Having a hard time with daughter's "lifestyle" choices...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop worrying about who she’s dating any needs to stop thinking of who she “ sees herself with”
She’s 20, she’s got plenty of time for all this.
The bigger concern is not finding her people. Having a GF is not the reason.

Of course the gf is the reason.

OP here --so if GF is the reason what if anything more can I say at this point?

Seems your daughter longs for deep meaningful connection where she is someone's center and totally emotionally connected -maybe even enmeshed, she doesn't know how to do that in groups (doesn't matter if its lgbt groups or straight girlfriends), she doesn't know how to put herself out there to meet guys (she probably wouldnt be comfortable with some guy rejecting her (which as we know is normal part of dating)..if you are not a troll I will say this in the nicest possible way--from the outside it looks like your daughter has recreated the relationship she has with you with this girlfriend -its familiar and comforting but maybe stifling. The best thing you can do is back off an help her separate herself emotionally from you--because that is the only way she will be able to figure out who she is and what she wants. Please dont be shamed into submission but dcum--its totally normal if you prefer your daughter end up straight than guy...just like its normal if you prefer she be a doctor rather than an artist--the most important thing is that she knows and you know you would love her no matter what.
Give your daughter breathing room, let her become her own person....

OP here- it looks like your daughter has recreated the relationship she has with you with this girlfriend -it's familiar and comforting but maybe stifling. this is actually EXACTLY what I think. I feel like GF is taking on my role. My dd is super competent in so many areas but relies on me a little too much in others. she will be living in another city this summer. I am hoping this helps her to gain some confidence and independence.

So you’re jealous of the GF?

And are you so blind that you cannot see how your extreme over-involvement in her social/romantic life is interferinf with her independence? Let her make mistakes, if this is a mistake. It’s ok. And you really need therapy.

Op here --omg I am not jealous. I am concerned. I think my daughter is too dependent on me and has found a more grown up relationship with this girl but she provides much of the same. As the other poster said. I am not sure why you think I am jealous. I would love her to be more independent but I don't want to push her away. we actually enjoy each other very much.

You realize none of this is your business and you getting involved is why she is too dependent on you. You are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that she has brought up she hasn’t found friends would make me feel bad too and want to help. Could you encourage her to talk to a therapist for some strategies to help her deal better with social situations. And as nicely as possible remind her that a significant other can’t fill every need and it is best for the relationship for her to make some friends of her own. This is true no matter who she is dating - man or woman.

Op here— yes I agree on all fronts. She has kind of friends here and there but she’s craving like a group of three or four girls that always get their meals together and things like that just more consistency. I think she definitely has friends but again, just not the kind of cohesive group she would like. it’s funny because I do have another daughter and the daughter who’s struggling to find her people is incredibly mature and very socially adept so I don’t completely understand it. I think part of it is she’s very picky about who she spends time with. I think she can get a little intolerant.

Your DD sounds a little like mine OP. She gets enmeshed and co-dependent when she is in a relationship. For now, forget the gender of the current partner. That is fine and let your DD explore, she will figure out her preferences. What you need to help her with is finding other people to fill out her social circle. One person cannot be everything. And what if that relationship falls apart, who else has she cultivated relationships with, who else is part of her social support group? Does she invest in these relationships when the GF is not around? Also, determine if there is any anxiety at play (that's my DD's issue) so ask questions about how she makes the first steps to connecting with others. It's okay to express that you are worried about how her social support seems to be only one person right now. Just keep asking gentle questions and plant seeds.

[Anonymous]

Butt out. You are way too involved in your daughter’s life and sexuality.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

This is what I am doing exactly. trying very, very hard. I never talk about dating with her just ways to connect with others and form consistent friendships. But then I get frustrated on a Saturday when GF is coming to visit. very frustrated.

this is an unhealthy level of enmeshment. you need therapy.

Really? You don’t worry about your kids when you know they are making dumb decisions ? Oh, you don’t have kids, do you?

OP has not explained why this is a “dumb decision.” OP monitoring what her daughter is doing every Saturday at college and getting upset that she is not socializing the way she thinks she should be is extremely enmeshed.

OP here--I get that. truly. I wish she were more independent. I think she's starting to realize that.

Op, do you realize this need for independence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

This is what I am doing exactly. trying very, very hard. I never talk about dating with her just ways to connect with others and form consistent friendships. But then I get frustrated on a Saturday when GF is coming to visit. very frustrated.

