Having a hard time with daughter's "lifestyle" choices...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly are you upset about?

OP here: 1) I am upset that she hasn't built a full life at college and feels lonely there at times and that having a gf come for part of every weekend is not helpful to accomplish a happier life there, and probably is a crutch to some extend to deal with loneliness.
2) she says she sees herself with a guy and she's never had a relationship with a guy and though she disagrees, I don't think she will meet a guy when she's involved with a girl.

You need to back wayyyy off.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to stop worrying about who she’s dating any needs to stop thinking of who she “ sees herself with”
She’s 20, she’s got plenty of time for all this.
The bigger concern is not finding her people. Having a GF is not the reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

This is what I am doing exactly. trying very, very hard. I never talk about dating with her just ways to connect with others and form consistent friendships. But then I get frustrated on a Saturday when GF is coming to visit. very frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the fact that you describe this situation by quotes surrounding the word lifestyle is very telling to me.

Here is what I think is maybe going on. Your daughter is very likely happy in her lesbian relationship and while she may be a bisexual, she may just be telling you what you want to hear when she says she has crushes on guys and sees herself ending up with a guy, etc.

You might be coming across to her as more than a little homophobic, and she is struggling with trying to keep your love and approval and also trying to be herself.

Have you ever told her that it's entirely okay if she decides she's happy to be in an intimate relationship with another woman?

If you haven't, you should try it out. And mean it when you say it.

Yes to the above. We’ll said, PP

OP, please read stories of young people telling their families. So many resources PFLAG and the Trevor Project are a good start.

Please take the time to invest in your child. These are resources that save lives and relationships.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having a relationship sometimes makes it harder to go be brave and put yourself out there and make friends. Gender of the partner doesn't matter.

OP here-YES that's my frustration. which I have shared.

What exactly do you think you can do OP? Everyone makes romantic mistakes and as far as they go, this one seems pretty mild. The absolute worst scenario is that she’s not really into her girlfriend but can’t figure out how to break it off. This is something she needs to navigate and learn from on her own. You cannot do it for her.

You are also catastrophizing and being irrational about her campus friendships. There’s no evidence that having a girlfriend who visits once a week is somehow impairing her social life. We can’t make friends for our kids - didn’t you learn that when she was in preschool?

[Anonymous]

If she wants to make friends she needs to join things - clubs, sports, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I can imagine how difficult this is to watch, knowing there’s not much you can do about it.

I’d be tempted to pull her out of school and make her come home and work for a semester or two. I would not pay for her to be living like this.

!! for having a girlfriend?

Yes, exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

This is what I am doing exactly. trying very, very hard. I never talk about dating with her just ways to connect with others and form consistent friendships. But then I get frustrated on a Saturday when GF is coming to visit. very frustrated.

this is an unhealthy level of enmeshment. you need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

This is what I am doing exactly. trying very, very hard. I never talk about dating with her just ways to connect with others and form consistent friendships. But then I get frustrated on a Saturday when GF is coming to visit. very frustrated.

this is an unhealthy level of enmeshment. you need therapy.

Really? You don’t worry about your kids when you know they are making dumb decisions ? Oh, you don’t have kids, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop worrying about who she’s dating any needs to stop thinking of who she “ sees herself with”
She’s 20, she’s got plenty of time for all this.
The bigger concern is not finding her people. Having a GF is not the reason.

Of course the gf is the reason.

OP here --so if GF is the reason what if anything more can I say at this point?

Seems your daughter longs for deep meaningful connection where she is someone's center and totally emotionally connected -maybe even enmeshed, she doesn't know how to do that in groups (doesn't matter if its lgbt groups or straight girlfriends), she doesn't know how to put herself out there to meet guys (she probably wouldnt be comfortable with some guy rejecting her (which as we know is normal part of dating)..if you are not a troll I will say this in the nicest possible way--from the outside it looks like your daughter has recreated the relationship she has with you with this girlfriend -its familiar and comforting but maybe stifling. The best thing you can do is back off an help her separate herself emotionally from you--because that is the only way she will be able to figure out who she is and what she wants. Please dont be shamed into submission but dcum--its totally normal if you prefer your daughter end up straight than guy...just like its normal if you prefer she be a doctor rather than an artist--the most important thing is that she knows and you know you would love her no matter what.
Give your daughter breathing room, let her become her own person....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

This is what I am doing exactly. trying very, very hard. I never talk about dating with her just ways to connect with others and form consistent friendships. But then I get frustrated on a Saturday when GF is coming to visit. very frustrated.

this is an unhealthy level of enmeshment. you need therapy.

