DH doesn’t like sex - I am sad and lost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: no, he is not gay, if that were the case it would be an explanation, but it is not, and no, I am not in denial.
He is just a man with very low sex drive, and who is content with other things besides sex. We fell in love young and sex was good and often, and in our early 30s as we started getting serious in our careers and stress was at the highest, his sexual appetite started decreasing. And it only lowered from there for him. Although hooking up with other people sounds erotic and exciting, this is not what I am after, I rather find a way to try to fix our relationship and find some compromise somewhere in there.

for the record, you have no way of knowing this. I would've said the same about my ex (and he still nagged me for sex!) but he was hooking up with dudes during the day while I was at work. and all those dudes he was hooking up with were also married and "straight." sigh.

So true! Same experience. Ex was very interested in sex but turns out he was part of the married men hooking up with each other club and their wives have no clue. It’s really sad - they all claim to be bi or straight and they would hook up every time the wives were out of town. One even had a disabled child at home each time.

[Anonymous]

A bunch of my friends think my husband is gay, but he swears he's not. He is also not interested in our sex life, not romantic, not present. He's into himself, his career, his workout, and his friends, most of whom are women. He might be a bit neurodivergent, and maybe some ADHD, but it's hard to know for sure. The one thing that I am certain of is that he doesn't want sex with me, and yet after 20 years he also doesn't want a divorce. I wasted 12 years of my life trying to fill the void with other people when I could have been focused on building another relationship or advancing my career. Leave sooner or you'll never leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another interesting thing I see is that if it is a man saying the wife does not like/want sex the “she is gay” comment is rarely mentioned. When it is the man who is not interested the gay comment is one of the first things mentioned. I believe a woman deep down knows if her husband is attracted to men. OP said this is not the case, end of story. Low sex drive, investigate the root causes and best of luck.

Are people really this dumb?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: no, he is not gay, if that were the case it would be an explanation, but it is not, and no, I am not in denial.
He is just a man with very low sex drive, and who is content with other things besides sex. We fell in love young and sex was good and often, and in our early 30s as we started getting serious in our careers and stress was at the highest, his sexual appetite started decreasing. And it only lowered from there for him. Although hooking up with other people sounds erotic and exciting, this is not what I am after, I rather find a way to try to fix our relationship and find some compromise somewhere in there.

for the record, you have no way of knowing this. I would've said the same about my ex (and he still nagged me for sex!) but he was hooking up with dudes during the day while I was at work. and all those dudes he was hooking up with were also married and "straight." sigh.

So true! Same experience. Ex was very interested in sex but turns out he was part of the married men hooking up with each other club and their wives have no clue. It’s really sad - they all claim to be bi or straight and they would hook up every time the wives were out of town. One even had a disabled child at home each time.

Hot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

I am about ten years older than you, and my kids are a little older, but otherwise my story is the same.

It is a terribly sad place to be. I too will not break up my family, but imagining that this is all I'll have for the rest of my life is very depressing.

My husband was always low-drive and the sex wasn't great, but it was good enough for me to accept (given many many other major positives.) Then things tanked after the kids now we're very affectionate best friends but there's no sex. No desire to effect change (despite countless conversations, tears, some therapy....)

It's just awful. My sympathies.

I'm the same age. It's been about 15 years for me. It's a physical thing for DH. Poor thing tries other things, but I don't care for it. We are happy enough now that I've gone through menopause. I feel lucky I was able to have children.

[Anonymous]

PP ^Things won't change OP. You have to decide what is most important to you. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of my friends think my husband is gay, but he swears he's not. He is also not interested in our sex life, not romantic, not present. He's into himself, his career, his workout, and his friends, most of whom are women. He might be a bit neurodivergent, and maybe some ADHD, but it's hard to know for sure. The one thing that I am certain of is that he doesn't want sex with me, and yet after 20 years he also doesn't want a divorce. I wasted 12 years of my life trying to fill the void with other people when I could have been focused on building another relationship or advancing my career. Leave sooner or you'll never leave.

Do you think your husband is gay?

