Stone deaf ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

Why is this such a shock to women? Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children. This is true in my family and so many others. OP moved away from her parents and lost that support. OP and her husband also don't live near the in-laws. It's very rare that the in-laws will step in and fill that void that OP is missing out with her own parents, never mind the geographical distance. If you want that kind of family support and closeness you, living near family is usually a prerequisite.

We don't know if OP moved from her family or they moved from her. Also, it is not necessary to live in the same area as your family to be close. If she is married to someone who gets deployed, there is no way they can stay in one place.

No matter who moved, it suggests they aren't that close, physically or geographically. And it is necessary to be close to family if you expect them to pick up your kids from practice or watch them when you get a hair cut.

OMG people how hard is it for grandparents to fly or drive out for a weekend to visit their own grandchildren? She is not asking for day to day help, she needs a small reprieve. Selfish.

OP, I hope those grandparents do not expect your DH to take care of them once they are infirm.

The DH can decide that on his own. If the in-laws are selfish what will confronting them do? OP just needs to hire a babysitter and move on with her life instead of blaming her in-laws for her current predicament. Maybe military life is not for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

Why is this such a shock to women? Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children. This is true in my family and so many others. OP moved away from her parents and lost that support. OP and her husband also don't live near the in-laws. It's very rare that the in-laws will step in and fill that void that OP is missing out with her own parents, never mind the geographical distance. If you want that kind of family support and closeness you, living near family is usually a prerequisite.

There’s physical support - like picking up the kids, watching them for a weekend - and emotional support. OP isn’t getting either. I was raised in a military family and we were sent all over the world. But I can assure you that the grandparents were a part of my life, if not physically. They would send us presents, tape themselves reading books for us, and of course make phone calls. They surely would have called my mom if one of us was battling covid! These grandparents are just completely disinterested. Nothing to be done but accept it and move on, but we can all acknowledge it sucks for OP and her kids that the grandparents don’t seem to want to have a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

Why is this such a shock to women? Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children. This is true in my family and so many others. OP moved away from her parents and lost that support. OP and her husband also don't live near the in-laws. It's very rare that the in-laws will step in and fill that void that OP is missing out with her own parents, never mind the geographical distance. If you want that kind of family support and closeness you, living near family is usually a prerequisite.

There’s physical support - like picking up the kids, watching them for a weekend - and emotional support. OP isn’t getting either. I was raised in a military family and we were sent all over the world. But I can assure you that the grandparents were a part of my life, if not physically. They would send us presents, tape themselves reading books for us, and of course make phone calls. They surely would have called my mom if one of us was battling covid! These grandparents are just completely disinterested. Nothing to be done but accept it and move on, but we can all acknowledge it sucks for OP and her kids that the grandparents don’t seem to want to have a relationship.

We don't know the full story here. What is the background between OP and the in-laws and how good is the son's relationship with his parents? There's a lot left out here. But a confrontation isn't going to fix it, OP just needs to throw money at the problem if the problem is just that she's overwhelmed and needs a break. The ILs never signed up to help out for whatever reason that we may not know. Maybe they don't feel comfortable visiting her while their son is away because of the history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Use your voice and ask for help. Have you asked them? They’re not mind readers. Pick up the phone and ask them.

If they turn you down/ say no then they suck. But if you’re waiting for anyone to just magically sweep in to help you’ll end up disappointed, which you are now.

My husband has to travel for very long stretches of time overseas for work. My parents rarely helped, even if I asked/begged. So I started asking friends, and many of them said yes.

So ask. Just ask them.

We did. When DH just found out about his deployment being so long, he reached out to his parents. He asked for help. And they changed the subject and started talking to them about his sister. His sister who claims "oh I love my nephews", has not called them ONCE in their lifetime to wish them a Happy Birthday or a Merry Christma. Not ONCE. But hey, send me your postcards, make them cute and all.


Also are you doing the things for them that you want done for your family? Do you act interested in their life? Do you call them on their bdays? Do you wish each of them merry Xmas? It is a two way street. They have their lives and obligations too. Your kids are your responsibility.

Do you want to talk to them at Xmas or birthdays or do you just want the acknowledgment of them t calling ? You say they don’t seem to be interested in anything, but that they do ask for postcards and pictures for them to frame. Have you thought, that maybe they aren’t even interested in the postcards or pictures to frame either? If you don’t want to send them, you probably shouldn’t. See if they call to ask.

You can call them on Christmas and not wait for them. It’s definitely frustrating that they seem to ignite you and your needs but it’s how you handle that frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are useless and that is not going to change. Just do not expend ANY of your energy interacting with them and you'll feel a lot better.

