Having a hard time with daughter's "lifestyle" choices...

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop worrying about who she’s dating any needs to stop thinking of who she “ sees herself with”
She’s 20, she’s got plenty of time for all this.
The bigger concern is not finding her people. Having a GF is not the reason.

Of course the gf is the reason.

OP here --so if GF is the reason what if anything more can I say at this point?

Seems your daughter longs for deep meaningful connection where she is someone's center and totally emotionally connected -maybe even enmeshed, she doesn't know how to do that in groups (doesn't matter if its lgbt groups or straight girlfriends), she doesn't know how to put herself out there to meet guys (she probably wouldnt be comfortable with some guy rejecting her (which as we know is normal part of dating)..if you are not a troll I will say this in the nicest possible way--from the outside it looks like your daughter has recreated the relationship she has with you with this girlfriend -its familiar and comforting but maybe stifling. The best thing you can do is back off an help her separate herself emotionally from you--because that is the only way she will be able to figure out who she is and what she wants. Please dont be shamed into submission but dcum--its totally normal if you prefer your daughter end up straight than guy...just like its normal if you prefer she be a doctor rather than an artist--the most important thing is that she knows and you know you would love her no matter what.
Give your daughter breathing room, let her become her own person....

OP here- it looks like your daughter has recreated the relationship she has with you with this girlfriend -it's familiar and comforting but maybe stifling. this is actually EXACTLY what I think. I feel like GF is taking on my role. My dd is super competent in so many areas but relies on me a little too much in others. she will be living in another city this summer. I am hoping this helps her to gain some confidence and independence.

So you’re jealous of the GF?

And are you so blind that you cannot see how your extreme over-involvement in her social/romantic life is interferinf with her independence? Let her make mistakes, if this is a mistake. It’s ok. And you really need therapy.

Op here --omg I am not jealous. I am concerned. I think my daughter is too dependent on me and has found a more grown up relationship with this girl but she provides much of the same. As the other poster said. I am not sure why you think I am jealous. I would love her to be more independent but I don't want to push her away. we actually enjoy each other very much.

[Anonymous]

You have to let her figure it out for herself. Be glad if she's not dating men now - at least she won't get pregnant!

[Anonymous]

I think that she has brought up she hasn’t found friends would make me feel bad too and want to help. Could you encourage her to talk to a therapist for some strategies to help her deal better with social situations. And as nicely as possible remind her that a significant other can’t fill every need and it is best for the relationship for her to make some friends of her own. This is true no matter who she is dating - man or woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that she has brought up she hasn’t found friends would make me feel bad too and want to help. Could you encourage her to talk to a therapist for some strategies to help her deal better with social situations. And as nicely as possible remind her that a significant other can’t fill every need and it is best for the relationship for her to make some friends of her own. This is true no matter who she is dating - man or woman.

Op here— yes I agree on all fronts. She has kind of friends here and there but she’s craving like a group of three or four girls that always get their meals together and things like that just more consistency. I think she definitely has friends but again, just not the kind of cohesive group she would like. it’s funny because I do have another daughter and the daughter who’s struggling to find her people is incredibly mature and very socially adept so I don’t completely understand it. I think part of it is she’s very picky about who she spends time with. I think she can get a little intolerant.

[Anonymous]

College is the time to explore this stuff and figure out what you like - in relationships, in hobbies, friends, careers...

I took a minor because I thought it would be fun but was sure I would settle down with a job in my major. Nope...I made a career with my minor that I thought would be temporary and interesting. Everyone was surprised but I'm glad I took the chance to explore and find my thing. That's what college is for.

She may or may not end up with a woman but better to figure it out now then after commiting to a man just becuase she thinks she should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having a relationship sometimes makes it harder to go be brave and put yourself out there and make friends. Gender of the partner doesn't matter.

+1

Very true. I isolated with a totally lame boyfriend in college because of social struggles. Eventually I dumped him and in the end everything was ok.

[Anonymous]

If this GF isn't trouble in any way then let her be her emotional pillow. Would you rather DD be depressed or just fail to meet parental expectations? If its meant to be, there isn't anything you can do, if its not meant to be, there isn't anything you can do.

[Anonymous]

Sorry she's not getting date raped behind dumpsters by college men, I guess...

[Anonymous]

How’s she doing in her classes? I hope her girlfriend is nice, maybe she’s not as unhappy as you think

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

This is what I am doing exactly. trying very, very hard. I never talk about dating with her just ways to connect with others and form consistent friendships. But then I get frustrated on a Saturday when GF is coming to visit. very frustrated.

this is an unhealthy level of enmeshment. you need therapy.

Really? You don’t worry about your kids when you know they are making dumb decisions ? Oh, you don’t have kids, do you?

OP has not explained why this is a “dumb decision.” OP monitoring what her daughter is doing every Saturday at college and getting upset that she is not socializing the way she thinks she should be is extremely enmeshed.

OP here--I get that. truly. I wish she were more independent. I think she's starting to realize that.

You say you wish she were more independent yet you keep trying to micromanage her social and romantic life. She sounds anxious and you’re enabling her. Every time you start trying to fix her problems, you’re telling her she needs your help fixing her problems and can’t do it without you, otherwise why would you be stepping in and trying to manage her dating life. Catering to someone’s anxiety reinforces their belief that there’s a need for that anxiety. If she told you she’s hungry around noon, would you bring food to her? Give her a list of options she could eat? Tell her she’s an adult and knows how to solve the problem? You can’t create independence for her, but you can stop enabling her dependence.

If you need help, you could talk to a therapist and find out why you’re so involved in her social life and how to extract yourself from it without alienating her. If your daughter can’t handle you stepping back or if you think she has anxiety, you could encourage her to talk to a therapist on campus to help her take steps toward independence and how to put herself out there more to try to make friends.

It’s also strange to me that you’re not hoping she has some life experience while she’s still a student. You sound like you want her to be dating to find a husband, not dating for fun. Some of the things you’re saying sound like what my church youth group leaders would say about it being a means to an end (marriage) and should be approached more like interviewing for a job than a way to have fun. Or like when the main purpose of college for women was to find a husband. Does she really need to be looking for a partner to last the rest of her life at 20?

[Anonymous]

Be happy. The girlfriend is not the problem. If she really wants a group of friends at college to eat meals with and socialize together, then she has to actively go find that. Ever considered a sorority?

[Anonymous]

If GF was a guy would you be concerned that his presence was impeding her social life?

[Anonymous]

Her talking about guys is likely because she wants you to have hope because she know how you feel. Her not connecting with others in college may be a function of where she is going to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I can imagine how difficult this is to watch, knowing there’s not much you can do about it.

I’d be tempted to pull her out of school and make her come home and work for a semester or two. I would not pay for her to be living like this.

WTAF!!!!!??? How old are you?!

[Anonymous]

What would you be upset about? That at 20 she is in a relationship that is pleasing to her but doesn’t feel permanent? This seems healthy.