Stone deaf ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell me I am in the wrong here.

DH is deployed. I work full time, I have 2 DCs, 5 yo and 2 yo. I have no nannies, no regular babysitters, I am doing all the drop offs and pickups. I am doing all the activities. I am IT when kids are sick. ILs are retired and live close to SIL, a SAHM with HS-aged DCs, in another state. I have not received one phone call "hey, how are you doing?", "hey, he is gone for a while now, can you use some help?"

Right after Christmas my youngest had COVID. Not a single text or phone call about how he was doing. NOTHING. Instead, I am bombarded with pictures of them lounging by the pool or on the ocean. Obviously no invite "hey, kids have spring break? Come visit us". But hey, I should send them annual pictures they can frame.

Should I confront them? I am fuming inside. I don't want to rile up DH but I am so sick of that. [/quote

You should not confront them. You will have to manage your children without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you are clearly very angry and I hope you catch a break this weekend.
I don’t think your expectations of in-laws are what most of us experience. Your family calls and is comfortable checking on you because they’re your family. It’s never the same with in-laws. Their focus on themselves will get far worse as they age. It’s just part of life. Make your plans without factoring in any help from them. Your reactivity isn’t going to help any.

I just don't understand it. These are your son's children. Can't you feign some interest? I went through my head if we have done anything to offend them. Was our wedding too unconventional for them? Was DH decision to remain on active duty not to their liking? Is our house too inhospitable? Did we send wrong presents to them and SIL and her children? Are they upset that I work?

Like I said. I can hire a babysitter. But I won't be forced to acknowledge emotionally distant people anymore or show them any respect for I have none.

OP you are going to have accept that not everyone is the same. This doesn’t make them bad. My MIL is like them and I love it! She only calls when there is a purpose, no general check ins. When she visits it’s never very long and she has her own things to do. She does do things with us and vice versa. It’s fun and our kids have a great relationship with her. She didn’t see them often when they were little as we lived across the country but now that the kids are older, we all live closer, and it’s more logistical we see her more. It’s awesome for me because I really don’t like obligatory relationships.

My SIL on the other hand is always upset that she wasn’t a traditional granny pushing her way in all the time, weekly calls, providing childcare etc. She’s more like you in being offended when others don’t fit your fantasy of how things should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you are clearly very angry and I hope you catch a break this weekend.
I don’t think your expectations of in-laws are what most of us experience. Your family calls and is comfortable checking on you because they’re your family. It’s never the same with in-laws. Their focus on themselves will get far worse as they age. It’s just part of life. Make your plans without factoring in any help from them. Your reactivity isn’t going to help any.

I just don't understand it. These are your son's children. Can't you feign some interest? I went through my head if we have done anything to offend them. Was our wedding too unconventional for them? Was DH decision to remain on active duty not to their liking? Is our house too inhospitable? Did we send wrong presents to them and SIL and her children? Are they upset that I work?

Like I said. I can hire a babysitter. But I won't be forced to acknowledge emotionally distant people anymore or show them any respect for I have none.

My MIL is vile. Mean.
Some people will have in laws that are more involved, some less. It is what it is. But if this didn’t bother you before, why are you so mad now? They aren’t going to change just because your husband is deployed.

[Anonymous]

The daughters parents usually help the daughter more when they have kids, usually not so much the son. If they are more traditional in laws, they may be assuming your parents are helping more OP.

There is not that much you can do unless you move near them for the length of the deployment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP you are going to have accept that not everyone is the same. This doesn’t make them bad. My MIL is like them and I love it! She only calls when there is a purpose, no general check ins. When she visits it’s never very long and she has her own things to do. She does do things with us and vice versa. It’s fun and our kids have a great relationship with her. She didn’t see them often when they were little as we lived across the country but now that the kids are older, we all live closer, and it’s more logistical we see her more. It’s awesome for me because I really don’t like obligatory relationships.

My SIL on the other hand is always upset that she wasn’t a traditional granny pushing her way in all the time, weekly calls, providing childcare etc. She’s more like you in being offended when others don’t fit your fantasy of how things should be.

EXACTLY.

This type of relationship with DH's out-of-state parents seems pretty normal to me, absent the rare check-ins. It wouldn't cross my mind that they should fly in to help in this situation. I love them to pieces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut them out. They are not family. Do not contact them and certainly do not maintain any grandchildren relationship. These are not good people.