[Anonymous]

My DH is the same. Haven’t had sex in 20 years. He’s awesome in every other way so I just live without it.

When I finally accepted that it isn’t about me, or a lack of love or something, it became ok. That took a long time though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Might have to give him a little shove in the HRT direction if he's just never getting around to it. There's a lot of bro-sciencey things on the internet about it but here's the least painful way to do it.

Get him to agree to onboard with an online provider, there are a few popular ones (Defy has been around a long time). He will have to take labs through labcorp (blood), and a physical (you can even get one from CVS/Target). They will give you options for delivery mechanism (SubQ injections are ideal, especially if you have kids, compared to gels as this limits any potential exposure to them). They will send everything in the mail, minus alcohol swabs. He will have some follow ups.

It takes 5 minutes a week to do two injections. Ask him if he feels better after a few months. If Low T was the major issue he will have more energy, better mood, better athletic performance, concentration, and sex drive.

The downside with in person providers is they will try and extract more money from you by forcing you to come in and get injections from them. It is also more difficult to get a Rx from a GP, as they don't care if you are on the extreme low end of T. Perhaps if you laid it all out for him and got the ball rolling he will accommodate.

No need for HRT. Just hit the gym 4 times a week. Focus on compound lifts squat, bench, row, pull ups, deadlift. And in cardio..and you are good to go. I am 53 and want sex everyday. But DW wants it 3 or 4 times a week and that works for us.

Finally, this guy is making some sense. No need to go on TRT your recipe is above. I’d add get enough good quality sleep every night, drink enough water and have him get in the sun every day for at least 20 minutes.

DH here: +1. It’s reasonably likely just to be low T, this is more common than you think, and attempting to correct it in this manner is a “no regrets” strategy, because it is good for health in other ways. My sex drive went way up when i started lifting, and our sex life as a couple got way better when we started lifting with a trainer together, and it’s good for you anyway. Worth a try before you give up or cheat.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like libido is a big issue. However, are making special efforts to entice or to encourage him to have sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP! I feel terrible for your situation.

Is it possible he has ADHD?

Adhd doesn’t mess up sex drive, at least not in my case

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: no, he is not gay, if that were the case it would be an explanation, but it is not, and no, I am not in denial.
He is just a man with very low sex drive, and who is content with other things besides sex. We fell in love young and sex was good and often, and in our early 30s as we started getting serious in our careers and stress was at the highest, his sexual appetite started decreasing. And it only lowered from there for him. Although hooking up with other people sounds erotic and exciting, this is not what I am after, I rather find a way to try to fix our relationship and find some compromise somewhere in there.

for the record, you have no way of knowing this. I would've said the same about my ex (and he still nagged me for sex!) but he was hooking up with dudes during the day while I was at work. and all those dudes he was hooking up with were also married and "straight." sigh.

So true! Same experience. Ex was very interested in sex but turns out he was part of the married men hooking up with each other club and their wives have no clue. It’s really sad - they all claim to be bi or straight and they would hook up every time the wives were out of town. One even had a disabled child at home each time.

Hot

Yeah, until they come home with an STD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but:

- it’s likely he has low - T. Is he otherwise low energy or often down/ depressed? These are symptoms of it.

In any event, you deserve better, OP.

+ 1.

Your husband denying you this type of affection and love is a form of emotional abuse.

Demanding that an uninterested spouse have sex is also abuse. It's coercive and unpleasant and not what sex should be.

These two need to get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but:

- it’s likely he has low - T. Is he otherwise low energy or often down/ depressed? These are symptoms of it.

In any event, you deserve better, OP.

+ 1.

Your husband denying you this type of affection and love is a form of emotional abuse.

Demanding that an uninterested spouse have sex is also abuse. It's coercive and unpleasant and not what sex should be.

These two need to get a divorce.

Or just let her get an AP - don't ask, don't tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP! I feel terrible for your situation.

Is it possible he has ADHD?

Adhd doesn’t mess up sex drive, at least not in my case

If everything is working correctly, ADHD is more likely to make men hypersexual, not less sexual.