Having a hard time with daughter's "lifestyle" choices...

[Anonymous]

Really struggling with 20 year old DD's decision. Objectively I know I am being unreasonable but could use some advice on how best to control my emotions. Basically, dd very mainstream never had a boyfriend but seemed interested in guys, summer after freshman year of college she met a girl who is gay and they are now dating. My daughter told me last august that she sees herself with a guy. she's attracted to guys but having a female relationship is not usual for girls these days. she said when back at school in the Fall she would try to meet guys and also build more of a social life b/c she struggled with finding her people. Fast forward to today--they are still dating. GF comes to visit her at school for one day on most weekends. She is still struggling with finding her people (though not positive related) and as off last month told me she still sees herself with a guy and most of her crushes are on guys. I am frustrated b/c I think having someone visit doesn't help build a social life and b/c she won't meet a guy while she's with a girl. I have made my feeling known (she complains about social life at school and not finding a good reliable group of girlfriends) but realize if I keep talking about it, it will drive her away. I feel very frustrated with the situation and it's really getting me down. Advice on how to manage my frustration and what if anything to say to her? thx.

[Anonymous]

Speaking up is only going to make her do the opposite. Just try to support her and let her live.

Also, it’s not necessary she find a guy. A 20 yo guy is not necessarily going to make her happier or be anything other than a hookup. She may not be as into guys as she is conveying to you either.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. I can imagine how difficult this is to watch, knowing there’s not much you can do about it.

I’d be tempted to pull her out of school and make her come home and work for a semester or two. I would not pay for her to be living like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really struggling with 20 year old DD's decision. Objectively I know I am being unreasonable but could use some advice on how best to control my emotions. Basically, dd very mainstream never had a boyfriend but seemed interested in guys, summer after freshman year of college she met a girl who is gay and they are now dating. My daughter told me last august that she sees herself with a guy. she's attracted to guys but having a female relationship is not usual for girls these days. she said when back at school in the Fall she would try to meet guys and also build more of a social life b/c she struggled with finding her people. Fast forward to today--they are still dating. GF comes to visit her at school for one day on most weekends. She is still struggling with finding her people (though not positive related) and as off last month told me she still sees herself with a guy and most of her crushes are on guys. I am frustrated b/c I think having someone visit doesn't help build a social life and b/c she won't meet a guy while she's with a girl. I have made my feeling known (she complains about social life at school and not finding a good reliable group of girlfriends) but realize if I keep talking about it, it will drive her away. I feel very frustrated with the situation and it's really getting me down. Advice on how to manage my frustration and what if anything to say to her? thx.

It's the 2020s, sexuality is fluid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I can imagine how difficult this is to watch, knowing there’s not much you can do about it.

I’d be tempted to pull her out of school and make her come home and work for a semester or two. I would not pay for her to be living like this.

!! for having a girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

OP what exactly are you upset about?

[Anonymous]

OP the fact that you describe this situation by quotes surrounding the word lifestyle is very telling to me.

Here is what I think is maybe going on. Your daughter is very likely happy in her lesbian relationship and while she may be a bisexual, she may just be telling you what you want to hear when she says she has crushes on guys and sees herself ending up with a guy, etc.

You might be coming across to her as more than a little homophobic, and she is struggling with trying to keep your love and approval and also trying to be herself.

Have you ever told her that it's entirely okay if she decides she's happy to be in an intimate relationship with another woman?

If you haven't, you should try it out. And mean it when you say it.

[Anonymous]

I really don't see anything here to be upset about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the fact that you describe this situation by quotes surrounding the word lifestyle is very telling to me.

Here is what I think is maybe going on. Your daughter is very likely happy in her lesbian relationship and while she may be a bisexual, she may just be telling you what you want to hear when she says she has crushes on guys and sees herself ending up with a guy, etc.

You might be coming across to her as more than a little homophobic, and she is struggling with trying to keep your love and approval and also trying to be herself.

Have you ever told her that it's entirely okay if she decides she's happy to be in an intimate relationship with another woman?

If you haven't, you should try it out. And mean it when you say it.

OP here--yes I have made it very clear that she can be honest with me and she claims she would never tell me something just to make me happy. I think I believe she truly feels that she sees herself with a guy have a traditional life. I think my frustration lies with her saying she wants something but not helping herself to get there. If she had a long distance relationship with a guy I would be frustrated as well though probably not to same extent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the fact that you describe this situation by quotes surrounding the word lifestyle is very telling to me.

Here is what I think is maybe going on. Your daughter is very likely happy in her lesbian relationship and while she may be a bisexual, she may just be telling you what you want to hear when she says she has crushes on guys and sees herself ending up with a guy, etc.

You might be coming across to her as more than a little homophobic, and she is struggling with trying to keep your love and approval and also trying to be herself.

Have you ever told her that it's entirely okay if she decides she's happy to be in an intimate relationship with another woman?

If you haven't, you should try it out. And mean it when you say it.

This…she would be more honest with you if you accepted her.

Consider that she’s trying to figure out her identity and could use her moms support and you’re making this about your feelings.

Sorry but it’s true. Good luck, it’s not too late to reset.

[Anonymous]

I think she's more serious about the girlfriend than she's telling you-- she's probably not being 100% honest with you because she feels pressured to tell you what you want to hear. If she wants to make more friends, there's always the campus LBGTQ group. Or maybe she has friends she's not telling you about because they're LGBTQ.

I think you should join PFLAG and work on being more accepting instead of pressuring your daughter. You're pushing her away now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what exactly are you upset about?

OP here: 1) I am upset that she hasn't built a full life at college and feels lonely there at times and that having a gf come for part of every weekend is not helpful to accomplish a happier life there, and probably is a crutch to some extend to deal with loneliness.
2) she says she sees herself with a guy and she's never had a relationship with a guy and though she disagrees, I don't think she will meet a guy when she's involved with a girl.

[Anonymous]

What? You’re upset because she’s… dating a girl? Let her be.

[Anonymous]

First, stop talking to your kid about whether she is attracted to men or women. Just stop. Let go of this.

Focus on how you can support her meeting more people. Talk to her about joining a club at college, etc. talk about her plans for the summer. Is she coming home? Is she getting a job? Brainstorm a plan that will put her around various groups of people.

She needs to make friends, not love interests. Let the girlfriend situation just play out. Focus on expanding her ability to meet people and find friends.

[Anonymous]

Having a relationship sometimes makes it harder to go be brave and put yourself out there and make friends. Gender of the partner doesn't matter.