DH doesn’t like sex - I am sad and lost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband of many years does not like sex. I love sex. We have elementary school age kids and parenting is very stressful, but his lack of a sexual appetite pre-dates our children. I have not had sex in more than a year, maybe almost two, I stopped tracking it, it was too depressing. He never initiates it, I feel unwanted and rejected. It is a terribly sad feeling. He has low testosterone levels but does not seek medical assistance to help increase them. I have lost count of how many times I have opened up to him how much this hurts me and our marriage. I believe I initiated probably 90% of all our sexual interactions when we had them. The same way I am the one to plans date nights (they are very rare), vacations, kids lives, etc. He is sympathetic when we talk about this, but NOTHING changes. He tells me he loves me and loves our life and our family. I crave sex, I feel that I am still too young (mid 40s) and full of life to accept that my sexual life is just want I can help myself with. I am sad and lost. He is a good father, a good guy, and we have a good life (minus this major crack that the lack of intimacy brings into my life). I feel lonely, I know he has been depressed lately due to his aging parents issues, and I don’t know what to do to turn things around. I am tired and feel defeated. I am embarrassed to admit that I feel good when men look at me, observe me, I feel like my husband does not see me at all. It is a terrible feeling, and a very sad one, because I have loved him fiercely for all these years, and now I am questioning that I feel for him, and I have no intention of breaking up our family.

There is the problem right there, out in the open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but:

- it’s likely he has low - T. Is he otherwise low energy or often down/ depressed? These are symptoms of it.

In any event, you deserve better, OP.

+ 1.

Your husband denying you this type of affection and love is a form of emotional abuse.

Yep. and it the roles were reversed .. Your man would not go for a sexless marriage... But ok.

[Anonymous]

OP here: no, he is not gay, if that were the case it would be an explanation, but it is not, and no, I am not in denial.
He is just a man with very low sex drive, and who is content with other things besides sex. We fell in love young and sex was good and often, and in our early 30s as we started getting serious in our careers and stress was at the highest, his sexual appetite started decreasing. And it only lowered from there for him. Although hooking up with other people sounds erotic and exciting, this is not what I am after, I rather find a way to try to fix our relationship and find some compromise somewhere in there.

[Anonymous]

Love this, thank you! Will check it out, I am into reading spicy romance but will check out your suggestion! 😉

Anonymous wrote:Get a jackrabbit and spend some time on erosberry dot com - they have some very tasteful female friendly erotic videos that you can use as visual stimulation for your self pleasuring

Life is about SO much more than sex, SO MUCH - if you have a partner who is otherwise great and you have a functional/happy family life, don't let your hormones ruin it. A decade from now you probably won't have much sex drive if any yourself and if you blow up your family to feed your sexual desires now that would have been a very silly choice

[Anonymous]

DCUM hypocrisy at it’s best:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1274104.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM hypocrisy at it’s best:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1274104.page

You have poor logical skills if you think a couple who hasn’t had sex in a year or more is anything like a couple negotiating on having sex between 3-14 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: no, he is not gay, if that were the case it would be an explanation, but it is not, and no, I am not in denial.
He is just a man with very low sex drive, and who is content with other things besides sex. We fell in love young and sex was good and often, and in our early 30s as we started getting serious in our careers and stress was at the highest, his sexual appetite started decreasing. And it only lowered from there for him. Although hooking up with other people sounds erotic and exciting, this is not what I am after, I rather find a way to try to fix our relationship and find some compromise somewhere in there.

If you're already mid-40s, consider that this might not be an issue at all once menopause hits. Might actually be somewhat of a relief if you are on the same page in your 50s and beyond.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone. I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I was in this situation. Sexless 7 years (but it was a bad relationship and was not interested in him that way either). Divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: no, he is not gay, if that were the case it would be an explanation, but it is not, and no, I am not in denial.
He is just a man with very low sex drive, and who is content with other things besides sex. We fell in love young and sex was good and often, and in our early 30s as we started getting serious in our careers and stress was at the highest, his sexual appetite started decreasing. And it only lowered from there for him. Although hooking up with other people sounds erotic and exciting, this is not what I am after, I rather find a way to try to fix our relationship and find some compromise somewhere in there.

If you're already mid-40s, consider that this might not be an issue at all once menopause hits. Might actually be somewhat of a relief if you are on the same page in your 50s and beyond.

Hi i perimenopausal 50+ year old woman here: guess what it doesn’t provide relief when you get older. You feel less human and desirable every year. Not having a partner interested in you wears you out. I may not be as ready to go as quickly but from the time I’ve spent with myself my orgasms are even stronger now than they were when I was younger minus maybe during pregnancy.

Age doesn’t fix the rupture.

