DD applied "wrong"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

This should be shouted from the rooftops. Parents come in and save their kids from the slightest repercussion of their actions at every turn.

That doesn't apply to a huge decision like this one. I always wonder who people making these sorts of comments are.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's easy to second-guess ourselves as parents. I do it literally every day. We don't get a re-do, ever. And it's ok to vent about this here.

Your D will be fine. Personally, I think you did the right thing in not pushing at the time. This is not a case where she wasn't going to end up with enough options. Sounds like she has plenty. They might not seem optimal, but you said that at least one of them is great.

If she wants, let her dig into Common App and see if the other schools in question are still accepting applications past their deadlines, as many schools do.

But other than that, I agree with what a PP said above that another PP bolded, about encouraging her and telling her you're proud of her, etc. She may feel disappointed in herself that she didn't apply to other schools that were on the table, that's not your fault, and she WILL get over it. The thing to do now - if all her results are back - is to focus on the options in front of her, pick one, and start getting excited about that school, picking classes, dorm preferences, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

Right. At several points she had the opportunity to submit more applications, said I'll do it later, then she said she didn't want to bother. I should have insisted more, but I didn't want to cause more conflict and stress.

This is on HER. My daughter is the same. She applied to 3 schools. If she doesn't get in to the one she's actually interested in, it's on her because she didn't put more effort into her application and she didn't seriously search for a backup that she'd be enthused, if not somewhat excited, about.

dp.. I get what you are saying, but this is not a situation where she decided to not take a jacket even though you told her that it was going to be really cold, and she was really cold all day. That's a one day natural consequences.

This is about 4 years of their lives.

I would've insisted more. Some teens just can't strategize for long term. And no, I'm not talking about top tier, but even colleges like UMD are getting really hard to get into for middling students.

I don't believe it was a matter of not being able to strategize. She just had no idea what she wanted or where to begin to figure it out.
On paper, she should be a shoe-in for the one college. The mistake I fear she's made is being so confident she'll be accepted. That will be the hardest life lesson she's ever had if she isn't. I don't have a sense of her chances for the other two.

But I can't fill out the applications for her. I can't write the essays for her - though I know some parents do. She wouldn't even let us proofread her essay. Best I could do was set her up with a friend of ours she was comfortable to let help her and find the balance of pushing her forward but not pushing too hard. And nag her.

She had no clue what she was looking for - or should look for - in a college and wasn't taking any initiative to figure it out. We eventually just signed her up for some college tours and told her we were going. She needed to get onto some campuses and start getting a feel and figuring something out about what she might like or not like. I think, along with having no clue what she wants to study, she was overwhelmed. WAnting to not go too far away and looking for a few specific boxes to check, the options were greatly narrowed. Too narrowed.
All we can do is hope her presumption of acceptance to the one school is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

This should be shouted from the rooftops. Parents come in and save their kids from the slightest repercussion of their actions at every turn.

That doesn't apply to a huge decision like this one. I always wonder who people making these sorts of comments are.

+1 certain natural consequences are fine. Life altering ones, not so much.

[Anonymous]

Op—the accepted student events were very helpful for DS. Even though not all of the kids who apply end up at the school, you do get a sense of who might be there with you, there are a lot of current students helping out, you can go to sample lectures/meet professors and just generally get a feel for campus. DS chose not to stay over anywhere but many schools have that as an option too.

Continue to stress that not everyone knows what they want to do, the most extroverted kids post, etc. Ask DD to talk through her observations and when she says something like “I’m not sure I like X” or “I really like Y” ask her to evaluate how important X or Y is in her priorities.

Deep breath. She’s going to be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

IMO, it's not about incompetence, but the lack of motivation and understanding about how competitive colleges are these days, and how the parent has gone through college (most of the cases) while the child has not.

DP. This can be said about each subsequent generation. My parents did not take charge of my college process other than requiring me to apply to at least one state school. Yes, colleges are more competitive; but they were also more competitive when I was applying than when my parents went.
I agree with the PPP that the way we parent is sending messages to our kids that they are not as capable. I believe our schools give them that message as well all the time: with the constant unnecessary reminders of things like attendance is important (how about stopping those messages IN school to the kids who ARE there every day and direct them to families whose kids are absent?); with lowering of expectations to the lowest common denominator; by giving them multiple attempts and almost endless deadlines for assignments - we know you're going to need more than one try!; etc.
And our kids know that if they don't do it, their parents will ultimately do it or make sure it's taken care of....they always do because they don't want their kid to fail or miss out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

This should be shouted from the rooftops. Parents come in and save their kids from the slightest repercussion of their actions at every turn.

That doesn't apply to a huge decision like this one. I always wonder who people making these sorts of comments are.

Yes, it absolutely applies to the college process. I am the one who made the original comment about OP sending a message of incompetence to her kid. You wonder who I am? I am a parent of three - one college grad, one college junior and one 12th grader. I am also someone who navigated the (albeit much simpler) college (and later, law school) admissions processes by myself.

