DD applied "wrong"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

Right. At several points she had the opportunity to submit more applications, said I'll do it later, then she said she didn't want to bother. I should have insisted more, but I didn't want to cause more conflict and stress.

That is her decision, for good or ill. Can’t you see that? She will learn from it. You can’t learn for her. And this learn-from-experience cost her pretty much nothing - she will go to a good school that has her major, right? Of course over the coming months she may experience some regrets. If you own those regrets and take them on yourself what she’ll learn is “other people should take care of me” or “if I don’t do what I must it is because other people didn’t push me to.” How do you think that plays at work, or in a marriage?

Just keep encouraging her - she did great, is going to a great school, and you are proud of her. If she expresses regrets empathize that hindsight is 20/20, and she’ll make the best of where she goes. You have faith in her.

And if so, she can look into applying to transfer somewhere else. She'll know better and make better choices then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t kids used to go to college to find themselves? Now I guess they are expected to find themselves much younger.

Yes. And this new normal is not in sync with the emotional development of many teens.
My brother (now age 49) had no hope of choosing a school, being independent in the college process when he was 17. My mom did everything.
He ended up super successful by his mid 20s but it took him until about age 19 to even BEGIN to realize what his interests were or what he might want out of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t kids used to go to college to find themselves? Now I guess they are expected to find themselves much younger.

This. They start having kids think about careers in middle school. And in school districts with choice programs, many need to make that decision before going to the STEM program. It's ridiculous. Everyone should be getting a holistic (formerly known as liberal arts) education at least through high school - I argue even in college. Life is about more than training for a specific job to make at least "x" amount of money. It's about developing as a person, which includes being educated and knowledgeable about stuff beyond your career focus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

Right. At several points she had the opportunity to submit more applications, said I'll do it later, then she said she didn't want to bother. I should have insisted more, but I didn't want to cause more conflict and stress.

This is on HER. My daughter is the same. She applied to 3 schools. If she doesn't get in to the one she's actually interested in, it's on her because she didn't put more effort into her application and she didn't seriously search for a backup that she'd be enthused, if not somewhat excited, about.

dp.. I get what you are saying, but this is not a situation where she decided to not take a jacket even though you told her that it was going to be really cold, and she was really cold all day. That's a one day natural consequences.

This is about 4 years of their lives.

I would've insisted more. Some teens just can't strategize for long term. And no, I'm not talking about top tier, but even colleges like UMD are getting really hard to get into for middling students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t kids used to go to college to find themselves? Now I guess they are expected to find themselves much younger.

This. They start having kids think about careers in middle school. And in school districts with choice programs, many need to make that decision before going to the STEM program. It's ridiculous. Everyone should be getting a holistic (formerly known as liberal arts) education at least through high school - I argue even in college. Life is about more than training for a specific job to make at least "x" amount of money. It's about developing as a person, which includes being educated and knowledgeable about stuff beyond your career focus.

Yes, times have changed. Before, only certain people went to college to get a liberal arts education, and they could find a job easily after college.

That's not how it is today. You have to change with the times or get left behind. Isn't that what people have been saying to the MAGA crowd?

[Anonymous]

She also may not be ready for college...how about a gap year program? Find a passion and achieve perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD struggled to engage in the application process because, in hindsight, she was dealing with a lot of anxiety about leaving home and going to college generally. We helped create a framework for her to manage the process while acknowledging that while she wasn’t ready to leave RIGHT now, we had time to help her prepare so she’d be (more) ready in August.

I think she also struggled because she had an unrealistic idea—reinforced by social media and other kids at school—that most students knew what they wanted to major in and that there was a “perfect” school for everyone. The pressure to find the perfect school and figure out what she wanted to do for the rest of her life was far too daunting. We did our best to dispel the idea that everyone knew what they were majoring in/were so certain about their choices etc. Also, reiterated that no place is perfect or a perfect fit and tried to help her focus on having her feel comfortable enough with the schools we looked at. Physically visiting those schools was extremely helpful with this.

Lastly, I think that all of the hoopla around the decision reveals made it seem like everyone is wildly happy with their options, had a clear vision of their future, and was ready to go. The reality is that these reveal announcements are a show. Yes, some kids are very excited about getting into a first choice but most have difficult decisions to make and are far from certain about any of it.

