DH doesn’t like sex - I am sad and lost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: no, he is not gay, if that were the case it would be an explanation, but it is not, and no, I am not in denial.
He is just a man with very low sex drive, and who is content with other things besides sex. We fell in love young and sex was good and often, and in our early 30s as we started getting serious in our careers and stress was at the highest, his sexual appetite started decreasing. And it only lowered from there for him. Although hooking up with other people sounds erotic and exciting, this is not what I am after, I rather find a way to try to fix our relationship and find some compromise somewhere in there.

for the record, you have no way of knowing this. I would've said the same about my ex (and he still nagged me for sex!) but he was hooking up with dudes during the day while I was at work. and all those dudes he was hooking up with were also married and "straight." sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately men think ED is the end of sex. It’s so non imaginative /unsexy. I love a D, there’s so much more we can do besides straight up piv. Sometimes I wish I was bi.

I agree with you. I don't have ED yet. I am 45 so maybe it's coming soon. You are correct when it comes to sex the options are endless. Some nights I just eat my wife out for 40 straight minutes..she gets O after O and squirts a lot in between. After this she gets so sensitive down there she doesn't even want the D

Thanks not how it works for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you tried being more kinky? For example wearing a dress and no panties on and whispering in his ears about it, or lifting your dress to show him or asking him to feel your wet vagina.

I am not trying to be "fresh" but we are adults here and sex is healthy and amazing. And when you have a spouse sex is even more exciting because there is no limit to experimenting as long as both are comfortable

I think it's fair to assume that if a woman is writing here about a sexual imbalance in her long term relationship, she's tried all the obvious stuff. If I tried what you suggested with my no-libido husband, his reaction would likely be devastating. Not on purpose; he wouldn't want to hurt me. It's just that his mind isn't there, and attempting to yank it where I want it would be jarring for him, resulting in a startled reaction, an uncomfortable laugh, and no sex.

And that's the thing... Initiating sex comes with the possibility that you will be rejected. Gently, kindly, of course, but rejected all the same. Or almost worse, that you'd be indulged, but with no interest from him. The more that happens, the more vulnerable you feel, and the harder the rejection hits.

I hear what you are saying, but I don’t think that you are right that the rejection will hit harder if you initiate more often. Everything gets easier the more often you do it.
If you initiate more often, then you will learn to tolerate the rejection. But more than that, it will make the problem more overt and force him to deal with it instead of pushing it under the rug. You say that he doesn’t see you as a sexual being and his mind isn’t there. If you initiate more often (in whatever way he likes in the past), then he has to see you as a sexual being and deal with the fact that he’s rejecting you over and over again.
If you never initiate, then you still feel rejected, but he has no idea that anything is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: no, he is not gay, if that were the case it would be an explanation, but it is not, and no, I am not in denial.
He is just a man with very low sex drive, and who is content with other things besides sex. We fell in love young and sex was good and often, and in our early 30s as we started getting serious in our careers and stress was at the highest, his sexual appetite started decreasing. And it only lowered from there for him. Although hooking up with other people sounds erotic and exciting, this is not what I am after, I rather find a way to try to fix our relationship and find some compromise somewhere in there.

for the record, you have no way of knowing this. I would've said the same about my ex (and he still nagged me for sex!) but he was hooking up with dudes during the day while I was at work. and all those dudes he was hooking up with were also married and "straight." sigh.

Hmm.. This. Pay attention OP.

[Anonymous]

If the situation was reversed, and it was the wife that didn’t want sex, to what extent would the feedback and suggestions change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the situation was reversed, and it was the wife that didn’t want sex, to what extent would the feedback and suggestions change?

That was covered earlier. The harpies would raging and encouraging OP to divorce so as to not waste her life. Top shelf DCUM hypocrisy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the situation was reversed, and it was the wife that didn’t want sex, to what extent would the feedback and suggestions change?

This.
No way would a man stay in a sexless marriage .. for long.
He'd beg to open the marriage - have an affair - or go to a massage parlor - be nasty to wife and kids

Wife would refuse to divorce though..

[Anonymous]

Another interesting thing I see is that if it is a man saying the wife does not like/want sex the “she is gay” comment is rarely mentioned. When it is the man who is not interested the gay comment is one of the first things mentioned. I believe a woman deep down knows if her husband is attracted to men. OP said this is not the case, end of story. Low sex drive, investigate the root causes and best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another interesting thing I see is that if it is a man saying the wife does not like/want sex the “she is gay” comment is rarely mentioned. When it is the man who is not interested the gay comment is one of the first things mentioned. I believe a woman deep down knows if her husband is attracted to men. OP said this is not the case, end of story. Low sex drive, investigate the root causes and best of luck.