[Anonymous]

Might have to give him a little shove in the HRT direction if he's just never getting around to it. There's a lot of bro-sciencey things on the internet about it but here's the least painful way to do it.

Get him to agree to onboard with an online provider, there are a few popular ones (Defy has been around a long time). He will have to take labs through labcorp (blood), and a physical (you can even get one from CVS/Target). They will give you options for delivery mechanism (SubQ injections are ideal, especially if you have kids, compared to gels as this limits any potential exposure to them). They will send everything in the mail, minus alcohol swabs. He will have some follow ups.

It takes 5 minutes a week to do two injections. Ask him if he feels better after a few months. If Low T was the major issue he will have more energy, better mood, better athletic performance, concentration, and sex drive.

The downside with in person providers is they will try and extract more money from you by forcing you to come in and get injections from them. It is also more difficult to get a Rx from a GP, as they don't care if you are on the extreme low end of T. Perhaps if you laid it all out for him and got the ball rolling he will accommodate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband of many years does not like sex. I love sex. We have elementary school age kids and parenting is very stressful, but his lack of a sexual appetite pre-dates our children. I have not had sex in more than a year, maybe almost two, I stopped tracking it, it was too depressing. He never initiates it, I feel unwanted and rejected. It is a terribly sad feeling. He has low testosterone levels but does not seek medical assistance to help increase them. I have lost count of how many times I have opened up to him how much this hurts me and our marriage. I believe I initiated probably 90% of all our sexual interactions when we had them. The same way I am the one to plans date nights (they are very rare), vacations, kids lives, etc. He is sympathetic when we talk about this, but NOTHING changes. He tells me he loves me and loves our life and our family. I crave sex, I feel that I am still too young (mid 40s) and full of life to accept that my sexual life is just want I can help myself with. I am sad and lost. He is a good father, a good guy, and we have a good life (minus this major crack that the lack of intimacy brings into my life). I feel lonely, I know he has been depressed lately due to his aging parents issues, and I don’t know what to do to turn things around. I am tired and feel defeated. I am embarrassed to admit that I feel good when men look at me, observe me, I feel like my husband does not see me at all. It is a terrible feeling, and a very sad one, because I have loved him fiercely for all these years, and now I am questioning that I feel for him, and I have no intention of breaking up our family.

Hi OP. I was in a very similar situation, although there were many other issues in the marriage. At one point DH called sex with me a “chore,” which was really nice.

I don’t think that these types of sexual problems are always only about sex, even if the person is otherwise a good partner. There’s an element of ignoring your needs and no matter how much everything else seems to be working, something is deeply wrong with that disconnect.

We attempted to open the marriage but that really didn’t work and caused a lot of emotional chaos.

Ultimately, I needed changes or I was done. My sexual life wasn’t going to end at 38 years old with a grumpy, mean DH. We went to a lot of intense therapy. And we worked through things. It wasn’t instantaneous but everything is better now, including our sexual life.

Another poster mentioned that if everything else is good you can just wait until you don’t want sex anymore. I actually think that is a valid point. Blowing up your life over sex seems unreasonable. But a lot of the issue here is a lack of intimacy, romance, recognizing the other person’s needs, and connection.

OP, you say you feel unseen. I get it. That is even bigger than sex and is the real issue here. Our spouse should be the person who sees us. If someone comes along who “sees” you, you she could very well blow up your life anyway out of pure loneliness and desperation. So take a stand now on your own terms.

[Anonymous]

I would divorce. Otherwise what is left of an otherwise good sexual years will pass you by. He doesn’t care about you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all the responses and suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might have to give him a little shove in the HRT direction if he's just never getting around to it. There's a lot of bro-sciencey things on the internet about it but here's the least painful way to do it.

Get him to agree to onboard with an online provider, there are a few popular ones (Defy has been around a long time). He will have to take labs through labcorp (blood), and a physical (you can even get one from CVS/Target). They will give you options for delivery mechanism (SubQ injections are ideal, especially if you have kids, compared to gels as this limits any potential exposure to them). They will send everything in the mail, minus alcohol swabs. He will have some follow ups.

It takes 5 minutes a week to do two injections. Ask him if he feels better after a few months. If Low T was the major issue he will have more energy, better mood, better athletic performance, concentration, and sex drive.

The downside with in person providers is they will try and extract more money from you by forcing you to come in and get injections from them. It is also more difficult to get a Rx from a GP, as they don't care if you are on the extreme low end of T. Perhaps if you laid it all out for him and got the ball rolling he will accommodate.

No need for HRT. Just hit the gym 4 times a week. Focus on compound lifts squat, bench, row, pull ups, deadlift. And in cardio..and you are good to go. I am 53 and want sex everyday. But DW wants it 3 or 4 times a week and that works for us.