Having a hard time with daughter's "lifestyle" choices...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here-she is super successful in other aspects of her life. Does very well academically. At a super, competitive school. She advocates for herself and is extremely on top of things in her life. I am not homophobic but I know that life can be tougher for gay people and like any parent you never want to see them face ugly things etc. I think most people on this board if given option would prefer their kids are straight but that doesn't mean I am homophobic. She has put herself out there-joined groups, and has friends. Just not exactly the friends she wants. She and her sister went to an all girls school. very little dating opporunity and not much socializing due to covid. I appreciate what some have said that I just have to let this play out and the girl she's dating is nice and there's nothing objectionable about her. I don't know the dynamics of the relationship. I get it there's little to be done. I am just trying to manage my own issues. I get it.

Gay person here. I do believe you when you say you’re not homophobic in the sense that you accept gay people and don’t think there’s something wrong with us. But the way you assume queerness, especially advertised queerness (dating a girl), will/is making your daughter's life worse will absolutely read as not accepting to a sensitive 20yo on her first relationship. Treat the girlfriend the same way you would treat a semi serious boyfriend and stop worrying so much about her sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly are you upset about?

OP here: 1) I am upset that she hasn't built a full life at college and feels lonely there at times and that having a gf come for part of every weekend is not helpful to accomplish a happier life there, and probably is a crutch to some extend to deal with loneliness.
2) she says she sees herself with a guy and she's never had a relationship with a guy and though she disagrees, I don't think she will meet a guy when she's involved with a girl.

You can ask her once, "do you think that having a long distance relationship is interfering in your settling in at school?"
Im not sure how important it is for her to "practice" with guys to have a "traditional relationship" - which she may or may not wind up in long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly are you upset about?

OP here: 1) I am upset that she hasn't built a full life at college and feels lonely there at times and that having a gf come for part of every weekend is not helpful to accomplish a happier life there, and probably is a crutch to some extend to deal with loneliness.
2) she says she sees herself with a guy and she's never had a relationship with a guy and though she disagrees, I don't think she will meet a guy when she's involved with a girl.

You can ask her once, "do you think that having a long distance relationship is interfering in your settling in at school?"
Im not sure how important it is for her to "practice" with guys to have a "traditional relationship" - which she may or may not wind up in long term.

OP-I have asked her this and she says no. But not sure she has the life experience to appreciate that.

[Anonymous]

Why are young people talking about all this with their parents? These are the things you deal with on your own and experiment on your own while in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly are you upset about?

OP here: 1) I am upset that she hasn't built a full life at college and feels lonely there at times and that having a gf come for part of every weekend is not helpful to accomplish a happier life there, and probably is a crutch to some extend to deal with loneliness.
2) she says she sees herself with a guy and she's never had a relationship with a guy and though she disagrees, I don't think she will meet a guy when she's involved with a girl.

You can ask her once, "do you think that having a long distance relationship is interfering in your settling in at school?"
Im not sure how important it is for her to "practice" with guys to have a "traditional relationship" - which she may or may not wind up in long term.

OP-I have asked her this and she says no. But not sure she has the life experience to appreciate that.

Well I guess you need to take a deep breath and let her gain that life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the fact that you describe this situation by quotes surrounding the word lifestyle is very telling to me.

Here is what I think is maybe going on. Your daughter is very likely happy in her lesbian relationship and while she may be a bisexual, she may just be telling you what you want to hear when she says she has crushes on guys and sees herself ending up with a guy, etc.

You might be coming across to her as more than a little homophobic, and she is struggling with trying to keep your love and approval and also trying to be herself.

Have you ever told her that it's entirely okay if she decides she's happy to be in an intimate relationship with another woman?

If you haven't, you should try it out. And mean it when you say it.

Agree!

[Anonymous]

Here’s what I would do.
When she is home for a break, take her to a nice hair salon to see a great hair person; pay for a makeup session or two and buy her makeup. Pay for a personal stylist to take her shopping.
Maybe a cosmetologist.
She will look better, extend her social circle and attract more guys. Once a guy she really likes makes her an offer so to speak - she may drop that gf like a hot potato.
Also have her bring the gf for a visit and be super welcoming but observe. Is the gf clingy? Is she pressuring your DD into a relationship? She may be indoctrinating her with “all men are pigs” mentality or some such.
Also is your DD open to seeing a counselor/therapist about building relationships at college?

[Anonymous]

OMG, please don't do the makeover thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, please don't do the makeover thing!

Agreed...I hope they were joking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, please don't do the makeover thing!

Agreed...I hope they were joking.

Maybe the PP has a tween and is going for a mommy-and-me day out!

[Anonymous]

OP, I want to know more about why you sent her to an all girls school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what I would do.
When she is home for a break, take her to a nice hair salon to see a great hair person; pay for a makeup session or two and buy her makeup. Pay for a personal stylist to take her shopping.
Maybe a cosmetologist.
She will look better, extend her social circle and attract more guys. Once a guy she really likes makes her an offer so to speak - she may drop that gf like a hot potato.
Also have her bring the gf for a visit and be super welcoming but observe. Is the gf clingy? Is she pressuring your DD into a relationship? She may be indoctrinating her with “all men are pigs” mentality or some such.
Also is your DD open to seeing a counselor/therapist about building relationships at college?

Are… you ok?


OP, in the simplest way I can say it: let go. Listen, advise only when asked, and don’t say anything negative about the gf. You will only push DD away.

Your daughter is gay or bi. Several of your responses indicate a tolerance but not acceptance for that. Think about what this will mean for your relationship with your daughter in the future. It’s easy to see that you love your daughter and want the best for her. It’s difficult to step back as they grow up, but it’s time. To maintain a close, loving relationship you will have to surrender control (and I know you want to protect he), and possibly re-examine your feelings about her sexuality. People often say “get therapy” here as an insult, as if you’re defective. I encouraged you to go to therapy not because there is something “wrong” with you, but to refocus your devotion to DD in a way that is better for both of you.

[Anonymous]

It’s always the homophobic people with the “I don’t have a problem with it, I just don’t want my child to have such a hard life” kind of comments. When it is 100% those same people MAKING it hard.

[Anonymous]

OP here-you know what. you're right. I prefer my DD be straight. If that makes me homophobic then I guess I am. I am 60. maybe it's generational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-you know what. you're right. I prefer my DD be straight. If that makes me homophobic then I guess I am. I am 60. maybe it's generational.

Cool, now you're getting somewhere. You can prefer whatever you want, but it's her life. There's no point in hoping for it to be different than it is. Love the kid you have. Think a LOT less about her friends, significant other, even her, than you currently do. Just let her be. When you're together, do fun stuff. If she wants to talk, listen. Don't pry. Let the future take care of itself...and don't do stuff that will make her not want to be around you, or make her not want to be herself around you.

My parents are about your age, but I'm older than your daughter. They were like you. It drove a wedge between us that still exists--I know that even though they really like my wife, they would have chosen differently for me. They were a little too involved in other areas of my life too. Not I am pretty guarded about what I share with them. I just keep it surface-level. They're nice people, but they aren't the people I'd reach out to in an emergency or to share my inner thoughts. So, while it may seem paradoxical, pull back so your daughter will want to remain close.