it just a perception that's wrong?

Yes! I would love for there to be intimacy. It doesn’t have to be PIV. I mean we have no intimacy now. Other forms of touch especially sensual. Touch are very loving intimate and connected. That’s the piece that’s missing. Yeah do I wanna be railed, sure do! Would I be happy just knowing my husband desired me and we could be close that would also be really nice.

I’ve asked him to use toys with me and sensual massage and he says he will, but it never happens. Ive tried to introduce bsdm. With him choosing roles. Nothing. I’d love oral it would be amazing. I’ve had boyfriends that had ED and that’s all we did. It was beautiful and I felt so loved/wanted. It’s the connection that’s missing .

Before it got bad, yeah I associated lack of erection with lack of desire. I was used to being responded to with great enthusiasm in the past.

And I spent years giving blowjobs and no reciprocal handies to him, hoping it’s some way he would get over this no pun intended hump (slump). Nothing worked to keep things consistently going and never initiation from him. Eventually I just rolled over and stopped asking. He’s become asexual. I have not.

So yeah I’d be into anything that signaled his interest.

Wow you are not asking much that's a really low bar to clear. You wanna be caressed, eaten out, f**d in all kind of positions that's basic sex. I am sorry.

Have you tried being more kinky? For example wearing a dress and no panties on and whispering in his ears about it, or lifting your dress to show him or asking him to feel your wet vagina.

I am not trying to be "fresh" but we are adults here and sex is healthy and amazing. And when you have a spouse sex is even more exciting because there is no limit to experimenting as long as both are comfortable

[Anonymous]

OP here: when you feel unwanted and rejected it not only hurts but it creates (over time) resentment. So, as much as I know seduction would be a way to get things going (for at least one night, etc) I just resent the rejection and don’t want to make the move.it is complicated, and deep, and I know we need help.

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. If you don’t want to open up the marriage, you would have to work harder to seduce him. You need to things that will arouse him. He has fantasies, everyone does. Talk openly about them. It will save your sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have sympathy for all the women here in sexless marriages.

Is it an ED issue for you? In other words, if they could longer have PIV and Viagra (doesn't work all the time and for everyone) fails to help, would you be okay on other forms of sex and intimacy.

The reason I ask this question is that I have noticed when I have sex with a woman and I don't ejaculate she feels as if either I didn't enjoy it or I am into her etc. I feel like for us men when it comes to sex women expect us to always be ready wrong erection, ejaculation etc...Or is it just a perception that's wrong?

Yes! I would love for there to be intimacy. It doesn’t have to be PIV. I mean we have no intimacy now. Other forms of touch especially sensual. Touch are very loving intimate and connected. That’s the piece that’s missing. Yeah do I wanna be railed, sure do! Would I be happy just knowing my husband desired me and we could be close that would also be really nice.

I’ve asked him to use toys with me and sensual massage and he says he will, but it never happens. Ive tried to introduce bsdm. With him choosing roles. Nothing. I’d love oral it would be amazing. I’ve had boyfriends that had ED and that’s all we did. It was beautiful and I felt so loved/wanted. It’s the connection that’s missing .

Before it got bad, yeah I associated lack of erection with lack of desire. I was used to being responded to with great enthusiasm in the past.

And I spent years giving blowjobs and no reciprocal handies to him, hoping it’s some way he would get over this no pun intended hump (slump). Nothing worked to keep things consistently going and never initiation from him. Eventually I just rolled over and stopped asking. He’s become asexual. I have not.

So yeah I’d be into anything that signaled his interest.

Wow you are not asking much that's a really low bar to clear. You wanna be caressed, eaten out, f**d in all kind of positions that's basic sex. I am sorry.

Have you tried being more kinky? For example wearing a dress and no panties on and whispering in his ears about it, or lifting your dress to show him or asking him to feel your wet vagina.

