Stone deaf ILs

[Anonymous]

Tell me I am in the wrong here.

DH is deployed. I work full time, I have 2 DCs, 5 yo and 2 yo. I have no nannies, no regular babysitters, I am doing all the drop offs and pickups. I am doing all the activities. I am IT when kids are sick. ILs are retired and live close to SIL, a SAHM with HS-aged DCs, in another state. I have not received one phone call "hey, how are you doing?", "hey, he is gone for a while now, can you use some help?"

Right after Christmas my youngest had COVID. Not a single text or phone call about how he was doing. NOTHING. Instead, I am bombarded with pictures of them lounging by the pool or on the ocean. Obviously no invite "hey, kids have spring break? Come visit us". But hey, I should send them annual pictures they can frame.

Should I confront them? I am fuming inside. I don't want to rile up DH but I am so sick of that.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP.

My sister's husband was deployed when she had her first child.

In her case it was the opposite. Her in laws were fantastic.

My parents the complete opposite.

They showed up to help, and literally sat on the couch for a week til my sister kicked them out. They wanted her to take care of them for the week WTh? It was a nightmare to say the least.

People do not realize how much spouses in the military also have stress and need help. Again I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

They suck. Completely. Do not confront them. You will not get satisfaction. Put your energy to others in your life and don’t respond to their annoying and tone deaf texts and photos.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP- they're awful!

Just to commiserate, they'll likely want you and dh to visit IMMEDIATELY when he gets home. You're like the big red hen; you do all of the work and they still get to see their son and nice grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Use your voice and ask for help. Have you asked them? They’re not mind readers. Pick up the phone and ask them.

If they turn you down/ say no then they suck. But if you’re waiting for anyone to just magically sweep in to help you’ll end up disappointed, which you are now.

My husband has to travel for very long stretches of time overseas for work. My parents rarely helped, even if I asked/begged. So I started asking friends, and many of them said yes.

So ask. Just ask them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Use your voice and ask for help. Have you asked them? They’re not mind readers. Pick up the phone and ask them.

If they turn you down/ say no then they suck. But if you’re waiting for anyone to just magically sweep in to help you’ll end up disappointed, which you are now.

My husband has to travel for very long stretches of time overseas for work. My parents rarely helped, even if I asked/begged. So I started asking friends, and many of them said yes.

So ask. Just ask them.

We did. When DH just found out about his deployment being so long, he reached out to his parents. He asked for help. And they changed the subject and started talking to them about his sister. His sister who claims "oh I love my nephews", has not called them ONCE in their lifetime to wish them a Happy Birthday or a Merry Christma. Not ONCE. But hey, send me your postcards, make them cute and all.

[Anonymous]

That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

[Anonymous]

^ unrealistic expectations and unclear communication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use your voice and ask for help. Have you asked them? They’re not mind readers. Pick up the phone and ask them.

If they turn you down/ say no then they suck. But if you’re waiting for anyone to just magically sweep in to help you’ll end up disappointed, which you are now.

My husband has to travel for very long stretches of time overseas for work. My parents rarely helped, even if I asked/begged. So I started asking friends, and many of them said yes.

So ask. Just ask them.

We did. When DH just found out about his deployment being so long, he reached out to his parents. He asked for help. And they changed the subject and started talking to them about his sister. His sister who claims "oh I love my nephews", has not called them ONCE in their lifetime to wish them a Happy Birthday or a Merry Christma. Not ONCE. But hey, send me your postcards, make them cute and all.

Do you want to talk to them at Xmas or birthdays or do you just want the acknowledgment of them t calling ? You say they don’t seem to be interested in anything, but that they do ask for postcards and pictures for them to frame. Have you thought, that maybe they aren’t even interested in the postcards or pictures to frame either? If you don’t want to send them, you probably shouldn’t. See if they call to ask.

You can call them on Christmas and not wait for them. It’s definitely frustrating that they seem to ignite you and your needs but it’s how you handle that frustration.

[Anonymous]

I would start treating their texts like FB posts. Something you might look at when you're not busy but, otherwise, ignore. They're showing you who you they are. Believe them. If they need/want something, let them go through your DH. I think once you can let go of your (justifiable) anger/frustration/hurt, you'll have more peace of mind. Don't let this take up any more of your precious energy.
Hugs.

[Anonymous]

They are useless and that is not going to change. Just do not expend ANY of your energy interacting with them and you'll feel a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

This is a really great post, PP. I used to be baffled by how little interest my MIL had in seeing my kids or helping out, and they live a mile away. I found her to be a complete joke of a grandmother compared to my mom. Over time, I realized she really thought she was involved because she came to their sporting events, even if she didn’t speak with them. This was apparently a lot more than her parents did for her or her kids. She wasn’t malicious or meaning to be neglectful, she just had no clue what an involved grandparent looked like.

OP, your in-laws seem really selfish and careless of your feelings, but maybe it would help for you to reach out to them and ask for help with specific tasks.

[Anonymous]

I would stop responding to their texts. Mute the family text chain and check it only if you want. Don’t send pics of the kids. One word answers if needed.

If anyone asks, you just saying you are too busy single parenting.

[Anonymous]

I get that this is annoying, but I don’t understand why you are fuming and considering confrontation. They are who they are. They aren’t going to change. And they aren’t actually doing anything harmful. Not being helpful isn’t actually harmful. And believe me, I’ve lived this. We have a child with profound special needs and neither set of grandparents has ever been particularly helpful. I never expected help. My husband did and wasted a bunch of emotional energy being hurt and angry — it wasn’t worth it.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t you know you’d be on your own with kids when you chose to have them with someone in the military? Why would you expect them to drop their lives to babysit for you? Why aren’t you reaching out to people living like you are? They’re more likely to help. And it’s not stone deaf. It’s TONE deaf.