DD applied "wrong"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

Right. At several points she had the opportunity to submit more applications, said I'll do it later, then she said she didn't want to bother. I should have insisted more, but I didn't want to cause more conflict and stress.

That is her decision, for good or ill. Can’t you see that? She will learn from it. You can’t learn for her. And this learn-from-experience cost her pretty much nothing - she will go to a good school that has her major, right? Of course over the coming months she may experience some regrets. If you own those regrets and take them on yourself what she’ll learn is “other people should take care of me” or “if I don’t do what I must it is because other people didn’t push me to.” How do you think that plays at work, or in a marriage?

Just keep encouraging her - she did great, is going to a great school, and you are proud of her. If she expresses regrets empathize that hindsight is 20/20, and she’ll make the best of where she goes. You have faith in her.

This last paragraph is key. Keep repeating it to her, and to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

Well-said. +1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By senior year of high school, the kids themselves need to be in charge of their college application process. It's their experience. It's their lives. It's their careers. It's their relationships. At 17/18, they need to have a little agency and take ownership of where they want to go school. Parents are there for guidance and a financial reality check. But otherwise, the students need to own their college choices. Otherwise it leads to second guessing, detachment, a feeling of floating through life. Kids should feel a sense of accomplishment as they settle on their college choices. You can't gift this to a kid. They are much happier when they feel they've earned it and made the choices themselves. And if a kid is uninterested in their future, well, they'll learn quickly that flaking leads nowhere and they'll adjust quickly.

Idk, I agree with the poster saying kids do mature a lot over the year. Unfortunately the process requires a timeline not always in sync with maturity.

+1

The above is most insightful post in this thread.

Life is about choices. Both action and inaction have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Expectations management. The “perfect fit” and “absolutely loving it” expectations are not realistic or healthy. Every place has its downsides, no matter how boxes it may check off. The first semester is big adjustment period. Going into any college situation with balanced expectations will make things easier.

+1 DD was eh, it's fine, about her college and college in general. Now a sophomore and feels it's absolutely the right place. It's not PERFECT IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY. But she has friends, is challenged in her classes, has some professors she likes, the program for her major is good.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t kids used to go to college to find themselves? Now I guess they are expected to find themselves much younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of students change their mind about majors. Don't choose a school based on one specific major. If she's happy with one of the schools she's accepted to, get excited about that one. It doesn't matter if some hypothetical additional school is "stronger" (whatever that means) in a specific major.

She's not thrilled, no. She's okay with it. She would absolutely be happier about some of the schools she didn't apply to. I am really kicking myself.

No, she's tricking herself and you into thinking she would be happier elsewhere. This is really a problem with some of this generation. They are overly influenced by social media and think everything should be amazing all the time.

She can't possibly know that "she would absolutely be happier". That literally is impossible. Empower your daughter by letting her know that she can handle her decisions and not fret over them. Move on! Move forward. Pick a school (she is incredibly LUCKY to have 7 from which to choose) and don't look back. She always has the option of transferring if she really hates it. Another option - take a gap year and try again next round.

I am sorry that you are stressed but really, things will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't love any of her options. It was like pulling teeth having her apply at all. I blame myself now because I should have pushed much more and balls were dropped. Out of the 7 schools she got into, she is only feeling somewhat fine about one (which is a great school). Now I am thinking about all the "what ifs" and how I should have been fine being hated and stressing her out for a couple months to get her to apply more broadly.

Hopefully her lesson learned...or will be.
Sometimes kids need to take circuitous paths to figure things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of students change their mind about majors. Don't choose a school based on one specific major. If she's happy with one of the schools she's accepted to, get excited about that one. It doesn't matter if some hypothetical additional school is "stronger" (whatever that means) in a specific major.

She's not thrilled, no. She's okay with it. She would absolutely be happier about some of the schools she didn't apply to. I am really kicking myself.

Sounds like a learning opportunity for her. Hopefully she will keep this in for grad schools/jobs/internships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got into 7 schools. She’ll be fine at one of those 7. Don’t “what if” yourself into unhappiness.

Now she is talking about Majors more specifically, and some of the schools she didn't apply to are stronger than even the great school. So I am second-guessing. She was not ready and did not have a clear picture at the time it mattered most, and I should have done more for her.

Chill. She may change her major three times in the next year and half.
Let her figure it out. It's not the end of the world to get a 4 year degree from "a great school" in any degree that has a stronger program somewhere else. College is more than a specific major -it's about getting an education and learning independence....starting with making your own choice about where to apply and which offer to accept.