I am not trying to be "fresh" but we are adults here and sex is healthy and amazing. And when you have a spouse sex is even more exciting because there is no limit to experimenting as long as both are comfortable

Oh honey, of course I’ve tried all that. Multiple times. I’ve grabbed his junk and walked him around the house like a dog too…he loved it. We had two minutes of sex that fell apart after I stopped directly stimulating him. I made no big deal about it and he yawned in my face. It’s a him thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have sympathy for all the women here in sexless marriages.

Is it an ED issue for you? In other words, if they could longer have PIV and Viagra (doesn't work all the time and for everyone) fails to help, would you be okay on other forms of sex and intimacy.

The reason I ask this question is that I have noticed when I have sex with a woman and I don't ejaculate she feels as if either I didn't enjoy it or I am into her etc. I feel like for us men when it comes to sex women expect us to always be ready wrong erection, ejaculation etc...Or is it just a perception that's wrong?

Yes! I would love for there to be intimacy. It doesn’t have to be PIV. I mean we have no intimacy now. Other forms of touch especially sensual. Touch are very loving intimate and connected. That’s the piece that’s missing. Yeah do I wanna be railed, sure do! Would I be happy just knowing my husband desired me and we could be close that would also be really nice.

I’ve asked him to use toys with me and sensual massage and he says he will, but it never happens. Ive tried to introduce bsdm. With him choosing roles. Nothing. I’d love oral it would be amazing. I’ve had boyfriends that had ED and that’s all we did. It was beautiful and I felt so loved/wanted. It’s the connection that’s missing .

Before it got bad, yeah I associated lack of erection with lack of desire. I was used to being responded to with great enthusiasm in the past.

And I spent years giving blowjobs and no reciprocal handies to him, hoping it’s some way he would get over this no pun intended hump (slump). Nothing worked to keep things consistently going and never initiation from him. Eventually I just rolled over and stopped asking. He’s become asexual. I have not.

So yeah I’d be into anything that signaled his interest.

Wow you are not asking much that's a really low bar to clear. You wanna be caressed, eaten out, f**d in all kind of positions that's basic sex. I am sorry.

Have you tried being more kinky? For example wearing a dress and no panties on and whispering in his ears about it, or lifting your dress to show him or asking him to feel your wet vagina.

I am not trying to be "fresh" but we are adults here and sex is healthy and amazing. And when you have a spouse sex is even more exciting because there is no limit to experimenting as long as both are comfortable

Oh honey, of course I’ve tried all that. Multiple times. I’ve grabbed his junk and walked him around the house like a dog too…he loved it. We had two minutes of sex that fell apart after I stopped directly stimulating him. I made no big deal about it and he yawned in my face. It’s a him thing.

Also OP…I’m not trying to hijack your thread at all. The “have you tried…” chorus is always so well meaning and often unaware of how exhausting those responses are (to me). You may find them helpful and I apologize for any getting in the way of your conversation. Kindly stepping away. Wishing you well.

[Anonymous]

I'll say this as a married man. Any man who doesn't have any kind of health problems that prevent him from having sex and is voluntarily choosing not to have sex with his wife should immediately divorce her because he is robbing her of her happiness. Just because you are married to someone doesn't mean they have to sacrifice their happiness for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Might have to give him a little shove in the HRT direction if he's just never getting around to it. There's a lot of bro-sciencey things on the internet about it but here's the least painful way to do it.

Get him to agree to onboard with an online provider, there are a few popular ones (Defy has been around a long time). He will have to take labs through labcorp (blood), and a physical (you can even get one from CVS/Target). They will give you options for delivery mechanism (SubQ injections are ideal, especially if you have kids, compared to gels as this limits any potential exposure to them). They will send everything in the mail, minus alcohol swabs. He will have some follow ups.

It takes 5 minutes a week to do two injections. Ask him if he feels better after a few months. If Low T was the major issue he will have more energy, better mood, better athletic performance, concentration, and sex drive.

