DD applied "wrong"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

Right. At several points she had the opportunity to submit more applications, said I'll do it later, then she said she didn't want to bother. I should have insisted more, but I didn't want to cause more conflict and stress.

This is on HER. My daughter is the same. She applied to 3 schools. If she doesn't get in to the one she's actually interested in, it's on her because she didn't put more effort into her application and she didn't seriously search for a backup that she'd be enthused, if not somewhat excited, about.

dp.. I get what you are saying, but this is not a situation where she decided to not take a jacket even though you told her that it was going to be really cold, and she was really cold all day. That's a one day natural consequences.

This is about 4 years of their lives.

I would've insisted more. Some teens just can't strategize for long term. And no, I'm not talking about top tier, but even colleges like UMD are getting really hard to get into for middling students.

I don't believe it was a matter of not being able to strategize. She just had no idea what she wanted or where to begin to figure it out.
On paper, she should be a shoe-in for the one college. The mistake I fear she's made is being so confident she'll be accepted. That will be the hardest life lesson she's ever had if she isn't. I don't have a sense of her chances for the other two.

But I can't fill out the applications for her. I can't write the essays for her - though I know some parents do. She wouldn't even let us proofread her essay. Best I could do was set her up with a friend of ours she was comfortable to let help her and find the balance of pushing her forward but not pushing too hard. And nag her.

She had no clue what she was looking for - or should look for - in a college and wasn't taking any initiative to figure it out. We eventually just signed her up for some college tours and told her we were going. She needed to get onto some campuses and start getting a feel and figuring something out about what she might like or not like. I think, along with having no clue what she wants to study, she was overwhelmed. WAnting to not go too far away and looking for a few specific boxes to check, the options were greatly narrowed. Too narrowed.
All we can do is hope her presumption of acceptance to the one school is right.

I'm the PP... yes, exactly what happened to my older DC now at UMD. Applying broadly is part of the strategy. I didn't help with any of the essays, either. They let me finally look at everything once they were done and ready to hit "send" just to have a second pair of eyes on it.

Yes, it's overwhelming. I agree. Like I said, most kids are not mature enough or have the drive to be really organized and know where to start. IMO, that's where parents come and help them organize their thoughts. Trouble is, like your kid, a lot of kids don't even want to start thinking about it until it's too late. Sorry, but I'm not going to let such an important life decision to natural consequences. College is super expensive. We are investing close to $200K on four years of their lives. That's a serious commitment.

IMO, the hardest part of all this for most kids is being organized. So, you help (push) them to be organized.

It's really maddening. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

It's too late now for your DC to lament not starting earlier. I agree with PPs that you should put a positive spin on it. "No use crying over spilled milk". Help your DC get excited about the college they will be going to.

My DC who ended up at UMD was not excited about it until the day before move in. UMD was their last choice, but for the most part, their only choice, but they seem satisfied with being there, though of course, they would've been happier with their first choice. Still, they are doing ok, if not ecstatic. They have a good internship lined up for the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

IMO, it's not about incompetence, but the lack of motivation and understanding about how competitive colleges are these days, and how the parent has gone through college (most of the cases) while the child has not.

OP here and she is far from incompetent. She's a great student and I haven't had to worry once about her grades...She just does very well on her own and this is the first time since elementary school I had to help her in a significant way with something. It did feel like regression and mixed signals, but was I supposed to leave her to fend for herself for something so important? No. I don't regret helping, but I do regret not helping more. College though has been daunting and yes, I think social media has a big impact: seeing how kids are at a given school (I try to tell her that is the small portion of students posting that much who are more extroverted, look a certain way...), seeing most of her friends have a major already, seeing how hyperexcited some kids are. She doesn't see herself in any of this.

This is just peer pressure which all adolescents experience.
If she doesn' tknow what she wants to study, and never had a big drive to go to school in a particular part of the country or to a specific school, then she was probably just overwhelmed by it all and didn' tknow where to begin. Clearly you helped her beyond that, given she has SEVEN college acceptances. You did your job. She has quality options. She'll succeed in life. Relax.

[Anonymous]

Going back to the original post ~ your DD got into 7 schools. That's a lot. She has plenty of choices. It seems like it's hard for your daughter to be happy, maybe generally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t kids used to go to college to find themselves? Now I guess they are expected to find themselves much younger.

