DD applied "wrong"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

[Anonymous]

By senior year of high school, the kids themselves need to be in charge of their college application process. It's their experience. It's their lives. It's their careers. It's their relationships. At 17/18, they need to have a little agency and take ownership of where they want to go school. Parents are there for guidance and a financial reality check. But otherwise, the students need to own their college choices. Otherwise it leads to second guessing, detachment, a feeling of floating through life. Kids should feel a sense of accomplishment as they settle on their college choices. You can't gift this to a kid. They are much happier when they feel they've earned it and made the choices themselves. And if a kid is uninterested in their future, well, they'll learn quickly that flaking leads nowhere and they'll adjust quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of students change their mind about majors. Don't choose a school based on one specific major. If she's happy with one of the schools she's accepted to, get excited about that one. It doesn't matter if some hypothetical additional school is "stronger" (whatever that means) in a specific major.

She's not thrilled, no. She's okay with it. She would absolutely be happier about some of the schools she didn't apply to. I am really kicking myself.

This sounds more like anxiety/the grass is greener than a thought-out decision that another school would be better. It's your job to remind her why she chose to apply there in the first place.

This. You both need to learn to accept your decisions. There is no perfect major or school. Classic anxiety behavior here, model better than you are as wallowing is the exact opposite of a healthy reaction.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP.

My kid has matured A LOT in the past 3-6 months. He is 100% more engaged with the idea of going to college now than he was 6 months ago. This was despite growing up in an house where college was the expectation, taking him on tours, etc (all the things). It just took him some time to be able to fully personalize the process.

We're in a somewhat different place than you are because he got into an ED school. So he's going and it's a great school. However, of course now he's like "huh, maybe school x or school y would be a better school for me?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of students change their mind about majors. Don't choose a school based on one specific major. If she's happy with one of the schools she's accepted to, get excited about that one. It doesn't matter if some hypothetical additional school is "stronger" (whatever that means) in a specific major.

She's not thrilled, no. She's okay with it. She would absolutely be happier about some of the schools she didn't apply to. I am really kicking myself.

No, she's tricking herself and you into thinking she would be happier elsewhere. This is really a problem with some of this generation. They are overly influenced by social media and think everything should be amazing all the time.

[Anonymous]

Make the best of what’s in front of her now and if it doesn’t work out transfer after a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By senior year of high school, the kids themselves need to be in charge of their college application process. It's their experience. It's their lives. It's their careers. It's their relationships. At 17/18, they need to have a little agency and take ownership of where they want to go school. Parents are there for guidance and a financial reality check. But otherwise, the students need to own their college choices. Otherwise it leads to second guessing, detachment, a feeling of floating through life. Kids should feel a sense of accomplishment as they settle on their college choices. You can't gift this to a kid. They are much happier when they feel they've earned it and made the choices themselves. And if a kid is uninterested in their future, well, they'll learn quickly that flaking leads nowhere and they'll adjust quickly.

Idk, I agree with the poster saying kids do mature a lot over the year. Unfortunately the process requires a timeline not always in sync with maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

Right. At several points she had the opportunity to submit more applications, said I'll do it later, then she said she didn't want to bother. I should have insisted more, but I didn't want to cause more conflict and stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

I think you are using different words for the same feeling. OP is blaming herself, feeling like she messed up, etc. She is (to be blunt) stealing her kid’s experience. Her KID made decisions which her KID will now live with, and grow from. And in all likelihood will absolutely thrive over time. OP’s role is cheerleader (and bill payer) from here on out. She is not the quarterback anymore.

[Anonymous]

It's hard, but as a person who has lived/moved a lot- the key is be find what you like about where you are. Be excited and enjoy the good things about where you are.
I think this is the key to college too- I tell my DS "be excited about the places that have accepted you" - don't think too much about the unknowns, maybes, or the places that said "no." There are always other places, there's always grad school if you want to try something different later. At 18, there's so much time, and it's all ahead of you.
I think as parents, we know college is important and we want to get kids motivated, but it's resulted in so much pressure to get into the "perfect" school, find exactly the right fit, feel miserable over rejections, or feel unhappy unless things are just right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

Right. At several points she had the opportunity to submit more applications, said I'll do it later, then she said she didn't want to bother. I should have insisted more, but I didn't want to cause more conflict and stress.

That is her decision, for good or ill. Can’t you see that? She will learn from it. You can’t learn for her. And this learn-from-experience cost her pretty much nothing - she will go to a good school that has her major, right? Of course over the coming months she may experience some regrets. If you own those regrets and take them on yourself what she’ll learn is “other people should take care of me” or “if I don’t do what I must it is because other people didn’t push me to.” How do you think that plays at work, or in a marriage?

Just keep encouraging her - she did great, is going to a great school, and you are proud of her. If she expresses regrets empathize that hindsight is 20/20, and she’ll make the best of where she goes. You have faith in her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got into 7 schools. She’ll be fine at one of those 7. Don’t “what if” yourself into unhappiness.

Now she is talking about Majors more specifically, and some of the schools she didn't apply to are stronger than even the great school. So I am second-guessing. She was not ready and did not have a clear picture at the time it mattered most, and I should have done more for her.

Oh God no. The last thing she needed was you more in her business- she can’t hear herself that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

Right. At several points she had the opportunity to submit more applications, said I'll do it later, then she said she didn't want to bother. I should have insisted more, but I didn't want to cause more conflict and stress.

I’m the mother of a college freshman who was heavily involved in her daughter’s application process. I get how emotional and long this process is. You really need to stand down. This really is on your daughter WHO WILL BE FINE. In a few months, she’ll go off to one of the many schools she’s been accepted to. If it’s really not a match, she can apply to transfer.

You really need to stop with the self-flagellation.

[Anonymous]

I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.