DH doesn’t like sex - I am sad and lost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of my friends think my husband is gay, but he swears he's not. He is also not interested in our sex life, not romantic, not present. He's into himself, his career, his workout, and his friends, most of whom are women. He might be a bit neurodivergent, and maybe some ADHD, but it's hard to know for sure. The one thing that I am certain of is that he doesn't want sex with me, and yet after 20 years he also doesn't want a divorce. I wasted 12 years of my life trying to fill the void with other people when I could have been focused on building another relationship or advancing my career. Leave sooner or you'll never leave.

If your sole criteria for a successful marriage is non-stop-effing, sounds like... marriage isn't your thing?

I love how you ignored everything else she wrote.

Married people have sex. It is perfectly normal to expect sex in a marriage and it is abusive to arbitrarily decide it's not something you want to do and deny your spouse the intimacy (barring any health issues).

So, I'm guessing you're triggered because you are one of those spouses who denies his/her partner sex in a marriage? If so, you're an abuser.

Not you again with your expectations. Stuff happens; you sound immature and rigid.

What stuff happens? I already said that illness is not what I’m talking about. So what made you decide that it’s ok to just cut someone off and expect that they must be ok with it?

I doubt anyone just "cuts someone off." There's always an underlying reason. Mental health, abuse, physical health, sexual orientation, etc. Those are the causes. Lack of sex is just a symptom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of my friends think my husband is gay, but he swears he's not. He is also not interested in our sex life, not romantic, not present. He's into himself, his career, his workout, and his friends, most of whom are women. He might be a bit neurodivergent, and maybe some ADHD, but it's hard to know for sure. The one thing that I am certain of is that he doesn't want sex with me, and yet after 20 years he also doesn't want a divorce. I wasted 12 years of my life trying to fill the void with other people when I could have been focused on building another relationship or advancing my career. Leave sooner or you'll never leave.

If your sole criteria for a successful marriage is non-stop-effing, sounds like... marriage isn't your thing?

I love how you ignored everything else she wrote.

Married people have sex. It is perfectly normal to expect sex in a marriage and it is abusive to arbitrarily decide it's not something you want to do and deny your spouse the intimacy (barring any health issues).

So, I'm guessing you're triggered because you are one of those spouses who denies his/her partner sex in a marriage? If so, you're an abuser.

Not you again with your expectations. Stuff happens; you sound immature and rigid.

What stuff happens? I already said that illness is not what I’m talking about. So what made you decide that it’s ok to just cut someone off and expect that they must be ok with it?

I doubt anyone just "cuts someone off." There's always an underlying reason. Mental health, abuse, physical health, sexual orientation, etc. Those are the causes. Lack of sex is just a symptom.

True. Above issues could be with either partner, not necessarily with the person that is being denied sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of my friends think my husband is gay, but he swears he's not. He is also not interested in our sex life, not romantic, not present. He's into himself, his career, his workout, and his friends, most of whom are women. He might be a bit neurodivergent, and maybe some ADHD, but it's hard to know for sure. The one thing that I am certain of is that he doesn't want sex with me, and yet after 20 years he also doesn't want a divorce. I wasted 12 years of my life trying to fill the void with other people when I could have been focused on building another relationship or advancing my career. Leave sooner or you'll never leave.

If your sole criteria for a successful marriage is non-stop-effing, sounds like... marriage isn't your thing?

I love how you ignored everything else she wrote.

Married people have sex. It is perfectly normal to expect sex in a marriage and it is abusive to arbitrarily decide it's not something you want to do and deny your spouse the intimacy (barring any health issues).

So, I'm guessing you're triggered because you are one of those spouses who denies his/her partner sex in a marriage? If so, you're an abuser.

Not you again with your expectations. Stuff happens; you sound immature and rigid.

What stuff happens? I already said that illness is not what I’m talking about. So what made you decide that it’s ok to just cut someone off and expect that they must be ok with it?

I doubt anyone just "cuts someone off." There's always an underlying reason. Mental health, abuse, physical health, sexual orientation, etc. Those are the causes. Lack of sex is just a symptom.

I already said if there is illness those are legitimate reasons. But so many times we see on this forum "I just don't feel like having sex anymore," and the spouse is just supposed to be cleibate for the rest of their life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of my friends think my husband is gay, but he swears he's not. He is also not interested in our sex life, not romantic, not present. He's into himself, his career, his workout, and his friends, most of whom are women. He might be a bit neurodivergent, and maybe some ADHD, but it's hard to know for sure. The one thing that I am certain of is that he doesn't want sex with me, and yet after 20 years he also doesn't want a divorce. I wasted 12 years of my life trying to fill the void with other people when I could have been focused on building another relationship or advancing my career. Leave sooner or you'll never leave.

If your sole criteria for a successful marriage is non-stop-effing, sounds like... marriage isn't your thing?