[Anonymous]

My DD has a dream school. She could not care about any other school besides this one school. Despite telling her that there are other schools, in better locations, with better programs in a major she seemingly chose out of thin air. I gave up and let her put all her efforts into this one reach school. She applied to about 5 other schools, basically pulling names out of a hat.
She did not get into dream school.
And is now in a tizzy because she hates her other choices. And she announced she is not interested in her major and doesn't know what she wants to do.

All this to say you aren't alone....

What we did and are doing - touring the schools she got into. Telling her that every school will prepare her for the next step (career or grad school) and that no one (her friends, her teachers, other parents) can legitimately state that one school is better that the other unless they have been to all of these schools. These are opinions based on their own personal preferences and what they have "heard". I told her that she doesn't need to choose a major right away and finally, she can transfer out if there isn't a fit.

After touring a couple schools, she actually does like one of them. We are waiting for other results. She is still sad about not making it to her dream school, but she is getting excited about the other prospects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

This should be shouted from the rooftops. Parents come in and save their kids from the slightest repercussion of their actions at every turn.

That doesn't apply to a huge decision like this one. I always wonder who people making these sorts of comments are.

Yes, it absolutely applies to the college process. I am the one who made the original comment about OP sending a message of incompetence to her kid. You wonder who I am? I am a parent of three - one college grad, one college junior and one 12th grader. I am also someone who navigated the (albeit much simpler) college (and later, law school) admissions processes by myself.

That is smugness from having kids who matured a little earlier, nothing else.

[Anonymous]

There are some schools with Feb 1 due dates. I might ask DD if she’s interested in applying. My niece did this. She didn’t get into her dream school and then struggled to see herself at any of the schools she got into. She ended up applying to and attending one of the last minute application schools. I think she figured out more of what she wanted during the process and unfortunately by the time decisions came back she had a different vision. Fully support helping DD get excited about her choices but this could also be an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She got into 7 schools. She’ll be fine at one of those 7. Don’t “what if” yourself into unhappiness.

Now she is talking about Majors more specifically, and some of the schools she didn't apply to are stronger than even the great school. So I am second-guessing. She was not ready and did not have a clear picture at the time it mattered most, and I should have done more for her.

No, she will be fine. She's in at 7 schools, and it seems they all have her possible major(s). So she is good.

[Anonymous]

I feel you OP. They still have schools to hear back from but I second-guess whether DC should have applied to a couple more RD. They some schools that they've been accepted to and like but the schools are on the more expensive end. Hoping the Venn diagram of desirability and affordability works out. (And yes, they know our budget and that merit aid would be needed to make certain schools work.)

[Anonymous]

All along the way, the college admissions process is affected by decisions made before the kids were really mature enough to make certain decisions and judgments. I'll give an example, my sophomore D is the kid who turns in great work and would probably have all As if they turned everything in, didn't listen to harping on grades because it stresses her out, so I had to really take a step back except for situations where her grades were dropping precipitously. As it is, there are a couple of Cs freshman year that will exclude her being able to consider top schools. Now, suddenly, thanks to some of her friends, she is beginning to understand that grades and GPA drive the process, and she has been more focused on pulling out the grades. At least she has the rigor, but she already limited her options. The cake is partly baked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP.

My kid has matured A LOT in the past 3-6 months. He is 100% more engaged with the idea of going to college now than he was 6 months ago. This was despite growing up in an house where college was the expectation, taking him on tours, etc (all the things). It just took him some time to be able to fully personalize the process.

We're in a somewhat different place than you are because he got into an ED school. So he's going and it's a great school. However, of course now he's like "huh, maybe school x or school y would be a better school for me?"

And this is where you help your kid see that "yes the grass might appear greener over there, but you had a top choice, you applied and managed to get in ED. Now you can sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of senior year". Just look at your friends who didnt' get in ED (likely many of them) and now they have to wait and wonder where they Will be going. You are all set

It is up to us as parents to help manage the emotions and not allow them to get worked up over the "what ifs". Because in reality, the ED accepted kids DO have it easier. They got into their top choice and are done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t kids used to go to college to find themselves? Now I guess they are expected to find themselves much younger.

This. They start having kids think about careers in middle school. And in school districts with choice programs, many need to make that decision before going to the STEM program. It's ridiculous. Everyone should be getting a holistic (formerly known as liberal arts) education at least through high school - I argue even in college. Life is about more than training for a specific job to make at least "x" amount of money. It's about developing as a person, which includes being educated and knowledgeable about stuff beyond your career focus.

This isn't new. I remember doing career planning activities in middle school...in the 90s...in the Midwest (gasp it's so backwards there, how could anyone let their child live there).

I think it's fine to have "career exposure" and "career wheels." But having to decide about a STEM program high school v. a small program v. a school with IB v. etc., I think is unfortunate. And the real problem is the pressure the high schools put on the students to be thinking about their career choices from the first day of 9th grade until the day of graduation.