I'm sure that comes across.

So you are completely unsuccessful at it.

This is a you problem, OP. She may have other issues, social anxiety, social skills problems, etc. and you are so caught up that the forest is being missed for the trees due to your own emotional reactivity and homophobia. You may be right about everything but that does not help the situation.

Did your DD have friends in middle school and high school? Did she have interests, hobbies, etc. that she could use to connect to others now? You say she never dated in HS? Or did she have a super close friend and keep it on the down low? Or has she always struggled a bit socially?

Where is her dad in all this, and other sibs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

This is what I am doing exactly. trying very, very hard. I never talk about dating with her just ways to connect with others and form consistent friendships. But then I get frustrated on a Saturday when GF is coming to visit. very frustrated.

this is an unhealthy level of enmeshment. you need therapy.

Really? You don’t worry about your kids when you know they are making dumb decisions ? Oh, you don’t have kids, do you?

OP has not explained why this is a “dumb decision.” OP monitoring what her daughter is doing every Saturday at college and getting upset that she is not socializing the way she thinks she should be is extremely enmeshed.

OP here--I get that. truly. I wish she were more independent. I think she's starting to realize that.

Op, do you realize this need for independence?

She needs to be independent of YOU, OP. The gf may be a means to that end.

You need therapy to help you with radical acceptance of the idea that your adult child(ren) are not you and make their own choices.

Are you married, OP? Do you have other kids? If yes, where does your DD fall in birth order?

[Anonymous]

Take the gay/straight angst out of the equation.

Is her relationship a healthy one? Is she making friends do at school? Also only advise when she ASKS for advice. Otherwise I’d lean heavily on just listening and empathizing that yes college can be tough and yes relationships can be hard to manage.

If she’s straight, she wouldn’t be having sex with a woman. So she might be bisexual. Who she is having sex with isn’t really the point. It’s whether she’s in a healthy supportive relationship that matters.

[Anonymous]

Just accept that she's gay or bi. Stop trying to get her to change her situation. Behave the way you would if she had a boyfriend. How's Liz? How's her job going? Tell me about her family.

Stop being weird.

[Anonymous]

The problem seems to be that she is passive and perhaps under the influence of this young person she is dating. Is that what you're worried about? That she will go through life not doing the things she actually wants to do, for want of initiative and because she can't advocate for herself as much as she should? The root cause of the problem seems to be social anxiety and insecurity.

The gender of the person she dates, or eventually marries, is irrelevant. What matters is whether she feels she is going through life on her own terms, or someone else's. It will matter in her professional life, not just her private life.

This is something she can get help with in therapy, the goal of which will be to develop self-advocacy. I would push for therapy.

[Anonymous]

Op here-she is super successful in other aspects of her life. Does very well academically. At a super, competitive school. She advocates for herself and is extremely on top of things in her life. I am not homophobic but I know that life can be tougher for gay people and like any parent you never want to see them face ugly things etc. I think most people on this board if given option would prefer their kids are straight but that doesn't mean I am homophobic. She has put herself out there-joined groups, and has friends. Just not exactly the friends she wants. She and her sister went to an all girls school. very little dating opporunity and not much socializing due to covid. I appreciate what some have said that I just have to let this play out and the girl she's dating is nice and there's nothing objectionable about her. I don't know the dynamics of the relationship. I get it there's little to be done. I am just trying to manage my own issues. I get it.

[Anonymous]

At least she can’t get pregnant with her girlfriend. She is way too young for you to be worrying about long term.

[Anonymous]

Let her find her own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just accept that she's gay or bi. Stop trying to get her to change her situation. Behave the way you would if she had a boyfriend. How's Liz? How's her job going? Tell me about her family.

Stop being weird.

She is gay or bi, boo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just accept that she's gay or bi. Stop trying to get her to change her situation. Behave the way you would if she had a boyfriend. How's Liz? How's her job going? Tell me about her family.

Stop being weird.

She is gay or bi, boo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just accept that she's gay or bi. Stop trying to get her to change her situation. Behave the way you would if she had a boyfriend. How's Liz? How's her job going? Tell me about her family.

Stop being weird.

She is gay or bi, boo.

The girlfriend is, not the ops daughter, boo.