This. They start having kids think about careers in middle school. And in school districts with choice programs, many need to make that decision before going to the STEM program. It's ridiculous. Everyone should be getting a holistic (formerly known as liberal arts) education at least through high school - I argue even in college. Life is about more than training for a specific job to make at least "x" amount of money. It's about developing as a person, which includes being educated and knowledgeable about stuff beyond your career focus.

I have never seen a HS where you don't get a well rounded education. Both of ours (kids attended 2 HSs) required 4 years of English, 3.5 years of History, 3 years of science, 4 years of math, 2 years of PE, 2 years of FL (or an equivalent replacement) and 2 years of Art/Music courses. How is that not well rounded?

now my STEM focused kid (at T40 school majoring in Engineering and minoring in CS) took all AP STEM courses and no interest in AP Humanities/Social Sciences (beyond Psychology) and there is nothing wrong with that. Sure they could have stressed themselves with the advanced AP for those courses, but chose to focus on their interests. Junior in college and those interests have not changed--we didnt' push STEM, it's just their natural interests (parents were both CS/Engineering majors so no surprise they have STEM talents).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she actually ready for college if it was like pulling teeth to get her to apply and now she isn’t interested in any of her choices?

+1. It’s very strange that OP thinks she should have pushed more and made more decisions for her daughter. This is their process, not ours.

I don't think that's what she's saying. She regrets not having provided stronger guidance at a more opportune time.

Right. At several points she had the opportunity to submit more applications, said I'll do it later, then she said she didn't want to bother. I should have insisted more, but I didn't want to cause more conflict and stress.

This is on HER. My daughter is the same. She applied to 3 schools. If she doesn't get in to the one she's actually interested in, it's on her because she didn't put more effort into her application and she didn't seriously search for a backup that she'd be enthused, if not somewhat excited, about.

dp.. I get what you are saying, but this is not a situation where she decided to not take a jacket even though you told her that it was going to be really cold, and she was really cold all day. That's a one day natural consequences.

This is about 4 years of their lives.

I would've insisted more. Some teens just can't strategize for long term. And no, I'm not talking about top tier, but even colleges like UMD are getting really hard to get into for middling students.

No, her daughter applied to and was accepted to 7 SCHOOLS! It's not like she was applying to only 1 school and hoping to get admitted. Or she was applying to 7 T25 schools and hoping to win the lottery.
She obviuosly applied to many targets and safeties.

You can encourage your kids to apply to more, but if they don't do it, then they get to pick from what they did do.

At some point, your kid has to be motivated.

And if you cannot get them to apply to more than say 1 college, well CC is a backup and quite possibly where they belong if they are not mature enough yet to want to apply to 4-5 colleges to gain admission to a few to choose from.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is in 11th grade but very stubborn so take this for what it’s worth. It’s definitely not my job to keep pushing my kid harder for something it’s not clear to me they want. It’s not my job to push them to do what they claim they want either.

I come from a background that was pretty tiger parent and I saw lots of kids fall apart once they left their parents’ houses. My goal was to avoid that and let my kids’ drive (or lack there of) be the guide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's easy to second-guess ourselves as parents. I do it literally every day. We don't get a re-do, ever. And it's ok to vent about this here.

Your D will be fine. Personally, I think you did the right thing in not pushing at the time. This is not a case where she wasn't going to end up with enough options. Sounds like she has plenty. They might not seem optimal, but you said that at least one of them is great.

If she wants, let her dig into Common App and see if the other schools in question are still accepting applications past their deadlines, as many schools do.

But other than that, I agree with what a PP said above that another PP bolded, about encouraging her and telling her you're proud of her, etc. She may feel disappointed in herself that she didn't apply to other schools that were on the table, that's not your fault, and she WILL get over it. The thing to do now - if all her results are back - is to focus on the options in front of her, pick one, and start getting excited about that school, picking classes, dorm preferences, etc.

Excellent comments.
OP, keep in mind two things:
1. often kids who are so excited about a particular school get there and find out they hate it - and transfer.
2. often kids don't even get admitted to their first choice school and go to one they're not so enthusiastic about - and love it and can't imagine themselves anywhere else.