To all PPs who talk about "well they are not your free babysitters", this has nothing to do with money. OP works, she wrote it herself. Emotional support is needed.

Also babysitting is needed. Why hasn't OP hired one? She has the money, she said it herself. She specifically wants these people to share her burden by dropping everything and jumping on a plane. That's not rational.

OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues. I can hire babysitters. That's not the point. The point is that people who are supposedly family do not show any interest at all. To me, that's incomprehensible. My family lives abroad, yes, and they check up on me. They don't make it about themselves when they call me. My parents have other grandchildren but they always ask about mine. When my youngest was sick with COVID, I got texts, calls all from my side of the family. DH side of the family? Radio silence. This is not how humans should behave. This is not normal.

So, to calm everyone the #&% down, I got a babysitter for this weekend. And blocked his side of the family everywhere. I don't need "surface relationships".

You are right, most people do not behave this way, it is not normal at all. Therefore either the inlaws are horrible people or....it's you. Only you know the answer to that, we don't, although you are getting pretty nasty with people here so that gives me a clue. I would guess it's possible your inlaws are pretty sad about not being able to have a relationship with their grandchildren because they can't tolerate their DIL. Maybe things will get a little better when your husband gets back. I hope so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

No, OP is rude. Being a mother doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. Picking up the slack is not the ILs problem. OP and her DH need to figure something out for their own family. People have offered advice and OP has been less than appreciative. It's becoming quite clear why her ILs steer clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

Why is this such a shock to women? Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children. This is true in my family and so many others. OP moved away from her parents and lost that support. OP and her husband also don't live near the in-laws. It's very rare that the in-laws will step in and fill that void that OP is missing out with her own parents, never mind the geographical distance. If you want that kind of family support and closeness you, living near family is usually a prerequisite.

We don't know if OP moved from her family or they moved from her. Also, it is not necessary to live in the same area as your family to be close. If she is married to someone who gets deployed, there is no way they can stay in one place.

No matter who moved, it suggests they aren't that close, physically or geographically. And it is necessary to be close to family if you expect them to pick up your kids from practice or watch them when you get a hair cut.

OMG people how hard is it for grandparents to fly or drive out for a weekend to visit their own grandchildren? She is not asking for day to day help, she needs a small reprieve. Selfish.

OP, I hope those grandparents do not expect your DH to take care of them once they are infirm.

The DH can decide that on his own. If the in-laws are selfish what will confronting them do? OP just needs to hire a babysitter and move on with her life instead of blaming her in-laws for her current predicament. Maybe military life is not for her.

It's probably safe to say the DH being a member of the military is not a new thing. So theoretically OP kind of knew what she was signing up for when she married him and then chose to have children with him. It is tough juggling little kids and a full-time job. But doable, millions of people do it.

OP just has it stuck in her craw that the inlaws are not providing the support she desires. It would be nice if they did something, but they're not. Time to simply accept it and move forward.

I absolutely detest this argument because no people don't always know what it's like to be a solo parent in a very isolating situation. Even if you think you have some idea of how hard it is it doesn't always match up to the reality.

And telling someone that they knew what they were getting into doesn't mean that they're still not in pain or suffering. It would be like telling somebody who's in labor that they knew that labor was going to hurt so therefore they don't deserve any pain medication.


It sounds to me like the op is more upset that her in-laws basically want to have zero relationship with her outside of a few pictures of their grandchildren. And that's a pretty depressing situation
I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

Why is this such a shock to women? Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children. This is true in my family and so many others. OP moved away from her parents and lost that support. OP and her husband also don't live near the in-laws. It's very rare that the in-laws will step in and fill that void that OP is missing out with her own parents, never mind the geographical distance. If you want that kind of family support and closeness you, living near family is usually a prerequisite.

We don't know if OP moved from her family or they moved from her. Also, it is not necessary to live in the same area as your family to be close. If she is married to someone who gets deployed, there is no way they can stay in one place.

No matter who moved, it suggests they aren't that close, physically or geographically. And it is necessary to be close to family if you expect them to pick up your kids from practice or watch them when you get a hair cut.