I love how you ignored everything else she wrote.

Married people have sex. It is perfectly normal to expect sex in a marriage and it is abusive to arbitrarily decide it's not something you want to do and deny your spouse the intimacy (barring any health issues).

So, I'm guessing you're triggered because you are one of those spouses who denies his/her partner sex in a marriage? If so, you're an abuser.

Not you again with your expectations. Stuff happens; you sound immature and rigid.

What stuff happens? I already said that illness is not what I’m talking about. So what made you decide that it’s ok to just cut someone off and expect that they must be ok with it?

I doubt anyone just "cuts someone off." There's always an underlying reason. Mental health, abuse, physical health, sexual orientation, etc. Those are the causes. Lack of sex is just a symptom.

I already said if there is illness those are legitimate reasons. But so many times we see on this forum "I just don't feel like having sex anymore," and the spouse is just supposed to be cleibate for the rest of their life?

Or divorce and blow up children’s lives and finances. None of that matters to dcum narcissists

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of my friends think my husband is gay, but he swears he's not. He is also not interested in our sex life, not romantic, not present. He's into himself, his career, his workout, and his friends, most of whom are women. He might be a bit neurodivergent, and maybe some ADHD, but it's hard to know for sure. The one thing that I am certain of is that he doesn't want sex with me, and yet after 20 years he also doesn't want a divorce. I wasted 12 years of my life trying to fill the void with other people when I could have been focused on building another relationship or advancing my career. Leave sooner or you'll never leave.

If your sole criteria for a successful marriage is non-stop-effing, sounds like... marriage isn't your thing?

I love how you ignored everything else she wrote.

Married people have sex. It is perfectly normal to expect sex in a marriage and it is abusive to arbitrarily decide it's not something you want to do and deny your spouse the intimacy (barring any health issues).

So, I'm guessing you're triggered because you are one of those spouses who denies his/her partner sex in a marriage? If so, you're an abuser.

Not you again with your expectations. Stuff happens; you sound immature and rigid.

What stuff happens? I already said that illness is not what I’m talking about. So what made you decide that it’s ok to just cut someone off and expect that they must be ok with it?

I doubt anyone just "cuts someone off." There's always an underlying reason. Mental health, abuse, physical health, sexual orientation, etc. Those are the causes. Lack of sex is just a symptom.

Bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of my friends think my husband is gay, but he swears he's not. He is also not interested in our sex life, not romantic, not present. He's into himself, his career, his workout, and his friends, most of whom are women. He might be a bit neurodivergent, and maybe some ADHD, but it's hard to know for sure. The one thing that I am certain of is that he doesn't want sex with me, and yet after 20 years he also doesn't want a divorce. I wasted 12 years of my life trying to fill the void with other people when I could have been focused on building another relationship or advancing my career. Leave sooner or you'll never leave.

If your sole criteria for a successful marriage is non-stop-effing, sounds like... marriage isn't your thing?

I love how you ignored everything else she wrote.

Married people have sex. It is perfectly normal to expect sex in a marriage and it is abusive to arbitrarily decide it's not something you want to do and deny your spouse the intimacy (barring any health issues).

So, I'm guessing you're triggered because you are one of those spouses who denies his/her partner sex in a marriage? If so, you're an abuser.

Not you again with your expectations. Stuff happens; you sound immature and rigid.

What stuff happens? I already said that illness is not what I’m talking about. So what made you decide that it’s ok to just cut someone off and expect that they must be ok with it?

I doubt anyone just "cuts someone off." There's always an underlying reason. Mental health, abuse, physical health, sexual orientation, etc. Those are the causes. Lack of sex is just a symptom.

I already said if there is illness those are legitimate reasons. But so many times we see on this forum "I just don't feel like having sex anymore," and the spouse is just supposed to be cleibate for the rest of their life?

They should make “happy anniversary, you’re an incel now” cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

I am about ten years older than you, and my kids are a little older, but otherwise my story is the same.

It is a terribly sad place to be. I too will not break up my family, but imagining that this is all I'll have for the rest of my life is very depressing.

My husband was always low-drive and the sex wasn't great, but it was good enough for me to accept (given many many other major positives.) Then things tanked after the kids now we're very affectionate best friends but there's no sex. No desire to effect change (despite countless conversations, tears, some therapy....)

It's just awful. My sympathies.

+1, I am retired, kids are in college. Most difficult time was around age 37-40, but the desires got easier after 41 years old, now it's almost gone!
OP, The Bridges of Madison County movie, if you were really faced with the choices, which would you pick?
If you know the answer then follow your heart, no regrets!

[Anonymous]

Get a side piece.

[Anonymous]

Or, offer up a visit through the back door. His reaction will speak volumes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a side piece.

+1
Shouldn't be too difficult.