Stone deaf ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody seems to agree that the in laws are obnoxious, useless, won't change, clueless, etc etc. Has anybody (including OP) considered that maybe the in laws don't like the OP and have had negative or difficult interactions with her that are now preventing them from wanting to spend any time with her? This can also obviously impact the relationship with the grandchildren. Might want to reflect on that OP.

+1

After coming back and reading all of OP’s responses, I was going to post the same thing. She wasn’t willing to entertain any advice given, and had an excuse/clap back for every point made. I’m not sure I’d be jumping to go spend lengthy amount of time with her either.

+1
OP your expectations aren’t reasonable. They live a flight away. They made it clear so why would you even expect them to help?
Sounds like you can hire help so I’m not sure why you aren’t and wasting time being made at ILs.
And, yes, I’ve done two deployments with six kids.

[Anonymous]

You are in the wrong. You should not confront them. You should mute their texts and not respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

This is a really great post, PP. I used to be baffled by how little interest my MIL had in seeing my kids or helping out, and they live a mile away. I found her to be a complete joke of a grandmother compared to my mom. Over time, I realized she really thought she was involved because she came to their sporting events, even if she didn’t speak with them. This was apparently a lot more than her parents did for her or her kids. She wasn’t malicious or meaning to be neglectful, she just had no clue what an involved grandparent looked like.

OP, your in-laws seem really selfish and careless of your feelings, but maybe it would help for you to reach out to them and ask for help with specific tasks.

See my post above. Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare. They are not difficult kids. Even if you offered to spend a weekend with them, going to the zoo or a playground, it would be HUGE. My parents live in another country, they see their grandchildren once a year at most. But they make an effort, there are weekly facetime calls, they are engaging with them. This is just too much.

Have you considered moving to their state? The distance is obviously going to make dropping in for a quick weekend difficult.

You are kidding me, right? I have a job. I have a house. They are one hour flight away.

I’m not kidding. You have unrealistic expectations. Get your parents to come for months at a time.

Yeah, OP’s huffy retort about “a one hour FLIGHT” was very telling, and does not reflect well on her at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

This is a really great post, PP. I used to be baffled by how little interest my MIL had in seeing my kids or helping out, and they live a mile away. I found her to be a complete joke of a grandmother compared to my mom. Over time, I realized she really thought she was involved because she came to their sporting events, even if she didn’t speak with them. This was apparently a lot more than her parents did for her or her kids. She wasn’t malicious or meaning to be neglectful, she just had no clue what an involved grandparent looked like.

OP, your in-laws seem really selfish and careless of your feelings, but maybe it would help for you to reach out to them and ask for help with specific tasks.

See my post above. Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare. They are not difficult kids. Even if you offered to spend a weekend with them, going to the zoo or a playground, it would be HUGE. My parents live in another country, they see their grandchildren once a year at most. But they make an effort, there are weekly facetime calls, they are engaging with them. This is just too much.

Have you considered moving to their state? The distance is obviously going to make dropping in for a quick weekend difficult.

You are kidding me, right? I have a job. I have a house. They are one hour flight away.

I’m not kidding. You have unrealistic expectations. Get your parents to come for months at a time.

My parents live in another country. On another continent. They work for a living. My ILs have been retired for the past 5 years. They are not old or unwell. They are 1 hour away by plane. I am a working mother with 2 small children. Sure, let me pack up our stuff for the weekend. Have you traveled with young children? Probably not.

None of this means they owe you childcare, or whatever else you think they owe you. Nada. Zip. Nothing, they have raised their kids. Raise yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP. It's tough and you'd think people would get it. But some people really do not.

I would give them a few more chances by making very specific date/time/steps/outcome requests.

Like,

(i) thanks for the text, Jane, I was wondering if you could come over and watch the kids for a couple of hours a week from now, I'd like to go get a haircut. What timeslot might work for you that weekend?

(ii) hey, thanks for the text. Would Tom be able to take Larlo to practice on Tues and Thurs next week? I got a work project and would appreciate a bit of help that week. I know Larlo would love to hang out with Tom...

Make a few polite specific requests before you give up... If they do end up helping out even if 1/4 times, keep asking to get them into the habit...

They live an hour flight away. Really?

[Anonymous]

Just pretend he's an orphan. Make your own family out of friends.

[Anonymous]

Your kids aren’t their responsibility. Hire a sitter or a part time nanny problem solved.

[Anonymous]

They aren’t being obnoxious or terrible at all. They politely changed the subject when your husband asked them to help you. If there was a real emergency ..and no a healthy young person having COVID for a few days …is not an emergency then they probably would step in.

It’s really inappropriate for you to expect them to rearrange their schedules and fly out to provide childcare for you. It wouldn’t even occur to me that someone would expect this. You need a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. That’s a sucky situation especially because you’re probably at the end of your rope. I’m in a similar situation with local ILs that won’t do much. I feel better having made the decision that I asked for help one final time and then just mentally wrote them off. I feel better having mentally made that decision.

[Anonymous]

I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

Why is this such a shock to women? Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children. This is true in my family and so many others. OP moved away from her parents and lost that support. OP and her husband also don't live near the in-laws. It's very rare that the in-laws will step in and fill that void that OP is missing out with her own parents, never mind the geographical distance. If you want that kind of family support and closeness you, living near family is usually a prerequisite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

Why is this such a shock to women? Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children. This is true in my family and so many others. OP moved away from her parents and lost that support. OP and her husband also don't live near the in-laws. It's very rare that the in-laws will step in and fill that void that OP is missing out with her own parents, never mind the geographical distance. If you want that kind of family support and closeness you, living near family is usually a prerequisite.

We don't know if OP moved from her family or they moved from her. Also, it is not necessary to live in the same area as your family to be close. If she is married to someone who gets deployed, there is no way they can stay in one place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

Why is this such a shock to women? Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children. This is true in my family and so many others. OP moved away from her parents and lost that support. OP and her husband also don't live near the in-laws. It's very rare that the in-laws will step in and fill that void that OP is missing out with her own parents, never mind the geographical distance. If you want that kind of family support and closeness you, living near family is usually a prerequisite.

We don't know if OP moved from her family or they moved from her. Also, it is not necessary to live in the same area as your family to be close. If she is married to someone who gets deployed, there is no way they can stay in one place.

No matter who moved, it suggests they aren't that close, physically or geographically. And it is necessary to be close to family if you expect them to pick up your kids from practice or watch them when you get a hair cut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

Why is this such a shock to women? Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children. This is true in my family and so many others. OP moved away from her parents and lost that support. OP and her husband also don't live near the in-laws. It's very rare that the in-laws will step in and fill that void that OP is missing out with her own parents, never mind the geographical distance. If you want that kind of family support and closeness you, living near family is usually a prerequisite.

We don't know if OP moved from her family or they moved from her. Also, it is not necessary to live in the same area as your family to be close. If she is married to someone who gets deployed, there is no way they can stay in one place.

No matter who moved, it suggests they aren't that close, physically or geographically. And it is necessary to be close to family if you expect them to pick up your kids from practice or watch them when you get a hair cut.

OMG people how hard is it for grandparents to fly or drive out for a weekend to visit their own grandchildren? She is not asking for day to day help, she needs a small reprieve. Selfish.

OP, I hope those grandparents do not expect your DH to take care of them once they are infirm.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it is not OP who is punished here but her DH. OP, how's the relationship between ILs and DH?