OMG people how hard is it for grandparents to fly or drive out for a weekend to visit their own grandchildren? She is not asking for day to day help, she needs a small reprieve. Selfish.

OP, I hope those grandparents do not expect your DH to take care of them once they are infirm.

The DH can decide that on his own. If the in-laws are selfish what will confronting them do? OP just needs to hire a babysitter and move on with her life instead of blaming her in-laws for her current predicament. Maybe military life is not for her.

It's probably safe to say the DH being a member of the military is not a new thing. So theoretically OP kind of knew what she was signing up for when she married him and then chose to have children with him. It is tough juggling little kids and a full-time job. But doable, millions of people do it.

OP just has it stuck in her craw that the inlaws are not providing the support she desires. It would be nice if they did something, but they're not. Time to simply accept it and move forward.

I absolutely detest this argument because no people don't always know what it's like to be a solo parent in a very isolating situation. Even if you think you have some idea of how hard it is it doesn't always match up to the reality.

And telling someone that they knew what they were getting into doesn't mean that they're still not in pain or suffering. It would be like telling somebody who's in labor that they knew that labor was going to hurt so therefore they don't deserve any pain medication.


It sounds to me like the op is more upset that her in-laws basically want to have zero relationship with her outside of a few pictures of their grandchildren. And that's a pretty depressing situation
I

Has it occurred to you that maybe the inlaws have set boundaries? There may be a legit reason for their actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

No, OP is rude. Being a mother doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. Picking up the slack is not the ILs problem. OP and her DH need to figure something out for their own family. People have offered advice and OP has been less than appreciative. It's becoming quite clear why her ILs steer clear.

Where is she jerk? I am a grandmother too, I cannot comprehend how one doesn't inquire about their grandchildren even if they live in another state. Let alone when they are seriously sick. Have you seen how COVID affects little kids? It's a brutal disease. Not to call or text is mean. I don't know what the relationship is between OP and her ILs but all bygones are bygones when it comes to grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

No, OP is rude. Being a mother doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. Picking up the slack is not the ILs problem. OP and her DH need to figure something out for their own family. People have offered advice and OP has been less than appreciative. It's becoming quite clear why her ILs steer clear.

Where is she jerk? I am a grandmother too, I cannot comprehend how one doesn't inquire about their grandchildren even if they live in another state. Let alone when they are seriously sick. Have you seen how COVID affects little kids? It's a brutal disease. Not to call or text is mean. I don't know what the relationship is between OP and her ILs but all bygones are bygones when it comes to grandchildren.

Go to page 5 and reread some of OPs unkind responses. Also Covid is not brutal for young kids. You’re being dramatic for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues.

No way I'd be getting on a plane to visit.

Your snark and anger is palpable. I empathasize with the stress of raising kids alone, but you can't even manage a moment of respectful interaction with all the people that have come to this thread to offer their advice or support. Me thinks there is more going on here and the ILs understand the warzone they'd be walking into without their son as a buffer.

I don't see snark. I see an exhausted mother. I hope she has a good support network 'cause her in laws are not 'it'. Her DH probably knows his parents are like that and is embarrassed.

No, OP is rude. Being a mother doesn't entitle you to be a jerk. Picking up the slack is not the ILs problem. OP and her DH need to figure something out for their own family. People have offered advice and OP has been less than appreciative. It's becoming quite clear why her ILs steer clear.

Where is she jerk? I am a grandmother too, I cannot comprehend how one doesn't inquire about their grandchildren even if they live in another state. Let alone when they are seriously sick. Have you seen how COVID affects little kids? It's a brutal disease. Not to call or text is mean. I don't know what the relationship is between OP and her ILs but all bygones are bygones when it comes to grandchildren.

She’s a jerk on this entire thread! She doesn’t want solutions or to open her mind about the situation, she just came here to complain. She had a retort/excuse for every single suggestion for her. It’s all about her, she even says when her own parents called they don’t make it about themselves are asking about her. What a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The daughters parents usually help the daughter more when they have kids, usually not so much the son. If they are more traditional in laws, they may be assuming your parents are helping more OP.

There is not that much you can do unless you move near them for the length of the deployment.

We wanted to be involved with my brother's family but the wife didn't so we followed their boundaries and guess what? Have zero relationship with those kids. If mom doesn't want it than it isn't going to happen.