1000%!!!!
My kids think they have to know NOW what they want to do with their lives. This is pressure put on by the schools, too, not just social media. In reality, lots of students begin college "undecided." Going to college is an opportunity to learn more about different areas to help you choose something, even if you change your mind about it later -- which is also something a lot of people do. Heck, a lot of adults change their minds and shift paths after years in a field. Some do it multiple times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

IMO, it's not about incompetence, but the lack of motivation and understanding about how competitive colleges are these days, and how the parent has gone through college (most of the cases) while the child has not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t kids used to go to college to find themselves? Now I guess they are expected to find themselves much younger.

This. They start having kids think about careers in middle school. And in school districts with choice programs, many need to make that decision before going to the STEM program. It's ridiculous. Everyone should be getting a holistic (formerly known as liberal arts) education at least through high school - I argue even in college. Life is about more than training for a specific job to make at least "x" amount of money. It's about developing as a person, which includes being educated and knowledgeable about stuff beyond your career focus.

This isn't new. I remember doing career planning activities in middle school...in the 90s...in the Midwest (gasp it's so backwards there, how could anyone let their child live there).

[Anonymous]

OP, where you initially matriculate is not an irreversible decision. Lots of students transfer, especially after freshman year. While id never advise someone to go somewhere other than CC with the intent to transfer, it’s comforting to know there is always a possibility if things really don’t work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

IMO, it's not about incompetence, but the lack of motivation and understanding about how competitive colleges are these days, and how the parent has gone through college (most of the cases) while the child has not.

OP here and she is far from incompetent. She's a great student and I haven't had to worry once about her grades...She just does very well on her own and this is the first time since elementary school I had to help her in a significant way with something. It did feel like regression and mixed signals, but was I supposed to leave her to fend for herself for something so important? No. I don't regret helping, but I do regret not helping more. College though has been daunting and yes, I think social media has a big impact: seeing how kids are at a given school (I try to tell her that is the small portion of students posting that much who are more extroverted, look a certain way...), seeing most of her friends have a major already, seeing how hyperexcited some kids are. She doesn't see herself in any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP regarding pushing her DD more. I struggled with this with first DC. Very high stats. DC was aiming too high. They didn't have amazing activities, and thought the super high stats from a magnet would carry them. I tried to push them to apply to a broader range of schools, but they weren't having it. So, I dropped it. They only got into UMD, and wait listed for Mich, though they are a CS major which is an incredibly competitive major.

While they are happy enough at UMD now, DC agrees that they aimed too high and wasn't motivated enough in HS to do the things they needed to do to shoot for the top tiers.

I learned that lesson, and I'm pushing younger DC now about applying to a broader range. Yes, I'm the bad guy for pushing DC to take more practice SATs, study more (this DC doesn't have super high stats). We argue a lot, but I always tell DC that I'm pushing them for them, so that they have good college options. And no, I'm not talking top tier. This DC doesn't have the stats for it. But, I don't want them to be put into a position where they don't have good choices. They would not like it either.

IMO, a lot of kids are too immature to understand the consequences of their decisions, and while of course, many graduates from all sorts of colleges do fine, when the time comes for college acceptance, not having those good options can be depressing. I want my DC to be happy about their choice and feel excited about going off to college. They want that, too. They just don't seem to put 2 and 2 together sometimes.

Sometimes kids need to be pushed more.

I don't disagree that some kids needs to be pushed more. But it is easy to over-push and not all kids "need" to be pushed farther or harder. Your second child is not your first child. Each child is different.
Our oldest is like your first child only in that they now see that they probably should have put more effort into high school. Nevertheless, he is most likely exactly where he would have been even if he had. It took starting at community college first, but after one year he ended up at the one state school he originally applied to and was not accepted to.

Pushing to apply to a broader range of schools is good. But why the rest of it? "Having those good options can be depressing" --- you're focused on the perceived higher good options, not the ones your child is likely going to get without the extra SAT stress. Lots of people succeed regardless of their college, even from community college. Don't be so judgemental of academic institutions or dismissive of the personal lessons students learn from their experiences there.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I'm not going to dismiss your regrets. But consider that you could have made much more of an effort, stressed everyone out... to have the same result!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

This should be shouted from the rooftops. Parents come in and save their kids from the slightest repercussion of their actions at every turn.

[Anonymous]

Go to admitted students days. They will get her (and you) more excited about her choices. She can always transfer if she hates it. Mine did. It’s not easy as you have to start over but it can make a big difference. Just don’t go in with the intention of transferring or she won’t give it a fair shot.