I suspect it isn't about any specific college for your daughter. It seems it's more about general anxiety about the next chapter in her life, having to make the "right" or "best" decision. Assure her there is no "right" or "wrong" decision here. She can't keep focusing on "what if." She needs to make a thoughtful decision based on her options and she will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

IMO, it's not about incompetence, but the lack of motivation and understanding about how competitive colleges are these days, and how the parent has gone through college (most of the cases) while the child has not.

OP here and she is far from incompetent. She's a great student and I haven't had to worry once about her grades...She just does very well on her own and this is the first time since elementary school I had to help her in a significant way with something. It did feel like regression and mixed signals, but was I supposed to leave her to fend for herself for something so important? No. I don't regret helping, but I do regret not helping more. College though has been daunting and yes, I think social media has a big impact: seeing how kids are at a given school (I try to tell her that is the small portion of students posting that much who are more extroverted, look a certain way...), seeing most of her friends have a major already, seeing how hyperexcited some kids are. She doesn't see herself in any of this.

She literally has 7 colleges with admissions in hand. She applied to plenty of places. Now she gets to pick from those choices (and any others that arrive before April). She will find her path. Tell her to get off Social Media and realize that 60%+ of college kids change their majors at least once. So pick the school with the widest variety of majors and the easiest ability to switch amongst them and what seems like the best overall fit (after revisiting if possible) and be excited. She is in at SEVEN universities. That is amazing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

This should be shouted from the rooftops. Parents come in and save their kids from the slightest repercussion of their actions at every turn.

That doesn't apply to a huge decision like this one. I always wonder who people making these sorts of comments are.

+1 certain natural consequences are fine. Life altering ones, not so much.

Life-altering: college v. no college
Life-effecting: this good college v. that good college v. might be a better college for your current major

Parent intervention for the first is quite reasonable. For the second, really not that critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

This should be shouted from the rooftops. Parents come in and save their kids from the slightest repercussion of their actions at every turn.

That doesn't apply to a huge decision like this one. I always wonder who people making these sorts of comments are.

You help your kid with college admissions. But the OP says her DD is admitted/IN at 7 colleges. That is not "Failure". That's awesome! They all have the current area of interest/major for the DD. Exactly what you want.
Ultimately, you need to allow your kid to pick their college---because when something isn't perfect freshman year (AND THAT WILL HAPPEN--freshman year has it's ups and downs for literally every student, it's a huge adjustment), you don't want them blaming you that "you made me pick this school, I never wanted to attend here".

This isn't a kid who begrudgingly applied to only one school. They are in at SEVEN schools. So you don't need to push them more. If they truly wanted to attend a higher ranked school, they would have applied to them and written the extra supplemental essays. Just know that even if they did that and stressed themselves out with all the extra work, they most likely would't get admitted because T25 schools are low admission rates. So I don't blame your kid for being done with 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has a dream school. She could not care about any other school besides this one school. Despite telling her that there are other schools, in better locations, with better programs in a major she seemingly chose out of thin air. I gave up and let her put all her efforts into this one reach school. She applied to about 5 other schools, basically pulling names out of a hat.
She did not get into dream school.
And is now in a tizzy because she hates her other choices. And she announced she is not interested in her major and doesn't know what she wants to do.

All this to say you aren't alone....

What we did and are doing - touring the schools she got into. Telling her that every school will prepare her for the next step (career or grad school) and that no one (her friends, her teachers, other parents) can legitimately state that one school is better that the other unless they have been to all of these schools. These are opinions based on their own personal preferences and what they have "heard". I told her that she doesn't need to choose a major right away and finally, she can transfer out if there isn't a fit.

After touring a couple schools, she actually does like one of them. We are waiting for other results. She is still sad about not making it to her dream school, but she is getting excited about the other prospects.

This is an excellent example of why you should work to convince your student to have a great balance of reaches, targets and safeties. And that the targets and safeties are not actual choices if your kid doesn't LIKE the school. You have the opportunity to select them carefully, and given that most kids do NOT get into their reaches (they are called reaches for a reason and for top students, most are single digit acceptance rates), you need to focus on Targets and safeties so you will ultimately pick from choices you LIKE

Also, why you don't hype up a dream school mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

This should be shouted from the rooftops. Parents come in and save their kids from the slightest repercussion of their actions at every turn.

That doesn't apply to a huge decision like this one. I always wonder who people making these sorts of comments are.