Really? You don’t worry about your kids when you know they are making dumb decisions ? Oh, you don’t have kids, do you?

Having a girlfriend isn’t a dumb decision though. Shes 20 not 12. She’s in school and sees GF one weekend day a week per OP. That’s not cramping her social life, something else is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

This is what I am doing exactly. trying very, very hard. I never talk about dating with her just ways to connect with others and form consistent friendships. But then I get frustrated on a Saturday when GF is coming to visit. very frustrated.

this is an unhealthy level of enmeshment. you need therapy.

Really? You don’t worry about your kids when you know they are making dumb decisions ? Oh, you don’t have kids, do you?

OP has not explained why this is a “dumb decision.” OP monitoring what her daughter is doing every Saturday at college and getting upset that she is not socializing the way she thinks she should be is extremely enmeshed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop worrying about who she’s dating any needs to stop thinking of who she “ sees herself with”
She’s 20, she’s got plenty of time for all this.
The bigger concern is not finding her people. Having a GF is not the reason.

Of course the gf is the reason.

OP here --so if GF is the reason what if anything more can I say at this point?

Seems your daughter longs for deep meaningful connection where she is someone's center and totally emotionally connected -maybe even enmeshed, she doesn't know how to do that in groups (doesn't matter if its lgbt groups or straight girlfriends), she doesn't know how to put herself out there to meet guys (she probably wouldnt be comfortable with some guy rejecting her (which as we know is normal part of dating)..if you are not a troll I will say this in the nicest possible way--from the outside it looks like your daughter has recreated the relationship she has with you with this girlfriend -its familiar and comforting but maybe stifling. The best thing you can do is back off an help her separate herself emotionally from you--because that is the only way she will be able to figure out who she is and what she wants. Please dont be shamed into submission but dcum--its totally normal if you prefer your daughter end up straight than guy...just like its normal if you prefer she be a doctor rather than an artist--the most important thing is that she knows and you know you would love her no matter what.
Give your daughter breathing room, let her become her own person....

OP here- it looks like your daughter has recreated the relationship she has with you with this girlfriend -it's familiar and comforting but maybe stifling. this is actually EXACTLY what I think. I feel like GF is taking on my role. My dd is super competent in so many areas but relies on me a little too much in others. she will be living in another city this summer. I am hoping this helps her to gain some confidence and independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to stop worrying about who she’s dating any needs to stop thinking of who she “ sees herself with”
She’s 20, she’s got plenty of time for all this.
The bigger concern is not finding her people. Having a GF is not the reason.

Of course the gf is the reason.

OP here --so if GF is the reason what if anything more can I say at this point?

Seems your daughter longs for deep meaningful connection where she is someone's center and totally emotionally connected -maybe even enmeshed, she doesn't know how to do that in groups (doesn't matter if its lgbt groups or straight girlfriends), she doesn't know how to put herself out there to meet guys (she probably wouldnt be comfortable with some guy rejecting her (which as we know is normal part of dating)..if you are not a troll I will say this in the nicest possible way--from the outside it looks like your daughter has recreated the relationship she has with you with this girlfriend -its familiar and comforting but maybe stifling. The best thing you can do is back off an help her separate herself emotionally from you--because that is the only way she will be able to figure out who she is and what she wants. Please dont be shamed into submission but dcum--its totally normal if you prefer your daughter end up straight than guy...just like its normal if you prefer she be a doctor rather than an artist--the most important thing is that she knows and you know you would love her no matter what.
Give your daughter breathing room, let her become her own person....

OP here- it looks like your daughter has recreated the relationship she has with you with this girlfriend -it's familiar and comforting but maybe stifling. this is actually EXACTLY what I think. I feel like GF is taking on my role. My dd is super competent in so many areas but relies on me a little too much in others. she will be living in another city this summer. I am hoping this helps her to gain some confidence and independence.

So you’re jealous of the GF?

And are you so blind that you cannot see how your extreme over-involvement in her social/romantic life is interferinf with her independence? Let her make mistakes, if this is a mistake. It’s ok. And you really need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

This is what I am doing exactly. trying very, very hard. I never talk about dating with her just ways to connect with others and form consistent friendships. But then I get frustrated on a Saturday when GF is coming to visit. very frustrated.

this is an unhealthy level of enmeshment. you need therapy.

Really? You don’t worry about your kids when you know they are making dumb decisions ? Oh, you don’t have kids, do you?

OP has not explained why this is a “dumb decision.” OP monitoring what her daughter is doing every Saturday at college and getting upset that she is not socializing the way she thinks she should be is extremely enmeshed.

OP here--I get that. truly. I wish she were more independent. I think she's starting to realize that.