The downside with in person providers is they will try and extract more money from you by forcing you to come in and get injections from them. It is also more difficult to get a Rx from a GP, as they don't care if you are on the extreme low end of T. Perhaps if you laid it all out for him and got the ball rolling he will accommodate.

No need for HRT. Just hit the gym 4 times a week. Focus on compound lifts squat, bench, row, pull ups, deadlift. And in cardio..and you are good to go. I am 53 and want sex everyday. But DW wants it 3 or 4 times a week and that works for us.

Thanks for the useless advice from the stay-at-home, unemployed dad.

Next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here: you’re both wrong. I am not a victim, I chose to be in this relationship, and I chose to stay faithful. I had opportunities not to, and I never took them, and if I did I would not use my relationship status to rationalize it. I would do it because I wanted to. I would need no excuses.
I used the forum mostly to vent, not to harvest sympathy, although they are heartfelt, but I wanted to hear other people’s perspective, curious if others were on the same boat, very curious if other men are in the same situation as my DH and perhaps could give me some insight. I don’t want any man, I want him and want him to desire me. Simple, no?! Ha!

Anonymous wrote:She is just setting up for an AP. My ex AP use to victimize a lot. She just wanted d, and rationalize her desires and wants this way. Scary...

Keep in mind for women everything they do is justify. I'll admit as men we do stupid things everyday and will admin we are just wrong. For women it's different. If they ever step out it's never their fault. Someone likely the DH pushed them. The DH bought the condoms..the DH opened the condom, put it on the AP penis and put into his DW's vagina. Don't blame her. Blame the DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have sympathy for all the women here in sexless marriages.

Is it an ED issue for you? In other words, if they could longer have PIV and Viagra (doesn't work all the time and for everyone) fails to help, would you be okay on other forms of sex and intimacy.

The reason I ask this question is that I have noticed when I have sex with a woman and I don't ejaculate she feels as if either I didn't enjoy it or I am into her etc. I feel like for us men when it comes to sex women expect us to always be ready wrong erection, ejaculation etc...Or is it just a perception that's wrong?

Yes! I would love for there to be intimacy. It doesn’t have to be PIV. I mean we have no intimacy now. Other forms of touch especially sensual. Touch are very loving intimate and connected. That’s the piece that’s missing. Yeah do I wanna be railed, sure do! Would I be happy just knowing my husband desired me and we could be close that would also be really nice.

I’ve asked him to use toys with me and sensual massage and he says he will, but it never happens. Ive tried to introduce bsdm. With him choosing roles. Nothing. I’d love oral it would be amazing. I’ve had boyfriends that had ED and that’s all we did. It was beautiful and I felt so loved/wanted. It’s the connection that’s missing .

Before it got bad, yeah I associated lack of erection with lack of desire. I was used to being responded to with great enthusiasm in the past.

And I spent years giving blowjobs and no reciprocal handies to him, hoping it’s some way he would get over this no pun intended hump (slump). Nothing worked to keep things consistently going and never initiation from him. Eventually I just rolled over and stopped asking. He’s become asexual. I have not.

So yeah I’d be into anything that signaled his interest.

Wow you are not asking much that's a really low bar to clear. You wanna be caressed, eaten out, f**d in all kind of positions that's basic sex. I am sorry.

Have you tried being more kinky? For example wearing a dress and no panties on and whispering in his ears about it, or lifting your dress to show him or asking him to feel your wet vagina.

I am not trying to be "fresh" but we are adults here and sex is healthy and amazing. And when you have a spouse sex is even more exciting because there is no limit to experimenting as long as both are comfortable

Oh honey, of course I’ve tried all that. Multiple times. I’ve grabbed his junk and walked him around the house like a dog too…he loved it. We had two minutes of sex that fell apart after I stopped directly stimulating him. I made no big deal about it and he yawned in my face. It’s a him thing.

It's a HIM problem. He needs individual therapy preferably with a male therapist.