[Anonymous]

DD struggled to engage in the application process because, in hindsight, she was dealing with a lot of anxiety about leaving home and going to college generally. We helped create a framework for her to manage the process while acknowledging that while she wasn’t ready to leave RIGHT now, we had time to help her prepare so she’d be (more) ready in August.

I think she also struggled because she had an unrealistic idea—reinforced by social media and other kids at school—that most students knew what they wanted to major in and that there was a “perfect” school for everyone. The pressure to find the perfect school and figure out what she wanted to do for the rest of her life was far too daunting. We did our best to dispel the idea that everyone knew what they were majoring in/were so certain about their choices etc. Also, reiterated that no place is perfect or a perfect fit and tried to help her focus on having her feel comfortable enough with the schools we looked at. Physically visiting those schools was extremely helpful with this.

Lastly, I think that all of the hoopla around the decision reveals made it seem like everyone is wildly happy with their options, had a clear vision of their future, and was ready to go. The reality is that these reveal announcements are a show. Yes, some kids are very excited about getting into a first choice but most have difficult decisions to make and are far from certain about any of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of students change their mind about majors. Don't choose a school based on one specific major. If she's happy with one of the schools she's accepted to, get excited about that one. It doesn't matter if some hypothetical additional school is "stronger" (whatever that means) in a specific major.

She's not thrilled, no. She's okay with it. She would absolutely be happier about some of the schools she didn't apply to. I am really kicking myself.

No, she's tricking herself and you into thinking she would be happier elsewhere. This is really a problem with some of this generation. They are overly influenced by social media and think everything should be amazing all the time.

She can't possibly know that "she would absolutely be happier". That literally is impossible. Empower your daughter by letting her know that she can handle her decisions and not fret over them. Move on! Move forward. Pick a school (she is incredibly LUCKY to have 7 from which to choose) and don't look back. She always has the option of transferring if she really hates it. Another option - take a gap year and try again next round.

I am sorry that you are stressed but really, things will be fine.

+1 my DD was a bit anxious about the decision and I think it helped to emphasize that this was not a "rest of your life!" decision. It's just a "next year" decision. You can always evaluate and pivot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of students change their mind about majors. Don't choose a school based on one specific major. If she's happy with one of the schools she's accepted to, get excited about that one. It doesn't matter if some hypothetical additional school is "stronger" (whatever that means) in a specific major.

She's not thrilled, no. She's okay with it. She would absolutely be happier about some of the schools she didn't apply to. I am really kicking myself.

Honey, SHE should be kicking HERself.
Let it go. On the bright side for you, since you didn't push her about it, you honestly can't say "I told you so." One of the worst things a parent says to their kids about big decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

Right. At several points she had the opportunity to submit more applications, said I'll do it later, then she said she didn't want to bother. I should have insisted more, but I didn't want to cause more conflict and stress.

This is on HER. My daughter is the same. She applied to 3 schools. If she doesn't get in to the one she's actually interested in, it's on her because she didn't put more effort into her application and she didn't seriously search for a backup that she'd be enthused, if not somewhat excited, about.

[Anonymous]

Transferring is always an option as long as freshmam grades are high.

I only applied to one state flagship. My aunt went there and my family was very supportive. I thought it had everything. The classes were good but it was socially horrible. I started planning to transfer around Thanksgiving of freshman year, unprompted by parents.

I got myself into it, I got myself out of it. It still bugs me a bit, but it was all my decision. A pretty safe screw-up in the end.

[Anonymous]

I agree with OP regarding pushing her DD more. I struggled with this with first DC. Very high stats. DC was aiming too high. They didn't have amazing activities, and thought the super high stats from a magnet would carry them. I tried to push them to apply to a broader range of schools, but they weren't having it. So, I dropped it. They only got into UMD, and wait listed for Mich, though they are a CS major which is an incredibly competitive major.

While they are happy enough at UMD now, DC agrees that they aimed too high and wasn't motivated enough in HS to do the things they needed to do to shoot for the top tiers.

I learned that lesson, and I'm pushing younger DC now about applying to a broader range. Yes, I'm the bad guy for pushing DC to take more practice SATs, study more (this DC doesn't have super high stats). We argue a lot, but I always tell DC that I'm pushing them for them, so that they have good college options. And no, I'm not talking top tier. This DC doesn't have the stats for it. But, I don't want them to be put into a position where they don't have good choices. They would not like it either.

IMO, a lot of kids are too immature to understand the consequences of their decisions, and while of course, many graduates from all sorts of colleges do fine, when the time comes for college acceptance, not having those good options can be depressing. I want my DC to be happy about their choice and feel excited about going off to college. They want that, too. They just don't seem to put 2 and 2 together sometimes.

Sometimes kids need to be pushed more.