Stone deaf ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People in another state are not your backup child care. Where are your parents?

+1

OP, I'm really sorry you're in this situation. But I can't see how your ILs in another state would be considered candidates for helping with drop-offs, pickups, babysitting, etc. Maybe a few days an occasional visit (and I get they aren't even doing that), but that doesn't change the fundamental issue that you have no help on a regular basis. That's not their responsibility. Seems to me this should have been worked out between you and your DH before he deployed, either joining a babysitting coop, taking turns with friends, or budgeting for a little help here or there? Most of my friends would hate it if their husband's parents came to stay while he was away;it's just a very different relationship, and ILs are often wary that their visit would burden you more than help (because you have them as company...I know many who perceive an IL visit this way). Sort of d*mned if they do or don't.

I do think they should call and check in and show more care about the grandkids. But given that they live out of state, I don't hold them responsible in any way for fixing your lack of hands-on support or childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP- they're awful!

Just to commiserate, they'll likely want you and dh to visit IMMEDIATELY when he gets home. You're like the big red hen; you do all of the work and they still get to see their son and nice grandkids.

This

When he comes back they can come visir you and stay in a hotel. If they dont help the whole deployment they dont get to stay in your home overnight.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP. It's tough and you'd think people would get it. But some people really do not.

I would give them a few more chances by making very specific date/time/steps/outcome requests.

Like,

(i) thanks for the text, Jane, I was wondering if you could come over and watch the kids for a couple of hours a week from now, I'd like to go get a haircut. What timeslot might work for you that weekend?

(ii) hey, thanks for the text. Would Tom be able to take Larlo to practice on Tues and Thurs next week? I got a work project and would appreciate a bit of help that week. I know Larlo would love to hang out with Tom...

Make a few polite specific requests before you give up... If they do end up helping out even if 1/4 times, keep asking to get them into the habit...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My parents live in another country. On another continent. They work for a living. My ILs have been retired for the past 5 years. They are not old or unwell. They are 1 hour away by plane. I am a working mother with 2 small children. Sure, let me pack up our stuff for the weekend. Have you traveled with young children? Probably not.

I don't see why babysitting YOUR 2 small children should be their responsibility. From a different state, no less. Seems like a real lack of communication and misplaced expectations...what did you and your DH think would happen when he left?

Yes, they should contact you and check in more. But the day-to-day work of caring for your children and giving you some breaks is something you and your DH need to solve. I understand your frustration but you're saddling the wrong people with responsibility for a problem that's not theirs to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare.

So it was pretty clear from this conversation that they weren't going to be your childcare helpers.

Why did you expect differently?

Time to align your expectations with reality--- get a babysitter, but don't expect them to be something they aren't. They made that clear. Now it's your turn to accept it and move on to plan B.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP. It's tough and you'd think people would get it. But some people really do not.

I would give them a few more chances by making very specific date/time/steps/outcome requests.

Like,

(i) thanks for the text, Jane, I was wondering if you could come over and watch the kids for a couple of hours a week from now, I'd like to go get a haircut. What timeslot might work for you that weekend?

(ii) hey, thanks for the text. Would Tom be able to take Larlo to practice on Tues and Thurs next week? I got a work project and would appreciate a bit of help that week. I know Larlo would love to hang out with Tom...

Make a few polite specific requests before you give up... If they do end up helping out even if 1/4 times, keep asking to get them into the habit...

I'm sure they'll get right on booking that last minute flight so OP can get a haircut or pick the grandkids up from practice. It's an hour flight. Not an hour's drive. Not remotely the same thing. OP needs more friends and neighbors to help her out here. Expecting the ILs to book last minute travel for her whims is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

OP - you need to hire a part time nanny or regular babysitter in addition to the daycare while your DH is deployed. Maybe someone you know has an au pair that your could hire 1 day a week on the weekends or maybe two evenings a week someone to do daycare pick up, dinner and bed while you have dinner with your friends.