Yes, it absolutely applies to the college process. I am the one who made the original comment about OP sending a message of incompetence to her kid. You wonder who I am? I am a parent of three - one college grad, one college junior and one 12th grader. I am also someone who navigated the (albeit much simpler) college (and later, law school) admissions processes by myself.

That is smugness from having kids who matured a little earlier, nothing else.

DP: if your kid isn't ready to manage at least 75-80%+ of the process themselves, they likely are not ready for a 4 year college. And CC with a plan to transfer might be the best use of your money. Or whatever 4 year they manage to get into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder when parents like OP will understand that they are sending the message that their kids are incompetent and need mommy to “do more” for them and take charge. It is a main reason (along with social media) for the rise in teen and youth anxiety and mental health issues.

This should be shouted from the rooftops. Parents come in and save their kids from the slightest repercussion of their actions at every turn.

That doesn't apply to a huge decision like this one. I always wonder who people making these sorts of comments are.

Yes, it absolutely applies to the college process. I am the one who made the original comment about OP sending a message of incompetence to her kid. You wonder who I am? I am a parent of three - one college grad, one college junior and one 12th grader. I am also someone who navigated the (albeit much simpler) college (and later, law school) admissions processes by myself.

That is smugness from having kids who matured a little earlier, nothing else.

DP: if your kid isn't ready to manage at least 75-80%+ of the process themselves, they likely are not ready for a 4 year college. And CC with a plan to transfer might be the best use of your money. Or whatever 4 year they manage to get into.

The issue here is what you consider the process to be. It varies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All along the way, the college admissions process is affected by decisions made before the kids were really mature enough to make certain decisions and judgments. I'll give an example, my sophomore D is the kid who turns in great work and would probably have all As if they turned everything in, didn't listen to harping on grades because it stresses her out, so I had to really take a step back except for situations where her grades were dropping precipitously. As it is, there are a couple of Cs freshman year that will exclude her being able to consider top schools. Now, suddenly, thanks to some of her friends, she is beginning to understand that grades and GPA drive the process, and she has been more focused on pulling out the grades. At least she has the rigor, but she already limited her options. The cake is partly baked.

Outside of T50 schools, she will be fine. There are plenty in the 50+ range that will see it for what it is---a kid figuring things out after freshman year and moving forward.

And in reality, if your kid wasn't a striver in Freshman year, they likely will never have the personality/strong desire to actually be at a T25 school--it would be an expensive and miserable experience for a kid like that if they were to somehow get admitted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has a dream school. She could not care about any other school besides this one school. Despite telling her that there are other schools, in better locations, with better programs in a major she seemingly chose out of thin air. I gave up and let her put all her efforts into this one reach school. She applied to about 5 other schools, basically pulling names out of a hat.
She did not get into dream school.
And is now in a tizzy because she hates her other choices. And she announced she is not interested in her major and doesn't know what she wants to do.

All this to say you aren't alone....

What we did and are doing - touring the schools she got into. Telling her that every school will prepare her for the next step (career or grad school) and that no one (her friends, her teachers, other parents) can legitimately state that one school is better that the other unless they have been to all of these schools. These are opinions based on their own personal preferences and what they have "heard". I told her that she doesn't need to choose a major right away and finally, she can transfer out if there isn't a fit.

After touring a couple schools, she actually does like one of them. We are waiting for other results. She is still sad about not making it to her dream school, but she is getting excited about the other prospects.

This is it! Lots of kids have one dream school - and don't get in. I was waitlisted for what I thought my dream school was and ended up going to what was originally my third choice (of three schools I applied to). Was I miserable because I was not at my dream school? No. Would I have been happier if I had gotten into that school? Highly doubt it. Would my life path been different? Maybe, maybe not.

It's hard to imagine being happy or content someplace else when you've put your entire heart and soul and dreams into one specific school. Almost every student applying has a first choice and a lot of them don't get in. This is not a rare life crisis and certainly not a matter of life or death or success or failure.

Now that your child's dream is no longer a possibility, they are able to start looking seriously at what other schools have to offer.
I think OP's daughter just doesn't know what she wants and is anxious about making what she thinks is a one-shot-only, all-important, life-determining decision. It's a big decision, but it's not one that ends all hope for her future if she chooses one school over another. She has several options - not just one or two. If she's looking for even more options at this point, she's just nervous about making a bad decision or has decision-paralysis.