That’s really not interesting and it has nothing to do with this post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the situation was reversed, and it was the wife that didn’t want sex, to what extent would the feedback and suggestions change?

This.
No way would a man stay in a sexless marriage .. for long.
He'd beg to open the marriage - have an affair - or go to a massage parlor - be nasty to wife and kids

Wife would refuse to divorce though..

This post is not about that. Can you just leave that for other conversations… For once?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you tried being more kinky? For example wearing a dress and no panties on and whispering in his ears about it, or lifting your dress to show him or asking him to feel your wet vagina.

I am not trying to be "fresh" but we are adults here and sex is healthy and amazing. And when you have a spouse sex is even more exciting because there is no limit to experimenting as long as both are comfortable

I think it's fair to assume that if a woman is writing here about a sexual imbalance in her long term relationship, she's tried all the obvious stuff. If I tried what you suggested with my no-libido husband, his reaction would likely be devastating. Not on purpose; he wouldn't want to hurt me. It's just that his mind isn't there, and attempting to yank it where I want it would be jarring for him, resulting in a startled reaction, an uncomfortable laugh, and no sex.

And that's the thing... Initiating sex comes with the possibility that you will be rejected. Gently, kindly, of course, but rejected all the same. Or almost worse, that you'd be indulged, but with no interest from him. The more that happens, the more vulnerable you feel, and the harder the rejection hits.

I hear what you are saying, but I don’t think that you are right that the rejection will hit harder if you initiate more often. Everything gets easier the more often you do it.
If you initiate more often, then you will learn to tolerate the rejection. But more than that, it will make the problem more overt and force him to deal with it instead of pushing it under the rug. You say that he doesn’t see you as a sexual being and his mind isn’t there. If you initiate more often (in whatever way he likes in the past), then he has to see you as a sexual being and deal with the fact that he’s rejecting you over and over again.
If you never initiate, then you still feel rejected, but he has no idea that anything is wrong.

You have no idea what you’re talking about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you tried being more kinky? For example wearing a dress and no panties on and whispering in his ears about it, or lifting your dress to show him or asking him to feel your wet vagina.

I am not trying to be "fresh" but we are adults here and sex is healthy and amazing. And when you have a spouse sex is even more exciting because there is no limit to experimenting as long as both are comfortable

I think it's fair to assume that if a woman is writing here about a sexual imbalance in her long term relationship, she's tried all the obvious stuff. If I tried what you suggested with my no-libido husband, his reaction would likely be devastating. Not on purpose; he wouldn't want to hurt me. It's just that his mind isn't there, and attempting to yank it where I want it would be jarring for him, resulting in a startled reaction, an uncomfortable laugh, and no sex.

And that's the thing... Initiating sex comes with the possibility that you will be rejected. Gently, kindly, of course, but rejected all the same. Or almost worse, that you'd be indulged, but with no interest from him. The more that happens, the more vulnerable you feel, and the harder the rejection hits.

I hear what you are saying, but I don’t think that you are right that the rejection will hit harder if you initiate more often. Everything gets easier the more often you do it.
If you initiate more often, then you will learn to tolerate the rejection. But more than that, it will make the problem more overt and force him to deal with it instead of pushing it under the rug. You say that he doesn’t see you as a sexual being and his mind isn’t there. If you initiate more often (in whatever way he likes in the past), then he has to see you as a sexual being and deal with the fact that he’s rejecting you over and over again.
If you never initiate, then you still feel rejected, but he has no idea that anything is wrong.

You have no idea what you’re talking about

I think you don’t trust that your husband loves you as much as you love him. I think you are scared that if you initiate sex regularly, he will get annoyed and leave you.

Yeah, if you can’t initiate without crying or getting mad if he isn’t interested, then that’s annoying. But it’s not normal to get mad at your spouse for wanting to have sex, and I believe you are totally capable of communicating your interest without tears or drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you tried being more kinky? For example wearing a dress and no panties on and whispering in his ears about it, or lifting your dress to show him or asking him to feel your wet vagina.