Yes, they could be more considerate and helpful but it is not aggressively awful that they are not. You are at the end of your rope and you need help.You need a spa day, a girls weekend, a break of some kind. You probably need more sleep. These years are so hard. Sending you a virtual hug.

[Anonymous]

Everybody seems to agree that the in laws are obnoxious, useless, won't change, clueless, etc etc. Has anybody (including OP) considered that maybe the in laws don't like the OP and have had negative or difficult interactions with her that are now preventing them from wanting to spend any time with her? This can also obviously impact the relationship with the grandchildren. Might want to reflect on that OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everybody seems to agree that the in laws are obnoxious, useless, won't change, clueless, etc etc. Has anybody (including OP) considered that maybe the in laws don't like the OP and have had negative or difficult interactions with her that are now preventing them from wanting to spend any time with her? This can also obviously impact the relationship with the grandchildren. Might want to reflect on that OP.

+1

After coming back and reading all of OP’s responses, I was going to post the same thing. She wasn’t willing to entertain any advice given, and had an excuse/clap back for every point made. I’m not sure I’d be jumping to go spend lengthy amount of time with her either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare.

So it was pretty clear from this conversation that they weren't going to be your childcare helpers.

Why did you expect differently?

Time to align your expectations with reality--- get a babysitter, but don't expect them to be something they aren't. They made that clear. Now it's your turn to accept it and move on to plan B.

I agree with this. They never seemed to offer any help, so I'm not sure why you are expecting they'd act differently. I'd write them off your list of "helpers" and move on to hiring help when you need it. You are still allowed to have feelings about it, sure. But it's not like they claimed "oh yes, we'd love to help while John is deployed! We'll do everything" and then they failed to do that. They clearly saw the need coming, and decided to ignore it.

So, move on from them even being an option. Create some boundaries for yourself so you don't feel like a doormat. You can let your DH know you are hiring a sitter for X number of hours every week so that you can do things outside the house. But just...move on. Seething does nothing but waste your energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everybody seems to agree that the in laws are obnoxious, useless, won't change, clueless, etc etc. Has anybody (including OP) considered that maybe the in laws don't like the OP and have had negative or difficult interactions with her that are now preventing them from wanting to spend any time with her? This can also obviously impact the relationship with the grandchildren. Might want to reflect on that OP.

Sure. But the in-laws aren't the ones writing in with a problem.

Maybe they do have a problem with OP. That still doesn't get her respite care while her DH is deployed. And she doesn't currently have the bandwidth to trouble shoot that, so the in-laws can either deal or wait until their son is back to have a relationship with their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

I disagree. Your father is retired, raised his kids, and now is enjoying his retirement. When did it become an expectation that grandparents become care givers? It's great if they can do it, but it should be a bonus, not an expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, OP. It's tough and you'd think people would get it. But some people really do not.

I would give them a few more chances by making very specific date/time/steps/outcome requests.

Like,

(i) thanks for the text, Jane, I was wondering if you could come over and watch the kids for a couple of hours a week from now, I'd like to go get a haircut. What timeslot might work for you that weekend?

(ii) hey, thanks for the text. Would Tom be able to take Larlo to practice on Tues and Thurs next week? I got a work project and would appreciate a bit of help that week. I know Larlo would love to hang out with Tom...

Make a few polite specific requests before you give up... If they do end up helping out even if 1/4 times, keep asking to get them into the habit...

You really expect her ILs to fly in to take her kids to practice? Absurd!

[Anonymous]

Have you been able to connect with other military wives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everybody seems to agree that the in laws are obnoxious, useless, won't change, clueless, etc etc. Has anybody (including OP) considered that maybe the in laws don't like the OP and have had negative or difficult interactions with her that are now preventing them from wanting to spend any time with her? This can also obviously impact the relationship with the grandchildren. Might want to reflect on that OP.

It could be that they have issues with her husband, their son. He is the one who called to ask for help and was basically told no. We aren’t privy to their dynamic, whether with OP or her husband, but the point is that they won’t help and OP is wasting her time staying angry and focusing on it.