They are not responsible for her family obligations. Geeesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is very annoying and not very sensitive of them. I learned something recently, though, when I expect people to act how I would in a similar situation, I often end up disappointed. They may not understand/grasp how hard it is for you. I think it’s OK to tell them things have been hard, but keep that a separate issue from the pictures.

My retired father is always sending pictures from where he is on vacation. It drives my siblings crazy. I think he’s just trying to share his life with us. But the issue is he doesn’t come visit the grandchildren, so it’s a hard pill for them to swallow when he’s on another vacation and won’t even come see them. That being said they haven’t asked him to, and they’re assuming he’s choosing a Caribbean island over them. He’s trying to keep in touch by sending pictures of where he is, because he’s not a good communicator otherwise. There’s an issue bc they’re not seeing it from the same perspective. I think if one of us sat him down and told him how what we thought he would feel just terrible! I really think the majority of family issues are from a realistic, expectation and unclear communication.

This is a really great post, PP. I used to be baffled by how little interest my MIL had in seeing my kids or helping out, and they live a mile away. I found her to be a complete joke of a grandmother compared to my mom. Over time, I realized she really thought she was involved because she came to their sporting events, even if she didn’t speak with them. This was apparently a lot more than her parents did for her or her kids. She wasn’t malicious or meaning to be neglectful, she just had no clue what an involved grandparent looked like.

OP, your in-laws seem really selfish and careless of your feelings, but maybe it would help for you to reach out to them and ask for help with specific tasks.

See my post above. Before DH left for deployment, he asked for help. Explicitly. They changed the subject. They brought up that our kids are in daycare. They are not difficult kids. Even if you offered to spend a weekend with them, going to the zoo or a playground, it would be HUGE. My parents live in another country, they see their grandchildren once a year at most. But they make an effort, there are weekly facetime calls, they are engaging with them. This is just too much.

Have you considered moving to their state? The distance is obviously going to make dropping in for a quick weekend difficult.

You are kidding me, right? I have a job. I have a house. They are one hour flight away.

And they have their own house/lives and obligations/plans also. They are not responsible for the adult decisions you and DH have made.

[Anonymous]

OP, cut them out. They are not family. Do not contact them and certainly do not maintain any grandchildren relationship. These are not good people.

To all PPs who talk about "well they are not your free babysitters", this has nothing to do with money. OP works, she wrote it herself. Emotional support is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP- they're awful!

Just to commiserate, they'll likely want you and dh to visit IMMEDIATELY when he gets home. You're like the big red hen; you do all of the work and they still get to see their son and nice grandkids.

This

When he comes back they can come visir you and stay in a hotel. If they dont help the whole deployment they dont get to stay in your home overnight.

I’m sure they will be crushed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut them out. They are not family. Do not contact them and certainly do not maintain any grandchildren relationship. These are not good people.

To all PPs who talk about "well they are not your free babysitters", this has nothing to do with money. OP works, she wrote it herself. Emotional support is needed.

Also babysitting is needed. Why hasn't OP hired one? She has the money, she said it herself. She specifically wants these people to share her burden by dropping everything and jumping on a plane. That's not rational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut them out. They are not family. Do not contact them and certainly do not maintain any grandchildren relationship. These are not good people.

To all PPs who talk about "well they are not your free babysitters", this has nothing to do with money. OP works, she wrote it herself. Emotional support is needed.

Also babysitting is needed. Why hasn't OP hired one? She has the money, she said it herself. She specifically wants these people to share her burden by dropping everything and jumping on a plane. That's not rational.

It sounds like OP is understandably stressed. I don’t think she can expect them to jump on a plane to come babysit, but I do think it’s fair to be hurt that they don’t call to check on her during a deployment - I mean, I do that even for not-close friends much less my own daughter in law! - or ask about a child who is sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut them out. They are not family. Do not contact them and certainly do not maintain any grandchildren relationship. These are not good people.

To all PPs who talk about "well they are not your free babysitters", this has nothing to do with money. OP works, she wrote it herself. Emotional support is needed.

Also babysitting is needed. Why hasn't OP hired one? She has the money, she said it herself. She specifically wants these people to share her burden by dropping everything and jumping on a plane. That's not rational.

OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues. I can hire babysitters. That's not the point. The point is that people who are supposedly family do not show any interest at all. To me, that's incomprehensible. My family lives abroad, yes, and they check up on me. They don't make it about themselves when they call me. My parents have other grandchildren but they always ask about mine. When my youngest was sick with COVID, I got texts, calls all from my side of the family. DH side of the family? Radio silence. This is not how humans should behave. This is not normal.

So, to calm everyone the #&% down, I got a babysitter for this weekend. And blocked his side of the family everywhere. I don't need "surface relationships".

[Anonymous]

Op you are clearly very angry and I hope you catch a break this weekend.
I don’t think your expectations of in-laws are what most of us experience. Your family calls and is comfortable checking on you because they’re your family. It’s never the same with in-laws. Their focus on themselves will get far worse as they age. It’s just part of life. Make your plans without factoring in any help from them. Your reactivity isn’t going to help any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you are clearly very angry and I hope you catch a break this weekend.
I don’t think your expectations of in-laws are what most of us experience. Your family calls and is comfortable checking on you because they’re your family. It’s never the same with in-laws. Their focus on themselves will get far worse as they age. It’s just part of life. Make your plans without factoring in any help from them. Your reactivity isn’t going to help any.

I just don't understand it. These are your son's children. Can't you feign some interest? I went through my head if we have done anything to offend them. Was our wedding too unconventional for them? Was DH decision to remain on active duty not to their liking? Is our house too inhospitable? Did we send wrong presents to them and SIL and her children? Are they upset that I work?

Like I said. I can hire a babysitter. But I won't be forced to acknowledge emotionally distant people anymore or show them any respect for I have none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, cut them out. They are not family. Do not contact them and certainly do not maintain any grandchildren relationship. These are not good people.

To all PPs who talk about "well they are not your free babysitters", this has nothing to do with money. OP works, she wrote it herself. Emotional support is needed.

Also babysitting is needed. Why hasn't OP hired one? She has the money, she said it herself. She specifically wants these people to share her burden by dropping everything and jumping on a plane. That's not rational.

OP here. You must have reading comprehension issues. I can hire babysitters. That's not the point. The point is that people who are supposedly family do not show any interest at all. To me, that's incomprehensible. My family lives abroad, yes, and they check up on me. They don't make it about themselves when they call me. My parents have other grandchildren but they always ask about mine. When my youngest was sick with COVID, I got texts, calls all from my side of the family. DH side of the family? Radio silence. This is not how humans should behave. This is not normal.

So, to calm everyone the #&% down, I got a babysitter for this weekend. And blocked his side of the family everywhere. I don't need "surface relationships".

Sounds like you’ve got it all together. Nothing to see here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I understand why OP is upset. It's the disparity at how the grandchildren are treated. Her ILs are spending all this time with one set of grandchildren but not the others. I also think OP is exhausted, she is trying to get her point across, to ask people who are supposed to be her closest family to help her, and she gets polite rebuffs. The whole "send me your children's pictures" is such fake "grandparenting".

OP, I would mute them. Don't let them get to you. Plan your life without them, it's actually better that way. You won't owe them a thing so when they are infirm, they can rely on SIL and her children. Consider yourself off the hook.

Why is this such a shock to women? Maternal grandparents tend to be closer to their daughter's children. This is true in my family and so many others. OP moved away from her parents and lost that support. OP and her husband also don't live near the in-laws. It's very rare that the in-laws will step in and fill that void that OP is missing out with her own parents, never mind the geographical distance. If you want that kind of family support and closeness you, living near family is usually a prerequisite.

We don't know if OP moved from her family or they moved from her. Also, it is not necessary to live in the same area as your family to be close. If she is married to someone who gets deployed, there is no way they can stay in one place.

No matter who moved, it suggests they aren't that close, physically or geographically. And it is necessary to be close to family if you expect them to pick up your kids from practice or watch them when you get a hair cut.

OMG people how hard is it for grandparents to fly or drive out for a weekend to visit their own grandchildren? She is not asking for day to day help, she needs a small reprieve. Selfish.

OP, I hope those grandparents do not expect your DH to take care of them once they are infirm.

The DH can decide that on his own. If the in-laws are selfish what will confronting them do? OP just needs to hire a babysitter and move on with her life instead of blaming her in-laws for her current predicament. Maybe military life is not for her.

It's probably safe to say the DH being a member of the military is not a new thing. So theoretically OP kind of knew what she was signing up for when she married him and then chose to have children with him. It is tough juggling little kids and a full-time job. But doable, millions of people do it.

OP just has it stuck in her craw that the inlaws are not providing the support she desires. It would be nice if they did something, but they're not. Time to simply accept it and move forward.