I am not trying to be "fresh" but we are adults here and sex is healthy and amazing. And when you have a spouse sex is even more exciting because there is no limit to experimenting as long as both are comfortable

I think it's fair to assume that if a woman is writing here about a sexual imbalance in her long term relationship, she's tried all the obvious stuff. If I tried what you suggested with my no-libido husband, his reaction would likely be devastating. Not on purpose; he wouldn't want to hurt me. It's just that his mind isn't there, and attempting to yank it where I want it would be jarring for him, resulting in a startled reaction, an uncomfortable laugh, and no sex.

And that's the thing... Initiating sex comes with the possibility that you will be rejected. Gently, kindly, of course, but rejected all the same. Or almost worse, that you'd be indulged, but with no interest from him. The more that happens, the more vulnerable you feel, and the harder the rejection hits.

I hear what you are saying, but I don’t think that you are right that the rejection will hit harder if you initiate more often. Everything gets easier the more often you do it.
If you initiate more often, then you will learn to tolerate the rejection. But more than that, it will make the problem more overt and force him to deal with it instead of pushing it under the rug. You say that he doesn’t see you as a sexual being and his mind isn’t there. If you initiate more often (in whatever way he likes in the past), then he has to see you as a sexual being and deal with the fact that he’s rejecting you over and over again.
If you never initiate, then you still feel rejected, but he has no idea that anything is wrong.

You have no idea what you’re talking about

I think you don’t trust that your husband loves you as much as you love him. I think you are scared that if you initiate sex regularly, he will get annoyed and leave you.

Yeah, if you can’t initiate without crying or getting mad if he isn’t interested, then that’s annoying. But it’s not normal to get mad at your spouse for wanting to have sex, and I believe you are totally capable of communicating your interest without tears or drama.

I think you are either a guy or possibly on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Have you tried being more kinky? For example wearing a dress and no panties on and whispering in his ears about it, or lifting your dress to show him or asking him to feel your wet vagina.

I am not trying to be "fresh" but we are adults here and sex is healthy and amazing. And when you have a spouse sex is even more exciting because there is no limit to experimenting as long as both are comfortable

I think it's fair to assume that if a woman is writing here about a sexual imbalance in her long term relationship, she's tried all the obvious stuff. If I tried what you suggested with my no-libido husband, his reaction would likely be devastating. Not on purpose; he wouldn't want to hurt me. It's just that his mind isn't there, and attempting to yank it where I want it would be jarring for him, resulting in a startled reaction, an uncomfortable laugh, and no sex.

And that's the thing... Initiating sex comes with the possibility that you will be rejected. Gently, kindly, of course, but rejected all the same. Or almost worse, that you'd be indulged, but with no interest from him. The more that happens, the more vulnerable you feel, and the harder the rejection hits.

I hear what you are saying, but I don’t think that you are right that the rejection will hit harder if you initiate more often. Everything gets easier the more often you do it.
If you initiate more often, then you will learn to tolerate the rejection. But more than that, it will make the problem more overt and force him to deal with it instead of pushing it under the rug. You say that he doesn’t see you as a sexual being and his mind isn’t there. If you initiate more often (in whatever way he likes in the past), then he has to see you as a sexual being and deal with the fact that he’s rejecting you over and over again.
If you never initiate, then you still feel rejected, but he has no idea that anything is wrong.

You have no idea what you’re talking about

I think you don’t trust that your husband loves you as much as you love him. I think you are scared that if you initiate sex regularly, he will get annoyed and leave you.

Yeah, if you can’t initiate without crying or getting mad if he isn’t interested, then that’s annoying. But it’s not normal to get mad at your spouse for wanting to have sex, and I believe you are totally capable of communicating your interest without tears or drama.

That’s not how it went down. And I have and still initiate. Nothing happens. It’s really useless advice.

Please stop whatevergenderyouaresplaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: no, he is not gay, if that were the case it would be an explanation, but it is not, and no, I am not in denial.
He is just a man with very low sex drive, and who is content with other things besides sex. We fell in love young and sex was good and often, and in our early 30s as we started getting serious in our careers and stress was at the highest, his sexual appetite started decreasing. And it only lowered from there for him. Although hooking up with other people sounds erotic and exciting, this is not what I am after, I rather find a way to try to fix our relationship and find some compromise somewhere in there.

If you're already mid-40s, consider that this might not be an issue at all once menopause hits. Might actually be somewhat of a relief if you are on the same page in your 50s and beyond.

Sadly, not true for all women. I’m 56 and my sex drive is stronger since menopause. OP, you could be describing my husband and no one could have been more shocked than I that he was sleeping with other men. Don’t be so quick to dismiss the possibility that he is gay or bisexual.