Having a hard time with daughter's "lifestyle" choices...

[Anonymous]

It's nice that she talks to you about her personal preferences- sounds like she really loves you. I'd just keep the same mantra of "whoever makes you happy works for me" and believe this... No probing questions, listen when she talks but tell her she doesn't need to justify or explain who she dates other than reinforce that that person is respectful and good to her. Try to stay close with her- regardless if she is gay straight or bi, the important thing is that you are connected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I can imagine how difficult this is to watch, knowing there’s not much you can do about it.

I’d be tempted to pull her out of school and make her come home and work for a semester or two. I would not pay for her to be living like this.

You are a horrible human and dumb

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's nice that she talks to you about her personal preferences- sounds like she really loves you. I'd just keep the same mantra of "whoever makes you happy works for me" and believe this... No probing questions, listen when she talks but tell her she doesn't need to justify or explain who she dates other than reinforce that that person is respectful and good to her. Try to stay close with her- regardless if she is gay straight or bi, the important thing is that you are connected.

OP-thank you. this is so true . I seriously don't know why I can't wrap my head around it. I have seen multiple therapists. I am really stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's nice that she talks to you about her personal preferences- sounds like she really loves you. I'd just keep the same mantra of "whoever makes you happy works for me" and believe this... No probing questions, listen when she talks but tell her she doesn't need to justify or explain who she dates other than reinforce that that person is respectful and good to her. Try to stay close with her- regardless if she is gay straight or bi, the important thing is that you are connected.

OP-thank you. this is so true . I seriously don't know why I can't wrap my head around it. I have seen multiple therapists. I am really stuck.

Yes, you are. You stated that you preferred that she be straight and maybe it was generational. So we know where you stand there. The thing you have to decide now is whether you want and close and loving relationship with your daughter regardless of her sexuality or not. Because you aren’t going to change her sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I can imagine how difficult this is to watch, knowing there’s not much you can do about it.

I’d be tempted to pull her out of school and make her come home and work for a semester or two. I would not pay for her to be living like this.

The daughter is possibly gay, not bisexual, but trying to keep mom's hopes up or perhaps she is bisexual, but because she doesn't have a reliable group of female friends (females can be very flaky at this age, as can males), you would pull her out to exert control? If she's flunking, yes you pull her out. Assuming grades are fine, that is truly insane and would set OP up for a lifetime of struggles with ever being close to her daughter.

[Anonymous]

The woman she is dating is not stopping her from being straight (which is what you seem to be thinking ).

Kids her age are exploring possible identities . She is in control of who she sleeps with. You are not.

Trust that she will find the right partner in the long run. Their gender is not the most important thing you should hope for in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Anytime my kid complains, I found it better to validate and support but not to give my advice or opinion!

Mine won’t do the opposite necessarily but will get annoyed.

They have to work through these on their own.

Your kid is 20 and still has not found their people? Maybe they will or won’t but it’s not your job to help or do that.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with the advice/listening line. It is a constant battle sometimes. I just straight up ask her if she is looking for advice or an ear if it’s unclear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to let her figure it out for herself. Be glad if she's not dating men now - at least she won't get pregnant!

probably had not even lost her virginity despite being in her 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what I would do.
When she is home for a break, take her to a nice hair salon to see a great hair person; pay for a makeup session or two and buy her makeup. Pay for a personal stylist to take her shopping.
Maybe a cosmetologist.
She will look better, extend her social circle and attract more guys. Once a guy she really likes makes her an offer so to speak - she may drop that gf like a hot potato.
Also have her bring the gf for a visit and be super welcoming but observe. Is the gf clingy? Is she pressuring your DD into a relationship? She may be indoctrinating her with “all men are pigs” mentality or some such.
Also is your DD open to seeing a counselor/therapist about building relationships at college?

This is a very good idea!

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to butt out. What I got from your original post is that DD feels pressured to be straight and is constantly reassuring you that she isn't gay. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't, but the fact that you feel "meeting a guy" is so important that it should be her main focus in school, and that she has to keep assuring you will try harder to meet, well that just really sounds like the issue is your expectations not matching her reality.

Leave her alone. Who cares if she meets a guy? What about her studies, her career plans, her happiness? You need to back off a lot, or she's going to end up talking about you for years in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what I would do.
When she is home for a break, take her to a nice hair salon to see a great hair person; pay for a makeup session or two and buy her makeup. Pay for a personal stylist to take her shopping.
Maybe a cosmetologist.
She will look better, extend her social circle and attract more guys. Once a guy she really likes makes her an offer so to speak - she may drop that gf like a hot potato.
Also have her bring the gf for a visit and be super welcoming but observe. Is the gf clingy? Is she pressuring your DD into a relationship? She may be indoctrinating her with “all men are pigs” mentality or some such.
Also is your DD open to seeing a counselor/therapist about building relationships at college?

This is a very good idea!

Oh my god, that is NOT a great idea, unless we have time traveled back to 1955.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the fact that you describe this situation by quotes surrounding the word lifestyle is very telling to me.

Here is what I think is maybe going on. Your daughter is very likely happy in her lesbian relationship and while she may be a bisexual, she may just be telling you what you want to hear when she says she has crushes on guys and sees herself ending up with a guy, etc.

You might be coming across to her as more than a little homophobic, and she is struggling with trying to keep your love and approval and also trying to be herself.

Have you ever told her that it's entirely okay if she decides she's happy to be in an intimate relationship with another woman?

If you haven't, you should try it out. And mean it when you say it.

OP here--yes I have made it very clear that she can be honest with me and she claims she would never tell me something just to make me happy. I think I believe she truly feels that she sees herself with a guy have a traditional life. I think my frustration lies with her saying she wants something but not helping herself to get there. If she had a long distance relationship with a guy I would be frustrated as well though probably not to same extent.

I'm still stuck on how obsessed OP is with her daughter getting a boyfriend. It's unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the fact that you describe this situation by quotes surrounding the word lifestyle is very telling to me.

Here is what I think is maybe going on. Your daughter is very likely happy in her lesbian relationship and while she may be a bisexual, she may just be telling you what you want to hear when she says she has crushes on guys and sees herself ending up with a guy, etc.

You might be coming across to her as more than a little homophobic, and she is struggling with trying to keep your love and approval and also trying to be herself.

Have you ever told her that it's entirely okay if she decides she's happy to be in an intimate relationship with another woman?

If you haven't, you should try it out. And mean it when you say it.

OP here--yes I have made it very clear that she can be honest with me and she claims she would never tell me something just to make me happy. I think I believe she truly feels that she sees herself with a guy have a traditional life. I think my frustration lies with her saying she wants something but not helping herself to get there. If she had a long distance relationship with a guy I would be frustrated as well though probably not to same extent.

I'm still stuck on how obsessed OP is with her daughter getting a boyfriend. It's unhealthy.

What is wrong with you, PP?

It was the daughter who says she plans to get a boyfriend. It has always been her desire.

RIF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The woman she is dating is not stopping her from being straight (which is what you seem to be thinking ).

. . .

Yes, she really is.

Re-read what OP posted. OP’s daughter is being coerced and manipulated. The lesbian really needs to leave OP’s daughter alone!